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Hi all,

I am 33, been engaged to BS 3 years, with her for 12. I have just ended a 6 week affair with a NC letter, after reading much on MB. Both of us new it was coming, so wasn’t such a shock for OW. BS does not know about the affair. It is unlikely OW will tell her, as OW is not bitter about our break-up, she knew it had to happen as it was the best thing for all involved.

OW is going through a divorce. Her leaving her husband has little to do with me, it was happening either way. OW is a smart, caring woman (I guess most OWs are considered that by their cheating lovers?).

OW has accepted the NC, although is “disappointed” in the way I ended it, telling me I need to learn to consider other people’s feeling more in the future, the way I ended it was not nice, I am not the man she thought I was etc. I find this confusing because I’m not sure how the hell she expected me to end it, when we both agreed being “just friends” was ludicrous. I also moved out of the fog and realised it was a total insult to my BS to maintain contact with OW, which is when I sent the NC letter.

OW had always put the pressure on me, constantly telling me that the ball is in my court, what happens is entirely up to me, she has no say in anything, she will follow my lead etc. So I HAD to be the one to end it clean, OW just wouldn’t do it as brutally as I ended up having to do, with the NC letter.

I am now entirely out of the fog and committed to my BS 100%. We have a very good relationship, so I am going to seek counseling to figure out why I did what I did, and look closer at out relationship and commit to our upcoming marriage with even more heart.

Now I am also thinking about the way OW behaved. The way she tried to pull me out of my upcoming marriage. I don’t like it. She would tell me things such as postpone the marriage (when the A started the marriage was 3 months away, and we were only together for one night - no penetration for what it’s worth, I think at the time we knew that was going too far based on some warped morality – then the A was maintained long distance for another 6 weeks).

OW’s attitude was when she wants something, she does everything she can to get it. She didn’t seem too concerned that that would destroy our marriage and devastate my fiancé.

OW pushed me hard to rethink my marriage and “not settle”. Think about what was best for me. She would say I should leave and shift to her city and live with her. That it was all so right. When will we ever feel like this again? Luckily, from the beginning I was aware of the fog, even though I didn’t know it was called that…

I had always told OW that I would not leave my BS. We “had some fun”, then tried to end the A, but it was difficult, until I moved out of the fog. We became very close and seemed to be falling in love, and were incredibly sexually attracted to each other. What I have read here about addiction is precisely correct – I would literally feel the adrenalin / endorphins pumping through my veins when on the phone with OW.

OW would still try to push me to leave, which I did resent a little at the time, even more so now. Especially when I would tell her I am happy, I don’t have some horrible fiancé who I can’t stand. But OW would push anyway, which had me re-thinking the marriage and my relationship with BS (which I was doing anyway because the fact I was in an A had me look at my life, myself, my engagement etc). OW would ask me about my sex life with BS, how exciting is my life, am I excited about the marriage etc., casting a lot of doubt over my current station in life.

Anyway, I do wish OW much happiness in the future, and I regret deeply what I did to both her and BS. However, OW knew what she was getting into, and played her part, so I am trying to keep my remorse is for BS.

I am committed to getting married. I am totally committed. I want to make our lives better and better. But then I have to ask myself why I would do such a thing to BS, be so incredibly selfish, so easily. This is one reason why I am going into IC.

So that’s about it. Just wanted to vent and see what you all had to say about my situation. This is the only time I have had an A in 12 years, and I was one of those people with high morals and very trustworthy, and would never do such a thing! And here I am.

One last comment – if you’re reading this and in an affair, end it NOW before the fog becomes too thick and you can’t get out until people’s lives are torn to shreds. I look back at what I did and wonder how I could be so stupid and selfish, such a LIAR.

Seth

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Hi Seth,

Welcome to Marriage Builders. I'm glad you've read here and have already ended your affair w/a no contact letter. Of course the OW is ticked. She didn't REALLY think you'd do it. And you're right, your remorse and sympathy should be with your fiancee.

A couple of questions. If I read your post correctly, you're still not married, but plan to be? What have you told your BS? It sounds like she's unaware? If so, we'll have to help you work on that.

Lots of great folks here on both sides who help you through a difficult time. What are your plans now?

Take care, and keep posting?

Shellybird

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What does your fiance have to say about all this?

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>
A couple of questions. If I read your post correctly, you're still not married, but plan to be? What have you told your BS? It sounds like she's unaware? If so, we'll have to help you work on that.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi shellybird,

Thanks for your comments. To answer your questions, I am due to be married in 2 weeks. Yep, 2 weeks.

