Well now that I really no longer consider myself in Recovery I think I will quit posting over there for now.

Since I found out contact was made last month and I am sickened about it. H feels I guess nothing is wrong with what he has done. Today he just fixed the washing machine and went about his business. I also see that he changed his address to our house today. Too bad he didn't understand my words yesterday when I said I don't think this is going to work.

I went to IC today and didn't hear great things whilst I was there. My IC seems to think that H has sexual addiction problems, maybe even having phone sex with OW.

I am thinking I have done the long haul and me and the kids deserve better than this. I am going to ask him tomorrow if he mailed in that address change card yet. I know he will say yes, I will say thats too bad. He will say why and I will say because this just isn't working. I know everyone here is in pain just as I am. It is sad really sad that we all have to be going through this.

I just think that one year later I should be off on a wonderful carribean island with a nice man who loves me, that I can love back instead of sitting here wondering where I have gone so wrong. I am going to ask for a divorce, put the house up for sale, and move on with my life.

HINY

I'm so sorry for you... I'm having a bad day too!

Thanks for caring SISF, I am sorry you are having a bad day also. This whole mess sucks.

HINY

Hi HINY,

I'm sorry you aren't doing so well today.I have been following your posts but decided to keep quiet and just see how things went for you.So your counselor thinks he has a sexual addiction huh? I hadn't heard that before in your posts or,maybe I missed it.

Do you think he has had phone contact more than that one time and especially phone sex too with the OW? By now I thought she was long gone after your altercation with the both of them that one fine day.

I thought you were doing ok too when I read about the wedding.

Well,I don't have any words of wisdom,just thinking about you.I hope this issue can be worked out if that's what you want.

Take care.

O

Sheesh, I thought you were doing so well. I hate to see you give up now after all of the things you've been through.

Does your counselor think he can be treated for sexual addiction?

She didn't say if he could be treated. She just said that it would be best if we separated for now. He called OW 4 times in June, 3 times in July and once in Aug.

I honestly have nothing left to give. It is that simple. The only way I can explain it is like if you walk in the woods and you see a hollow log laying down on its side, I mean one that is empty all the way through. That is the way I feel. Empty. I don't have enough energy to work on it anymore.

HINY

Gosh, I certainly know the feeling. But your husband is tapering off contact. Hmmmmmm, I don't know what to tell you.

HINY

You are breaking my heart, darling. Please don't do anything rash right now. I'll bet it feels like d-day again, that is so so unfair.

How about trying another Plan B, or do you feel strong enough for Plan A for awhile?

I know believer. I know.

I gave my boundaries when he came home. NC was sooo stressed. He read HN/HN. We were supposed to be writing a NC letter when he was done with the book. He took her out of his cell phone. She moved but I am sure she took the number with her. I think she has a new boyfriend. It has really tapered off. It has gone from 105 minutes, down to 28 in Aug.

I just feel so out of it anymore. Like I can't do this. Like I can't go on. I feel so stupid waiting for him to end his contact with another woman. I really thought we were doing soo great. He said the other day, I thought we were doing good. But then I went to IC and she said that it was like baking a cake, and part of the cake comes up when you try to frost it, so you just frost over the spot some more. We have never talked about why the A happened. In fact we have not talked about a darn thing. He just came home, I said IC and read the book. He did both. I assumed contact was done. I would have never known had I not gotten a new cell phone and entered the account into the internet. It shows you all the calls made. He sat right here while I did it too. I guess he didnt think that you could itemize the calls or something. He knows nothing about the internet.

The thing is some of the calls had to be made from the downstairs bathroom after he got home from work. Probably while he was pooping.....LOL that's fitting eh? PEP would love that. In fact she would have a hay day with it. Talking to OW while pooping. Humor!

Anyway feeling as low as they can go. It doesn't get any lower than this. He never calls me. He never thinks about me like he did/does her. I am sick of trying to be special to him. I am never going to be.

HINY

Rest up, hon, and think this over. Your husband is making some effort, and may still be in withdrawal. But his feelings can come back for you.

I know it is a huge disappointment, but I think you can do this some more. I did it for 21 months, with no results. So I would hate for you to give up now.

Why don't you just take a break for awhile, and do nothing?

Thanks Believer. I think I will do just that. I am not going to Plan A or kiss butt....LOL or anything. I am just going to take care of me and my kids for a few days.

I am going to take a break. A well deserved break. I have worked very hard to get where I am. Sometimes I make rash decisions. SS was riding me last night about that. It is hard you know.

I don't know how you have done it. I think you have done great. Hope your D is final soon. You deserve to be happy. I feel so bad for LostnHurt. All this time and still in the rut. I feel like I am there with her again.

