Every time H says something that upsets or reminds me of his infidelity I tell him...That's a trigger: STOP. He'll say "oh I forgot you're very sensitive about that” DUH wud ya think?
Anyway, he seems to be getting it and trying to be a little more sensitive to me.
However, yesterday I asked him if he had any information regarding the next golf trip... He blew a gasket. I know that we settled on he would tell me when and if he were going and that I shouldn't ask anymore. But I have been noticing a lot more emails from his golfing buddies and the fact he's spending today with a couple of them, I had to ask.
Well, he said no, he has no idea, its months away and told me to get a life. After about an hour he sent me an email detailing the information. Asking for peace on this subject.
So yeah, I was right he knew details but chose not to share...I guess I've left no surprise to my reaction, so he didn't tell me. He got so mad and started yelling on how I ruined his Friday and the whole weekend. Just by asking for dates of his next vacation. Yep I ruined it.
I think as his wife I should know his vacation schedule. I should know where I stand in his life and what kind of plans I need to make.
I tried to tell him what my triggers were, the fact that he's spending today with two of the guys and he'll be traveling again next week on business...these are my triggers!
He says it's clear to him now that I will never trust him and that there is no way he can live like this. I just tried to calmly tell him that he has to understand that this is going to take time.
Every time I think I'm healing he opens the wound.... saying things like "it could be worse, I could have told you've I've been have a 6 month affair", or it's just sex...no big deal, you're going to let a "two bit whore" ruin your life and make you miserable, or even when he posted those notes. (Thank goodness they've stopped)
I hurt a lot, I feel like crying and going back to bed. I know I can forgive his horrible mistake... but according to H to show true forgiveness and trust I should not make a big deal out of a golfing trip. Everyone goes on them. He's learned from his past mistake and won't repeat it. It's just a golf trip. But that's what I thought the last trip was...maybe it was a "cheat on your wife trip" and I got it wrong?
I'm so sad I almost feel like giving up. He'll never understand how it feels, how being betrayed and then being asked forgive, forget and move on feels. How can't he just see that telling me he knows how much he hurt me and how sorry he is and he won't go on this trip if it's going to upset me.
I feel I'm in a lose, lose situation. If he doesn't go he'll be miserable if he does go I'll be miserable, and now even if he doesn't go I know where I stand. I'll be the bad, untrusting wife who is trying to run his life. I know that our damaged marriage is not his first priority.
My IC said it's only once a year...no big deal...I thought you were going to tell me it's every 3 or 4 months. Maybe am I making to big a deal out of this?
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