Yesterday aftrnoon and evening were at both ends of the spectrum.

I did indeed begin drinking after the incident in above post. Stupid of me, as it's such a sore point for H. I had two glasses of wine at lunch, then napped for 2 hours til 5:30. felt like I'd slept it off and was looking forward to a romantic Saturday evening, had another glass and began reading here.

H came in, disapproving and said as much. In fact, told me that just like my requirements for us to stay together (NC, NC letter, Open life), I had to admit I'm an alcoholic and quit or he'd go.

That began it all. It escellated to a super LB, with me telling him she can have him back, I'll help you find a place to stay - no, you won't need that will you? He said he'd sleep in the van, I stomped about and got the blankets and pillows for him.

He left, finally, after I'd threatened to go too and he'd hidden my purse and keys from me. (Smart move on his part - good to keep me off the roads at that point!) As he left, he said he was tired of it all, tired of my drinking, tired of OW, tired of the mess he'd made of our finances and the company and he just wanted to drive off the Skyway bridge.

At first, I was glad he was gone. Then panicked - would he actually do it?!!

Started calling his phone - no answer.

So, called my daughter and gave her the short version and asked that she call. She did, it worked. she came over to my house, despite the fact that she was hosting a party and talked him back.

I apologized this morning. Many Mean things said and I do regret mine. He didn't admit his, and probably thinks I don't remember them, but I do.

I'd be a lot happier DOING something together, bonding. As it were, but he's content to 'veg'.

We need to do some serious brainstorming for activities to do togther other than TV or SF!

Please wish us luck and good new habits.

No Wine Tonight.

<small>[ October 25, 2004, 10:23 AM: Message edited by: restarting ]</small>

update;
10/24:After Sat night, I was sure I'd have to go. (and plB) Why me go? bc I'm tired of supporting the family and all of our obligations by myself. If I let him leave, it'd be difficult for him to support both him and OW, but it can be done. If I leave, he get's to see better the scope of responsibility of keeping the house and Son.

Sunday: I started the morning with determination to Pl A, but things were still not right from previous evening and the morning. The 'things said' during the fight were not nice from either of us. I only asked that he not use a mutual friend of OW for his helper, that it made me uncomfortable, no matter how nice or useful he is. This guy’s GF hangs out with OW, so you see the discomfort? That evening, I had to ask to see the phone. He jumped up agreeably and got it. But he wouldn’t let me look at it myself. He did the scrolling.

Monday, I was determined to plan A well, the anxiety notwhithstanding. But as H left for work, something was nagging at my gut...

I woke early, altho not due into work until 11. H asked several times if I were OK and where I was going and why dressed and made up so soon. I looked here at MB, looked to see if cell phone bill had updated. H looked at laptop and noticed the internet address. He followed me about and asked what I planned. He protested.

Said he'd shown it to me, I barely shook my head no. He was agitated, but insisted he'd done as requested. I mentioned that calls received prior to 5:30 or 6pm had been erased, and he very innocently exclaimed he didn't know how that happened. "something doesn't go here," I said, in a sadly resigned tone. Finally he admitted he had called OW again Sunday. He leaves for work.

He left at 6:30.He was angry. I was still nagged by the feeling. I dressed quickly and left the house. I kept thinking, as I'm driving, "if he's lying, what do I have anyway? I ended up parked outside the place she was staying, to wait and see if he was going to stop by.

While waiting (staking out), we'd call one another. He asked why I was acting the way I was. I told him that He should want to prove I can trust him, not resent it. He finally admitted that he'd held the phone so he could quickly scan and I’d miss that he had called her after promising not to. Then he said he’d call her and end it. He called back and said, “well that’s over. And I’m over her. You know, the only thing she asked me was ‘that’s it? You’re going to called me at 8:30 in the morning and leave me with no money to pay for my hotel?1! Have a good life! And hung up.”

Then he confessed that he had called her Saturday night and she’d shown no concern for anything he was going through, but a lot of concern about her need for money.

He had another good day. He is chipper thru-out the day. Everything’s going so well for him! But the nagging doubts remain. I’m a nervous wreck driving to work. I can’t take this much longer.

Tues: Wednesday: I woke at 4:30 am, unable to sleep – actually I jumped out of sleep with the thought that something is wrong. Thought about posting my doubts here, read others' posts instead. Still couldn’t get the peace I sought. H woke at 6am. 30 minutes of truce.

The nagging feeling won't stop. I call him intermittantly (30-45min apart). I decide to drive past the hotel where she stays and just see. Nothing.

I waited at the place until the very last moment I could and still get to work on time. I chatted with H on the way, but got caught lying about where I was. At first, I tried to cover, then within seconds decided to tell the truth. Where I was, and what I’d been doing. He got very angry. Later, he apologized and said he will earn my trust.

H gets what appears to be a wonderful offer from a company for some prosperous sub-work.

Later in the day, he called to let me know he’d recommended OW’s friend for work at a co he subs for. He also told me so I’d know why that person’s number was in his phone. I was so pleaed at his efforts.

That night, phone was offered. Pleasant enough evening just the same.

Wednesday: Calls to let me know they had expected him to work for far less than he thought. Aslo told me they tried to put OW’s friend with him as his helper. He had a long trip ahead to repair a unit valve 2 hours away. While on way, his van breaks down at 5:30. I arrange for towing and wait for him to take him home. He arrives at my work at 11pm with van and tow truck. Home by 12:15.

Thurs: Co that subs offers for him to borrow an old work van and he comes to my workplace to move things. He is distressed at the turn of events. I give him his new phone. Nextel. The job takes longer than he expected and he has an overdue check for payment to pick up that evening. I am working the evening shift, and won’t be able to leave for home until 8pm (hr drive).

Nextel has a tracking feature I used last night. MY heart fell the very first time I got it to work. He was right outside the hotel she stays at.

I call and ask what he’s doing in a conversational tone. He says he is at customer’s home waiting for him to arrive.

I asked why he would lie to me. I inferred I knew because I know. He asked what the turn was about. You’re there, and I know. How? HOW?! He asks. I just do. How do you feel about lying to me? I’m not. I’m NOT.

Anyway, he ends up at the payee’s place and picks up check. Calls me on our ways home and says “I’ll keep this phone at my side no matter what!” I am touched. He figured it out and still will keep it with him. He also admitted to having hoped to check up on her – see if she’s “working” or using or whatever – he worries about her. I told him that hurts, and he apologized.

A pleasant evening after.

Sorry about the length. I’ll get here more often and less timidly.

oops

<small>[ October 29, 2004, 02:08 PM: Message edited by: restarting ]</small>

tonight I asked him why he'd spent time with OWs mother thurs. He got agitated - I'm guessing that means guilt. Told me he doen't care for the electronic monitoring and that he'll probabley just throw it out the window. (Nextel.) I said OK.

I didn't mean "OK I won't do it." I just meant I understood.

I DO understand. But one doesn't hide when there is nothing to hide. One doesn't get angry when there's nothing to hide.

<small>[ October 31, 2004, 04:46 AM: Message edited by: restarting ]</small>

Wow, your story blows my mind. I feel most sorry for your children who are caught up in the drama of your husband and you. My God, what a life this must be for you. Checking cell phones, stalking hotels......I am sorry you are going through this. I hope your husband is worth this. Good luck.

LM: honestly, I begin to wonder... is this the man I married? No, it is not. I did not marry a man who lies like this.

However, I do see him trying to change back. The only quetion is, is this the man I married, or the guy who fools me? I don't know anymore.

I just don't know.

And it is just not very important to him anymore, it seems.

There was a man I married. There was a man I fell in love with. Where is this man? They are not the same man. What happened? Was I just always a fool? Did I think he was more than I thought? I really thought he was deep. I relly thought he was thoughtful. I really thought he was 'the one.'.

What do I do?

He's not who I thought he was. Was I wrong? Was he ever that guy? Will that guy ever come back?

I don't know.

I don't know amything I thought I knew.

I was wrong about everything I thought. I don't know what to think anymore.

I'm really not alone, am I?

So many of us thought we knew our Ss, and were wrong.

That's why I like this place.

I feel alone.

But I'm not.

Thanks LM, you made my night.

Just for being there.

<small>[ October 31, 2004, 05:05 AM: Message edited by: restarting ]</small>

took several hours of WALLOWING (perhaps, really, it's been weeks)then BAM! the revelation hits me: I'm not the woman H married, either!

I used to cook every night. I used to read for fun. I used to garden. I used to play games and cards. I used to sew and crochet and knit. I used to draw and paint. I used to sing and listen to music.

Where did the original me go?????

Now, I work and watch TV (or come here)

Let's be fair. I'm not who I was and who I want to be. I'm just so busy being hurt, I have been looking at that. Thought I was working on myself, but not very effectively.

I think I'm about to hit the 'acceptance' phase, maybe.

It sounds like you must become the attractive woman you were before. Letting yourself go [spiritually speaking] is a sign of not loving yourself and if you don't love yourself, how can you expect your WH to love you?

TMCM- Sage advice.

Yes, spirituality is the key, I know. I temporarily lost my faith recently, but I believe God is still there for me. I just wasn't looking.

It's interesting that you noticed that you have changed, too. Whether you regain yourself to win back your husband or more inportantly, find yourself for yourself, you will be better off. Don't lose faith in God, as he is always there for support and guidance. You probably had a close relationship with God in the past, and by finding yourself both emotionally and spiritually, you will find a wholeness you have been lacking, whether or not your marriage survives. At least you will know yourself and give your WH a chance to see the real you again.

So much of what you have been doing is to alter yourself with the hope of saving your marriage. Focus on you for you and the benefits will be many fold. When you lack the strength yourself, find your strength in God.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> There was a man I married. There was a man I fell in love with. Where is this man? They are not the same man. What happened? Was I just always a fool? Did I think he was more than I thought? I really thought he was deep. I relly thought he was thoughtful. I really thought he was 'the one.'.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is exactly how I feel about my WH. The man I've been living with for the past few years or so is not the man I married. The man I've been living with is an extremely good liar, so good and convincing that it's scary. This is NOT who I married. I don't know if the man I married would ever come back. I'm not taking that chance. I've decided that D is the right thing for us. I'll never be able to trust him again. It's not just the A. This is the first/only A I found out about. I'm sure there were others. There are a lot of other things that play into this decision too.

I was discussing the topic of affairs the other night with some friends, and one said that you may forgive the affair, but you will never forget. Since he knows you will never forget, but you will forgive, he may feel that he could have another affair and the same thing would happen. If you think you can live with not forgetting, then maybe you should try with the marriage. But if you will always remember and lose part of yourself by forgiving, is it worth it?

Someone once said, if I went to college to become a doctor, I would be forty some years old when I graduated. But then again, you would be forty years old anyway. Same goes with your marriage. You may have spent twenty some years in the marriage and you don't want to lose your time, but you are in the same position anyway. Do you really want to think back to this time in your life and wonder what might have happened if you had taken a different route? All things happen for a reason, we just need to figure out what the reason is.

SWC and SW, thanks so much for the thoughts. I just wonder, too, if he will ever chnage back. I wonder if we are lost.