If you can bear with it, this is long. I wanted to list my reflections over the past year as to how far I’d come & reflect over everything that happened to our family this past year.

October 5, 2003 – The worst day of my life so far. Topped my father’s death. Death I can live with. It’s hard but I get through. It was very hard to lose my father when he was only 49 but this, this was much worse. I could deal with Daddy not coming back. H was gone from the house but still in the kids’ lives. Just not mine. He didn’t want ME. Or so I thought. Five days later I find out that he didn’t want me b/c he had found someone else. 10 years younger. Hmmm, interesting. So I find whatever I can to save my M. I search & search & find various groups to join so I can stand w/other people going through the same thing as me. So many people in devastation. I find one of the best websites on M I have ever seen – Marriage Builders. I implement the principles right away. I also join a group called Restore Ministries & discover things about myself, sins I had committed that I needed to change immediately if I had even a glimpse of hope that my H would return. In other words, time for Plan A.

Four months of plan A. Longest 4 months of my life. I prayed non-stop. I became so close to God that I just KNEW that my H would return someday. I didn’t know how, I didn’t know when, I didn’t know if He would allow a D, but I just knew in my heart that I needed to show my H unconditional love. All the pain, all the heartache, all the waiting was worth it. B/C not only would God restore me, but he’d restore my M to what He intended. And He did.

February 19, 2004 my H moved back home. He moved back here w/the intention on going to a few counseling sessions & then turning around & saying this isn’t working. He came back w/the intention to fail. He came back w/no love in his heart for me. Not the kind I wanted anyway. But God had other plans. He was softening my H’s heart. He was changing him too. He was working on this M getting it to where He wanted it to be.
Today – It’s been almost 8 months since his return & our lives are slowly getting back to a new normal. I can’t call what we have as normal b/c normal would be where we were pre-A. My H says we have better than that. We have “better than normal”. The other day we were talking about holidays coming up so fast. And he told me that he wants this Christmas to be so special. He wants to celebrate this holiday w/vigor b/c he didn’t enjoy Christmas last year. Sure, he said he did at the time. He acted like it was no big deal. He watched me & the kids putting the Christmas tree up & didn’t say a word. But as he told me recently, this is one of the memories that haunts him. Knowing how cruel & inconsiderate he was to everyone around him makes him feel horrible inside. Guilt – not a good thing to live with but one of the consequences of his actions. He knows this. He’s working on forgiving himself.

Me? I’m working on trust, not just him, but others as well. I’m working on facing these haunting triggers, especially the closer it gets to our D-day. I keep asking myself, Will I ever be able to look back & not be effected by all that’s happened to us? Will I ever be able to trust him fully again? Will I ever not wonder what it would be like if I had continued on by myself? The answer to all of those questions is No. I realize this now. There will always be some small part of me that will question but when I look to God, I also realize that if it wasn’t for this A & separation happening, I would have never known how badly I was treating my H by my words & spiritual righteousness, in essence pushing him away from me & partly causing his unhappiness. H was a weak man then. He was unhappy, was afraid to let me know how unhappy he really was & fell to temptation by looking for comfort in another woman.

No, God didn’t intend to teach us these lessons by an A, H chose that path, but God used this situation to create a new me, a new H & a new M. He has restored the love that was lost. My H initiates the ILYs now. My H tells me how lucky he is & is really trying to gain back that trust that was lost. Neither one of us wants to take this M for granted anymore. We know it’s going to be a long road that we have to travel. But the important thing is that we’re traveling it together instead of separately. Thank you God for showing us what we needed to see. Thank you God for changing me & being my guide, our guide as we go down that road.

Thank you MB for changing my life. Thank you for giving us the tools necessary to keep those LB$ filled, lessening the chances of an A occurring. Thank you MB friends for being there when I needed someone the most, understanding what I was going through, lending an ear & advice. Thanks for continuing to reach out your hand to those who are desperately looking for someone to reach out to & helping them through to the other side.

I was going to post this on 10/5, a yr later, but I decided to post it early b/c I don’t want to be on MB that day. Not that I don’t love you all, but I think I’d be better able to get through the day focusing my attention somewhere else. Now that’s the hard part. I want to do something significant that day to signify the new beginning of us, burying the past & moving on. Some kind of symbolic gesture. Any ideas?

ST I really hope some of our struggling MB friends read your journal here and see that from teh lest promising beginnings, relationships can flourish again !

It all makes sense from HERE, but from THERE at the start it sall so uncertain and flaky-seeming !

Congratulations and have a GREAT "anniversary" !

