Well I had to talk to H this morning regarding the house stuff. We hung up and he called about 20 minutes later and told me that he was calling because he had sent me an email that he had started the D process and that I was going to be served. He said the reason why that hadn't happened yet was because of the storms and that it delayed everything but that he didn't really want to do things that way. That he wanted to work out everything and that is why he had asked about the bills and how I proposed to split them but I had never responded.

I told him that I could not help him in this process, I could not help him in anything that I didn't believe in. he again said about the money situation and how he knows what i've been paying and wants to help me out and work with me, and that he still wants the best for me in the situation etc. that once the house is sold and the truck is paid off i will have all this money. i asked him to please stop talking about what i will have because what i make for a paycheck was never supposed to be just for me it was supposed to be for the both of us. that i preferred not to discuss things because we are both emotionally involved in the situation. that he keeps saying words like fair, within reason, if it's not ridiculous and that the bottome line was that what was those things in his mind was not in my mind. he just said he was sorry but he had to do this and didn't want to have me served. i told him that was his choice.

i said that i keep wondering if he is proud and doesn't have regret and that the things he is sorry about is not what i think your sorry about, that the way i feel about him is not the way he feels about me, etc. he said he wasn't proud of some things but he doesn't feel that way about me and he understands that i won't help him but that he still had to do it and apologized for bothering me.

i told him that i still loved him and believed we could rebuild our marriage but i could not participate willingly in what he was going to do.

so it seems like i can go back to being paranoid again about when i will be served. H still doesn't know that i have moved so i don't know if that will play a part in things. certainly, the server can find out where i live and where i work. i did keep saying "choice" in the conversation, that things were his choice. i was going to try and send some light and funny emails to H since i knew he hadn't filed but now that i know the real reason why he hadn't filed and that he still intends to do that i don't really see the point and will probably just come off that i'm trying to get him back.

i had also really considered doing a plan B letter (more of a goodbye letter really) in light of the fact he hadn't file yet. but now that i know he still intends to do it i don't really see the point in it. who knows i could always change my mind. so that's the latest, doesn't really change a whole lot. but i had kind of thought maybe he was having second thoughts and now that i know differently..............i was even beginning to think maybe he was having problems w/OW. well apparently not and everything is same as usual.

still need to pray for even more clarification from God about what he would have me do.

Hmm...sorry about this rr. I wish I knew what to say.

Oh Roughroad. I'm so sorry to hear about your latest conversation with your H. I think you are handling things as best as you can expect to right now.

I would think that if this was his intention he would have already done it. It seems like he keeps giving reason after reason for not filing. He said he was going to do this weeks ago and yet he still hasn't. That was long before these hurricanes. He can't use that as an excuse.

I'd have trouble saying, "look fella if you're gonna do this then do it and stop talk'n about it. You keep saying you are going to do it and I'm wondering if you aren't doing that to keep me emotionally upset. I would like to make our relationship work. You know that. I'm not going to make divorcing me easy. I'm not doing it to hurt you. I'm doing it because I love you with ever fiber of my being and I know we can survive this. We have too much time and energy invested to just throw in the towel. Weak people quit. Strong people stay and fight."

Ok that's my rant. I want to kick him...in the throat!

Sending you my love and prayers. you might want to say a quick prayer for my anger management!

Hi roughroad...

I am sorry that you are having to go through this. You have a lawyer right? Instead of playing the waiting game of being served, have your lawyer contact his lawyer and have them tell his lawyer to serve to the papers to your lawyer. Does that make sense. I know they do that here a lot. This way your not having to play the waiting game and always wondering if the knock on the door is the guy serving the papers.

I have to agree with HW though, I think he is dragging his feet. At least that is what it seems like. If you can try and get ahold of your lawyer and see if getting the papers couried over to them is an option.

Hugs,
LJB

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">he said he wasn't proud of some things but he doesn't feel that way about me and he understands that i won't help him but that he still had to do it</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Still following feelings, still not showing any sign of having reflected on what he's done to you or what marriage means.

Just like my WW. If they knew what their actions look like to our eyes...

You're doing great, RR. You're in my thoughts.

((((((((((((RR)))))))))))))

Are any of the leaves turning yet down there?

