What exactly is a 180??? I have been to divorce busting.com and have bought the book divorce busting, but I cant find anything that explains what a 180 is? Can someone please explain this to me...Thanks!

Michelle Weiner Davis's divorce busting 180 degree list:

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic.
23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.

--------------------

Be careful with some of these items. I tried to do some of these and my WW thought I was still freaking out like most BS do. She would say I was acting weird and would just go off and do my own thing. It really didn't work.

I am not saying they all won't work but just don't expect them all to be effective.

Just_Friends_NOT

momto3boys...I wrote you a 'thank you' way down on the thread "Do you think this is true?"

Again...thanks...I like learning new ways of doing things, on the computer!
Well, other areas of life also! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Love, Julie <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> WOW, what a list! BT, I will check out that thread! Beliver thank you for the list. I have been doing much of those, except this week has been exctremely stressful with my dad and me traveling so much. Not home much at all...BUT, I found out OW and WH are talking a lot while I am gone. This really, ummm, how can I put this mildly, makes me MAD!

here I am spending time with my dying dad, turning to my alien, while he is turning to his OW! he was doing so well! He is so fogged out right now. I have him sleeping in the guest room until he can come back to earth.

I wont kick him out. I cant right now. I need him home with the boys so I can visit my dad and go about my business. We are still in counceling, although he tries to get out of that one too. I am at a loss and I honestly dont think this will ever work. Especially now. anyway, I will try these 180's for a while! See what happens.

mom,

I saw Michelle at the Smart Marriage conference. One of the foundations of her approach to counseling is that "when something is NOT working...STOP DOING IT!" She says people get into these patterns of interaction that repeat themselves over and over again changing NOTHING. So the above list is JUST A GUIDELINE, and only important AS IT RELATES TO YOU. Remember, if it ain't broke...don't fix it. The the things to use the 180 on are the ones that don't work to help you or get a negative reaction from your husband....and only you know what those are. (For instance, if you usually exercise and dress nicely...don't change that!) The idea of a 180 is to make fundamental changes in the things that aren't helping and in the way you relate to your husband so that it shakes up the status quo. If you call alot...you stop calling. If you usually yell and scream....whisper instead. If you say I love you all the time....you stop saying it. If you stay home alot, start going out with your girlfriends. If you shop often....start saving money. If you weep, mope or sulk alot....you do whatever it takes to find your own source of happiness that doesn't revolve around him so that you don't appear needy and morose. And so on and so on.

What does all of this do? Well it puts a spouse who thinks you're predictable off guard and unable to predict what you'll do. It shows that you are capable of change....and if you can change this much....that the changes he might be looking for are possible. It puts you on the offensive rather than defensive and shifts the balance of power in your favor a bit. It keeps you from looking like a doormat and makes it impossible for him to get the same reactions from you that he expects. It makes you look more attractive because you're not acting like an emotional wreck...you're more in control of the situation and you aren't chasing him or putting up with his garbage.

<small>[ October 03, 2004, 11:30 AM: Message edited by: star*fish ]</small>

HI star! Thank you for your reply! I am not sure what I WAS doing that wasn't good enough for him. I tried to put him at the top of the list. I didn't question him one bit. I assumed he was calling her and I was fine with that for a while. You see, OW claims she has hypertension <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> yea right. We all know that is a crock. The alien believes everything she says. He claims he needs to call her to check up on the PG! sure dear whatever you say. If he threw me a line of something off the wall, I would usually respond with something like "ok, whatever you say" and go on to the next subject. I never brought up R or the A. I wouldn't question his whereabouts or if he has talked to her...

OK, something happened this week that made me flip. I have been going to San Antonio twice a week to see my dad and help out there. I found out the alien is calling her A LOT while I am gone! This does not sit well with me. SHE is calling him at night. SHE knows I am out of town. Why the hell does she need to know that, and furthermore, HOW does she know this??? The alien has made is be known to her. WHY???? WHY??? I ask him....Why does she need to know that I am out of town visitng MY father! Why does she even need to know about my father? It is none of her damn business...