I guess if I step back and look things are getting better. But it is so tiring. Thanks for being there for me.

HINY

Well, the only way I have made it is with the help of the Lord, and this board.

I think you do need a rest. Don't do anything, don't discuss relationship with husband. Take a break, and take care of you. There is no hurry, and you sound like you are worn out.

HINY,

So sorry to see you over here and not on recovery. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

You are one strong woman! Much stronger than I am. And much better at following the MB concepts, as evidenced by where you've been posting vs. where I do most of mine now (over on D/D).

My advice may not be worth much since I'm heading the D-route. But here goes...

I really do think your recovery sounds promising. I wouldn't take renewed or continued contact lightly, but it really does sound like your WH is tapering off. The calls have decreased in amount and in length. Granted, each time he messes up, he needs to immediately be honest with you. And it darned well better quit happening very soon. But I'm not sure all is lost yet.

I know you have to be tired of all this. But you've worked so hard to get to this point. Could you muster the strength to give him another month or two to see if he finally gets the real meaning of N/C?

Either way, whatever you choose, I think you've done a great job this year. I wish I had your strength.

LL

HINY, I just read this thread. First off, with all due respect to your therapist, I can't believe she told you your H is a sex addict. Did you tell her something specific to indicate that he was a sex addict or was having phone sex with OW? I'm sorry, but that hit me very wrong. Also, a therapist should never give advice such as suggesting separation, unless a person is in real danger. It would be fine if she went over all of the choices you have and allowed you to look at each one. But she should not be suggesting one. This is your journey and you ultimately need to decide your path, not her.

Listen, if you genuinely determine you can't go on any more in this M, then you have my full support to move on. All I can tell you once again is that my H had a god-awful time with withdrawal. He had the little OW princess on a friggin pedestal. This morning he spontaneously started talking about her. He is now remembering things that she said and did. He is seeing her as the calculating "B" she is. And I know he is looking at his life and seeing how close he came to losing it.

You know during the height of my H's withdrawal when I would get so frustrated by his pining I would just tell him "Go, follow your bliss with OW." It's so funny because he didn't even want to go, but I couldn't stand him missing that witch. It just didn't seem worth it. Sometimes it still doesn't seem worth it. But I'm not ready to throw in the towel yet because he does keep giving more and more.

I want to caution you about "all or nothing" thinking. It is going to take a while for your H to come back to you emotionally. HINY, think about what you've been writing on here. How positive your posts have been. Don't throw in the towel yet. I don't want you to have any regrets. What maybe needs to start happening is for your H to begin kicking in in some way. I wrote to CN yesterday what Shirley Glass said about As. That in an A the door is put up with the S, and a window is opened for the OP. Your H has to start letting you in by opening that window. He needs to let you know where he is at emotionally. Maybe if he can feel safe doing that he'll stop hiding things from you.

This is what Steve told us needs to happen for recovery. Maybe it will help you and your H figure out if you can do this.
1) Your H has to understand how he failed to protect his weaknesses, because that is a big reason As happen. In my H's case he didn't protect them or even know what they were.
2)You both at some point will need to talk about the A, in Steve's words "To clean out the wound".
3) At some point your H will need to tell you as best that he can how his A hurt you. Maybe he can't even face that now.
4) At some point your H has to convince you that you are safe and this will never happen again.

You have every right to have discussions with your H. He had this A and now he must face the consequences. In the same token, as much as I've hated this part, we BSs can't make them get over their feelings for the OP and regain their feelings for us on our timetable. That sucks!

Hope some of this helps and wasn't too preachy. You have just worked so hard. Try to get your H to talk in a calm way. If he continues to shut you out then you can choose to say adios. CV

Awwww HopefuliNY

I'm very sorry to read this news from you. I don't know why your therapist suggested your H might be a SA, but in any case, try to figure that out, since as you know, MB doesn't work with addicitions or so they say the experts. You will only be "fighting" against a wall unless, he decides to work on his issues too.

I'm not going to tell you all the "bad" stuff I passed over the early stages of my recovery, but after 3 months that my H came home, I was ready to give up again, it was blow after blow, and I couldn't stand it anymore. So I shut myself down, and did NOTHING. No plan A, no plan B, just be.

At the time there were a lot of things going on with me, besides H, and I couldn't juggle with all the balls. So maybe, my nest advice would be to do the same, NOTHING. And just be for a while.

I don't know what clicked on my H, but one day he just started to be the man I felt in love with and better!.

To tell you the truth, I'm still a bit afraid, since I believe that God changed me, but I still have to look at God entering into my H's life. I'm not into a cult or anything, but for sure I do believe that if you follow a spiritual path, that is the way to go, besides MB.

