Well, I got it off my chest.
I even decided to go to my email acct. and delete every single one of them. I did, they are GONE!

I think she is sorry she got caught, embarressed and ashamed that I read her every sexual time with OM. I am sure she has kicked herself a thousand times for SAVING those sexually detailed emails but NOT for having the affair.

She is so very sorry that I was hurt because of her cheating but not for the cheating itself.
I believe she thinks of it as a once in a lifetime experience like in Bridges of Madison County. UG!

One time she told me that during that 6 months when she would secretly meet with the OM, she honestly thought what I didn't know, wouldn't hurt me. She said she felt like a 'teenager' in love.

Fog talk or whatever you want to call it, she let another man screw her many many times and she enjoyed it!

Oh well, this needs TIME. When my dad died I thought I would always feel miserable but TIME has healed my grief. Thus TIME will help here, I am sure.

<small>[ October 01, 2004, 11:07 AM: Message edited by: Zippidy doo dah ]</small>

Zip - is it over?

Are you in recovery?

Has she sent a no contact letter?

If yes, yes, yes - I strongly suggest you edit out of your post your wife's words. Reason - if you're REALLY in recovery you need to tell her about your participation here and she may choose to see what you've written. Reading her own embarassing words will not help you.

Yeah, it is over because he found another woman to take her place. An unmarried woman. Last I heard they are getting married.

He did the NC thing; it is over between them.
Probably made it harder on my wife because it wasn't HER decision. And let me tell you something, my wife was always a good girl with pristine behavior. What happened to her morals?

I know this man. He actually has a 'good reputation' in the community.

I think my W was the predator, and she took him (and herself) on a sexual journey.

She does not know of this site or that I am posting. She thinks I have forgiven her, I probably have YET these lovemaking pictures will always be in my mind; how can they not be?

Perhaps in TIME, they will diminish, just like any horrible happening in life.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Zippidy doo dah:
<strong> And let me tell you something, my wife was always a good girl with pristine behavior. What happened to her morals?

I think my W was the predator, and she took him (and herself) on a sexual journey.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Zip- you sound very angry (understandable). When was dday? Are you in MC?

So what have you identified in your past behavior that contributed to the poor marital environment that fostered her affair?

WAT

Yeah, Lady, I reckon I am rather angry still.
You, being a FWW know the fantasy my wife was living. I think she was pretending to be the 'heronine' from a paper back romance novel!

However, I do not share this anger with my wife.
The affair has been OVER for a year and a half.

Actually, this email was found by me, in a folder my wife had stored secret emails in...there are MORE like this one.

I sent them all to a different account after reading them. Why I want to save them is beyond my rational thinking.

She does know I read them, (she had forgot to sign out) All it takes is one mistake from a cheating spouse and the secret is gone. I don't know if she deleted them or not because she has never forgot to sign out since!

We can have them give us their passwords but it is SO EASY to open a seperate free yahoo account. So why even ask them for passwords?
And we can ask for NC letters BUT....that is just words and sometimes just gives us a cover when they are actually still meeting OM.

I feel confident that this affair is OVER yet I can't help but believe she doesn't re-live these exciting rendevous's with him.

Hard to compete with that list of techniques & places! Plus she doesn't have the passion and desire for me that she had for him.
Probably has a lot to do with the 'excitement and secret' part of it.

Z,
Your pain and resentment is so raw and near the surface...it's affecting you, your M, your W, and you are unaware of it.

Please PLEASE try different methods to work through this.

These emotions you're harboring aren't healthy, and will self destruct soon.

What have you done to work through this ?

WAT, I honestly believe that when a wife is smitten with another man and desires to have an affair with him that our part as their loveing H has very little to do with that decision.

We had a good sex life, 3 times a week, when the affair started. We are not young, our children have all 'left the nest' and no longer live at home. We took walks, went out to eat often, didn't argue, got along quite well.

I basically take NO BLAME for her decision to stray. Can you stop the wind from blowing or the sun from shining? Could I have stopped wife from her chance at a NEW ROMANCE, by my actions. I do not think so.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Zippidy doo dah:
<strong> WAT, I honestly believe that when a wife is smitten with another man and desires to have an affair with him that our part as their loveing H has very little to do with that decision.

We had a good sex life, 3 times a week, when the affair started. We are not young, our children have all 'left the nest' and no longer live at home. We took walks, went out to eat often, didn't argue, got along quite well.

I basically take NO BLAME for her decision to stray. Can you stop the wind from blowing or the sun from shining? Could I have stopped wife from her chance at a NEW ROMANCE, by my actions. I do not think so. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Zip- WAT wasn't saying that you were to BLAME for the A. A BS is NEVER to "blame" for an A- an A is NEVER justified. Period. However, the dynamics of your marriage -the lack of meeting of EN's- may have contributed to your W's A. Have you read through Dr. Harley's basic concepts or done the EN quiz?

