Plan A is a really hard thing to do. First of all, you MUST understand what it's all about. It's about correcting those negative things about YOU that your WS views as a "turn off". It's also all about Exposing the A to people who can be allies in ending the affair, and ultimately, it's about playing a part in ending the affair.

Emotional detachment can make the Journey of Plan A a little easier to endure.

Try to think of it in this way.

You now have two spouses. The first one, the one you love and cherish, has been cloned, but something went horribly wrong. Instead of being just like the old one, the clone is an awful alter-ego. Everything BAD that your real spouse is GOOD.

The clone will say the most hurtful things. The clone will attempt to provoke you with Angry Outbursts, Disrespectful Judgements and any other way to make you angry and agressive, to make you out to be the "bad spouse" they have to have, in order to justify the affair. The clone will be "in love" with their "soulmate" and "loves you, but is not in love with you" anymore. The clone will forsake marriage, children, friends, relatives UNLESS they fully support them in their A.

These two spouses will wobble back and forth with their combined presence in your life. Sometime you can't tell them apart. Sometimes it's self-evident.

So what do you do? You eliminate all LoveBusters towards your spouse. Permanently. You treat "both" spouses with loving kindness and respect. You "identify" the clone by their thoughtless words and actions, and you TOTALLY DISREGARD those things, because you KNOW IT'S NOT YOUR SPOUSE!

Is it hard? Yep, at first. But simply make a game of it. And when WS sees that their FOG-borne actions make no impact on you, THAT's when Plan A goes into HIGH GEAR. Practice it for a couple of days, and you'll get the hang of it. It will get easier with each passing day.

Avoid relationship talks with "either" spouse. When they're in the fog, it will only provoke them. Be kind, gentle, thoughtful and loving at all times. Put your "taker" on the shelf, as "he/she" won't be getting any action for a while. Be consumed with being the "giver", because "he/she" will be working overtime for a while.

Once you learn to do this emotional detachment, and become more relaxed in your interactions with your WS, you will begin to make headway. Although it may not seem that anything you do is making an impact or impression your WS, do not be fooled. They WILL notice, and those continuous deposits in their LB$ will begin to add up, and they will become introspective about their A. They will begin to question their actions, and wonder if they are willing to give up what they "have and know" for the great unknown of the OP.

Read and STUDY Plan A until it is a part of you. It has worked for many. It worked for me. It can work for you!

SD

<small>[ October 05, 2004, 11:18 AM: Message edited by: shattered dreams ]</small>

^bump^

My god! How do you do this? AND I've been cloned too! I'm the BS and there are now two of me! The angry BS came out with a vengence last night and now I hate myself! Ugh!

SD-

Thanks for this post...I am continuously confused as to what is the best approach to dealing with my WS...some people talk about 180s (which seems to somewhat conflict plan A), others say get angry, others say plan A. I'd say I have been doing mostly plan A but probably have thrown in other methods throughout these past 4 months. I know that I probably have LB'd a few times the past 4 months by bringing up relationship/marriage talk when WH is still out dating like the bachelor he is pretending to be. I have tried to be nice in the approach but it obviously doesn't work. It is hard having such a big part of your future so uncertain! I have sat back a bit now and tried to be friendly when he initiates and have kept my mouth shut about our relationship/marriage, just telling him what I have been up to and asking how is day is going.

I know when I have talked relationship in the past, he has reminded me that he has moved on and that I need to do <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Right now, 2scared and fogless say I need to put him on ignore and wait to try to expose the affair until after my big race/trip to Kona Oct 12-22nd....this is hard for me! I just want some answers to things I have been kept in the dark about for a year now.

Should I continue to send him hello e-mails and calls, ask him to meet for dinner, or shall I put him on ignore and make him wonder what I am up to until after I get back from my trip?

Thanks for your input <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

-K

Me: 28 yo FW of 3.5 years
Him: 30 yo WH
Affair: 4 months last fall, ended Jan 04
Bomb Dropped: May 22nd, 2004
WH left me and signed a 1 year lease 2 days later, been separated ever since
No kids
No divorce papers filed but he keeps reminding me that I need to move on with my life and let other men see what a good person I am.

Don't put him on ignore, but minimize the notes and e-mails.

Don't throw him a 32 ounce porterhouse steak, toss him a well prepared appetizer.

Give him a taste of your love, but don't smother him.

Gentle, non-confrontational reminders that you are a Great Person, the one whose love is so great you are STILL willing to forgive him and welcome him back to the marriage, in spite of his really, really bad judgement.

"Just thinking of you this morning, and hoping you have a great day" or "Just a note to tell you my love for you is still strong, and I believe in you".

But not too much. If the clone responds, babble back with a long "hmmmmmmmmm", or just ignore the fog speak.

Make him miss you a little bit, by not overwhelming him.

Be thoughtful and creative. Think back to what pleased him when you won his heart in the days before you married him. Do those kinds of things.

Best wishes
SD

Fighting

Just think of it this way. Your utterance of any LoveBusters will make the OP seem like a much more pleasant and safe place to be. The "fantasy world" has no negatives.

STOP the LB's and treat her with the utmost respect and care, and you'll begin to see her become confused and waver in her feeling to OM.

SD

Thanks SD....this helps. I have been driving myself crazy thinking I can't talk to him. I will continue to stay true to myself which includes caring for all that I love, friends, family, and my WH.