May sound like a stupid question but my WH's mom told me that someone just will knock on my door one day and serve the papers to me. Is this true? The reason I ask is some stranger (a man) just came and knocked on my door; I didn't answer because it is 9:30 at night and I am in pajamas all by myself. I don't think my WH would do this right now with my race 2 weeks ahead but then again, a lot of things have surprised me about WH(in a devastating way) these past few months.

I guess I need to prepare myself for the worse if my marriage comes down to this <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

ME: Faithful 28 yo wife
Him: Almost 31 yo WH
Married: 3.5 years
His Affair: 4 months last fall; he says he ended it in January but admits to dating now.
Dropped Bomb 5/04 and immediately left
Still hoping...

From what I understand, that is exactly how it works. Someone just shows up with the papers and you sign them. I have also heard that it can be done by certified mail. I should be finding out soon as well. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I don't know if it would happen this late at night though.

K-

If he does file this close to your race than he is really in the fog.. You don't need to obsess. If he does, go get an attny and let him handle it. The process takes some time so keep your head in the race.

2scared

Yes, it is. Some of the messenger services that do this are somewhat roguish, and I wouldn't put it past them to serve you at 9:30. Most people are home at that time, and those guys' job is to get you served, not respect your domicile. Seems they'd be more likely to get shot at later in the evening though. I bet they don't serve men at that hour.

It was 6:30 P.M. I was sitting on my porch. A beat up convertible pulled up, a guy jumped out, jogged up my walk, said my name, I said yes, he held out the package. I knew what it was. I thought about telling him to leave my property (you can do that), but I took the package. I wasn't going to hide. It was like a movie scene.

That was three days before my 10th anniversary. I didn't think my WW would do it then. Didn't know she was going to do it at all. A week earlier we'd had a very good conversation. I'd said I wasn't ready for a divorce. Getting served was surreal. It made me feel violated and victimized. Awful stuff.

Do you have a lawyer? If not, find one! He/she will likely tell you that there's no point in dodging service.

GC

Ugh...now I am wondering. The guy behind the door looked a bit rugged although I couldn't tell he was holding anything??? Now I am nervous. I have the name of a lawyer if need be. I am going to be a wreck if he does this to me now. I guess I'll be a wreck if he does it at all but he has to have no heart if he serves papers a couple weeks before the biggest race of my life. He has pulled off some amazingly harsh sh*t this summer so who knows what he is capable of. I guess I just to have to trust his spoken words of just a couple days; he said that we could talk about our relationship after the race. Perhaps he said it like this because he already had the papers and was just waiting to serve them...perhaps he just said the hell with it and had them sent tonite. Ugh...I am going to drive myself crazy and here comes the crying. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

If the scrubby guy from last night was indeed going to serve me the papers, he will be back.

What do I do when I actually answer the door? Do I have to sign them on the spot or does he just give them to me? What is the process.

I couldn't sleep last night and woke up feeling extremely nauseous and have tears much like I did when my WH first dropped the bomb on me about his affair and left back in May <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Help...how do I compose myself when I feel like the life that has treated me so well is crumbling before my eyes...

-K

kjb - I think you just have to sign something saying that you recieved them you don't actually have to sign saying that you agree with what is written in them.

I know how you feel. My stomach has been in knots and my sleep sparse at the prospect of the DV moving forward.

The feeling of everything crumbling before your eyes is hard to deal with. I have been feeling that way myself. I am not sure what the secret is to keeping composure. I am still trying to figure it out. Hang in there *Hugs*

Hugs right back at ya.

I am sick of living my life like this...not being able to function without my chatline, constantly thinking of the "what-ifs", wondering what is going through WH's mind, wondering how he could do this to me, wondering how I can rebuild our marriage single handedly. I was so blinded to this world for so long. Why do good people end up in this hellish state of living?

It would have been better if I hadn't discovered what love was and just was the same independent woman I was 5 years ago. Now I have to live my life as some seemingly desperate person whose heart has been shattered and whose once unscathed, giddy vision of love now lies tarnished and scarred. I know there is a whole world out there who loves me but why is it that I can only think about WH, the one person who vowed to love me differently, for a lifetime but who is stabbing my heart time and time again instead.

All I have to say is that divorce shouldn't be legal...perhaps people would think a bit more about getting married so innocent people like ourselves who are so full of passion and love would not get hurt.

