Hey guys...I haven't been here lately...cause things seemed to be healing well. But, feel that I'm mostly the blame for this one...we had bad flooding in the Ohio River area at my former w/w workplace...she is in the HR dept. and had to work a ton this past 2 weeks..which left me sitting around thinking too much and with her so busy...as she said, left little time for her to phone me or spend much time together. I'm very insecure...and we been back together since 7/02/04 and doing great at least 95% of the time.
My physical needs have been let down quite abit...and got me asking her stuff like..."Is everything Ok"..."I love you...hope you love me", etc. Well tonight I had to work...and she had a bad day at work and stopped at a local pub nad called me to stop there on my way home. She had taken a nerve pill and has more often lately from the "stress" she told me...after havinf 4/5 beers she and I left to get her a sandwich and to head home. At the restarant she told me...nothing really matters to her no more..."I really don't give a **** about much"...well her family. I asked if she wanted me to just suck it up....and move on? she said is that what you want? Of course not!! She then asked if I think she is beautiful? again yes! At the bar she asked do you really love me? I want this to work...yes I think too much and freak out at things that may or maynot be for real...but think this is kind of normal for a middle aged guy who's wife was having an affair and then moved out for 5 months.
Anyhow...during this talk...I said ti her most of this is of Satan working and that we needed to get to church together like in the past...I then named a few things that have happen lately...that seem to be his work. The long hours at work...her being so busy...I'd not got my needs met fromphone calls or physically and then...told her of a lady that phoned me a week ago. I had never been out with this girl...but she wanted to know where I'd been. I told my wife of this and she really got upset. I love Deb...give us some prayers please. Thanks and God Bless.

Nothing?

She's been working crazy hours, took a nerve pill, then had 4-5 beers on an empty stomach??? I wouldn't pay any attention to what she said after all this. These do not appear to be the ideal conditions under which you should try to have any type of meaningful conversation. Talking and keeping the lines of communication open is good, but not when one of you is impaired and not capable of a clear thought. See if you can set aside some time this weekend for just the two of you.

I have never seen a couble get back together without some fights, some big problems, some setbacks.

I can say that after about 2 1/2 years on the MB program, we are doing fantastic.

I remember once after about 2 years I thought it was going to come apart at the seams, but we patched it up, and here we are, doing fine.

Thanks for droping us a note. Keep working on it, and let us know how it goes.

SS

Hey thanks folks...I guess after 3 great months together...I as BS just might take everything so "to heart". I talked with deb at work on the phone today and everything seemed just fine. She had planned to go "out" after work with her girlfriend from work....she had told me this yesterday... I know that after stressful jobs, if feels good to unwind. My spouse is a very attractive 39 year old lady and her friend is 28...I guess I'll just be trusting and wait for her to come home. Maybe, she'll be here at a decent time and that will make a huge deposit in my LB. I know that I'd rather her be home with me...but she needs space also.

Welderboy - Are you and Deb spending 15 hours a week together doing fun things?

Not this past couple weeks...the best weeks have been the ones that we had spent the most time together. When will I learn to trust again? She didn't go out in the past and I hadn't since we married...it just seems like a change. It's not a every week thing or nothing, just I woory cause she is about 35 miles from home at her workplace and all. We both have worked alot these last 2 weeks.

According to the Harley's, 15 hours a week is mandatory while in recovery. See if you can schedule some time together.

OK...I love it!! I had just said we needed more time together. She had called me at 9:15 to say she was trying to leave and was only drinking coke...but her friend had ordered cheese sticks and she was going to eat a few and head home...and said she would phone me when she was in her car. I really feel this is a good breakthru in my trust if she handles herself this way.

Man....I sometimes try to figure things out. and who know's. Deb came home as planned and was feeling kind of bad, stuffed up head with nasal dripping. I got a hug and kiss and she went to the bathroom for her shower...I checked in on her as she was taking off her make-up,she looked at me and said..."I wish I was dead". Man, I haven't heard anything like that...explained to her how much I loved her and that was'nt a good thing to say to someone you love, and maybe she just didn't want someone to treat her the way I've been doing. She replied with, "I love the way you are treating me...only it should of started 2 years ago", and that everyone needs somone to treat them right. Today...she felt bad but headed to work...I spoke to her on the phone at lunch and she said I wasn't bothering her...but she was having a crappy day and she was'nt wanting to talk. I only told her...I was seeing if she felt better and to tell her "I love you." I then sent her flowers...she didn't call me when they arrived...but called me on the cell as I just came home from work.She thanked me for the flowers and said she would be home after work. I asked if there was anything I could help her with if she felt down? She then replied "no, things are fine." I really wonder if she may have slipped back into the fog? Thanks.

BOTH OF YOU will slip in and out of the fog. I know that sounds funny, but you will.

There will be days when you will do things wrong too, and the next day you will wonder what in the world you were thinking.

Recovery is a process, not an event. This is going to take some time. Don't let a few words, or a bad day get to you. Avoid arguments, sleep it off, and tomorrow is usually better.

