Mark gave me permission to print this. I will not be talking a lot about it. Any responses or thoughts would be welcome.

I have a lot of anger right now. No recognition for how our M got where it was before the A. Just my perception of how our marraige was is overblown. He was totally happy so it wasn't so bad.

By the way, I was told I should not complain because Niosgirl has it much worse. I do agree. Many, many people here have gone through much much worse. My heart really does hurt for them. I have it pretty easy, and God has blessed us.

This is how it has been for a very long time. Not just after the A. NOt just after me going back. I do not feel I can let down my walls. I know this is wrong. It is wrong to air all this out here. But so much has been revealed(IMO) that was too much for so long, that I don't see how we could possibly share too much now.

I am hurt. I want a little space. The talking is easy. NCW IS a great man. If I can't be what he needs right now, maybe someone else can.

I am ready for 2x4s.

Mark's letter to me:

Pam,

I went back and re-read my posts. Yes. There were inappropriate things I shared. Some of the things you told me I said were from WAY back. Apparently, YOU have not forgiven me for them. Tit-for-tat? I brought up your repeated lies about it being over to tell you I HAVE forgiven you for them. Not to say “you deserved it because…” But to ask forgiveness as I have forgiven you. Admittedly, I could have phrased it better. Sorry. It was an interesting trip down memory lane. Know what I saw? Me consistently trusting you and honoring your honesty only to have another betrayal. It was like multiple affairs. I’d get through one, then BAM, another. I saw me CONSISTENTLY asking for the same thing. A sign of compassion, some grace, NOT SF. You say you are tired of my anger. Well I am tired of yours, too. JL was probably ON TARGET with his disrespectful judgements, though I’d have to read it again to be sure. How else would you explain YOUR anger at misinterpreting my plan B statement yesterday morning? You judged me and jumped on me and I had to suffer your anger unjustly. What wrong had I done?

Know what else I saw as I reviewed those old posts? Me being angry, then me forgiving you, then me loving you again and again. I just plain walked those. I said it is my DUTY to be the best husband I can be because of my promise. And I willed myself to do my best to be a Godly husband. FEELINGS for you were anything but. And I saw it WORK again and again. I CHOSE TO OBEY GOD and be the best I could be TO YOU and the feelings FOLLOWED . Every time. It works because it is a BIBLICAL PRINCIPLE.

I am pretty much convinced that you are going to stagnate regarding the repair of our marriage until you walk in obedience to God and BE the best wife to me. Feelings or not. I will be patient, (WHAT???) but that is the way it will happen. You will walk and honor, respect, and give regardless of what I do and then your feelings will return. You actually DO sow what you reap. But not like you think. I sow ACTS of love to you an I reap feelings of love TOWARD you, not from you.

Mark

Hi Rap....

It really frustrates me when people tell you to not complain because so and so has it worse. Well you now what, telling our stories is what this board is for. When we do share our stories we are opening ourselves up to accepting advice from people both good and bad. But I do not think it’s right for someone to say suck it up because someone else has, what they perceive, as a worse situation. And even if it is that doesn’t make your situation any less painful to you. We only know what you are going through by what you tell us. And what may seem like not such a big deal to one person could be a horrendous deal for someone else. There is always going to be someone that has it worse or better, that doesn’t mean you don’t empathize with them or wish you were in that better situation but that doesn’t mean you need to minimize what you are going through.

I have been following yours and NCW situation and I am sorry for what you BOTH are going through. You BOTH are feeling hurt, anger, frustration, and everything else. I am hopeful that you two will be able to meet in the middle and work together in rebuilding your marriage. It’s a rough road, I know, but I believe that you two love each other and will eventually be able to find some common ground, understand what each other is going through and needs and that will be a turning point for you both. I am not sure how to get there and from what I can tell you both still love each other very much, otherwise this wouldn’t be so painful, and that love does count for something!

Hugs,
LJB

Runawaypot, are you and NCW working with a coach?

Thank you for the encouragement 2B. I am sure NCW will appreciate it too.

Just J,

No we are not working with a coach. Is that a counselor from MB? Just curious.

Pam

Sorry, I should have been clearer -- I meant to ask whether you were working with a counselor or coach. MB does call its people coaches, yes, though they're not certified coaches as far as I know -- I believe they all have counseling degrees of one sort or another.

That aside, I would just like to know whether you're working with anyone.

You need to develop a vison for your future RAP. Make a decision about the life you choose to lead, and construct a plan to get to that vison, and stick with it. Any side-trips (like investigating OM's new woman) will not bring you to closer to a happy loving home.

I've long had this hunch about you RAP, that you are pissed off about something else in your life, something not associated with your marriage, OM, or anything else that you bring up here. It seems you are fighting some other inner war and that the battleground only appears to be your marriage, when in fact, the real battle is somewhere else.

In my house, we refer to this type of situation as being "pre-pissed". We've all had situations where we came in the door pre-pissed and acted out ... but this is never going to bring a solution to the situation, only confusion and chaos.

It's just a hunch, but there is a pattern of behavior that I notice that keeps bringing me back to my hunch.

Is this possible, are you pre-pissed?

Pep

Pam, i'm hoping you will check in the RAP topic. Please go read there and post your email address to me. love to you, Karen

RAP: I wanted to share a little bit of information from our trials and tribulations. Hopefully, it may help. Onlywords & I were able to get with a MC about a week after Dday. He was pro Marriage, and as part of our first session, he asked us many questions, trying to determine what had left us vulnerable to the A. We also completed the MB Emotional Needs questionaire and shared with him. At the end of the first session, this counselor gave us "homework."

What was this homework? Well, it was nothing more simple than anytime onlywords talked to me, I had to stop what I was doing and give her my undivided attention (and not interupt). What was her homework? It was more difficult. She had to show affection to me. The first week went better for me than her (or at least it felt like it did to me). You know what was the easiest thing for her to do? Just brush her hand on my back. I think I got a few good bye kisses in the morning before going off to work.

These small displays of affection were huge for me. And the longer time went on, the easier it was for her to do these things for me. And you know what? It made it easier for me to do things for her. (Here's an example, maybe not a good one, but I never hardly ever cook-except maybe for Sunday morning breakfast-eggs/french toast or maybe steaks or burgers once in a great while, but anyway I baked her a birthday cake this week. The first time I've done that in 20 years of marriage.)

baby steps, baby steps

our prayers are with you,
R