OK, so can you tell I am a bit bittter right now...Well, I started to question him on it. EAch time I get a "ok, whatever, this just isn't going to work...we mine as well just D..." hmmm, well dear NO, it is NOT going to work out this way, not as long as you continue in your destructive pattern and continue to contact OW! I also found out he stopped by to see her on Friday. He was gone a loooong time and was taking a loooong time to get home from work. so I called him, asked him what was taking so long? he said he stopped to eat and get a fuse at the auto parts store. I then said "did you stop to see her" SILENCE!!! "are you denying it" he says "no, I am not denying it" I said "and why did you need to stop and see her" "because I haven't seen her in a while and I wanted to see how the pregnancy is going" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

But dont you talk to her for hours a day??? yea, that one made a lot of sense! OH, but the next morning, after I made him sleep in the guest room, he was all lovey dovey towards me. All over me, saying he was TRYING to stop calling her! he also said that if I would have SF with him it would help! WHAT??? wait a minute, you want me to have SF with YOU while you are still contacting OW! sorry, bubba, no can do! also, he may have an STD! he was tested but needs to be retested in a few weeks!

So, that is where we are...things WERE settling down a bit! things were goning forward, but NOW, NOW, he has relapsed. I just dont think this is ever gong to work.

What if I just so happen to have lunch with an old MALE friend from San Antonio while I am in town???

mom,

I heard a profound quote the other day that I think relates to your situation.

"What we tolerate, will not change."

Your situation is intolerable, and yet you tolerate it...therefore ensure it doesn't change.

I'm convinced that one reason you DO tolerate it, is because you are an extremely strong and loving person who doesn't buckle under adversity. Strange how that strength has become your undoing! Because you are who you are....you have endured far more than you should. I've seen your picture...you are beautiful too...and your boys are absolutely adorable. All of you deserve a better life than this. Your husband actually needs you FAR more than you need him. He is the weak one...and sadly, you enable his weakness instead of helping him be strong too. It's the curse of strong women....I know....I'm one too. I also endured far more than I should have...simply because I COULD.

The only 180 strategy that I can see working for you at this point....is sadly the only strategy you don't seem willing to use...a full out, complete, totally dark, Plan B with an intermediary and NO CONTACT at all until he has proven by consistent action that he is willing to truly put an end to this torture. I don't see any other course of action that preserves your dignity and plays to your strength instead of feeding his weakness. He tells her that you are out of town because he knows he CAN and he is used to his weaknesses being indulged and tolerated. The day will arrive when your fear of losing him will not be as great as your fear of living this travesty. When that day comes....you will act with certainty and resolve. I look forward to being present on that day mom....because I really do care about you.

(((((((((((((((((mom))))))))))))))))))))

I still think that selling your home and moving to San Antonio should be an option for you to help you end this madness. That would make reality really have to set in for your WH.

It seems like he really wants to have some sick bygamist lifestyle. He certainly would freak out if you really did go out with an OM. Sometimes a dose of that seems to help...but it isn't the best way to do this. It is a bit too Tit for Tat. I think you will be better served by continuing to be the one with moral integrity and values.

By your H saying that he would change his behavior if you would give SF....that should tell you that he probably is still looking to her to provide that....like when he was so late on that Friday.

The only time your H responds it when you appear to get a backbone and stop enabling this addictive A. OC or no OC, he does not need to be in any contact with this OW or the OC when he/she is born. You need to project down the road and see just what you want your life to look like. Do you really want contact with that OW forever. Do you want your boys to have to deal with her as well as this OC. How confusing will that be?

I don't think Noisgirl's choice of lifestyle sounds that attractive. It sounds like a royal mess. If you continue the way you are going it sounds like your life could go the same way. What a pickle.

MT3B,
Here is a summary of a book that seems to follow similar principles to the 180 approach:

The Solo Partner


Chapter 1 The Pain of Change
Put pain to constructive use to resolve your relationship problems.
The only person you can directly change is yourself.
By changing yourself, you can indirectly change your partner.
The key to change is maintaining effort.