I have told my BS nothing. She has zero suspicions. Remember, I am totally trustworthy (sarcasm)!

I am thinking long and hard about telling BS. I hate having these lies in the relationship. I almost did yesterday after sending the NC letter. But I am seeking IC before making my decision. Like everyone, I am deeply concerned about the hurt and pain it would cause her, and what it would do to our upcoming marriage - I do not want to start the marriage off the back of this A like that. However, I am also torn between not starting the marriage off the back of keeping the truth from her.

I tell myself the wedding vows can help me wipe the slate clean and put the A behind me, and dedicate myself to the marriage. I am not a big fan of coincidences, so am sure that part of the reason for the A was the upcoming commitment of the marriage – however that is something I’ll work out with IC.

For some reason, I feel if we had been married for a year or so when this happened, I would tell her. But I can’t bring myself to telling her when the wedding is so close and she is so happy. Our relationship is very good, and until now, has been very open. But the fact I had an A puts everything in question, and hopefully I’ll be able to sort this mess out with everyone on the board, and IC.

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Hmm, Seth. Is part of the reason you don't won't tell, besides the fact that it's ALWAYS going to be a difficult thing to tell her, is that you think she won't want to marry you?

And if that's the case, what kind of marriage will you be beginning? One based on a lie. One based on fears. Both yours and hers. Would she still love you and want to be married to you if she knew?

She really, really, really, needs to have all the pertinent information so that she can decide just what to do with all the cards on the table. Then, you have a reasonable chance to work toward a happy, fullfilling life, despite this problem. She WILL find out some day, that's an absolute. And if she finds out later, rather than now, the memory of your wedding will NOT be a joyous one, but one that reminds her of how gullible and lied to she was.

She deserves your love and respect enough that you will NOT allow her walk down that aisle without the facts she needs. And with a heartfelt, remorseful apology, and the vulnerable acknowledgement that you can't imagine marrying anyone else, but know she may now not want to choose you. She deserves to hear you ask for forgivness BEFORE she says "I do." Otherwise, she will feel like her marriage has been a sham if she finds out afterwards.

She needs to walk down the aisle with her eyes wide open, Seth. I really hope for both your sakes, you talk to her very soon. You both would have a lot of support here to help you heal the hurts. Think about it, and take care,

Shellybird

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If you think that your fiancee is going to be devastated if you tell her about your affair, you are correct BUT if she finds out about your affair from another person [OW] AFTER she marries you then she is going to be more devastated because she is going to realize that she married a man who does not exist. She has a right to know the truth about your affair before she makes vows to you and God.

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<strong> Hmm, Seth. Is part of the reason you don't won't tell, besides the fact that it's ALWAYS going to be a difficult thing to tell her, is that you think she won't want to marry you?
</strong>

No - I am being fully honest here. My motivation for not telling her is not my selfishness, I am thinking of her. Her happiness. It is very confusing for me. The timing is making it very difficult for me to tell her – if we weren’t getting married for some time, or had been for some time, then it would be different for me. But telling her this close to the wedding will just cause a horrendous mess. I have made a terrible mistake (it still seems surreal to me that it ever happened), and I can put this behind me, learn from it, and protect her from it. I know this must sound crazy. Me telling her of the A will rip all of this to pieces. I have stopped the affair, and want to move on from it. I was in the fog. Now I’m out of it.

Then I have the other part of me that thinks telling her is simply the right thing to do, regardless of the consequences. But if I know in my heart it will not happen again, that it has helped me realise the amount of energy I need to put into the marriage, then let sleeping dogs lie.

I’m sorry, I just don’t know what to do right now. I am bouncing. I keep coming back to everything may ultimately be better if it is buried and forgotten, written off.

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Seth...welcome to MB...glad you found this site.

You've already been given good opinions. You put yourself in a real tough position. even tougher, your STBW. It's good to hear you are talking steps to "fix" your mistake. That's what I'd like to comment on.

Your STBW can't fix something if she don't know it's broke. But it is "broke" and it does need fixin'.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I tell myself the wedding vows can help me wipe the slate clean and put the A behind me, and dedicate myself to the marriage. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You tell yourself 'cause you're trying to convince yourself. You need to think about the repercussions, now that you "are out of the fog."

And...you would be basing your vows on lies. "Premeditated lies."

You sound like you have your head back now--I know all too well that "popping" sound! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Just from the tone of your thread, I think you know what the right thing to do is here.

Best wishes. Ask away!

