1. I have been learning and soaking up information at every turn, but FINALLY I think I'm in a mindset that directs me to *think about my objectives and how my actions will benefit or damage my utlimate goals..I do all of this thinking *before LBing, which is a welcomed changed from my not so distant past of LBing and then in hindsight doing the OPPS thing..
Bearing my new found clarity in mind...I still find myself (from time to time) on the verge of doing things I know will have negative outcomes....in fact before posting this thread I was upset about some inproprieties in my M ... at least in my opinion they were unfair bullcrap that I had put up... but I instead of blurting out my frustrations about those feelings, and having a 40 minute brain dump on my W, I stopped and laughed at my predicament, FIRST...NOT AFTER my instinctive LB..but before my LB.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I miss all of my friends here and I wanted to start a thread of things you've noticed about your own progression since adopting the Harley/MB principles.

BTW) I am still smoke free, I found a new job paying a nice salary, my daughter is still a run away, or should I say I went and brought her home, met with her counselors, just for her to runaway AGAIN...now the courts will locate her and hold her in a group home for a while <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

One heck storm at a time thank you very much? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Don't mind me, D like W like H...sometimes there are things a person needs to learn, endure, suffer, and grow from...and guess what???


There isn't a darn thing anyone else can do about it!

Your Friend,

MORE POWER TO YA FM!

"To love for the sake of being loved is human, but to love for the sake of loving is angelic" - Alphonse De Lamartine

FM - I haven't chatted you up in a while. Sounds like things are going okay. I hope your DD can find her way.

The change in me? I'm less indignant, even though I blame myself even less for this A than I did in the beginning. My first instinct when the sparrow does something that hurts me is compassion.

I never had problems with anger and belligerence, but I have no wish to accommodate these emotions at all any more.

I do not get excited over small issues. If my house is a mess, I clean it. If I'm running behind on the things I want to accomplish during the day, I take something off the list.

I'm nice to everybody, I don't criticize or judge people, and I don't complain about minor inconveniences.

When I meet a new person, I see somebody that's in the same boat as me. A fellow human being, with their own history and pain and strengths and limitations. Somebody I might be able to learn from.

These changes, though not dramatic, are profound to me. I'm being kinder to the world, and the world is being kinder to me. With one important exception...

GC

Hi FM,
It sounds like we are a lot alike - I used to sometimes feel I was treated unfairly. And, looking back, I still think those feelings were accurate.

I used to get angry, and demand fairness. You can guess how far that got me.

Now I think about the best way to strengthen our relationship, and about how to make things better, and heal the hurt. Even if I have to do all the work, that is still the best way.

Funny thing is, she responds to that and she comes closer, and gives more herself. Why didn't I see that 20 years ago, and save us all this grief?

SS

<small>[ October 01, 2004, 11:11 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

hey FM. lets see, i am a LOT calmer than i was a month ago. maybe because i kept trying with my actions and words to control my wh's behavior. so many people kept trying to tell me i couldnt control him, i finally listened and calmed down. i quit calling him and guess what? now he's calling me, wants to see me and stay over here and seems to be making some effort to defog. no matter what he does i try to be nice and loving.is it going to work? who can tell. i finally am able to separate my emotions from taking over stressful situations with him. i am happier than i've been in a long time and am no longer out of control as some of you guys may remember. i thank this board and all my friends.

OK...Shout out from the :other side"....

Like I just posted to Bob...I've seen his pain...your pain..the pain in general here...and asked myself, WTF?

Guess you can say, I exposed myself. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

The other thing, that goes hand-in-hand? I don't take my M or brown for granted. She--we--are a blessing. And we are a force to be reckoned with when we work together.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don't mind me, D like W like H...sometimes there are things a person needs to learn, endure, suffer, and grow from...and guess what???


There isn't a darn thing anyone else can do about it!</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Profound. (No, believe it or not, I am not being my sarcastic self!)

About the situation or issue? You're probably right. No "doing" there. But, like this board, sometimes just "being" there works wonders. Something like a plan a, huh?

I have great respect for you, FM. I ask myself, sometimes, "How does he deal with it? And the stress of it all. And then he's gonna quit smoking on top of that!" I guess, it's your "knighthood", huh? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

But you do. Yeah, sometimes stumbling...sometimes failing...but you still "do."

Hats off to you, friend. God bless.

(And congrats on that job! That obviously wasn't helping the sit--or your psyche--out much.)

For me the MB program seems to be about learning to always consider your deepest values and act in accordance with them, NOT with the particular emotion you might be feeling at any one time. Learning that you are not a slave to your emotions, you don't need to act out. Restraint - thats the word - I never really valued it before, but now I couldn't live without it.

FM -

Like your D, I too was a wild little teen. Ended up in Juvie, then in a home for a year. Missed my parents so much I straightened right up. You are so right about what you can do about D. She'll figure it out, just like the rest of us.

What I have learned from MB - way too much to ever find the words for. But I thank God every day that I did.

And I am sooo much smarter now <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

One of my favorite little lyrics from Dylan -

"but I was so much older then, I'm younger than that now!" Don't know what that has to do with MB, but it keeps running through my lil ole head.

Weaver,
Thank you for reaffirming what I believe...I needed to hear your words...truly I did.

SMUR,
Ditto! I am not a slave to my emotions, but I am not blind to the truth. The difficult part is deciphering what is truth and what is hyper sensitive emotion? eeh? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

LINY,
I apprecaite your words of encouragement, and I respect you for RECOGNIZING how great BROWN is while you still have time. CONGRATS on being brave enough to look at yourself and realize,..."hey, I have work to do".

I know in my heart that I have done much the last few months. I'm trying to deal with my need to feel vindication from my W, but it's hard because there are certain emotional things I need in my M that I'm not getting. I wonder sometimes how much more gas is really in my tank, then I nudge myself and accept that it aint about the gas, it's about how effeciently your engine burns fuel <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Shelly,
YUP, I think it's only natural. If you pull back he moves towards you, if you move towards him he pulls back...just call it the FOG 2 Step. I do believe it starts to evaporate over time, or over drama that is. You will get to the end of your rope and he will realize he can no longer eat his cake and then he will make moves to save your M. I think it's all textbook, but that doesn't make it any easier to go through. Keep your head up sis.

StillSeeking,
I would like to be in your frame of mind this morning, but it escapes me at the moment. Healing is a beautiful prospect, but I can't help but need what I need and what I need is for my W to show she really gets it....but she cant do that, because she doesn't get it...she just doesn't, at least not now..I hope she does soon though....Real Soon.

GC,
How are you friend? For me it's not about anger or belligerence, it's about someone slamming your arm in the car door about 10 times and then acting like your raining on their parade when you ask for ice to dull the throbbing and sweeling. It's not about anger GC, its about someone lying and decieving you and then they seem oblivious to the pain that theyve caused as if it never happened. It's not about anger it's about acknowledgement, compassion, responsiblity and security...

1. Acknowledge that you hurt me
2. Express compassion for me while I deal with that trauma of your infidelity
3. Display that you accept responsiblities for your actions, do not try to sweep your garbage under the rug Deal with the hurt you helped creat. Be responsible for your part in fixing what is wrong.
4. From time to time grant me kind words and reconfirm that you love me and want nothing more in this world than to remain true to me and married to me for the rest of your life. Yes, make me feel secure enough to grant you the keys to my heart once again. I don't want I'm sorry, I want I'm ready.

Joe,
More Power to us ALL friend! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />