All day long, I have been sad.

Sadness fades to resentfulness.

Resentfulness fades to anger.

Then, back to sad.

I am sad because all of this has happened. I guess I have been blind to think WH and I had a good marriage for many years.

I am resentful thinking how could WH do this to me? To us? He seems to have a harder time letting go of a woman he has "been with" for 3 years, than he has leaving me alone.

Who is this person, and what does she have that I don't have? Is she a better person than I am?

I am angry. I'd like to reach out and "touch" someone - WH and/or OW. My life is now rubble because of their actions, and I am alone to rebuild it.

How can I get over this?

I would like to say mean, hurtful, and spiteful things to both of them.

But, if I saw them together, I would be hurt to the very core of my being.

Sometimes I think I'm getting over all of this, then it all comes back with an overpowering blast.

A slap in the face. A fist in my gut.

I have great tolerance, forgiveness, and deep appreciation of life. I have never, NEVER done anything to hurt anyone in my whole life. I do not deserve any of this.

I am intelligent, yet I feel stupid.

I read other's threads, and I see sooo much pain. I want to help. Yet I feel helpless.

I pray that these horrid feelings will leave soon, that God will grant me peace, and happiness.

Thanks for letting me get this all out. I am torn. Broken.

But I'm still here.

K

Sorry your down... I was really down yesterday too. Sometimes it doesn't make any sense and then sometimes I feel that there is an underlying reason for it all... At any rate, I sympathize with your feelings.

When I start feeling that way I try my best to push those things out. Don't try to figure it out. You will only cause yourself mental and physical unrest. There is no answer to our BIG question. Go out and do something for yourself. You deserve it... You wouldn't be here if you weren't the better person.

Try and get some rest and take care of yourself.

C.

Thanks, shamley....

Already feeling much better just getting it out.

Emotions do take a terrible toll on you when you let them get to you.

Have just been reading Toomuchcoffee's MB garage. I'm printing out some of the Do and Don't lists right now.

Funny how this rollercoaster ride continues....just when you thought you got to the end, are just about to get off, and the ride takes off again!

I can say....I'M GETTING STRONGER....I WILL MAKE IT!!!!!

Thanks again so much......K

Hi K,

you know what I do when I feel this way??? I jump into my car, go for a drive with "full balst" music and I scream!!!!!!!!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> (gosh, if anyone would see me, they'd get me "picked up and put away"!) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
This releaves alot of tention. Sometimes I grab a pillow and slug it to death...........
this also helps to release the tention inside of me.

I hate this and I know I don't deserve it either, no matter what the situation is. I don't deserve this pain.........no one does.

There must be a reason but I'm not trying to make sence out of it, I just know that I too am a good person a I never want nor have I ever put this kinda pain onto anyone. (well at least not with intention)

K, think for a minute..........your husband is going to have to "cope" with this for the rest of his life. No matter what.
It'S "his" guilt, the steps "he" made, the "pain he" created..............
The "lies he" told and is telling.......

You are "sticking up with this" and you are doing "your" best to cope with these "cruel" situations.

You are trying to "make sence" and you are trying to "look for the mistakes" that you have made to creat this situation.

Everyone makes mistakes...........everyone.
No marriage is ever perfect..........no relationship goes without problems and flaws.

Due to the fact that you have such a long history, you can be "positively sure" that you have it all within yourself to be loved and adored.
You should know that you cannot have that many mistakes to deserve this.

Your husband seems to be a big fat: Conflict Avoider!!!!!!

He's looking for heaven and he doesn't realize that there is no such thing.
No relationship is "heaven". It's a mixture. Sometimes good and sometimes bad.

Reality will always become a part of a relationship and to think that OW will make a relationship "heaven" is bull.............I think it's that simple.

You are for sure the "strong one" in the team right now, no matter what. Streong doesn't have to mean that you don't feel down and that nothing bothers you. It means that you are sticking to what you believe in and what you have always believes.

You are not "running from a conflict" you a "living through it" and you are naturally "grieving. Gosh, stop being so hard on yourself.

You are feeling down and sad because you have your head exactly where it belongs girl! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

You are a very precious person and I'm sure that your husband knows that. He is probably so ashamed of himself that it's simply the hardest situation in the world for him right now to take a "very good look at himself!"

He knows that he has become what he has become and he feels ashamed!!!! I'm sure that he was a man that always had "high morals" and that he displayed this onto his family. He was probably always prowd and secure.

But now............ <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

He is split between 2 worlds. One that is based on fantasy and that gives him the "feeling" that he is right and the other that makes him "aware" that he is a "jerk & fooling" himself.

I don't believe that it's the OW!!!!! It'S what he feels...........

He's wobbling between fantasy and reality.

He's scared to death and he's afraid about what will come. Believe me, K, I'm not pitying him. I'm not saying he's a poor little guy, no way!!!!!

He's trying to "avoid this conflict" and that's it. It wants it to just go away.

I think he needs a real blast of reality!!!!

This has really gotten me thinking. What do you think would happen if you decided to "move out of your house?" (well, I am thinking that you might owe a house???)

Could you imagine that???? Wouldn't this be a "Kick in his pants?" Wouldn't this really get him "jiggling?"
If he has been out for 1+year, why would you need to stay in your house????
Why would he "think" that this also has "stay the same". (I hope this makes sence)

You know how he reacted when you changed your voicemail..........just imagine what it'll do when he hears that your thinking about "moving out of the house"!!!!!

If the house you are living in has many years of "shared history" it's going to "freak him out" and I'm sure about that.