So I guess I have to prepare to sign papers and live with nausea and emotions as I attempt to prepare for the biggest race of my athletic career...god, I hate him for that.

Hugs always in store for good people like those on this site.

Have a good day,

-K

Glad you posted this....
I was wondering how I would get served too. So, they just come to the door and you have to sign saying you recieved the papers? So, they give you the divorce papers to read and sign(of course after I show my attny)? Am I right?
God...I'm not looking forward to that knock on my door either. Yikes!!!
It does seem so cold! Is that the only way you get served? Is it possible that my H would bring the papers by?

Glad you posted this....
I was wondering how I would get served too. So, they just come to the door and you have to sign saying you recieved the papers? So, they give you the divorce papers to read and sign(of course after I show my attny)? Am I right?
God...I'm not looking forward to that knock on my door either. Yikes!!!
It does seem so cold! Is that the only way you get served? Is it possible that my H would bring the papers by?

TR - Yeah, you just sign saying that you recieved them not that you agree with them. Then you would go through it with you attorney. As far as your H bringing the papers by...If he files he can't serve you himself I believe, it has to be someone else.

Exactly how it may be done depends on the state.

In my state, any adult who is not the petitioner can serve you. If they are on your property, you can send them away and refuse service, I think. I didn't have to sign anything that said I received the papers.

The initial papers are normally just a formal point-by-point description of the situation (limited to "irretrievable breakdown" stuff in no-fault states), the individuals, and their assets, without details of how things will be divided. It's a copy of the document the petitioner will give the court when he/she files.

After receiving the initial petition, in this state you have 30 days to get a laywer and respond. The response is just a formality, but mine contested a couple of points, including the "irretrievable breakdown" stuff (not that it makes any difference).

Note that being served and getting filed on are not the same thing. I was served in July, and as far as I know my WW has not filed yet. The county does not know anything about my divorce. As far as they're concerned, if it isn't filed, it doesn't exist.

As soon as the case is filed, the county steps in and begins scheduling things. The clock begins to tick, and costs mount. That's probably why my WW has not filed. She wants everything settled BEFORE she files, because it will be cheaper and faster that way.

Now, some WS may serve you a marital termination agreement (MTA) along with the papers. It gives the possibility that you can just agree to everything, sign your name, and they can take care of the paperwork.

Talk to a lawyer BEFORE you get served. Most lawyers will give you a free consultation, and will give you advice about how to handle service and how to prepare all your documentation etc. Know what your rights and responsibilities are BEFORE that scummy guy shows up at your door.

GC

kjb23,

A man knocked on door two days after my anniversary. In his hands was a summons for DV, you have to sign to say you receive the papers. I notice the carrier had a picture of me, so he knew who I was.

I guess my Wh hired him to serve me, my Wh told him not to serve me on our anniversary. How nice of him...but according to my WH he told the carrier when was the best time to find me at home. He told me he could have me served at work and other places but he said he wouldn't have done that to me.

I was in shock, especially receiving DV papers from NV went we live in New Jersey. I felt I was a double whammy, Dv papers and finding out my Wh was living in a state thousands of miles away.

He couldn't have file in NJ because you need grounds and he would have to wait 18 months to file.

I am sure that each state is different - but let me tell you my story.

For months my WH was parading around our small town with OW on his arm, and friends would call me to say "who is that woman I saw your H with?"
He kept telling me that he was going to file "when he got the time" but he was too busy right now. Then people would call me to say "I saw your H at OW's sons football game" or "I saw your H shopping with some strange woman". I had enough of that. He was too busy to take care of his family - becuase he had a new one.

So I filed.

But my lawyer said that I did not have to hire a server to have him served. She said that he could come into her office, her secretary would give him a copy of the papers, he would sign, the secretary notorized everything, and that was it. My lawyer said that is a much better way to do it because you don't have to pay for the process server, and it is less stress for everyone involved. When my layer was ready for him, I called him, explained the process, told him that he was not signing the actual D, only signing that he received a copy. He went in, got his copy and signed.
No big scene at work. No big scene in front of friends - or OW.
I hate what he did to me and the boys - but I don't hate him. I hate the sin, but not the sinner.
I don't know if every state allows this method - I live in Oregon - but if this is a possibilty, why in the Heck doesn't everyone do this. It is unpleasant - no mattter what. But the suspense is horrible. And, by picking the papers up on his own time, he had the option to bring a friend for support if he wanted to.

