Hi everyone....
I have posted here before, Mid August it all came out and confronted my wife with evidence of her affair with two men.
She started to freak out and even slapped and kicked me. My evidence was a voice recorder that was attached to my phone and it had alot of talk with both men....
that night after alot of hours she wanted to work it out...

We took a family trip for a few day witch we had alot of fun, the best we had in years......
My worry is that she is still in contact with the OM's behind my back, she has lied to me many time and i keep catching her.....

We joke around many day and other days we end up into an arguement.. I truly love her but what I heard her say to these men and what sex she had with them is killing me....
She wants me to put it behind us but we are not communicating enough, i want to know why she did this so i can improve our R.......

I am lost and i am trying very hard but what she has done is hard to deal with.....
Our sex has better but not as what she has done with the OM's....She now kisses me and it's been 3 years she has not...

I sure hope to still get alot of help here....
Thank you...

Hi DP,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> She wants me to put it behind us </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Big red flag here... sounds alot like what my W said after I found out about her first A... We never went to MC. We just both acted like her A never happened.

Find a good pro-marriage MC and start going.

Trying to work through all of this by yourselves is like trying to do brain surgery on yourself...

Semper Fi,
RIF90

Thank you for replying....

Do you think she is still seeing these other men....

She started to be more close to me but she does not want to talk about it?????
This has been going on for three years, we bought a new house in Febuary and we are scheduled to move in in a few months...She is very excited to move in and she is planning a vacation for us and the kids during christmas time....

I just dont know, but I wanted to go to counciling but she does not want to go.....

I am still watching her to see it something shows that she is still in contact, the one i am really wondering is the co-worker.....

Thanks.

Deeppain, does she believe there is anything wrong with adultery? This seems to be a way of life with her, doesn't it?

So you have any reason to believe you can change her personality and character into a faithful person? It seems to me that it would be more realistic to just accept her how she is: a polygamous person.

Maybe you just need to accept that truth and decide if you want to live like this for the rest of your life?

Yeah, I smell a rat also. I see alot of similarities with cheating wives throughout this post. Mine claims it was just an EA but I continue to see signs on an ongoing basis and continual lying. I am just waiting to discover the big evidence and will then file for divorce and start enjoying life! Can someone explain why they want to stick around and torture their husbands? Just leave and let their husbands move on. Sounds like you caught her red handed and you are just not sure if she is telling the truth or not. Unfortunately, once a liar always a liar in my opinion. I too am trying to verify if the A continues before I give up on MC. My MC (my W attends with me) is basically trying Plan B since my W will not admit PLan A. Either way I am waiting until January to file (if I can afford it) since I have kids which are the love of my life.

My W still does not admitt to the sexual A even when shown with the voice evidence .....
She says their were just words .....
They were talking about the sex they had the night before......how can they be just words.....
she did not know she was being recorded.....

I still need to find out if their is still contact .....I pray their is not but she knows i am monotoring....

This has completely screwed me up and she shows no remorse to me and I havent had a good night sleep......

thanks.

deeppain,

First, reread RIF90's post. I can say the EXACT same words. If she wants to "put behind both of you" then go to a MC figure out all of the reasons that it happened, and how to prevent it from happening again. If you don't, then you run a very substantial risk of this happening again. (Assuming it currently isn't.)

Which brings me to my second point.....

Examine this statement:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My W still does not admitt to the sexual A even when shown with the voice evidence .....
She says their were just words .....
They were talking about the sex they had the night before......how can they be just words.....
she did not know she was being recorded.....

I still need to find out if their is still contact .....I pray their is not but she knows i am monotoring....

This has completely screwed me up and she shows no remorse to me and I havent had a good night sleep......
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You know the truth, yet your W continues to lie to you about it. Is that what you want out of your R? If she knows you are monitoring, perhaps she has just gotten better at hiding her tracks..... just a thought.

I suggest you take a closer look at your "recovery."

Ethan

Yes, i am feeling the same way to why she wont admitt it even though I know.....
She is very nervious about her family knowing what she has done.....
She seems to worry about what others will think of her.... I guess she does not want to be called a *****....