StandingTall,

Wow! I needed this today. Needed to hear that God can take something so horrible and make it good. As I have heard it said, You intended for harm, but God intended for good. "He works things for good for those that love Him".

I hope to be able to post my own letter such as yours one day. Thanks for sharing. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Katie

Thanks Bob. At the beginning of this whole ordeal, I was VERY uncertain. I didn't know what to think, how to act, what to do. I just kept thinking that I needed to help God somehow. If only I could just talk to my H, he'd see what a mistake he was making. God, I know this is what you want. Now how do I get him back here? I wanted to FORCE God to FORCE H back here. I wanted Him to fulfill His promises THEN & NOW. But God kept telling me to be patient, to continue to show His love, to be that shining beacon of light in the dark world all around me. And the more I trusted God, the more peaceful I became.

Katie,

Hold on to that promise from God. He will indeed make all this good somehow. I truly believe that although we might not see it right away. So keep having faith in God's promises & let Him guide you on this journey. I'm sorry. I'm not familiar w/your story. Can you point me in the right direction? I'll be praying for you none-the-less.

Love in Christ,
Y

StandingTogether,

I have not been on this site for very long. But here is a link for most of the story.
I have questions...do you have answers??

I am currently reading Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas. It is a very insightful book talking about what if God designed marriage to make us holy, more than to make us happy. Maybe I should get the WH to read it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> But I have found that is a real LB right now. lol

Any help or advice you can give me, I will sincerely appreciate.

Katie

<small>[ September 30, 2004, 06:55 PM: Message edited by: katiegirl34 ]</small>

Katie,

I need to check out that book. Sounds interesting. I'm at work right now, but I'll check out your thread & see if I can lend a hand.

You're totally right about getting WH to read anything. My H didn't want to read anything until HE was ready. Trying to force it on him just made it worse. I let him come into things on his time, not mine.

Love in Christ,
Y

Having a hard time today. H doesnt really want to communicate with me. No email or calls. I know he is contacting the OW. Hard not to get bitter or resentful. Still trying to do plan A but sometimes it feels more like plan B.

I cant MAKE him come home. I KNOW that, but the control freak in me wants to beat him over the head till he does come home and he better LIKE it too. lol <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I guess I need to pray more. The book I was telling you about is really a great book. Wish the H would read it and understand that as a Christian, he really doesnt have a choice about loving his wife or not. He is commanded to.

Ok I could go on but I wont. Thanks for letting me vent. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I cant MAKE him come home. I KNOW that, but the control freak in me wants to beat him over the head till he does come home and he better LIKE it too. lol
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ah, if only this worked!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> We wouldn't have the need for Plan A!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I'm sorry to hear your H won't talk to you. I know what you mean about feeling like you're in Plan B w/him b/c my H treated me the same way when he moved out. Later, I found out that he was treating me that way so I would hate him & not want him back. He wanted to make it easier on HIMSELF. That way he could say, "She doesn't love me. I'm moving on w/my life." Didn't work, did it? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I read your thread & I want to ask, do you know 4 sure that he is talking to her while over there? Or are you assuming b/c he doesn't call you? I know how frustrating it is to want to talk to your H all the time, hear his voice, etc. b/c I wanted that too. H wouldn't call me at all. Would stop to see the kids but made sure that he was gone b4 I got home from work. Things like that. So I fell in to the trap of calling him 4 every little excuse I could think of just to hear his voice. He would get very annoyed w/me. When I would hear that in his voice, I apologized 4 bothering him & got off the phone. Later, I found out that he felt bad 4 cutting me off so abruptly. It angered me to no end that he would call his OW every day, 4 hours at a time (running up his cell phone bill which we have to pay for now <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> ) but he couldn't call his W, the woman who had been there 4 him all those yrs.

So, after a lot of prayer, I decided to do things on my own, develop my own life w/o him so I could find some kind of peace. I prayed a lot, Bible studied a lot, went out, made some new friends, etc. And then I wasn't around as much & my H thought I had moved on w/o him. I mean, he didn't want me, he wanted me to move on (his words) but then when I tried, he would question my moves. I think deep down inside he wanted me to wait 4 him 4 the rest of my life. Maybe flattered him a little bit that he had 2 women who wanted him? Who knows.

What I tried to do was, while developing my own life, when he would be around w/me present, I would plan A. I would smile a lot, have friendly conversation, listened, repeat LISTENED. Helped tremendously. Let him do most of the talking. I had to learn how to speak the right words & stay quiet when necessary. And I accomplished this through prayer. When he would talk about D or something like that, I just let him speak. After he left, I would bind those words coming out of his mouth in the name of Jesus. I knew that the words coming out of his mouth were entangled in satan's lies & I rebuked them. I didn't do it in front of H though. Or I would nod my head a lot. Not speaking a word.