I am NOT suggesting that you go out and file. Not for a minute. I am just sharing my own story. I have friends who live in Oregon, who have had papers served on them, and it left them feeling horrible. I always wonder why it happened that way. When the WS is all ready causing such horrible pain, why can't they at least have the guts to call you up and say "hey, this is what I am doing, and I think it would be better for you to go pickup the papers yourself. I don't wnat to send someone over to surprise you"
Ugh.

Ugh...just sounds ugly any way you put it. I almost wish I would have opened the door so I knew rather than sitting here thinking he may have served me. I don't know how this guy would have gotten into the building since it is secured...he would have to have someone buzz him in which I certainly didn't do.

There was a girl who was raped in my complex by some stranger who snuck into the building and hid in her apt while she discarded of trash. Needless to say, I am being very careful now that I live by myself. I am not sure I will open the door for a strange man at 9:30 at night if I am by myself. Perhaps this stranger will return and I guess I have to prepare myself.

I have a lawyers name but no lawyer...don't want to pay. It is hard enough living in San Diego let alone on a single income. I don't want to have to soak up expenses of a divorce I don't desire.

I guess I may be holding onto hopeful thinking that my husband has more of heart than serving me 2 weeks prior to my big race but I just don't trust anything anymore. And god I hope this crap is dealt with before the holiday season begins...I'd just like to attempt to live a normal life again and preferably with the man who vowed to love me for a lifetime thru good and bad.

-K

To the best of my knowledge you don't sign anything saying you recieved tham (at least in Ca). I have never been served with D papers but I have been served a notice to appear in court. I also have served papers (including D papers) and never got a signature. It is the server that signs saying he/she delivered them to you. Imagine how tuff it would be to serve anybody anything if the person had to sign saying they recieved it. If any of you ever had to sign anything I'm fairly certain it was for the professional company that served you to show undoubtedly that they did their job. Also note that anybody can serve you provided they have no interest in the outcome of the legal action. Including friends of the family.

I dread getting served and I hope my husband warns me before it happens (if it happens).

We knew a couple in PR. The husband is the one who initiated the divorce. She was a HUGE b#@$%ch. No affair..but life was just miserable for him.

He ended up having her served at the beach.

Ok..I think this was a case of a marriage with little hope of salvation...BUT..I still felt so bad for her.

I hope I get warned, and I hope I get served at home--NOT work. Something humane..something to help me keep my dignity.

I think you just have to sign something saying that you recieved them
That is incorrect.
When you ger "served" papers, you don't sign anything. The process server (the person who gave you the papers) signs a document which states he delivered them to you in person.

You can waive the official process server by signing a "waiver of service"paper.
This simply means you received them, not that you agree with them. This will usually save $50-$100 (for the process server). This is how people usually do it if they agree to everything in a divorce and just want to get it done with.

Hi Maddy,

I'll repeat what I said before. For me, getting served was horrible. It didn't help that I was not expecting it.

Do what you can to be in a position of strength when it happens.

And scary as it is, don't make TOO big a deal out of it. You should never, never, never give up hope. Giving up hope is the worst thing you can ever do in your life. When it's hard to have hope, that's the time you need it most. And remember that ultimately what you're hoping for is happiness. Remember that reconciliation and recovery is only one way of achieving it. And also, remember that you have to try to be happy TODAY, right now. If you can't that's okay. You'll try again tomorrow.

GC

Whose ultimately responsible for the cost of the divorce? For those of us who don't desire the divorce to take place, are we saved or is there expenses involved for both parties? How much are the costs generally? God, I hope that this does not happen.

Bob Pure-I hate to think negative as I am always such a positive person but I feel like my world is upside down right now. Everytime I have sent a nice gesture my WH's way while in Plan A, I have been stabbed in the heart again. There has been some good...he has kept me under his insurance plan when he changed jobs last month and was starting to speak nicer to me the last couple weeks until BOOM...he talks about me needing to move on, to find another man, etc., etc just a couple days ago. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Positive thoughts are what keeps me going but I keep getting knocked down and thoughts of divorce papers will bury me.

-K