Chapter 2 Self-Deception: Our Inner Enemy
Accept responsibility.
We deceive ourselves by overlooking, rationalizing, justifying.
False hope is the belief that the cause of and solution to our predicament rests outside us.
We become open to change after a period of hopelessness.
Emotional reactivity is progressive.

Realization is when we begin to focus not on our partners but on ourselves.
Before realization, we have a complacent, unrealistically hopeful attitude.
With realization, we liberate ourselves from self-deception. This involves grieving, and these are the feelings involved:
1) Denial: this can’t really be happening.
2) Anger: hurt; anger directed at partner; why was I so stupid?
3) Despair: unhappiness as we feel the full weight of the loss of our dream; self-doubt, loneliness, and fatigue.
4) Acceptance: stronger sense of personal responsibility; no longer see ourselves as innocent victims.
The last glimmer of false hope has been extinguished.

By seeing through our own self-deceptions and facing any personal shortcomings, we upset the status quo in our relationship.

Chapter 3 Emotional Reactivity: An Endless Cycle in Troubled Marriages
Act: something we do of our own volition
React: behave in opposition to our natural behavior or in response to pressure from someone else

Pattern for emotional reactivity:
1) Emotional triggers can lead to a reaction based solely on immediate emotional impulses and without thought of future consequences.
2) The partner needs to be drawn in; baiting can then occur and the provoker is satisfied by the response.
3) Escalation occurs when each partner focuses on the other. The goal is not to resolve an issue. It is to hurt, defy, spite, attack, defend, patronize, or provoke.
4) Recovery may not happen.

Nonengagement starves emotional reactivity.
High emotional reactivity will shut down communication and low reactivity will open it up.

Stages in the process of change:
1) What needs changing is identified, and an alternative behavior is planned.
2) When the situation comes up, the behavior is the same.
3) The situation is recognized, but the behavior is the same.
4) The situation is recognized, and the alternative behavior is followed.

Keep your plan and goal to yourself.

When your partner starts a reactive exchange, identify the baiting behavior. People usually have only about 6 – 10 baiting behaviors.

Chapter 4 Being Defensive: The Illusion of Self-Protection
Being defensive is one of the ways we cover up certain of our recurrent behaviors rather than trying to change them, and denial is one of our most common mechanisms. Our defensiveness keeps us from seeing ourselves realistically, in spite of he feedback we receive about our need to change. Denial followed by attack moves the focus off ourselves and onto our partners, so that we can see their every shortcoming, and none of our own.

Once we are defensive, we see all information as threatening and attacking. We cannot distinguish between a valid complaint and a hostile retaliation. We do not evaluate the truthfulness of the message but rather dismiss the criticism so that we are protected from immediate emotional discomfort. Interpretations and assumptions are made that support what we want to hear rather than what was actually said. If some information was taken in, it is explained away, simply denied, or the subject is changed. Then we counterattack and escalate.

Your real power for improvement lies in unraveling your own defensive mechanisms. Try to accept that there will be pain when you start coming to terms with the truth of what is being said to you, and remember that you will benefit in the long run. If a criticism was accurate, the fastest way to get over your pain is to start working on changing the criticized behavior. Observe, listen, and reflect, rather than automatically dismissing, blaming, or attacking the messenger.

Chapter 5 Togetherness: Balancing “I” and “We”
The ideal balance is for the partners to develop an ability to act together as well as apart, and to feel part of a “we” without feeling they are giving up their individuality and uniqueness. When agreements are forced, it often means no longer expressing true feelings because doing so would leave the person open to attack or ridicule. This in turn leads to resentment. True “I” statements are made as an action and are open to new information and input from others. Reactive “I” statements are made to defy, hurt, spite, placate, manipulate, or intimidate the other person or to defend oneself.

