nw:

"It has probably been a year or sso ince I last posted. I just kind of gave up and faded away."

You were probably exhausted, as many of us in similar si2ations have been many times on the rollercoaster ride. But giving up was never a viable option, so "gave up and faded away" was a myth, wasn't it? You still had the emotional baggage on your back, as did your XGF. You just tried 2 ignore it.

This reminds me so much of many sitches (my own included in many ways) where either the BS or WS or both try 2 steer a wide path AROUND their troubles rather than sucking it up and going right smack dab THROUGH them, pain and all. And it HURTS, but there's no growth without it.

When either the WS or the BS leaves the other, it often seems "easier" because the painful reminders aren't in your face all the time. But if the problems aren't dealt with adequately, they come back and bite you on the @$$ even2ally:

If you didn't care about your XGF, you wouldn't be bothered by her blame-fest, you'd deflect it. Likewise, if she were truly healed and over you, she wouldn't feel jealous.

11 years is a long time, common-law M or the "real thing." You don't just flip a switch an lose the feelings after that much time. I think that what I'm trying 2 say is that I 2nd TMCM's concern that you stay "casual" with your new GF until you're sure that the old relationship is over, and that you did all you could 2 save it if it was in any way right 2 save.

-ol' 2long

TMCM,

I have been thinking the same thing.

2long,

I recall reading your posts however I'm sorry but do not remember specifics. Your displayed name says a lot. You are absolutly right in many of the things that you said.
I tried and tried and as I said before, just gave up. I could not emotionally handle it anymore. My mother also died around the time I gave up (Jan 04) and my emotions, still raw from this relationship situation just... I cannot even tell you.
Just as several months of nearly no contact passes w/Ex, I'm feeling better about myself, my future, she calls and says the things I previously mentioned and a whole lot more that I did not / do not have time to write. We actually had several hours of phone conversations and she told how much closer she felt to me and how good she felt to talk to me etc..... It sets me back.

How do I know if it's over? Would a ring on her finger from another man, the one she left for be a good indication? I thought so. I thought that I had reached the point of no return and not caring one way or the other. Maybe you never stop caring you just bury it.

NW

nw:

I think it's GOOD that you care about her, but it might not be healthy for you (or your current GF) if you're having 2nd thoughts about the relationship you had with her. Different animals.

Oddly, the name 2long wasn't intended 2 indicate the length of time I've been dealing with this. It's short for "too long history to quit".

I think that, for me 2 truly heal from my W's 12 year A with a coworker, one who shares similar interests in a very narrow scientific field that I don't work in, I need 2 be able 2 acknowledge 2 her that it just MIGHT be possible that her professional relationship with him IS more important than savineg our 30-yr relationship (M'd 28.5 yrs), though the 2 choices are very definitely mu2ally exclusive for me. "What you resist persists" has been said 2 me so many times over the past almost 3 years since D-day that I'm blue from listening and resisting the message. But it's true. I can't get her 2 change her mind about RM, I can only point out that she has the choice 2 make, then let her make it. I hope she chooses our M. But I insist on being "around" while the process continues. If we DV, I want it 2 be a mu2ally agreed-upon conclusion 2 this drama. I don't want 2 feel any resentment 2ward her afterward, and I don't want her 2 resent me either.

-ol' 2long

So.... NW. Can we talk for a minute, here?

Have you thought about looking at this from an ethical standpoint? I mean, I know you've been in terrible pain -- and dear lordy but I appreciate the situation you're in now. It's entirely too similar to my own (except I'm the one who wants to be drinking wine and my WP is the one running in the other direction).

So let's look, here, at the players involved. There's

NW -- moving on, has a new
GF -- who seems to like NW back, but who has
GF's kids -- who may or may not like this new man who's in their lives and who have
GF's kids' dad -- who may or may ont like this new man in his kids' lives.

And there's

XGF -- who is not really moving on and would like a better relationship with you, though she's still involved with
OM -- who has
Two former wives -- with whom he has
Kids of his own.

And there's

NW and XGF's kids -- who still cry because their parents aren't together.

This seems complicated, and yet it's the kind of situation that I hear about over and over and over again as relationships form and dissolve.

So, ethics. By ethics I mean the Dalai Lama's definition: Cause no harm. Have compassion for those around you.

Where's the harm or potential for harm at this point? I mean, sure, everyone in this entire situation has BEEN harmed. All the kids, all the adults, have been through hell and back.

So what can be done to mitigate the harm at this point? What's the best possible situation?

I don't really have answers, here. It's something I've struggled with in a number of coaching situations. I mean, you've got several sets of kids who have developed parental and step-parental relationships with various adults.

Once a child has a parent-child or step-parent-child relationship, it's not okay to break those bonds. It causes harm to the child -- harm that can manifest in a whole lot of anti-social behavior and a whole lot of trauma and grief for everyone.

But could the bonds be strengthened between parents/step-parents and children, while the relationships between adults are made right? Could there be forgiveness? Not just between you and XGF, but between all the different partners and former partners? Is there, in fact, healing available here?

I really don't know, NW -- what do you think? Do you see things that could reduce the harm, create a more compassionate environment for some or all of the people involved, and maybe create a better situation for all these kids?