quick bg of our story:
9/01 married and bought first home (we had been dating for 9 years prior to this)
3/02 found out I was prgnant, his dad diagnosed with terminal cancer
9/02 had baby (we never wanted children, so this was a suprise...of course now we love her more than anything!),
9/03 his dad dies of cancer...he lived with dad for 3 months to take care of him...
There were a few other things that transpired during thsi time..all negative...so it has been a BAD couple of years..excluding our beautiful baby!
3/04 FInd out about EA with W at work

For the last 6 months we have had many BIG fights, lies and false promises...he continued with contact until at least August that I knwo of after promising to stop talking ot her...we have been thru all the standard stuff I have read about here...I forced him to get an apt. in august but he never moved in...he claims he wants this to work....I know he had contact with ehr on 8/30...not sure if anything since then since I promised I would stop looking!

So wed. was our 3rd anniv, and I got nothing! He claimed he got me a card but it was at his apt., and he gave it to me the next day...but I guess I was expecting something a little special...he sent the OW flowers on 8/13, but he couldnt do one thing for me on our anniv? Am I expecting too much too soon? Isnt this a sign he just doesnt care?

If he keeps saying "let's try to get a long" and "I want this to work". why can he not give a little? Why do I as the BW need to sacrifice my pride and my heart to get nothing back? How long is this supposed to go on for?

I have been TRYING really hard to do Plan A, but am struggling how to do it when I am the one who has been hurt...seems to me that the WS should be doing hte plan A!!!

Someone help me please! I do think this can work..I know my husband and I know he wouldnt be here if he did not want this....

How do I stop being angry and stop nagging him and stop trying to have these DEEP conversations to find out what he really wants? I want this to work, but not at the risk of me doing all the work....will he ever give back?!?!?!?!? Did you all go through this?!?!!? Will he EVER be able to make me feel special again or is there so much damage done that he wont be capable?!?!?

Thanks so much!!! Thank God for this board...it has been incredible!!!!

Jill,

Let's see. Your husband has been in an affair and sent a beautiful bouquet of flowers to OW not so long ago and he can only muster a card (that he forgot at his apartment) for your third wedding anniversary. No, I think any woman would be really upset in this situation.

I think your husband is still very much in his A with OW, at least emotionally, but I would lay odds that a physical relationship is ongoing.

I am concerned about the apartment. Get rid of it! Break the lease, whatever you have to do! It can only serve as a "love nest" for the two of them. What was he doing at the apartment when he left your card there? He never moved in, so what purpose could he have had to go there?

It's all too fishy, my dear.

Did you promise to stop checking on him because he claimed you should be able to trust him now, and that to keep checking made him feel you would never trust him?

Baloney! When a WS threatens, "don't snoop" it is because they have something to hide. When they can say "snoop all you want," they usually have come clean. Even then, still snoop until you feel YOU are done with it and don't need it anymore.

I am worried that you are making the mistake many of us do: believing the lies they tell because we want our marriages to work out with the least amount of pain. This never, ever works.
See my sig below? I did that after affair no. 1. Affair no. 2 was only time away...

Take care.

~ Snow

Jill,

I wish I had some words of wisdom to help. I'm going through a similar situation. It's that fear that they haven't made a decision yet. All the "what ifs" that go through your head. The feeling that you want to just go on with your life and leave this all behind, but knowing that you would regret it if you did not try.

It would be nice if there would be a category on this board about successes. Just to read someone's story that is similar to yours and find out that all of this can work would help us to go on a little more confidently.

Have you read 'Surviving an Affair' (also just called 'SAA' here)? It helps me at times to read about John and Sue as this situation is very similar to my WW and my situation.

Keep going. I have found strength and patience that I know have to come from God. I never thought that I would still be in a marriage after what has happened. There are times when I feel close and times when I feel like we have a *long* way to go.

There are others out here who feel the same as you. This doesn't take away your pain, but there is some comfort in it. My best to you.