When people do not respect each other’s opinions, the thing they have the right opinion and try to force that opinion on others. Real communication ends as both attack each other’s opinions and defend their own. The key is to learn to express our opinions while not defending ourselves against attack. By not defending yourself against attack, you alone can create an atmosphere where differences will at least be tolerated and at best will enrich both lives. There is an old saying – “Never answer an angry word with an angry word – it is the second word that makes the quarrel.”

No victory can come from intimidating someone into agreeing with you. No victory comes from keeping silent and giving in to placate your partner. If you lie either to yourself or your partner about who you really are, both you and your relationship will suffer.

The key to success lies in confronting yourself and in not confronting your partner. Long-lasting improvement in any relationship comes more from changing negative behavior than from expressing negative feelings.

You will need to learn how to express you opinion as a subjective view rather than as an absolute truth. When you find yourself under attack, concentrate on not defending your opinion; simply state your view and say nothing more. Do not explain why you feel this way, or answer your partner’s charges, or try to reason with or persuade him. Nothing more needs to be said or done. Your opinion is simply a statement of what you think, feel or believe. Always keep in mind that your goal is to express and respect your mutual differentness. Learn to state your position without being drawn into an argument.

The stages of success are:
1) a mutual cessation of attack or retaliation when differences emerge
2) each of you are more open to the differences between you
3) a mutual respect for your differences will emerge.

Chapter 6 Dealing with “Who is to Blame?”
Blame is most frequently communicated in the form of “you” statements, such as “Why did you” and often implies that the partner had ulterior motives or intentionally did something injurious. Laying blame will always cause a reaction.

Assume that each of us is responsible for our own actions. Trying to force your partner to see his own faults will only worsen the relationship. When we focus on ourselves and work on our own problems, our life with our partner improves. It is counterproductive to vent. Release your feelings on another way. Learn to not react to your partner’s retaliations, no matter how provocative and malicious they seem to be.

Decide ahead of time what point you want to convey. Plan to convey that point in a nonreactive way by making brief “I” statements. Stay away from statements about what your partner is doing to you. Instead, concentrate on what you have allowed to be done to you. Focus on specific behaviors rather than a condemnation of your partner in general. Take responsibility for change where it can have some positive outcome.

Learn to identify the area in which your partner blames you and observe exactly what is said and how it is said. Before you react, try to understand what part is truly your own responsibility. Then try to distinguish between what your partner is blaming you for and what you are responsible for. Never try to convince your partner to accept your view; never ridicule or attack your partner in reaction to a provocation. If your partner reacts, say nothing. Not reacting to blame is what will ultimately reach your partner. It’s OK to say “I don’t want to talk anymore right now. I’m too upset.”

Chapter 7 Using Your Anger Constructively
What to do with anger?
1) Express it, and the result is reactive confrontations or alienation from partner
2) Do not vent it, and you are drained emotionally and physically

What are forms of anger?
1) Shouting or screaming
2) Not saying anything
3) Bodily reactions
4) Delayed behavior
5) Tone of voice

Different stages of anger:
1) Unresolved anger can turn into resentment and then bitterness
2) There is a need for a reactive encounter regardless of future consequences
3) The reactive infection stage
4) Escalation

A common source of anger is our expectations. There are three things you can do:
1) Smolder in your anger
2) Lower your unmet expectations
3) Leave the relationship
If you lower your expectations, you can honestly reevaluate both your relationship and yourself. You need to deal with reality. When you lower your expectations, you also must see your own faults as well and move toward a solution. By focusing on your own shortcomings, you can learn that your partner has a great deal of justification for his complaints. The less we expect of our partners (and the more we expect of ourselves), the more we receive. When an attitude of “expect nothing, get nothing” dominates a relationship, people stop doing something for their partner unless it is angrily demanded.

Nothing constructive comes from out-of-control anger. Start thinking along the lines that your partner may not change. The focus then shifts from your partner to yourself. Then you reach the point of realization where you begin to find solutions to your problems. Your pain is due to the death of your self-deception. Work at getting behind the anger to the hurt, disappointment, and finally the loss you feel. When you accept this loss, you will also eliminate your anger. The bigger the fantasy and the longer it was held, the more time it is likely to take to give it up.