I don't know if this is ala MBers but I remember what happened to my husband when I told him that I was "moving back to my home country". (I wasn't born in Europe, I'm actually Canadian <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> )

He made up his mind within "seconds". But I wasn't joking and he realized that.

Sorry that this has gotten so long but I had the urge to write to you.

I'm sorry that you are sad but take a second and look at yourself in a mirror. Give yourself a hug and a good pat on the back and "smile"!
You're doing a great job and you can be prowd of yourself. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

huggy
bb

Hopefully today is a better day for you. These emotional ups and downs really take a tole on you, but the good news is the bad days really do seem to get farther and farther apart. Like everyone says, one day at a time.

Thanks kloe and bb...

Today is a better day.

bb...you're right. WH used to be a proud, honest, upstanding man. I know this is killing him. He's lost all credibility with everyone. I think this is what "is inside him" that he's trying to work out.

I went to toomuchcoffee's MB garage, and printed out a couple of the lists there. One says to say to yourself all the time I WILL BE OKAY. With or without WH, I WILL BE OKAY.

Another says, to be happy, even if you don't feel it. The happy feelings will come.

Got to go back to work now. Will look in later.

Thanks for your support. K

Days when I am so sad, I reach out to God.

I ask for His forgiveness. I ask Him to give me the strength to forgive my WW and her OM. I ask for strength to patiently endure and I turn my marriage back over to Him.

When I say those prayers, my hope is restored and I am internally calm.

Have faith in God, He hates worrying and complaining.

Give it a shot and see if it helps you.

K, have you looked into any of the inspirational music I or others have listed here? Maybe you have some favorites. Blasting that song I wrote to you always made me feel better. "Make up your mind, and take me or leave me. I'll be doing fine, with or without you."

Maybe my revenge fantasy will chear you up. I just wrote it on here the other day. I actually told my H the fantasy yesterday and he does think I am a bit twisted. My fantasy is that he would have gone to the OW. The reason being I knew that would end up being the worst punishment in the long run. Granted my H somehow knew this even when he LOVED the "B". Realize without a doubt you are the better person here. Don't for one moment second guess yourself on that one. After d-day we went to MC. H was still idolizing OW. She was the princess. Our C looked at him and said, "Look at the woman who is sitting in that chair. (C pointed to me) As far as who has the higher level of functioning, there is no comparison between the OW and CV." boy I loved our C that day!

Your H, somewhere inside of his fogged up being knows who the better woman is. Maybe he'll be a total idiot and let you go. But you will eventually be able to heal and move forward. Your H will be stuck with the conniving "B", no respect from the people who matter (like you and your children), and he will eventually have to see himself in the mirror. I'm sending hugs! CV

Hi thatsall and CV.....

Please know that I do turn to God. I know He's always with me. I know He's there, even tho I do not feel it sometimes.

CV....could you please write the names of the songs you wrote before? I played the one on the internet that night you first posted to me.

Tomorrow, I go to court with a friend for her child custody hearing. It will be my first time ever in court. I hope it goes well with her.

Her husband wants her back, but he is acting so very, very WRONG....spiteful, mean, using their small children against her, or for his purposes in finding out information. I would love to shake him!

Someone told me I should get divorce papers and just leave them out where WH could see them if should happen to come by. But he would probably just get mad and stubborn.

Today is much better for me. It still makes me sad to think of WH and OW together. Sad doesn't even cover the emotions I feel.

But, I'm STILL here. I AM getting stronger, and I WILL make it. With or without him.

Sincere gratitude for all the support. K

K, these are the songs I would play when I needed some kick A## motivation. Tom Petty's "I won't Back Down", "I Will Survive" (old disco tune, but I can't remember the singer right now), and Mariah Carey's "Hero". Oh, and Johnny Lang's song "Give Me Up Again" from the album "Long Time Coming". From a spiritual perspective, I also through this ordeal was led to the idea of angels. Two songs got me on that path and were very helpful to me. "Calling All Angels" by Train, and "A New Day Has Come" by Celine Dion.

Hope these help! CV

"I Will Survive" (old disco tune, but I can't remember the singer right now)

Gloria Gaynor is the lady who sang this kick-[censored] song!

Pep

Hi K,

Sorry you are feeling down. We all understand that feeling because we have been there. Spider Slayer gave some great advice that I took that might help you...I went to cardio class and that helped burn off some anger and resentment. It got my positive chemicals going and it helped me to get fit. The first time I was in class, they played the "I will survive" song and I knew I was meant to be there. Check out some studios near you. Treat yourself to something great today that you would not normally do when H is around....a chick flick, a manicure, a shopping adventure in the makeup department or shoe store. Be good to you!!!!!

Stay strong and hang in there. SS <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hi K,
just wanted to know how you're doing?? I hope you are feeling better. (well at least a bit better <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )

hugs
bb

Thanks for the song titles CV. Looks like I'm going to be shopping for some new CD's this weekend.

bb....I am doing much better, thanks. I printed out two lists (8 things to do, 12 things not to do) from toomuchcoffee's MB garage. They are helping a lot. I read them daily.

I WILL MAKE IT!!!!! I AM GETTING STRONGER AND STRONGER!!!

Thru a phone call from DS, WH asked me to go scuba diving with him and a friend tomorrow. I do not believe he has broken up with OW yet. I need to make some plans so I won't be here when WH comes over tomorrow.

I need some help with this tho.....

How will I know if WH has really broken up with OW (he said he's doing that today, LOL)?

What steps should I take when I know he has really broken up with her?

I NEED SOME HELP WITH THIS, PLEASE.

Thanks, K