I've noticed that quite a few members on this board got married very young, including myself. I was just 21 when I tied the knot. I still remember my wedding day. I was so happy, but then I was also scared, but I didn't tell anybody about it. I've often wondered if this is a normal feeling for people who get married. I was also far far away from home.

My husband and I dated for over three years before we got married. I think we basically grew up together and sort of grew together, too. He's my best friend.

There had been times when I wished that I had dated more, got to know more people. I often feel inexperienced and naive when it comes to relationships and marriage.

It has helped me a great deal to come here and read stories from Juke, Furnitureman, RoughRoad etc. because it made me feel that eventhough people get married young, it doesn't necessarily mean that they are immature or incapable of having a good marriage or relationship.

Maybe we are not so naive after all, even though we haven't really been "around" so much, but having gone through an experience like this, I think it makes us learn and grow in a way that few people ever will.

I don't really know what to post about my recovery or anything because it is really difficult to say where I am in this process. Right now, I'm doing alright; things at home are peaceful and loving, but it can all change in a heartbeat. I've learned to be happy with myself, not be so scared of what the future holds and just take one day @ the time.

Many of you here have been a great inspiration to me.

Kati

me BS 35
husband 45
M 14yrs
DDay Aug2003

<small>[ September 30, 2004, 01:17 PM: Message edited by: Kati ]</small>

Kati..it's hard to say how age affects different people. It has definitely affected my marriage, though from my husband's side, not my own.

He was 19 when we met and at a military academy, which has very strict rules about dating and even leaving school grounds. The first 4 months we dated, he was only allowed of school grounds one night per month.

We knew each other 3.5 years before getting married..and I have a son from a previous marriage. We got married about 4 days after his graduation from the academy.

My husband is approaching 30, and I believe going through an early MLC. I think the fading of that initial "romantic love" and all it's chemicals really affected him. He's looking back and seeing how he never really lived on his own or independently and it's freaking him out. And I, and my son, get to suffer for it.

I told him before we got married that I was getting married for life. Told him that I had not even planned on getting married again after my first marriage (ah, the things we believe when we're younger) and that this time I intended for it to stick.

But ya know...crap happenes. His mom has been married I dont' even know how many times...my husband is correct in that he's not really ever been on his own. We were unappy for while..and he thinks he's too young to have to try and work it out, because we might NOT be able to work it out..so why waste time, etc etc.

Who knows? I think there are some younger folks who really do have it together and are not into the immediate gratification. They are mature enough to know that sometimes you do things for those you love, even though you don't really want to. They have enough honor and integrity to honor their promises and commitements. Then there are others who will never be able to do that, no matter how old they are. Love really messes with your head...the "thrill of the chase" really messes with your head...sex really messes with your head. Some of us can step back and see what steps we really should be taking, and others can't.

<small>[ September 30, 2004, 11:00 AM: Message edited by: maddyk ]</small>

We were both 23 and scared as heck. Not mature enough to know what being married was and too naive thinking that love could carry the weight.

Having not yet established a career, I thought it would be wonderful to experience that with my wife, to look back and say "we did it". I didn't realize how incredibly hard "it" is...

In hindsight, having the career already started would have eased money troubles, self-esteem, too much time away from family, and you all know the list. When it came time to focus on work and making money, I lost my wife....

It wasn't supposed to happen this way...

<small>[ September 30, 2004, 11:23 AM: Message edited by: thatsall ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> It has helped me a great deal to come here and read stories from Juke, Furnitureman, RoughRoad etc. because it made me feel that eventhough people get married young, it doesn't necessarily mean that they are immature or incapable of having a good marriage or relationship.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think this is a compliment. Thanks <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Honestly, I think the age at which you get married has very little to do with your ability to "succeed" in a R/M.

I think it has more to do with a very basic set of morals, values and beliefs.