Having accepted that the problem is not going to go away, you must ask yourself what you are going to do about it and whether you are willing to settle for this situation.
It is easier to vent at the partner than to look at your own shortcomings. We may try dealing with reality, but reality will deal with us.

Chapter 8 Pursuit and Distance Between Partners
The pursuer seeks togetherness at the expense of personal autonomy and individuality. She feels emotionally secure only when her life revolves around others. The distancer feels crowded. She emotionally pursues him by wanting to know what he feels, wanting resolution of their problem, and wanting it at once. Concurrently, he distances himself emotionally from her, seeking space to think about it, hoping the problem will go away by itself or that she will wait until he comes up with a solution in his own time and way. For every step she takes toward him, he moves one away from her.

The pursuer gives up and looks for other ways to fill the emptiness. The distancer’s self-centeredness and isolation lead to boredom and emptiness. He also seeks ways to relieve his discomfort. Pursuit and distancer problems often start when a legal or emotional commitment is made to the marriage. The pursuer needs to acknowledge the gap between her expectations and reality.

Both pursuit and distance are reactive behaviors which become progressively worse over time, unless one partner’s efforts succeed in putting a stop to them. Change will be initiated by the person who is most uncomfortable. He will change only when he fears losing the pursuer. Distancers tend to change in direct proportion to how much their pursuers modify their pursuit.

These are the pursuer’s options:
1) continue the pursuit in the hope of emotionally engaging the partner; this is a fantasy which ultimately leads to frustration, exhaustion, and emotional bankruptcy
2) separate
3) stop pursuing

Pursuers are addicted to togetherness and the need to stay in a relationship – even a bad one. They settle for very little and express their disappointment, frustration, and anger in hostile, critical ways. They become responsible for other people’s problems. This caretaking can become manipulative and controlling, and can backfire because people resist efforts to change them. They find it easy to blame others.

Pursuer can only reach the distancer by distancing herself from him – emotionally and physically. The only way to catch a distancer is to be more distance than he is.


Chapter 9 Stopping Pursuit: Guidance for Pursuers

Never pursue a distancer. Do as little as possible for him and with him, with the goal of doing absolutely nothing. Learn how to fill your life in new ways, seeking other people who will meet your emotional needs. You will be forced to develop some emotional autonomy. Change your expectations and give up the pursuit. Your improvement can occur only after your illusion of finding happiness and completeness through someone else collapses. Pursuers tend to follow, but distancers tend to procrastinate, so it is up to the pursuer to make changes.

Hi mom2,

I'm a lurker here and have followed your story since the beginning. I'm glad you posted again since I have wondered how things were going for you. I assumed you just took the good advice of "going dark," since I too agree that this is the wisest path for you to follow since your H is not committed to protecting you and your children from additional pain.

When I found out about my H's A, it was already dwindlng down to nothing on his side, though she was still going after him. So, have never been in your shoes with a waffling WS. He was immediately remorseful and we began the long, hard road of recovery.

After reading of your sitch, if I were you, I would file for divorce asap and get the maximum child support for your three children. You know the OW is going to go for it and when that happens, you may not be able to get as much for your children (possibly.)

I think that the fact that your father is dying and you must be there for him and that your WS continues to add insult to injury during this time in your life is beyond comprehension and even sadistic. But only you can decide to put a stop to it by removing yourself from further injury.

By the way, you could have lunch with your old San Antonio friend, but I'd say to wait until after the divorce. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Mom,
If you REALLY want to do a 180---find a place to live in San Antonio. Get a legal agreement from your STILL WH for financial support, take your boys and GO! Be there for your dad. Let your H pull his head out.

YOU are ALLOWING this A to continue. Is the preganancy proven? I am a little behind on your situation. You need to get out of this situation asap. Your H is way too comfy.

Your brief Plan B worked last time, you just didn't have a plan that ensured NC and checks in place.

PLEASE take a stand!