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Seth_1000:

My motivation for not telling her is not my selfishness, I am thinking of her. Her happiness.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How? by deceiving her?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It is very confusing for me. The timing is making it very difficult for me to tell her – if we weren’t getting married for some time, or had been for some time, then it would be different for me. But telling her this close to the wedding will just cause a horrendous mess.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes it would be a horrendous mess BUT the mess was already made by you long before you would tell her the truth.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have made a terrible mistake (it still seems surreal to me that it ever happened), and I can put this behind me, learn from it, and protect her from it.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you chose not to tell her about your affair, you are basically erecting a wall of secrecy that will forever prevent true intimacy [the sharing of your deepest thoughts and feelings].
But if true intimacy is not important to you then don't tell her about your affair.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know this must sound crazy. Me telling her of the A will rip all of this to pieces. I have stopped the affair, and want to move on from it. I was in the fog. Now I’m out of it.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What you want is NOT to pay the consequences for your affair.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Then I have the other part of me that thinks telling her is simply the right thing to do, regardless of the consequences. But if I know in my heart it will not happen again, that it has helped me realise the amount of energy I need to put into the marriage, then let sleeping dogs lie.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">There are a few FWS [former wayward spouses] who beleived this, kept quiet about their affair, and a few years later were back in another affair.

If your affair was in part a result of unfulfilled EN [emotional needs] then how is your stbW know how to fulfill your most important EN?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I’m sorry, I just don’t know what to do right now. I am bouncing. I keep coming back to everything may ultimately be better if it is buried and forgotten, written off.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You better pray that the OW doesn't want to pay you back for ending the affair [remember the saying 'He** hath no fury like a woman scorned'.

The OW has nothing to lose by telling your fiancee about the affair, but you do. If she notices fear from you, she'll know that she's got you by the ba**s. That's a terrible weapon you've given the OW to wield by your reluctance to tell your fiancee about the affair. Let's hope she never uses it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

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Seth..

there are huge warning flags all over your posts...and evidence how little you truly grasp the realities of your actions...

Now I am also thinking about the way OW behaved. The way she tried to pull me out of my upcoming marriage. I don’t like it. She would tell me things such as postpone the marriage

all of these ramblings and focus on the OW and anything she said or did..is just wasted energy and thought...

no one can be controlled
no one can be manipulated
no one

without giving consent.....

no matter what she said or didn't say ...you chose each and every action of your affair..

you alone hold onus of responsibility...

quit wasting energy focusing on her..
it muddies your thinking and justifies you not disclosing to your fiancee...

bottom line is that if you love your fiancee you will tell her..

period....

you have no right to speak Gods covenant of marriage while with-holding life pertinant information from her..

no right on this earth...while she holds the God given right to know and to choose what she does or does not do with the information...

It is easy to believe that assualts of the affair are the physical indegressions and cause damage only when in an active phase.....but the cancerous damage of an affair is the withholding of information from the person you claim to love...

you've taken away her sovereignity and the right to choose if she still wants to enter in to a covenant with you....

you have no right to make that choice for her....
none...

You stand at a great cross roads in your life..it is your decision on this that will define you...
the path is clear to me which you must choose..

I pray that you choose wisely...
ark

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Seth, you seem to me to be a really really nice guy that made some really really bad choices.

You got derailed for awhile and now you are back on track.

While thinking of whether to tell your girl or not; think of this:
If the situation were reversed and she was the one that had a short affair, would you want her to tell YOU before the wedding?

I just have a feeling that your 'woman' will forgive you and will still want to marry you.
Would you be able to forgive her, if she were the one that had an affair?

P.S.It is good that you did not 'become one' with the OW...Kinda like Clinton I guess when he said he never had 'sex'...Without doing the 'thing' that can make babies, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> , I tend to agree it is not having 'sex'. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

However, it was BEING UNFAITHFUL TO YOUR FIANCEE!
Love, Julie <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

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seth, I want to say "Good for you!" for finding this site, making a post, and implementing MB principals BEFORE you got married. You've taken the right steps to end your affair.

About telling your fiance....Think of it this way...If you do not tell her about what happened, you are FORCING her to marry you. That's right, you are forcing her into a marriage that she may or may not want.

What do most people want out of their intimate friendship and/or marriages? They want to be loved, depsite all their faults. They want others to love them for who they truly are...not for the face they present to "most" of the world. If you enter into this marriage without telling your fiance, not only are you cheating your fiance of her freedome of choice, but you are also cheating yourself of a very basic human need.