I really took hold of the scripture about winning your H w/o a word & quiet & gentle spirit. If God wanted to turn me into a biblical wife, I had to apply the words I reading into my own situation. Does that make sense? I looked at the separation as a training tool 4 me to learn how to become the biblical W God wanted me to be so I would be prepared 4 when he came home.

I know you're frustrated w/not hearing from him, but I would suggest that when you do hear from him, that you keep the conversations pleasant & not to remind him of the M. He knows you want him back. He knows what you want. And asking him about it, where he stands, etc., well, are you prepared to hear his answer if it's not the one you want? My therapist told me that I'm the type of person that likes to hear what I want to hear. That I had to learn how to hear the things I didn't want to hear & learn how to react to them. Instead of reacting out of anger or becoming extremely depressed, I had to take the answers & learn from them. Don't know if that makes sense at all. I tend to ramble on.

I do have to go 4 now, but I hope we can continue talking. Is it okay if I add you to my buddy list for yahoo? I see that you have a yahoo e-mail address. My e-mail is cherfan31@earthlink.net & my yahoo id is thirteenyrs if you want to add me. Then we can IM each other whenever we're online. Sometimes it helps to chat instead of post.

Hope you have a better evening.

Love in Christ,
Y

StandingTogether,

Thanks for the advice and encouragement. H tells me he cares about me but doesnt love me. Says he loves OW but knows that they are not emotionally stable or spiritually stong enough to maintain a relationship. She goes into depression and gets sick when he doesnt talk to her. At least that is what he tells me. He is very soft hearted to people suffering. However, I guess he feels he has suffered enough from me. Says he doesnt want to hurt me or to hurt her.
He knows that this is wrong. I think that is the only reason he is still saying he is seeking God's will in this. He know what the bible says and he knows what is right. But he says he has nothing left to give to the relationship. That he has nothing left. I think if he came home and I did a great plan a, he might get some energy back to put forth. But, since he is overseas, it is rather difficult. I have info from a round about source that says he is going to come home, move out and file for D. Of course that is coming from the OW. So no telling if that is true or not. He lies to each of us.
What I am doing for myself is reading a lot of books and my bible. Praying a lot and giving the battle up to Him. My daughter and I keep on going. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Any insights on him?

<small>[ October 01, 2004, 07:59 PM: Message edited by: katiegirl34 ]</small>

Praise Be to God!! WH called tonight and the fog is starting to lift. Said he cant believe all the pain he has caused. Wants to do the right thing. Wants to come home...to me and work on our marriage!!!! Said it wasnt true that he has NEVER loved me! Woohooo!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Anyway, I am prayerfully hopeful and optimistic!!! First daylight I have seen in a long while!! lol

Thanks for all the encouragement from you guys on MB.

Katie,

OMG!!!! Can I do a little happy dance?! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> This is wonderful! Finally, some light shining through that dark tunnel. Now keep digging to get all the way through! Let God lead you!!!!

This just made my day!

Love in Christ,
Y

StandingTogether,

I know it is not going to be an easy road, but I think it will be a fulfilling one if we give God the chance. Have not talked to H today. Dont even know if he has said goodbye to OW, but I have some hope now. Yesterday before he called, I was pretty miserable. Just had a hard day. Prayed and just cried out my heart to my heavenly Daddy. What a great and mighty God we serve. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Anyway, thanks for the encouragement. I know I will have to bite my tongue a LOT in the next few months. Just have to keep up the Plan A, right? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

God Bless!
Katie

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Very happy for you! And it's uplifting to know what is possible. My fingers and toes are crossed for you!

Katie,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Prayed and just cried out my heart to my heavenly Daddy. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He definitely heard you!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I know I will have to bite my tongue a LOT in the next few months. Just have to keep up the Plan A, right?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That's definitely right. Just keep loving him unconditionally as God loves us, flaws & all. Remember to keep a gentle spirit & take all your concerns to God - He hears you & wants to help you get through this. Keep reaching out to Him b/c He's the one who's going to give you the strength to go on.

Hugs to you {{{{{{{{Katie}}}}}}}}}

Love in Christ,
Y

Thank you Deja Vu! You're in my prayers as well. I saw you replied on prayer request forum. I'll check out your reply & see if I can give you some encouragement. Remember to keep looking up!!!

Love in Christ,
Y