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ww just told me that she was spending the night at her sisters...
- she says that she needs to be around people that love her and talk to her. I told her that your not letting me talk to you.
- she says that every time we talk its a fight..how can that be if we dont talk..see statement above.
- She made it a point to tell me that she is just staying at her sisters?...yeah ok.
- she is tired of feeling alone. and i told her so am i. She then said you dont like it right? she said apparently i dont feel the same as she because im not doing anything about it (like file for D). I simply told her that i dont react the way she does and dont do the things she does.
(trying to detach....but it hurts so bad)
- I asked her what time she was leaving and told her to be careful. She said that she was going to be ok. I told her i know your going to be ok...just be careful.
Does she want me to stop her? Does she want me to beg her not to go....? I suspect that she now feels justified in telling me that she was spending the night out.
why did she make it a point to tell me that she was not spending the night with OM? Why does she want me to know this....she brought it up not me...
Is this really fog or am i just hoping its fog?
<small>[ October 01, 2004, 04:15 PM: Message edited by: Just a Husband ]</small>
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Sorry for your pain and confusion. Part of detachment is trying not to read too much into every little nuance of your interaction with her. Pull back a bit, and avoid smothering her. It will push her away.
Others will probably offer more and better advice.
SD
<small>[ October 01, 2004, 04:16 PM: Message edited by: shattered dreams ]</small>
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i guess part of plan A is for me to sit and take this $hit......im angry but im not showing it....im venting here....
I am smart enough to recognize that this is a passive aggresive move to try and get me to do somehting (like file for D).....
i know hte weekends are slow here but i need some help.
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I dunno....is she still in contact with OM? Can you check up on her at her sisters? I have a REALLY hard time being passive when the WS keep hanging on to the A AND the BS.
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Well... in my fertile imagination.... I see this...
wife informs you of her spending the nite with her sis.... (probably a fib in one way or another)
YOU gently touch her face,smile, look her straight in her eyes, and softly whisper... "I adore you. Please return home to me all in one piece. Be safe."... kiss her on the mouth.... end of conversation.... walk away. (go have a beer)
THAT WAY... if she is going for a tryst with OM, she has MORE guilt to carry in her purse than she has after the mildly confrontational episode like the one you described.
Pep
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She is expecting me to check....i believe she wants me to check so that she can then say...see you dont trust me......
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Are you at home babysitting?
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pep
good one....
ill let you know how it goes.
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pep....
i guess i am babysitting....but im not going to think of it in that way...Instead i have a free night of non-anxiety with my children.
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I wish I had some sage words of advice but I feel the same way sometimes and don't know what to do. You get in those situations where you feel like you are being tested and acting the wrong way is really gonna F things up. It's probably a no win situation. Whether you stop her and beg her to stay or let her go with a smile and a wave it will probably be taken as the wrong action. I would continue with the plan A and don't let her actions force you to file. I deal with the same sh*t all the time and I never know what to do. I guess a consistant plan A is the key.
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Try and find as many substitute words as you can for "I love you"
I adore you
You are a delight
You are delicious
I could kiss you right now
You smell like morning rain
Your hair shines so much
I see you and i feel weak in the knees....
and instead of puting her on the defensive (when you suspect she is going off to be bad) ... put her mind to wondering what's gotten in to you ... why are YOU so happy, so expressive, so complimentary... resist all desire to be logical and reasonable... and be crazy romantic without stating the usual ILY....
Just a suggestion, I know women. This will peak her curiosity, especially if you are doing this consistently.
Pep
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JAH, Plan A isn;t about taking sh1t. Its about REALIZING that you can;t do a DAMN THING to stop teh affair directly, but you CAN acelerate its end while you prepare to catch your WW when she falls out of the fog cloud.
You MUST work on detaching yourself like it is a muscle. Every word, every deed will kill you otherwise.
The Wife you love is tucked inside that spitting, snarling thing right now just as surely as if she;d been eaten whole by some alien beast.
This isn't bullsh1t, its FACT.
You cannot get much through to her past the spite right now so you must concentrate of being CONSISTENTLY WHAT YOUR WW NEEDS.