Over time, the things you do for her will mean more, and the bond between the two of you will grow stronger. Right now, if you do something nice, she (sometimes) wonders "Would he be doing this if I hadn't had the A?" In other words, she wonders if this is a fake thing, and if the real you (the one she lived with every day for years) will be coming back. It is especially hard to do nice things on bad days, you just have to be slow and steady, and keep doing what you are doing.

It is good to know you are working it out, thanks again for the update.

SS

Thanks SS. I love your sign line. This place or site has eased alot of pain. Deb, called sounding whipped...said we will grill when she gets home.Deb really worries me with her job stress on top of it all. She is prescribed 60 mg Prozac and has been in the last week using Lorazepam/Ativan.5mg for aniexity attacks. The other night a few beers kicked her but and I did some reading on this and alcohol is a no no. Thanks again. PS...I think alot of times she is just scared to talk to me for fear of hurting me.

Well....I finally got told what the problem is...she has been having thoughts that she was little to no sexual desire. Not for me, or anyone,
She was afraid to tell me, and wonders if she will feel this way forever? She thinks it's not fair to me.

That's one of the normal parts of recovery.

It is called "doubt, and fear."

In her mind, she knows that being with you is right, and there were lots of emotions going round and round when she decided to come back. Now, things have setteled down. She doesn't feel the chemical rush being home with you that she did with OM. That's because being with him was forbidden, secret, different........and so on.

So, she has these doubts and fears about not having feelings for you, and also that she won't be able to help you because of those doubts and fears.

Over time ( and this will be two years or so) if you contunie to meet her needs, and she yours as well as she can, those strong feelings of love will return. To succeed, you need to follow Dr Harleys Rules for successful recovery

This is what will make a difference. Please print this out, and talk to her about it. This is the result of all Dr Harleys research, and he knows what he is doing.

Now again, this takes time, and she is afraid. Don't discount her feelings by saying things like "it will be OK, don't worry about it."

Validate her by telling her that her fears are valid, and that you understand it will be difficult, but that you are willing to do the work with her.

Back off some on what you do for her. Do smaller things for a while until she begins to respond.

I had to learn not to smother my W, who felt my actions were fake. I did things like give foot rubs, when I wanted S. (And this sucks, but it was worth the work.) Did the dishes so she could relax. Took a more active role in noticing all that she did around the house, and helping her with it, or praising her for it. I gave admiration and affection with no strings attached, and she responded.

IN short, I gave her the things I should have been giving all our married life, but had been too blind to see. It took time for her to learn to trust ME, as well as the other way around.

Read the link above, discuss it with her. Don't tell her you know it will work, tell her she is worth trying with, and that you want a couple of years to work on it. Ask her to give you 5 years or whatever you think. Tell her you want to grow old with her, to enjoy the years as her friend.

Here are some things you can say that will be a change from "I love you" that will help her feel closer to you.
Peps suggestions for talking to W.
You will need to go down a few posts to see Pep's suggestions.

Think about this, and come up with more yourself. Pretend this is a game, and that you win when you find new, exciting ways to get your feelings over to her. What this does, is re-kindle the love and excitment you had when YOU were first dating. I can promise it works, but as I have said, it takes time.

Don't think this is going to fail, that it is hopelsss, of that you will never get past the bad, just keep working on it, and realize you CAN succeed.

There were times about 1 3/4 years into this program that I looked back and felt we would never, ever be close, and that I was wasting my time. When that happens, and I promise it will, you just need to work on it all the harder, and wait for more time to pass. Now, it has been 2 3/4 years, and the difference is amazing. The love is astounding, the feelings stronger than ever in all our married life, indluding the honeymoon.


I did some pipe welding early on, but never got really good at it before I changed jobs. Does anyone still use stick welders, or is it all wire feed now?

SS

I guess...I'm maybe looking for things to just fall in place...cause I want this to work so badly. I just do better at being myself and am alot more easy going when I have that feel of "everything is fine"...when Deb don't seem happy, right away I'm scared that she is upset with me or is about to leave again? I'll try to chill. Later.

I just tucked Deb into bed...it's 9:18 and she was falling asleep on the couch. I had to work today and she told me she had'nt got out of bed till around 10 am. The cold she had seems to getting better. I told her we had a rough week and things would be better as soon as we had some fun together again. She droggy and all was so cute saying "I love you and thanks for everything". I need to keep my faith.

Don't react to a bad day, if you have 3 months of bad days then it is serious, but don't let a day or two get to you.

SS

Yep. I think we have a few of the same fears and doubts. I just got awakened ...called out to work, and held her for a bit...things are going to be fine if we both want this.

You will get better at understanding her, and you will get better at knowing what to do. I know the doubts still come, but you will learn how to deal with them over time.

I recommend reading stuff still. If you read around the forum still you can get ideas, and reading helps me stay aware of how different she is from me, and it helps me be more willing to deal with it on a daily basis.

SS

Yes...I've been reading some other post. 1 in particular...caught my mind, about a lady that her WH had still been living with her after only going away for 2 days. She was trying to get things back on track but wasn't willing to "make love" to him...most of the replies said that as SF was one of almost every mans needs that filling this need would draw them closer. Any thoughts on this? My wife...says she has lost most of her sex drive. Any ladies using Prozac notice a difference?