My other post (Where to go from here?) in this forum is on page 2. Basically, H wanted to move on instantly after I confronted him a week ago today. At that time I said that I would try and move on with him and we both made lists of things that we wanted the other person to do to help with changes in the M.

Anyway, I made a mistake in thinking that I could move on a day after the confrontation. I have not been able to deal with the obsessive thinking and hurt feelings successfully without talking about the A, which he does not want to do. H basically accused me of lying and never following through on the things I say. Ok....

I went to pick him up for lunch today as a sort of apology for nagging him last night. I drove fifteen miles to find a place to eat and when we get there, he says he is not hungry and doesn't care where I eat. He continues to avoid me all the way home, only commenting to say that by not saying anything, then he won't "get in trouble."

I said my piece to him and let him know that I'm sorry I told him I could move on without working through my feelings about the A. I have met with my counselor, my psychiatrist, and have read "Surviving Infidelity." All three things were very helpful and I am now seeing things clearer. It may be too late for him though. He is suddenly convinced that because I had a setback in my behavior due to discovering the affair, that I am never going to change.

Before I dropped him off at work I told him that I still loved him and we both have fears of being let down again in this relationship. I asked him to let me know what he wants to do. If he wants a divorce, I will give him one if it makes him happy. If he wants to continue to work on this marriage, then I will continue to work through my feelings about the A, trying not to LB in the process.

So, at this point, he is upset with me, I am still upset with him, we are doing major LBs and I don't know if he fully realizes how the A affected me. He placed the blame on me for not "being there" for him for all 8 years of our marriage.

I left the decision to divorce or stay up to him. Any hope for us?

Wish I could help with more than what I "just" think.

But no, your H won't acknowledge the pain he caused you. Acknowledging that pain would (for any decent man or woman) cause feelings of guilt and pain themselves. He will insulate himself from these feelings by blaming it on you, etc.

JMHO

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Originally posted by jayla:

I asked him to let me know what he wants to do. If he wants a divorce, I will give him one if it makes him happy.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">PLEASE do not say things like this... for a few reasons

~I doubt a divorce would make him happy
~I doubt you would grant him the divorce *snap finger* just like that because you are obviously very much in love with him
~It makes you sound wobbly in your conviction to fight for your marriage
~It violates a very important MB-ism ---> POJA, policy of joint agreement.... never agree to something that will make you miserable!!!!
~It teaches the kids a bad lesson, surrender the marriage vows without a struggle

NOW ---> imagine you had said this to him:

"You may not realize how much I love you and how much I am prepared to do to in order to fight for our marriage and the survival of our family ---> so let me enlighten you ---> I am going to fight for "us" , and my hope and my prayer is that YOU join me in this struggle. Let's roll up our sleeves and get this marriage back on track!"

Pep

if your question is will your husband ever understand what he did to you i would say i don't know.

if your question is can a WS ever understand what they did to a BS the answer is a definate YES!!!!

i have seen what i have done to my wife and family and wish i could wash it all away. i feel as if i'm in a nightmare that i can't wake from. I would give everything i have, or ever will to turn back time.

I think your H will come to the point that he knows he hurt you. Will he ever realize how deeply? Who knows. My WH knows he hurt me bad and his guilt of dealing with that is part of the reason we can't seem to move forward right now. One of the things he has said to me when we were talking about if he would ever come home was, "How do I know that I won't hurt you again?" Obviously fog speak, since having an A is a choice not something that just happens.

Thank you all for the replies. It seems at the moment that things won't get better and I want to throw in the towel. That was basically the reason I told him to decide whether he wants to be married anymore, I am so tired of arguing. I feel like I am the one who is in the wrong because I have to justify everything I say to him. We are really not communicating well right now.

Pep, I wish I had the words you wrote when we were talking. It is hard to convey that I want to work things out when he appears to want to just gloss over the whole thing and jump back into where we were two weeks ago. We were doing really well.

I assume he will stay late at work tonight to get things done and of course, avoid seeing/talking to me. I'll see how things go when he does come home and take it from there I guess.

I assume he will stay late at work tonight to get things done and of course, avoid seeing/talking to me. I'll see how things go when he does come home and take it from there I guess.

I assume you will bake him something delicious that you know he likes, and offer that he can eat it off your belly if he cares to... with whipped cream! Wait up for him, and have something nice waiting... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

That's Plan A my dear.

Love him at the stomach level, and work your way down from there <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Pep

Thanks for the wise words Pep. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />