Well, where do I begin? These last two weeks, while being stressful to the max, have also given me a renewed sense of perspective.

To start, I got a phone call on Wednesday morning telling me that my younger brother just fell off a scaffolding 30 feet to a concrete pavement. He was alive but in critical condition. I cancelled my office hours, my plans for moving my business office and my scheduled surgery to fly to Iowa to be with him and his wife. My brother had just gotten this job after being off work for 16 months. If there was any man that I envied and respected it was my brother. He was a bit of a screw up when he was younger but a stint in the navy and a great wife matured him quickly. He has three fantastic kids. They have always struggled for money and I am sure looked at both sides of the family where success has blessed us with a little bit of jealousy. Little did they know the jealousy that I feel when looking at him, his M, and his children. He has undergone a couple of surgeries (looking forward to a couple more) but is stable enough to be air ambulanced back home to Ohio. The doctors, nurses, EMT all did a marvelous job. He has no permanent neurological damage but several fractures will require a long convalescence.

Rev Mike and a friend called WW and tell her the news. I did not really care to talk to her with my emotions being on afterburner. She called several times while I was in Iowa. To her credit she did ask me about how my brother was doing before chastising me about me not calling her personally. In her first call we briefly touched on the involvement of an estranged nephew and his renewed willingness to help out the family since he and his wife are attorneys.

WW said,” I hope that this teaches him proper perspective on how important the family really is”.

Incredulously, I told my WW to think about what she had just said and I hung up the phone. The next time she called I had returned to my motel and when I saw the caller ID, I answered with some trepidation. The conversation turned to what had happened 5 months ago and I asked her how much she loved OM? She lied that she didn’t love him at all. I quickly replied that over one thousand emails, IM’s and telephone calls told me different. If she didn’t love him, then why were all the emails signed with I love you’s? Got no answer to that one. I asked several questions about the steamy emails directly quoting my WW’s words. She freaked and yelled that she had suspected that I had found a way to read them. I also asked how the OM was doing and how his plans were coming to leave the ship, move to San Diego and get a job there in a local hotel. Was he still coming the day after our divorce could be final? She started to cry that she did not love him, she wanted to stay married, and could not figure out a way to extricate her from her predicament.


She told me that because of my exposing her A to family, friends and business colleagues, she was a virtual hermit. She hated going out because she was constantly being approached by people that after finding out who she was, praised me professionally and personally. She cried that she had lost her identity as Mrs. Cymanca and wanted it back. I asked if the title Mrs. Cymanca was so important, why had she dropped my name from her voice mail.

“ Because I tried to hurt you when you heard it” she replied. Good job!

Flying back from Iowa she caught me at the airport between planes sobbing that our cat Tuxedo had taken a terrible turn the night before and the vet recommended putting him down that morning. Now if you read my last thread you know Tuxedo’s story. You also should know that his story is one that is filled with praise about WW’s rescue and fight for Tuxedo’s life. I have the greatest respect for WW for how she responded in that situation. When I told her that she had to be proud of what she had done, I also asked how a cat (that I also loved dearly) could exact emotions and commitment from her that I was not privileged to see very often.

“ It was because Tuxedo loved me unconditionally,” she said.


“ So the fact that I approached you for reconciliation after the A was exposed and have spent the last 5 months sleeping on my office floor and have not gone out and behaved like you had, that doesn’t prove that I love you unconditionally” I asked.

Skipping forward to the last few days, I ran into her at our weekly business meeting with the developers of our office building. She told me that she wanted our M to work but was afraid that I was behaving in my loving manner just so I could dump her after we reconciled. I asked her if she wanted me to have an affair (tongue firmly in cheek) so that the playing field would be leveled? She did not answer vocally but I got the definite “ don’t you dare” look in her eyes. She said that she knew what she had to do; she just could not bear to send the NC letter. She intimated that she would be breaking the OM’s heart.

I asked her if she had read SAA since I had given it to her and she admitted she had not. I told her that the book was a blueprint for the construction and demolition of an A and the rekindling of the M. She promised she would read it immediately and would also get on MB forums to read stories from other WW’s.

Well that was a few days ago and nothing but silence. I don’t know if she seemed to poke her head above the fog. I suspect she did, but only temporarily

<small>[ October 02, 2004, 04:52 PM: Message edited by: Cymanca ]</small>

Cymanca,

I was wondering what was up with you. Cannot even begin to tell you how surprised I am by this post. What a complete surprise that she had this moment of foglessness.

I think you should get with Dr. Harley and see how to proceed from here! You need expert advice now. How wonderful if there is hope for you two. I don't want to get your hopes up, but if she were my wife, & if I still wanted to be with her I would get some serious insight from the brass.

Weaver

Weaver,

I guess I left off the most important part.

I just don't know if I want her back.

Sounds like she is coming a little bit out of the fog. How do you feel about reconciling with her?

That's the hard part, I know.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Cymanca:
<strong> Weaver,

I guess I left off the most important part.

I just don't know if I want her back. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is not a unique doubt that you express here ... it's pretty common for the BS to question their desire for reconciliation, due to various reasons.

"How important the family really is" ... may very well be a subliminal message she's sending to you!

Pep

<small>[ October 02, 2004, 03:59 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Pep,

Very novel read on the subliminal message!

bump

Looking for some feedback

I think you should stay in Plan B until she does no contact letter from her to OM. Also a substantial show of commitment to you and your marriage.

You don't think you want her back because you have spent the last several months only dwelling on her negative qualities for survival. And maybe it is too late to regain the love you once had. But how will will know if you don't go through the recovery part.

It is my honest opinion that you need to see this through to the end, and that mean recovery if you get the option in a reasonable amount of time.

She may have changed, especially if she gets brought to her knees somehow and really has to dig deep. If she is coming out of the fog, do not catch her if she falls, unless it is with your Plan B letter answered to your satisfaction.

You need to KNOW that you have done all you can, so you can move on. This is called earning your way out of the marriage. (of course infidelity may be enough but probably not)

What if she is a different person now. Maybe she has learned compassion? Maybe she has found that physical looks don't the woman or happiness make. Maybe she has had enough of the club scene.


Weaver

<small>[ October 04, 2004, 02:10 PM: Message edited by: weaver ]</small>

Sending you hugs Cy!

I'm thinking and thinking and thinking on your post. I dunno what to say other that the BEST course I've ever taken when I've had such a daunting question (and you know I've had quite a few) is to ask God. I know, and you quit rolling your eyes at me - geez, I heard them roll all the way to Texas! - I know it's so effing cliche, but I'm walking proof that He answers in your heart. He'll tell you the path to plant your feet upon. It might suck balloons for awhile, but you'll know the "right" answer once you ask the question.

Sending you all the support I can thru the net!

- Kimmy

Cy:

I don't know about "novel", but Pep's remark was right on the money in my view.

You have a WW about 2 become a FWW, and you don't know if you want her?

YES, she has a lot of work 2 do, but she's making "willingness" signs. Definitely suggest she get in touch with one of the Harleys or Penny Tupy and get started on HER recovery. She'll have 2 do it anyway, with or without you in her fu2re. She'll have 2 decide whether you are important enough 2 her 2 go NC on the OM. My bet is she will, even2ally, particularly with help from the pros.

Will you be there for her if/when she does?

-ol' 2long

22bbllee ppoosstt!!

<small>[ October 04, 2004, 02:23 PM: Message edited by: 2long ]</small>

Niosgirl,

I have always been a religious man and times like these always bring me closer to God. At first, I prayed for God to bring back my WW in heart,mind, body and soul. Now I pray for guidance on what to do IF she truly wants to come back. After my above referenced conversations with WW, I had half expected the NC letter to come forthwith.

So far, nada.

2Long,

I don't know HOW to get her to counseling with anybody. This WW has not read a book, sought personal counseling, or asked for any help in almost 6 months (other than her single friends, who have their own agenda)

I don't want to come off as a smart *ss, but HOW do I get my WW to take steps toward saving our M.

What were the conditions in your Plan B?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
I don't want to come off as a smart *ss, but HOW do I get my WW to take steps toward saving our M.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

You might ask:

"WW, are you interested in marriage recovery?"

Just ask... keep it simple... just send out a small shoot of possibility.... see what happends.

Pep

<small>[ October 04, 2004, 02:44 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Weaver,

I went in to Plan B before I ever came onto this MB site. In short, during our 2 day reconciliation, she agreed without hesitation to send a NC letter and a note to me promising not to lie anymore. This promise was given to me personally and also in front of our counselor. That is my line in the sand, if you will.

Pep

Even though I have been in "Plan B" during our infrequent contacts, she was asked specifically if she wanted to recover our marriage and the exact steps necessary for that recovery to begin.

Cy:

"I don't know HOW to get her to counseling with anybody."

You don't. You can only make suggestions. It's up 2 her 2 decide whether it's what she wants/needs for HER.

"This WW has not read a book, sought personal counseling, or asked for any help in almost 6 months (other than her single friends, who have their own agenda)"

Congra2lations! Try almost THREE YEARS. My W has only read a little of "Passionate Marriage" (complained about the sex therapy focus, completely missing the gist of the most important first chapter), and of "Why We Love" (recommended by Penny). She has gone 2 an IC, and is seeing one infrequently now, though. Won't go back 2 MC with me and thinks coaching with the Harleys or Penny is a waste of time and money. And STILL, there are sparks of incremental "getting-it-ness". Sometimes they seem 2 be just enough 2 reel me back in, sometimes they're more than that. But compared 2 the beginning of this process, I KNOW she's slowly recovering. I dread 2 think what life would be like now if I had given up 2 years ago and moved on 2 another relationship, only 2 find her showing signs now. I think my W is worthy of some more patience from ol' 2long. Only you can decide whether yours is of yours.

"I don't want to come off as a smart *ss, but HOW do I get my WW to take steps toward saving our M."

I don't think you can. Or, at least you can't look at this process as a means 2 find a way 2 get your W 2 do anything. She simply has 2 do this for herself, if she does it at all. You can't make her read or go 2 counseling, but you sure can tell her your boundaries and keep living life for you.

It just seems 2 me that she wants a piece of that. She just hasn't taken the steps necessary 2 get it. But she's taking more than many in this period of time.

-ol' 2long

2Long,

Thanks for bringing me back to reality as per the time frame that I am in. I guess 6 months sounds like a baby step when compared to MB'ers like you. Man, 3 years!! How do you survive????