Today started off not so bad. My WH worked on the computer to get it up and running again. He watched some football then we ordered some takeout. My youngest son is still at my mom's house for the weekend. We didn't argue all day we pretty much got along. Then tonight he started ironing his clothes and folding them neatly and said he had to go.

He came over and laid on the bed. Said he needed to get away and had to do this. Said that the reason he has been doing some of the things he has been doing is the fact that he doesn't care about me like he should. Said he also feels I don't care about him so what was the use. I told him I am not the one doing these things to him. I have always loved and supported him. He said he doesn't feel like I listen. That he kinda blames me for not being able to do what he needs to do regarding his dreams of becoming a writer/artist. That he feels he needs to get away to clear his head. Get a second job and start doing what he needs to do.

He kept saying he was sorry. I tried to be strong but I ended up breaking down. He finished packing his bag and pretty much left. He called a few times at first I ignored him then I answered his call. He said he was sorry that he felt it was time to do this. He also told me earlier that he knew he needed to end things with the OW because he was trying to find happiness in a another person instead of working on his ideas and stuff. That he was tired of the high cellphone bills and stuff. I told him I heard that many times and also now that he is gone is pretty much can call her anytime he wants and talk as long as he wants.

I asked him where he was gonna go he said probably to the office and study and work on his drawings. He said don't worry about him to focus on myself. Yeah my husband just walks out on me and I am suppose to be ok with it.

I am ok now. Earlier I broke down and cried for a long time. I know I will miss him so much. But I have done everything I can do. But now I am left with the kids and the job of explaining to them about why daddy isn't around anymore. I know when my three year old gets home he will be very hurt.

Just keep me in your prayers. I know this stress is not good for me or the baby. And I know I can't give in to my stress and depression. I have to find a way to keep moving.

I'm very sorry that you must go through this drama while pregnant. Please try your best to take care of yourself. Your H's responses, explanation and rationalizations sound very familiar, in fact he isn't saying anything I havent said or read her a 100 times. Please donot internalize this silly fogspeak. He blames you for his need for space, says garbage like he never loved you, the M was never right blah blah blah...the fact of the matter is, his emotional or physical connections/disrtractions ie affairs are what derailed your M.

I know that you are in an extremely vulnerable position during your pregnancy and I sypmathize with your sitch, but I can't help but feel your H's leaving may actually help matters. How can anyone of decency turn their back on their pregnant W? Please do not look at the last 24 hours or you M to be the final chapter; IT IS NOT! It's is so far from over. Take some deep breaths, seek support from loved ones and believe that this is all a process. The fact of the matter is no one is better equipped at being your H's WIFE than YOU...and vice-versa, the rest is fog and hormones.

God Bless your baby! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I agree with FM...it is just fog talking...WS talk like that...when the fog clears then he will come back...give him the separation that he feels he needs...but continue to plan A and look after yourself well...

SML - I'm so sorry you are going through this, but you will survive. I can tell by your posts how much stronger you have gotten in these last few months. It's going to be hard but in some ways easier. Just take care of yourself and the baby.

Hugs and prayers. Keep strong for that baby!

HINY

I haven't posted to you before but I have been reading your story. Just wanted to know that I'm thinking of you and saying a prayer for your peace and happiness. Hang in there!

SML, don't know what to say either (bet your tired of reading that). there are pros and cons to everything and right now you need to look at him moving out as a "pro" meaning it it what is necessary for your M to be rebuilt (eventually).

Adversity in our lives happens for a reason and God can see us through anything, prayers to you, RR

As tough as things appear right now, you must be the adult in your relationship...3 children are depending on you for stability. Your 9 year old stepson must be very abandoned...he will view this as another parent's rejection and surely blame himself. Ask your family and husband's family for their support in the coming months. Your hands will be full with a new baby and I'm sure that they will all be concerned for you. As painful as it is, try to put your husband out of your thoughts and concentrate on your own well-being. You can do nothing about his immaturity and unwillingness to be there for you. In time, he may grow up but I wouldn't count on it. Be strong and make certain that he provides some financial support. And no matter how hectic and worrying your days may be, consider yourself the lucky one because you will have the blessing of your children. You are in my thoughts.

Your H is right, this is a great opportunity for you to work on yourself. You've been putting your life on hold, waiting for your marriage to get better, before you put your interests first.

I found so many excuses to not work on myself as an individual while pregnant. Your H being gone could be an opportunity for you to heal more quickly as an individual.

Please, get the book Divorce Remedy! There are so many terrefic approaches to solving problems for those of us who are separated. It's amazing.

Do not beg, guilt, or pressure your spouse to come home. Give your H his space. Be pleasent when you talk to him but do not initiate any conversations. Do not talk to him about your relationship. Get busy, plan a lot of activities to do without H. Meet up with old friends.