I know you are angry. I know my H was extremely angry at Dday. That was 5 years ago- and we are only now rebuilding our marriage to BE the marriage that I have dreamed of and longed for. Don't let your anger get in the way of recovery. Your wife needs you- and she needs your forgiveness if your marriage is to work.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Zippidy doo dah:
<strong> WAT, I honestly believe that when a wife is smitten with another man and desires to have an affair with him that our part as their loveing H has very little to do with that decision.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">In the vast majority of cases, you would be wrong.

Sadfww answered this very well.

That said, you may have done very little to alienate your wife. She may have been in the throes of a mid-life crisis or some other pickle that was the major cause of her decisions.

Or, you have yet to recognize your role.

Please consider my situation. We lost an 8 1/2 year old child to cancer after a 5 year battle. Both my wife and I and our extended family were exhausted and deeply grieved. My wife took up shelter in the comfort of her best friend's husband. The loss of our child was an obvious catalyst for her bizarre behavior. After introspection, I realized I helped create her need to flee elsewhere for solace. Had I taken responsibility, if only in part, for the poor state of the marriage - despite an obvious excuse to blame something else - I may have prevented my wife's need to seek comfort elsewhere. Maybe not. But her need was present nonetheless.

Your wife is still with you, mine is not. You have a chance to prevent her doing this all over again, but only if you open your mind to the possibility that you had a role.

Think of it this way. You're angry and resentful that she could have hurt you the way she did. Perhaps if you identify YOUR contributions to the mess, you may find the humility to accept some of the responsibility. This, in turn, may lessen your anger towards her.

WAT

Zip:

Knowing that men and women cheat for different reasons, hopefully I can shed a little light on that email and the reasons for it...

I am a WH who wrote similar emails to TWO my OW (although not quite as graphic) 6 months ago. My BS found them last week and proceeded to read them to me verbatim over the phone.

Her reaction was similar to yours, disgust and worry that the vivid memory will last forever.

My take on it?
I was completely disgusted by what I said to these women. I sounded like a complete pig. I can't believe now that I wrote those words, honestly.
I can only plead "temporary insanity" and say that my head was in a totally different place then. I was trying to salvage my ego and my worthiness as a man by making other women worship me and want me, when in reality the only validation I needed was from my W.

One thing to help yourself feel better - think about those words from HER perspective - how do you think SHE feels about what she said? Does it make her sick, or does it remind her of good times?
HER reaction to her past behavior is a good indication of where she is now.

IF you see honest disgust and regret in her for having ever written those words, perhaps you can forget about them more easily.

Thanks to all that took the time to write in this thread. I appreciate your words, and all had good advice in your posts.

Re-read my first post, as I deleted it and changed it.

I do not like being the 'center of attention'.
I will be getting off the Internet shortly, I do not have much alone time at home or on the computer.

W went shopping with her sister and mother.

Thanks again, Mike
I am in the process of reading everything here at this site, on the home page...do not have any books and do not plan on ever going to MC. We will work through this, it just takes lots of time and an extremely lot of forgiveness.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Zippidy doo dah:
<strong>do not have any books and do not plan on ever going to MC</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Please keep an open mind on this.

I'll make a bet with you.

I will personally give you a money back guarantee if you buy Surving An Affair, but don't find value in it. It's available in the bookstore on this site or thru other on-line booksellers, or even in your local bookstore.

I may even offer double or nothing.

Take it?

WAT

When you get done reading this site (which took me around a week). Make a u turn and do it again. It is best to commit these thing to memory.

Forgivness and time will heal but will not stop a repeat performance. If your W is not disgusted with her past behavior then that means she condones it. And if she condones it then.....

As for not having anything to do with the reason your W decided to stray... If that is true your a better man than I. I had a lot to do with my W's retreat into A land. Not that I wasn't a loving, very affectionate, and faithful spouse. But it takes two.

JMHO

C.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Zippidy doo dah:
<strong>

I think she is sorry she got caught, embarressed and ashamed that I read her every sexual time with OM. I am sure she has kicked herself a thousand times for SAVING those sexually detailed emails but NOT for having the affair.

She is so very sorry that I was hurt because of her cheating but not for the cheating itself.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Are you sure about that Zip? If you read what most of the FW spouses here have posted- remorse is a HUGE reality for them (myself included.) Remorse to the point of making yourself ill. Perhaps you aren't in touch with what she really is feeling deep down? I know that I
"shielded" my H from a lot of my break downs b/c I thought it wasn't fair to burden him with my emotions after having betrayed him so horribly.


Have you been honest with her recently about your feelings- and about wanting to make your marriage work but that you need changes from both of you to make your marriage the best it can be?