I want to go to counsiling but she does not, i guess she is scared to what may come out...

If you feel that you must need to know whether your W is cheating on you then I suggest that you hire a private investigator who specializes in these kinds of cases. The investigator is an impartial third party and knowledgeable in the law [unlike you, unless of course you are an attorney] who can gather incontravertible evidence of her cheating.

One more thing that is disconcerting is your W's use of violence against you when you confronted her about your evidence. If she is in the habit of slapping and kicking you then you have someone who is committing domestic violence and if you continue to tolerate it, one day it could lead to something tragic.

Don't worry Deeppain - I have not had a good nights sleep since I discovered my W alleged EA in February. That is why I am getting to the end of this thing. You know, one thing really sticks in my mind that I am sure is a common theme for all H in this situation. When I first discovered the alleged EA I was completely devasted and thinking of ending it all. My lovely W knew this and kept telling me how much she loved me and that it was over. Well, guess what! She kept staying in touch with him on her new covert cell phone. When I asked to see the bill she refused and broke down telling me that she has stayed in contact with him even after the discovery of the alleged EA. Gee, sounds like she really loves me alot - come on people! Those are just words and mean nothing because the actions clearly state that she has taken him over me!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by BigMark:
<strong> Well, guess what! She kept staying in touch with him on her new covert cell phone. When I asked to see the bill she refused and broke down telling me that she has stayed in contact with him even after the discovery of the alleged EA. Gee, sounds like she really loves me alot - come on people! Those are just words and mean nothing because the actions clearly state that she has taken him over me! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Big Mark- I'm sure you have heard it said on this board before that an affair is like an addiction. Addicts have a hard time stopping their self-destructive behavior. Have you had her write a NC letter?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> She is very nervious about her family knowing what she has done.....
She seems to worry about what others will think of her.... I guess she does not want to be called a *****....

I want to go to counsiling but she does not, i guess she is scared to what may come out...
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Red flag #2 for me. WW said in an email after we separated, that the only reason she came back after the first A was because she "didn't want anyone to find out what she had done."

I'd keep looking.....

Sadfww, What is an NC letter again? I would recommend a tab on this site to easily translate all of the acronyms at any time - it would be very helpful...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by BigMark:
<strong> Sadfww, What is an NC letter again? I would recommend a tab on this site to easily translate all of the acronyms at any time - it would be very helpful... </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The NC letter is a No Contact letter. I'm sure there is a post around here with acronyms explained- I just haven't been here long enough to know where it is!

Here's a link about the NC letter:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html


My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent.

If you haven't read through the articles on Coping with Infidelity- DO!

Sadfww, I certainly hope Deeppain is also learning from some of our discussions. Thanks for the detail behind the NC letter. The one thing that is critical to the whole equation is that the WS admits everything and can write the letter. If you continue to hear it was just an EA but yet lies are constantly experienced on a weekly basis, one would have to start focusing more on moving on. The WS will claim they cannot write a letter for something that has not happened or is no longer happening. This is called TRUST and w/o verification you are really going out on another weak branch that will eventually lead to a fall that will hurt, again. How many falls do we need before we cannot take it anymore? To be quite honest my WS has made a few adjustments in her behavior that were needs for me and I have done nothing in return other than throw more LB's! I just cannot start working on her EN's until I know where my starting point is. Is this wrong? I am still relatively young (40) and may have a much brighter future ahead of me w/o her.

Big Mark- let's move this to another thread since I somewhat hijacked this one! I'm going to cut and paste- and hope that our more experienced members can give some thoughts.

I dont mind......
I actually learning from this.....

I have given my W a open door to leave and go with them if she wants and she kept saying it's over and she is not talking to them anymore.....
She choose to stay and work on it......

Deeppain - Once again she states she will no longer talk to them anymore and wants to work it out. Is she telling the truth??? How will you know??? That is the most important foundational principle (after LOVE) for this entire site - TRUST. Without it - you have nothing.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> TRUST. Without it - you have nothing.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is so true!!!!