I have heard the comment of, "how can someone do this to their pregnant wife." Well, often the additional stress of a pregnancy is a trigger for an A. Personally, I view cheating on a pregnant woman as the same thing as cheating on the mother or father of your children. Of course, this is because it was so easy to over indulge in the, poor me I am pregnant and my H isn't taking care of me pity party.

Sad, you know how strong and sexy you are. Your H is an idiot right now, and that sucks but its ok. You'd prefer him to not be an idiot, but you understand that you can't change him. He needs to find his way by himself. What he needs more than anything else is to see how strong and independent you are.

Seriously, get that book! Divorce Remedy! It'll help you think of the separation as an opportunity.

Thanks for all your support and prayers. This is very hard but I know I will be ok. I miss him already. Knowing nobody is coming home to me tonight, that I will be sleeping alone and just not having him to talk to and be around really makes me sad.

His sister called me today asking how I was doing. Said he explained to her that he feels he cannot talk to me and that I don't understand him. As if that is a reason to leave someone. Also said he feels OW understands him and listens. But then gets very defensive with her about the fact that this is not about the OW. Said that I keep telling everyone it is. I don't feel it's all about her but I know that a lot of it is. He acts like she is just a person he chats with. So it's ok to have a buddy you sleep next to in bed, kiss, hug, fondle and whatever else. And your wife is suppose to understand and be ok with it and not think it's about her in any way.

He called at my job today. I didn't say much just yes and no to his questions. Then a long silence and then he said bye. What does he expect? He leaves and I am suppose to be ok with it and act like nothing is wrong. I told my three year old earlier that daddy will be away for awhile staying at his aunts house. He said no ... Daddy loves me... I said yes he does but he has to go away for a little while. It broke my heart.

I hope my husband uses this time away to truly think about things and get his head on straight. I truly hope he finally is able to stop calling the OW. Which I don't see happening. I for one am trying to keep busy and focus on things but there are moments I just break down and cry. I was doing so good today until I heard his voice. Then the whole drive home I was a mess.

I just hope one day he realizes the damage he has done and the one person that loved him so very much he hurt and disrespected.

Being eight months pregnant and having 2 other children here I don't know if I can do plan B right now... Do you think I should just try to do plan A if he comes around??

He has called three times today. Once when I was going to work but I didn't pick up.. Once at the office and now at home. He asked how everything was going. Told me he applied for a few night jobs where he works and talked to the boys. Then he said I'll see you this weekend.. I said maybe... It's like he wants space during the week but wants to come home on the weekends... Should I just go along with this for now to give him the space he wants? Also I am able to see his cell minutes and stuff. He says he isn't worried about calling her and stuff that he has more important things to worry about. If I find he is still calling her I will know for sure this is all just him trying to get away from me and our marriage. Plus if he is going to contact her still for hours on a daily basis then when he comes around on the weekend I will make sure I am not here. I don't want to be his woman on the weekend and her during the week... I will not settle for that crap... It just upsets me everytime he calls. I don't intend to call him or anything. If he calls me fine I will be kind but I will not talk about us and the conversation will be kept at minimum.

He is so deep into this fog and sounds like he is trying to pull his sister into it. EVERYTHING he is saying sounds so similar to what my WH said. In our case I really believe him moving out was what we needed, although 4 months ago I didn't think that or see how I would get through it. I have a letter that he wrote me right after D-Day telling me how happy OW made him and a bunch of other stuff, funny he never did seem happy after he left. He still doesn't seem very happy to me. I didn't know about MB back then and was a mess, now it's so obvious that it was all fog talk.

Your situation is far from hopeless. I think he will finally see the mess he has created now that he has left. Keep the focus on you and the children right now.

What a selfish person. Leaving his pregnant wife? That's completely irresponsible and cruel. I'm sorry but there is no excuse for his behavior and blaming you for his inability to focus on his future plans? What a fogged out mess he is!

It's not your fault but that's no comfort to you. My first angry reaction is to call him a bunch of names but I'll control myself. ugh! What's wrong with these fathers?

Tonight has been rough. I feel so alone. I can't get him out of my head. Wondering what he is doing... If he is thinking of us. If he is calling her... Arghhhhh

((((((SML))))))

I am so sorry. I have been in your exact shoes, and it is so hard. Try to remember that anything he says right now is a complete crock of doggydoodoo, but it still hurts...

It took awhile before I could sleep well. I let the kids sleep with me for awhile. It helped us all feel better and connected. We sleep with our babies, so it's not unusual for them to find their way into our huge bed sometimes. They are always welcome. Anyway, that helped us at first.

I also completely stopped all caffeine (I used to drink black tea twice a day) and that helped to reduce my anxiety level. Do you have a pregnancy yoga class nearby? That will also make you feel wonderful! I usually was crying by the end when we do the "affirmation" meditations at the end of class. It was really good for me.