I agree with pep here.When My FWW stormed out for the night to a karate competition , I was well dressed, clean shaven , smelling nice , looked deep in her eyes and said "I would be SO happy if you were staying here to work on our M, but I love you , and I pray God brings you safely back to me tomorrow" then kissed her a lingering soft kiss on the cheek.
Then , I went to set up my Son's train track.
My FWW has since said that it deflated her need for me to beg her to stay, or to cause a fight with her.
Ignore everything she says, stufy everything she DOES and take cues to make yourself the best JaH you can be.
ALWAYS look and smell good, do stuff round the house, whistle while you do it. Dress to impress when you go for an evening out.
Be a catch any woman would want, imagine who you will affect the woman you are DOING IT for !
Regarding the lying, I just implemented a radical Honesty policy unilaterally.
No sneaking, all teh evidence of my sneaking presented, whenever OMs GF would call I told her, I told her when I was going out, who with, where, I gave her my Cell and PC passords...everything.
After a very short while tis utterly disarmed her and showed up her lies for what they were.
be strong, study MB. detach.
{{{jah}}}
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pep
wow....thats a hard one.....
i nderstand the concept to put her off balance.
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Just
Part of the MO of the WS is to provoke and test you, hoping to force you into angry, emotional (negative) responses. This allows them to justify the Affair. You see, you are the (re-written history) person whose "never really been there for them", who "doesn't understand" them, who "isn't really there" for them.
Use unemotional responses that are non-judgemental, and even somewhat indifferent when you are engaged with her. Be so pleasant that she wonders what has come over you. "Kill her with Kindness". Absolutely non-confrontational. No Selfish Demands, No Angry Outbursts, no Disrespectful Judgements.
Go have fun with the kids, and don't sweat the little stuff.
SD
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Just a Husband: <strong> pep.... i guess i am babysitting....but im not going to think of it in that way...Instead i have a free night of non-anxiety with my children. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">ah-ha! I thought so... OK.... so depending what the kid's ages are.... I suggest you and the kiddies go off and do something UNexpected... without informing WW what's up. For example, take the kids to a local motel (kids LOVE motels, even cheap ones) and do games, swim if there is an indoor pool or a spa, bring in pizza, popcorn, s'mores, pop, poker, and have a picnic-camp-out-party-game-nite.... but NOT at home!!!! Leave your WW a small (tiny) note at home... "Decided to go out with the kids. Please don't worry about us. We're having a great time. We'll be back home before dark tomorrow. You're the BEST! Many thanks for letting me take the kids tonight. We'll miss you." Leave your cell phone OFF.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Pep <small>[ October 01, 2004, 04:35 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>
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JaH its not to put WW off balance ! Its to snap her into truly LOOKING at the real YOU !
The confident, loving, caring JaH that OM could never match even if you gave him lessons !
I used all the euphemisms for 'I love you'. !
It works ! FWW thought I'd got another woman !
Its about LIVING the talk, make yourself the caring, confident catch you will appear to be.
Only use ones you believe BTW. I didn;t use I admire you because when she was making our kids cry through spite, frankly, I didn;t.
I care, You lift me, you are fascinating etc. Use only real ones you mean
<small>[ October 01, 2004, 04:37 PM: Message edited by: Bob Pure ]</small>
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wow...you guys are good.....thanks...keep it coming ...i have about 1/2 hour before she leaves.
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Justa-H... (my new name for you, like it?) be sure to look at my last post on page 1....
Bob... I was the one who said to get her off balance... and this is why...Justa-H's WW thinks she is running the show, and thinks she is soooo in control of him... I don't think she will pay attention to Justa-H until she feels off balance. She feels no crisis right now, hence not motivated to take a look at her H.
Bob, I don't know a politically correct way to say this... but here goes... the death of OM's son was a huge motivation for OM to end the affair with your wife... and without that unfortunate and tragic event, you might still be looking at a much longer affair, and a longer Plan A.
Pep
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just did it.
I grabbed her buy the back of the head and laid one on her kisser and told her i adore her and to have fun and be home safe...she snickered
she said that she is not going to call me that i should call her.... dont know why?...
whats up with that
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