Quick background on thefurnitureman. WW and I met when I was 19, she was 16. We dated for 4 years before getting engaged. I didn't date much in HS. Even though I was "popular" and a "great guy", being 40lbs overweight, in band, captain of the quiz bowl team does not exactly = HS casanova. Even though I lost a ton of weight before my senior year, I still played really cool sports like soccer and tennis, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I dated some but couldn't find anyone who held a candle to our HS valedictorian, who I was "madly in love" with for the entire duration of HS. (She of course, got M'd, beaten up, D'd and had become a L, last I heard...) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Anyway, do you know how many R's I've had? ONE. (And it's working out well so far, huh!) Yet, surprisingly enough, I've never once wondered what I missed out on, what might have been. I think that is just WS justification cr@p. I guess it's just magical that it's been so easy for me to remain committed, huh?

The only downside I've found to getting into a "committed" relationship so young is that I was unable to identify (or I ignored) huge waving/flashing warning signs that this train wreck was coming my way.

Strangely enough, I was not the least bit scared on my W day. After all, this was my best friend, right?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I've learned to be happy with myself, not be so scared of what the future holds and just take one day @ the time.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is the best attitude to take. Find the good in every day, and make sure you ALWAYS look at things with your eyes wide open.


Ethan

When I got married, it was just prior to my 19th b-day and a fewe months after my ex's 18th.
We were married for 21 years (19 when she left). We had known each other for 3 years and dated for 1.5 years.
No, it wasn't "too young".
I think that's a cop out people use for explaining the crapola that goes wrong.

Hey, hey, hey, Ethan! Now soccer IS a cool sport and don't let anyone ever tell you any different. I'm from Europe and soccer is the "IN" sport there and has always been. I've played soccer since I was a little girl and I'm proud of it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> Now, don't be making fun of my sport, okay???

I've had two relationships before I met my husband. One was not really a relationship, but more of a crush, but we did date a few times, kissed etc. I was like really really young. The second relationship was a little over one year and I broke up with the guy because he was extremely jealous and crowded me (didn't want me to go to college etc.). I was then alone for a while and met my husband when I was 18 (he was 28). My husband had been married before when he was really young (19), but the marriage only lasted for about 8-9 months. They mutually agreed on a divorce and he had not hard feelings etc.

He then had quite a few relationships before he met me. We got married when I was 21 and he was 31. He was the only man that I've ever had sex with. I've never really regretted not having dated much and even though our marriage had up's and down's, I've generally been happy. One of the previous posters mentioned that maybe the issues of having to establish careers etc. can take a toll on a marriage as well. I definitely think so because my husband and I have both worked very hard to get where we are now and I think that it definitely affected our relationship.

Ethan, you are so right that when you say that you were unable to see the huge signs indicating the train wreck that was about to happen in your marriage. I felt the same. I knew that we had problems, but I had no idea that my husband would actually turn to another woman and start developing feelings for this person etc. But then maybe I chose to ignore it because I knew that it would hurt.

RoughRoad wrote something the other day that made me think a lot. She wrote that she is no longer afraid of divorce or separation. I sort of feel the same way. I want my marrige to succeed and I will continue to work hard as much and as long as I can, but I know that whatever will happen, will happen and I will always be alright, no matter what.

You will too, Ethan. I know so. You really sound like a great guy and I can almost promise you that somehow somewhere you will find the happiness that you seek and so much deserve.

Kati

wife & I married when she was 18 & I 19 our oldest, a D is turning 18 tomorrow & our son turns 17 on 2 dec.

Been in the military since then so she had to be semi independant from day 1, organising new homes, schools so on.

I think that to say a person had an affair because one or the other now feels trapped having married young is just so much hogwash. YOU make your own decisions & have to accept responsibility for them. Good & bad.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Chris -CA123:
<strong> When I got married, it was just prior to my 19th b-day and a fewe months after my ex's 18th.
We were married for 21 years (19 when she left). We had known each other for 3 years and dated for 1.5 years.
No, it wasn't "too young".
I think that's a cop out people use for explaining the crapola that goes wrong. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I was engaged at 18, married at 21 and engaged in 2 A's when I was 24 and 25.