Make sure, too, that you get some time just for you, SML. Even if it's just to grocery shop alone or whatever. I treasure my time at work now, too, away from the kids. I was put on disability at the end of my pregnancy due to extreme stress and depression (he moved out a week before I delivered), and was so cooped up at home I thought I would scream. Friends and family helped me and God carried me through each hour of that hell.

It does get better, though. I am so much stronger and organized now. I'm proud of what I can do, and appreciate my children even more than usual!!! This will take some time, so hang in there!!

SML - I know how you are feeling, the first few days are hard. But you will get through this. I think you said you are going to do some scrap booking? If so, get working on that this week. Keeping busy is key to getting through this week. I've been working on a cross stitch pillow. It's very slow progress and takes concentration but it keeps me busy in the evenings. Plus when I'm done, I have a Christmas present for my Mom!

Find out if he is still planning on coming home this weekend. If so make plans and go out and he can babysit the kids. At least go treat yourself to a manicure and a pedicure.

Part of me resents him for leaving me especially at what is suppose to be a happy time. And I don't want to talk to him. The other part misses him and wants to talk to him.

I don't know if I should just do plan B or plan A. I was thinking if he comes home on the weekends maybe that is my chance to show him I am changing and working on being a better wife, mother and person. Maybe this is the time to show him what he is missing out on. Another part of me feels like if he comes home on the weekend he will get his feel of the kids and me and not really want to come back eventually full time. So I was thinking maybe I should do plan B... I am confused right now.. And just need to think this through.. Maybe I will try plan A for a few weeks.. If no changes then I will go to plan B.

My husband is staying with his sister tonight. She called asking if I heard from him and said she didn't know where he was at. So I called his cellphone and got the usual beep that said he was on the line with someone else. So I told him his sister was looking for him. Then I said I wish you wouldn't lie to me and say you aren't going to talk with her when you really are... Then he said didn't know I couldn't talk to people. I said goodnight and hung up not giving him a chance to say anything else. I am just tired of this crap... He says stuff like I need to focus on what really matters or I don't have time for that (calling her) anymore. I think he says this stuff just to make himself believe it but then breaks down and does it... I cannot accept this anymore. So if he wants her so bad let him have her. Throughout our whole marriage I have loved and supported him and look what I get in return...

Anyways... I took a bubble bath earlier and I will probably just go to bed soon. I usually put the kids to bed around 8:30 or so .. That way I can get some time to myself. But sometimes time isn't good when you can't get your mind off of what is going on around you.

Kloe,
I did pick up some cross stich projects at the dollar store. They are cute Christmas projects. I figured I could work on them and give them away as gifts. Also I have so many unfinished crafts that I can work on. Just can't seem to focus just yet though. The next few weeks will be hard but I know I will make it. Only 8 weeks till the baby is due. I can't wait to see her.

Argghhhh.. I tried sleeping but I just can't seem to fall asleep... I just keep thinking about how a man that said he loved me and treated me so good all these years could just up and leave like I am nothing.

What really makes me angry is the fact that it's ok to leave and hurt the kids and me. But heaven forbid he cannot hurt the OW by telling her NC. I actually called to tell him goodnight.. I know I shouldn't even bothered but I did... I still got the beep and he didn't click over... He was talking with her again. I left a message pretty much saying we are not going to have a relationship where it's her during the week and me during the weekend. That I didn't appreciate him lying to me and saying he wasn't going to call OW that he needed to focus on what really mattered then continue to do it...

How do they make it ok in their heart and soul to continue to do what they are doing no matter the hurt? No matter if it is wrong or not... Whatever.. I am so tired of her and him disrespecting me. I guess it's just the kids and me now... Time to let him go ... Guess one day maybe he will wake up and realize he is wrong.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by SadMarylandLady:
<strong>
How do they make it ok in their heart and soul to continue to do what they are doing no matter the hurt? No matter if it is wrong or not... Whatever.. I am so tired of her and him disrespecting me. I guess it's just the kids and me now... Time to let him go ... Guess one day maybe he will wake up and realize he is wrong. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">SML, I wish I knew the answer to that one! Of course, I don't know if an answer would make any of us BS's feel any better about our situations.

All I wanted to say is I feel your pain. No one deserves this kind of treatment, and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy (well, maybe I'd consider wishing it on OW just so she can see how horrible she's helping H make me feel). Please hang in there. Make yourself some tea, preferably something that will help you get to sleep, and know that this hurts like hell, but it's not going to kill you. And it's not going to kill any of the rest of us, either. I promise. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I know you don't think you can do Plan B right now, which I can understand. And Plan A seems to really be wearing at you right now and frankly isn't cutting through your WH's fog. Have you considered the 180 approach? Below is the list. This is sort of what I have been doing and it seems to be working.

Michelle Weiner Davis's divorce busting 180 degree list:

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic.
23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.