GC

RR,

I've been meaning to send you an email, but things have been so busy here @ work and when I just read your post, I wanted to respond.

I'm so sorry that your H is still playing the same old game with you. Telling you that he has/will file and that you will be served soon etc.

You did very well reiterating your position, telling him that you still love him and that you will not assist in the process of divorce.

I think that in a way, it is his guilt doing this because it would be soooo much easier for him if you were the one to file for D rather than him doing it. At least, subconsciously, he could tell himself that you are the one filed and not him. As crazy as it sounds, I think many WS's actually prefer the BS doing the actual filing of the D.

Stay strong, do not give in to any of his demands. Filing for divorce sux and if he wants it so bad, then he's gonna have to go through the dirty work as well. Keep your lawyer informed and I hope that he's protecting you.

I will say a prayer for you tonight and ask God to give you guidance and strength to deal with all of this stuff that your husband is throwing at you.

This is all so painful and sometimes I do not understand anymore what is wrong with people?

In one of your recent postings you wrote that even though this does not work out, you are certain that you will probably find a man that will not cheat on you. I think this is so true, RR, and I hope that you will never loose your belief and faith in true love. You deserve so much more than this. I just wish you husband would wake up and see for himself. I think part of it could be a pride issue, too. Not wanting to admit that he may have been wrong and clinging onto OW-child. I think that he is going to get hurt in the future, but will you be there to pick up the pieces or will you have moved on...

I also wanted to give you a quick update on me. Things are alright - you know up and down. I'm feeling okay though, keeping busy with work and I will also start school next semester and I've been working out etc. Yesterday my husband told me that OW had contacted him again by phone. They hadn't talked in a while (probably about 4-5 weeks or so). Contact seems to be sporadic now, but she still calls. They talked briefly and he told me the call was about her schooling etc. I didn't cry or LB'd, but I did tell him that it hurts me that she still calls even though she knows that it hurts and bothers me. He cannot make himself tell her to stop contact; this is what I think. My husband is one of those people who want to be liked by everyone. If we were to divorce, he could never handle me not liking him or even hating him. He told me last night that he loves me very much and that he would never want to leave me etc. I just listened, didn't way much. He has been very loving and attentive and we have fun together. I try Plan A as best as I can. My tears have dried and I somewhat have a normal appetite again, even though last night I couldn't really eat because everytime I hear OW's name, it feels like someone stabbed me. The fact is that I'm quite certain that they did not have a physical relationship and he does not think that he actually had an affair. He thinkgs that it was wrong what he did and he has apologized to me for hiding and hurting me, but he does not think that he actually cheated. I told him that emotional betrayal is still betrayal and it hurts just as much, if not more. Just the fact that he told this woman "I love you" shattered my heart into 1000 pieces. So, I just take day by day and try to make the best of it. He seemed worried though that I might be loosing love for him and he suggested last night to find a good counselor. I told him that if he wants to go to counseling again that is fine, but this time I want him to find one and do all the work.

Well, I just wanted to write back and send hugs and prayers to you. Have a nice weekend!

Kati

Maddy, Heroswife, 2B us again, Graycloud, Kati,

Thanks for reading and your words of encouragement. It still means a lot.

2B, just a clarification may be needed. I do have a lawyer that I "retained" the end of august who is a Christian Pro-marriage lawyer and is helping me a lot. However, I cannot be the one to file and my L knows this. bottom-line is that is exactly what my H wants me to do and that would make things easier for him. i don't mind being in limbo if it means that he will have to actually make the decision to file and actually do it because i'm sure that will cause him to pause (even though parobably not that long). the very fact how he kept saying to me that he didn't want to have me served that he didn't want to do that to me is the very epitomy of trying to make things easier on himself. maybe it's just my stubborness but if he wants it then he has got to be the one that follows through. it will be sad but ultimately it will not have much effect on what i'm doing everyday. he has got to feel some consequence for the choices he has made and continues to make.

Kati, sounds very promising about the counseling. maybe your H does sense something and that is what is needed for him to finally grasp how this continued contact affects you and that no matter which way you look at it, his R w/her is an A. keep us posted.

continued prayers to all, RR