So HopefuliNY, why don't you just take a break? let's sy about a month, and later you choose what to do? You never know right? Give it some time.
I totally understand if you decide not to, there is only so much one can stand, but if you feel like you can just be for a while, give it a go.

Praying for you

You ladies are great! I do need a break. I am going to take one. If I had enough money I would take another mini holiday with myself like I did in the spring. That really got him thinking back then.

I wrote him a letter and told him the things I was certain I didn't want in my life (like PEPs thread) and certain I did want. Then at the end I told him that this story is over that I wanted a divorce. But I never gave it to him. He didn't get home until 6 am because he was working overtime as we are so far behind from all this crappola.

Anyway I am going to step back a few steps. I am going to quit trying so hard. I am going to give myself some space. I feel angry about this new news. I feel abandoned and embarrassed and I have decided that I need to think a while by myself.

LL you have changed so much since we first met on this board. You have gotten so much stronger. You are going to be fine after your D. I can already tell you will have no problems meeting Mr. Right. You are like a flame that someone has put gas on. You keep on keeping on. Thanks for replying.

CV the my therapist talks to his, they work in the same building for the same people. So when she said I am just going to throw this out there she looked at me like Yeah right. But anyway I think that is something that her and his therapist might have talked about. The fact that OW is so fat and ugly (not kidding either) I think that is what the whole A was about. I haven't noticed anything different about him sexually. But he did ask me to do something that I was a little shocked about. I simply said no thank you. Then I wondered if they did that? EWwwwww! Anyway I can't hardly think about that right now. I am very emotional right now as I got my . a couple of days ago <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> and that doesn't help with all the emotions. Also my IC has told me all along that he shouldn't be living here during our recovery because she feels that we are living in fantasy land and covering up all the bad stuff. She said we have had a very bad accident and it is going to take a while to recover before we can walk again. I think she knew he was going to throw some salt in my wounds a few times. Thanks for supporting me as usual hon!

Matilde,

I am going to take a break like I said. I am going to do just nothing. The problem is I feel like a zombie just like Dday. I just sit around cant muster enough energy to smile. I just want to sleep and lay around all day. I feel like such a lousy mother. My kids talk to me and I can't even hear them. I am always thinking about other things while they are talking. I don't know how to answer their questions because I don't understand what they are saying. My therapist says my body is in overdrive now. I have had the crappiest life and I know that I am going to end up in the nuthouse when I am old. I hope they still want to come and visit me. I am going to wait a month and do nothing but gather strength again. Thanks for caring.

Believer as always you are right!

Waid how ya doing girlie? Did he sleep in that car?


HINY

HINY

I'm glad you're calmer, and formulating a new plan. Can you guys POJA anything?

I never called him Thurday night and he left me a message saying he was sorry and he fell asleep. He was obviously not in his car. I am totally not surprised. And he still wants me to keep my hopes up? I'm staying dark where I belong!

WAID

Are you surprised he wasn't there? I am not. They always make promises they can't keep when they are in the fog.

Yes I am not doing anything rash at this moment. I always freak out at the height of anxiety. Something me and my IC have been working on. Doesn't seem to be working though....LOL. Xanax works good though.

HINY

HINY- I'm new to this board but have been on the same roller coaster ride for a almost a year & a half. I saw your last post on In Recovery & identify so strongly with the feelings you describe. Like you each time we bottom out I've found myself more & more drained. From what I can tell my WH hasn't been contacting the OW, but she called him Aug. 4th. Instead of following the no contact agreement we reached in Feb he didn't terminate the conversation. My description of that is on In Recovery vein. I was feeling like you were yesterday- on empty & ready to chuck it all. Like others here I think things do happen for a purpose. Among the replies I received Daisy 37's struck a chord that brought a source of peace & strength to me. With kids around you it's hard to get time & space to just sit & let your mind settle. Do you have a friend that could watch the kids for awhile? My favorite "get-away" is a quiet park or some other beautiful quiet place to commune with nature. I find by just letting myself relax in the beauty of it my thoughts settle & are much clearer. In the midst of the hustle & bustle I can't hear myself. Know that in this time when your emotional reserves are so very low, that this group is sending their strength & love to help you through.

My heart hurts for you HINY. I think I'm with the others. Just rest.... don't do anything yet. Let it rest. Then regroup.

BTW... the pooping thing was hilarous. I know it's kind of macabre... but it is still funny. Can you imagine being OP and the WS calls you while he/she is pooping!?

If it is any consolation, you H gives you more quality time than that!!!!!!!!!!

Hugs.

I'm praying for you, girl!

<small>[ October 02, 2004, 12:45 PM: Message edited by: Heidi C ]</small>