7 months after separation, 7 months the same old story of his; I’m the only woman he ever loved, he’s just a friend with her, never admitted A, never admitted he’s still seeing her…
He lives in an apartment now; I was just once with our son. I tried to build a kind of a friendly relationship… Several times told him he’s now free and no reason for lying, not anymore… if he were honest I would accept his ‘new life’ and be fine with… I guess he’s never admitted for he wouldn’t let me go… but kept me hoping he’d change…
Although I knew/ felt/ didn’t see ANY change…
I don’t know if I hoped… maybe… am silly/stupid enough…
Anyway, that time I was in his new place felt sad, sad, so sad… our furniture we (I) chose, dishes, glasses… (I left him everything after D… not to remind me…)
Yes, it was painful…
After that time (3-4 months ago) I never got back to that place again…
It’s been a couple of weeks we began talking very nicely… begun with talking about our son, and little by little he was more open (not that he would talk about OW ever!)…
He stated how much he loved and missed me and he’s hoping we’d be back together…
Then, I wrote a letter to OW… Yes, after 2,5 years knowing about there is OW and 1 year I was knowing who she was (she might have been with (I guess) since I was pregnant, 3 years ago…), that was the first time I ‘contacted’ her…
The letter was polite… I attached a few messages of His, he asking me what he had to do to bring us together… stating his love and wish our son will grow with his parents living together in love and happiness… (also, a part about her – “Our parents were friends and we grew up like cousins. There was never any question of me leaving you for [OW]. That is not our problem.
If you would like, I will not see/talk to [OW] or any other woman if that means that you can see me, and we can start going out for dinner and doing things together with [our son]…”
I ended the letter to her with: “As you know, He and I have our son, such a sweet cute and smart little child of ours, just 2 years and 8 months of his life, so innocent, pure and - in need for both parents...
His childhood and entire life will be affected by his parents’ doings, Now and Tomorrow... and by their decisions too...
Happiness could not be built on ruins of (especially when causing and contributing to) someone else's unhappiness...
God might bless and forgive… yet not before hurting and damaging innocent people being totally stopped…”
And I sent that letter, 1,5 months ago… No signs from either of them she received it..
Rambling? Sorry…
Well, last night we talked on the phone and we were in a good mood, joked and laughed…
He asked me to have a dinner with him Sat evening (tonight), than I asked if it meant he broke up with her…
He says – yes, it’s over (the first time he ever said differently than ‘we are just friends’!), then he says she wrote him a letter saying goodbye, after receiving my letter…!
Also, he says she was “sooo hurt” by my letter…felt sorry for our son and – left him!
Today I learnt… two messages of her:
1. “We have to talk, I have to know where we are, if ending this or not and I would NOT like to end it… please call me.”
2. “I am driving down there and hope you’ll be at home tonight”. (She lives 3 hours away.)
Huh!
(Doesn’t look she say goodbye after receiving my letter, right?)
So, I decided to go and see them… I never was spying whom he was with in that apartment where he lives.
Tonight… I don’t know what I wanted…
After more than 3 years of his denying, I guess I wanted to see it, to confirm… what? I knew I was normal and not paranoiacs as he kept saying from the first time… What did I want???
Simply, I HAD TO be there… maybe to get myself TOTALLY free… I wanted to SEE them!
And… I saw them…He’s on the first floor, I was under the open window and could hear them talking if music was not so loud… Than I moved back, behind a tree, and looking and looking, smoking cigarettes… she, on the sofa I chose for our home… he, besides her… talking… drinking… I saw his face, quite drunk… (no news here…)
I was calm… I wasn’t even blinking… I wasn’t sad… or unhappy… maybe in a weird way relieved…
I felt actually nothing…
As dead…
And I know I was not…
I took my mobile, dialed… they did not answer… I left the message “you invited me to have a dinner with you and I am here, could you please open the door.”
No picking up receiver… They just went to his bedroom… I couldn’t see it/them anymore…
(Wouldn’t surprise me he turned off the phone, he was always doing it while being with her… old habit of hiding from me… what old – the same (old) habit of his…
I stayed another 10 minutes, silent, looking empty sofa of “mine”… last looked at the bedroom door, closed behind… went to the car and drove home… and called again saying extremely calmly: “I’m now calling from home, I went to your place to tell you how much I’m happy you were honest with me last night, and how much I love and miss you… but I owe you an apology for I came when you were having company, if I knew I wouldn’t come, sorry, have a good night… and a good life too.”
It’s been now 4,5 hours I came home… Wouldn’t say it’s a shock… I feel still the same…calm… no pain… no sadness… slow pulse… almost not moving (before this typing)… Nothing!
And I know I am not dead…
All I can is just promise to myself, I will be alive Tomorrow too…
Very Alive!