From a betrayed spouse's point of view...the fact that the affair happened at all was very bad. But what was worse? All the lies, the deception, the omissions of truth. I am a grown-up. I am not a fragile shell. I can handle the truth. Even when I did not suspect the affair, it really truly hurt our marriage because whether he intended to or not, he acted differently with me from that day on. You will too, whether you intend to or not. Anyway, I knew SOMETHING was wrong (most of the bs's do), even though I did not know what it was. It kept me so off balance that I literally felt crazy!

None of us know your fiancee so we cannot predict how she would react. Let me tell you how I think *I* would react.

I would listen to what you had to say. I would listen to how you found this wonderful web site and how you're learning about your mistake and how you're learning to have a good and fulfilling marriage. I would listen to how you know that anyone is susceptible to an affair, BUT that there are ways to "affair-proof" and see that it is very unlikely to happen again. I would listen to you about the "no contact" letter you sent and I would be reluctantly impressed. I would be hurt, angry, and disappointed. But would have to admit to myself that you'd already taken steps to see that it doesn't happen again. I might postpone the wedding...after all, two-weeks after discovering the affair might be a little too soon. But I believe I would give the relationship a chance...would start working on those emotional needs for both partners. I would appreciate it if you pointed this site out to me, and maybe even gave me His Needs/Her Needs and Surviving an Affair as a "let's get this relationship on the right track" present.

Seth, keep us up to date. We'd like to help, if you'll let us.

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Seth, you really don't have a right to withhold this information from your fiance. If you do, you will be marrying her under false pretenses. You will be committing fraud.

She has a RIGHT to know what you have done because this involves her life too. She may well choose to end your engagement and that is HER RIGHT. You have NO RIGHT to deprive her of that choice.

To do so is cruel and manipulative beyond words. You will only be keeping her in your life WITH A LIE. She has a right to know what is going on in her own life and to whom she is getting married. To withhold this information is only compounding the cruelty.

HONESTY is the solution to adultery, not MORE LYING.

<small>[ October 03, 2004, 09:06 AM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

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If you were my fiance, Seth, I would run for my life if I knew the truth. I would never marry a man that I knew committed adultery and lied to me. I would never marry an untrustworthy man. And shouldn't that be my RIGHT to make that choice in a free country?

Do you not feel that ALL WOMEN should be free to make an informed choice about their own future? Or should that choice be made FOR THEM by a lying cheating, facist male?

Sort of like the Taliban?

Don't compound the crime, Seth, TELL HER.

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Seth -

What I read in your posts is nothing but selfishness...all about you.

My question is WHERE is the love?

If you truly love this woman than be worthy of her.

To lie to someone is not love, to lie is to use for your own selfish reasons. To lie is the opposite of love.

If you have read here enough, than you know the devastion of infidelity is in the LIEING. You keep your supposed love one in the dark for your own selfish reasons. This is the opposite of love. To love someone is to allow them to live in the LIGHT.

As Melody and the others have said, this is HER life too. Give her the choice, give her the chance to have a marriage which she deserves, one based on love, honesty and protection. You think you are protecting yourself but you are protecting no one, and killing the possibility of ever having a truly loving marriage.

We are glad you have come here to work through this, lets see if you really mean it.

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Seth....for once (OK, maybe twice or three times <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> ), I kept my 2x4's in their sleeths...I absolutely knew you would be receiving them. Sometimes it's what you need--being blind-sided by the truth. Ironic, huh? Expect the same from your STBW. Except, she hasn't been given the opportunity to know it. You hold that in your hands, on your back, and in your heart. 2 weeks, huh?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">ark said:
you have no right to speak Gods covenant of marriage while with-holding life pertinant information from her..

no right on this earth...while she holds the God given right to know and to choose what she does or does not do with the information...</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If it is not told to your STBW by you, you will be completely, 100%, consciously, basing you r STBM on LIES.

We're all saying the same here, John.

I hope you lurked for a little bit before posting. BS bring out the "best" in WS that begin to post.

I am a blessed, lucky one that used MB, used the advice given, and had a strong enough BS to work through (and will forever contiue to work through) our M.

I used the pain that was written to me and used it to my advantage.

Really, John, take advantage of them. Take advanteg of the time spent posting to you. To once again, rehash the pain that they experienced. The SAME EXACT pain you are putting your STBW through.

No. You may get a reaction from your STBW that WILL postpone it. It may bot even work out.

But it's HER decision. You're not even giving her an option.