I think Chris is right. Getting married too young is not an EXCUSE for adultery. Essentially that is what is being offered when this is said to "justify" behavior.

However, the age (emotionally and physically) at which you marry DOES effect how you respond to issues and problems. Perhaps this means that someone married at a young age- and coping with marital issues at that age- may be more likely to engage in an affair to *solve* the problem then someone who was a bit older with more life experience. Perhaps not. just thinking out loud here.

<small>[ September 30, 2004, 01:34 PM: Message edited by: Sadfww ]</small>

We were both 22 when we married and our life was a wonderful adventure for the next 16 years. A crap year of poor EN, led to this A and a generally poor M for a year or so, but that seems to be fixable now ! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I highly recommend early M! It gave us the chance to do so many things for the first time TOGETHER !

well i'm not sure what to say but what to say something. my thoughts so far after reading this thread are just run amok and feel like i need to be selective (can't exactly type every single thing).

i met my H the day after i turned 17 and he is the only guy i have ever been with. i had a really short R w/a guy previous to that (maybe 2 months) but other than that, nothing. i wasn't scared when i got married and i have never thought i missed out on anything and still don't. my H is only 5 years older than me but when it comes to have experiences w/other females that did give him a good head start. he was engaged before we met but the girl dumped him and then he went on a women hating binge until he met me. why was i any different, well i just wouldn't go away for one and i was really really cool to his friends. how could i date more when i was never asked? i was asked a couple of times from guys in high school but no one i wanted to go out with. but it seemed like if i had any contact with a guy outside of my school, then those guys wanted to go out w/me (like from another state or that were in the military)maybe the guys from my HS kind of grew up w/me and that's why they didn't ask me out. who knows, utah kind of grows a good crop of girls so i had a lot of competition(although they do have one of the highest teen pregnancy rates).

there is just no possible way that we could have known how things would turn out. of course we didn't know it would take me so long to finish school, didn't know that he would have to be gone so much for the military, didn't know the military would be so stressful for me (when I was active duty). i didn't ever really get worked about things because i knew other husbands and wives had similar problems and they were just a part of life. i kept saying things will get better when we are both done w/school and out of the military. i was so looking forward to that which was supposed to be this year. to finally arrive at the time where we could finally be the husband and wife we wanted to be and enjoy the rest of our lives.

i don't really think that it was our age but more of the fact we did not really date for that long or spend that much time together before we got married. i'm not saying that we still wouldn't have gotten married if we had dated more but now looking back i'm realizing how very little i knew my H. i'm not the same person i was when we got married but now after all this i feel i'm better (except maybe weight wise, still have a few pounds to go but that's for me not for anyone else). I'm better not just in my understanding of what a wife should be but in all areas of my life like church, work, in even to strangers i meet. my H is not the same person i married and he definitely is not better even though he says that he is the same person deep down (of course that is coming from the alien that has abducted his brain).

i still love my H, miss him, and want to rebuild our M, i'm a little bit confused right now because he hasn't filed and i'm not sure what that means. but one thing i do know is that if it doesn't work out w/my H there are definitely other men out there who i know will not cheat on me.

thanks Kati for thinking i say something important <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> and glad to hear things are going well for you, prayers to you, RR

Friends,
In my M, I think plain old inexperience and lack of maturity was our problem, not so much our ages. My W and I met in highschool, were married 5 years later and are still somehow together, after my A, her A, a 2 year separation and now; recovery.

I find myself split when I revisit the past and I hate admitting this, but I think it took our M to bottom out for us to actively repair our M. All in all, there were many happy times that I feel blessed to have shared with my W. I do wish we would have BOTH been more careful with each others HEARTS, inexperienced/young/immature people have a tendencies to use each others hearts as "Crash Test Dummies"..oh the things you learn and unlearn at your lover/partner/spouses expense!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />