It's been almost 8 months since DD and I feel like I am living my life in limbo. Upon discovery, my WH moved out to be with OW. After 3 weeks he came back. It was a relief to have him back.

However, since returning, he has never made a move towards me. Initially, I stroked him and cuddled him but he has never turned to me. Sex is non-existent. It was always me who initiated before his A so I understand that I play a particular role in our relationship. I ache for him to turn to me. Even if he can't perform (an exisiting problem) just to be held and touched would be nice.

Any conversation regarding the A is always started by me. I don't bring it up often but he is a terrible communicator (always has been). We don't scream and shout but he makes me feel so frustrated. I asked him last week if he feels he doesn't know HOW to make it up to me or if he doesn't WANT to make it up. His reply was "it's a bit of both"!

Upon discovery, I asked a few things of him. One was that his mobile phone was left out. If OW called and pestered, we would deal with it together. To this date, the phone remains in his trouser pocket and whenever I check, all history is deleted. Seems to me like he's got something to hide. Secondly, as regards his internet liaison with his old flame, I asked that he contact her via our home computer not from work. He has told me I have nothing to worry about on this one. If there's nothing to hide, why the secrecy? Thirdly, I asked him to get tested. We live in Asia. Aids is rife. I don't know OW's history and I know they didn't use birth control. I think all three of my requests were reasonable.

He said this all proves I no longer trust him. Wake up man. Of course I don't frigging trust you. I told him you need to earn back that trust. In this respect, I feel things cannot ever be quite the same but make an effort and we'll see what happens. He is negative about everything and I again mentioned that I felt he was suffering from depression. He won't have it.

So 8 months on, I believe he still has contact which is why he cannot begin to get close to me. I don't have proof. We have talked about separation which, in our current situation, feels like the best plan. I know his A happened at a time when our M was strained. I acknowledge I played a part in pushing him away. What disturbs me is that he never gave me a chance to make amends. He is so negative. He said something to the effect of 'what's the point of trying, we're bound to separate later anyway'.

How do you do the plan B thing when you are so financially bound to your partner. I have a little part-time job and am about to take on another but my earnings are a scraping next to his. We are just pulling ourselves out of 3 years of debt and I know that separating will put such a strain on our finances again. It is all such a terrible mess.

He has 3 fantastic kids who adore him. I don't adore him but I love him and care for him. He has chronic health issues that have suffered with all the stress. As regards his health, I said, "has it occurred to you that if you go onto dialysis you won't be able to work a 6 day week. You may feel too ill and it is a very time-consuming process." His reply was "I might as well go and top myself now then". I cannot have a proper conversation with him about anything that is important.

I just really need some advice. I lurk around MB most days, occasionally doling out some of my words of wisdom. Today I need some help from you guys. PLEASE.

Tummytuck,

It definitely sounds to me as though he suffers from depression as well as his other health problems. His negative attitude and general apathy must be extremely difficult for you to cope with when you are trying to get your M back on track. I'm no expert, but I would say that this is what needs to be tackled first. Is there any way that you can convince him to see a doctor about his depression? Is his work suffering? Maybe you can put pressure on him through that?

As I said, I'm no expert but from what you say, although plan B might jolt him out of his apathy, he sounds like he is generally in such bad shape physically and mentally that it would also be very risky right now.

Hi,

Can you setup some MC time with Steve @ MB? Would do you a world of good. Plan B may be needed since your LB seems t/b quite depleted. Do you know you are malnourished in the EN dept?

What reading have you done? Love must be Tough by Dr James Dobson info works well with plan B. Learning to reverse babble may be helpful.

JMHO,
L.

Thanks Smur, yes he is in very bad shape physically and mentally which is why he got away with such bad behaviour over the past few years. I made excuses for him all the time because he is sick. But I have now asked him at least 10 times to speak to someone independent about all of this. Told him he is not the first person to have these feelings and there are doctors and counsellors who could help him. But I always get a shake of the head as if to say, I'm not depressed! How long can you make excuses for someone.

Orchid, I love your reverse babble. It is wonderful and I will read it through again just for a smile. However, I don't really get any babble, forward or reverse. It is a one way street when we talk. I get grunts, mumbles and nonsense. Before discovery he did give me the usual 'not in love etc etc' but now, it is nothing. He does not talk to me, he does not touch me. He wants me to push him away and it is working. A stubborn thread is keeping us together but I'm waiting for it to snap.

Hi Tummytuck,

I didn't realise he had been that way for a few years and that you had already advised him to do something about his health that many times.

In that case I agree that some kind of MC and probably also IC for you is a priority. Plan B also sounds like it could eventually help, if the MC doesn't change things. If there are financial and other constraints, maybe you can take a slightly longer term view and try to brainstorm ways for you in the future to live separately if need be - and start planning for it - not because you really want it to happen, or really think its going to, but just in case you later want to.

I think its the worst feeling to feel "trapped" and not able to do what you need to do for your relationship, your mental health and your family because of financial reasons.