I'm hoping your vows include God. If so, read them NOW. Turn to Him for guidance. He will see you through this.

I hope you have humbled yourself enough to be reading my post--after everyone else's.

Keep posting. Keep reading the pain.

And then, keep telling yourself, "I don't need to tell her."

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Speaking from experience, you not telling the truth about your situation will come back to haunt you...guaranateed. My stbx had an affair and we were recovering-not particularly well but recovering. I found out that he had lied to me from the beginning of our marriage. It was a huge fluke that I found out and I'm sure he didn't tell me the truth because he believed I would never find out. God does work in mysterious ways. At that point our recovery halted dead in it's tracts! It ended any hope of recovery because what little trust I had gained went out the window with no hope of returning.

Listen to me...I promise you that you will have rough times in your marriage. The only people who claim they don't go through rough times are those in denial. If during one of those rough times, she discovers this huge desception, it will kill your relationship.

This will be her mind set when she finds out-our marriage was a sham from the start. It will shake her world and she will believe that she has lived a lie. It's easier to walk away from something that had no merit to begin with. The lies will be worse than the adultery!

It's not fair to her to keep this from her. When I found out about my stbx's lies, it was how I saw him. Not a man, not a husband, not a father but a liar. I couldn't trust him anymore and regretted every second I wasted on him. I am now mad at myself for not seeing his desceptions before. I was raised that the worst things one could be is a liar or lazy and thought he had the same belief system. It shook me to my core being. Now I think if I would get a call that he was a child molestor or serial killer, I wouldn't be shocked. My thoughts on this man are that low.

I know it will be difficult to tell her but she deserves it. In the long run, she'll have more confidence in you and your relationship. She'll know that you'll be conscious of predatory women, of your behavior and of the consequences of actions. Could you really live with yourself knowing that this secret is between the two of you? Every time you hear of an instances of adultery won't your conscience be tugged? Don't you think you'll be uncomfortable? It will be a wall between you that she's not aware of. She'll know something's there but not be exactly sure what it is.

You've got two choices:
Be a man of honor and be honest.
Live a lie.

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I would make an appointment with the paster that will be marrying you and confess to your fiancee in his presence. If you aren't being married by a minister/paster/priest then I would suggest you do it with your IC. Then maybe you could be in a safe place to get immediate councel spiritually and mentally so as to help her to cope with the shock of this information.

You can express to her all your concerns, all of your remorse and the reasons why you know you couldn't marry her without her knowing this truth.

Radical Honesty is one of the very important concepts and commitments you will want at the basis of your marriage.

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No - I am being fully honest here.

NO NO NO NOT NOT NOT true... being "fully honest" means telling your fiance the truth!

My motivation for not telling her is not my selfishness, I am thinking of her. Her happiness.

THIS means you are NOT "fully out of the fog" ... this is a very foggy and dishonest way to take marriage vows. Fiance deserves an honest husband, one who does not keep "secrets" to (ahem) protect her (not)!

It is very confusing for me.

That is because you are still in the fog.

The timing is making it very difficult for me to tell her – if we weren’t getting married for some time, or had been for some time, then it would be different for me. But telling her this close to the wedding will just cause a horrendous mess.

No.... the affair caused the horrendous mess.. ..truth sheds *light* upon the mess, but truth NEVER creates the mess... more fog

I have made a terrible mistake (it still seems surreal to me that it ever happened), and I can put this behind me, learn from it, and protect her from it.

What a very selfish man you are!

I know this must sound crazy. Me telling her of the A will rip all of this to pieces. I have stopped the affair, and want to move on from it. I was in the fog. Now I’m out of it.

No, you are very VERY foggy.

This is foggy thinking:

"I will lie to my beloved fiance so we can get married happily."

"The lie won't hurt our relationship"

"Just moving on keeping fiance in the dark will be OK."

"Fiance does not deserve to make her choice about this.



I’m sorry, I just don’t know what to do right now. I am bouncing. I keep coming back to everything may ultimately be better if it is buried and forgotten, written off.

This means you begin your marriage based ON LIES!!!!

How can that be good?

Pep

Joined: Nov 1999
Posts: 1,088
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Seth,
When your new wife asks you why you are seeing an IC are you going to lie to her about that or tell her the truth, or are you planning to keep that a secret as well? Can you see how one lie here leads to more lies? Not a smart way to start a marriage.

Your OW doesn't sound like one who can be counted upon to keep a secret.

Do the right thing!

<small>[ October 03, 2004, 04:48 PM: Message edited by: mthrrhbard ]</small>

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