I need some advice on the NC letter. WW was in EA with an ex in her home state. We decided to work on the M and she has said NC with the OM. I have no proof of a final goodbye, but have been monitoring her cell phone and email and there has been nothing for over 2 weeks. We talked the other night and both agreed we had a good two weeks together. I have been trying to meet her EN's and giving, giving, giving. Things are better, but I am still afraid. She is reluctant to continue MC. I haven't really brought up the NC letter in about 3 weeks because I don't want to tick her off and back track. I know this sounds stupid.

She is also going back to her home state (very near OM) for family time and a friend's wedding. Also taking our 2.5 D. This has been planned much before D-day. No problem before, now I am worried. My MIL is on board with me about NC when WW is gone. I have already stated to WW that I want to go to wedding; a husband needs to be with W at a wedding. She wants to use it as girl time with her friends. OK, but I am afraid of the other week she is at home very near OM. OM is not married and has never given her up.

Should I insist on NC letter before she goes on trip even though she has said she already ended it? Should I be worried about "pushing" her away by asking for this after we have made progress? What if she refuses to send letter? I can write it and have her read and sign it if she agrees. Should I trust her now, even though I am justified not to? Thanks,

Jmash

Yes jmash, I think you should insist the NC letter. It doesn’t matter that she says she has already ended the A, the NC letter is primarily to show you and OM that she means business in wanting to recover your marriage. She must make it clear to him that she’s no longer interested, especially as he is single and doesn’t have anything to lose in pursuing your W.

The WSs willingness or unwillingness to write a NC letter can prove to be a real eye-opener, as to where they are really at, in letting the A go. If she refuses to send it, you will at least know the real measure of your progress. It really shouldn’t be a problem if the A is truly over. IMO it is helpful to cross this bridge ASAP. I know you feel that bringing this up will rock the boat, but it is best to get it over with, so that you can move on.

I also think that you should accompany your wife on her trip, if only for your own peace of mind. I don’t think it is much to ask of your wife, to forgoe her girl time with her friends. It’s the least she can do, considering what you’ve been through. Perhaps you can explain how much this will help to regain your trust in her. There will always be other times she can spend with her friends, once you are feeling safer.

As for trusting your W, this can only be done once trust has been earned. I think it is best not to trust until you feel your W has been consistently trustworthy for quite some time. Unfortunately this is a time when a BS must hold on to suspicion and remember the WS is not themselves. The fog is very real and lasting, it can be a long time before the WS comes back to earth. Perhaps your W is already back. I really hope so.

Would it also help if I wrote an email to the OM saying that we have decided to work on our M? I know that the OM was wondering what I would do when he found out that I found out. This was in one of his emails. It seems like if I respectfully ask him to back off, he may see that he is contributing to breaking a home and second guess his actions. Thanks, Jmash.

I think the respectful email to OM is a good idea.

Why can't you go with your wife and hang out with her friends together? Isn't that what marriage is all about? Sharing in fun times is part of recovery. I have to agree with Horizon on this one.

The fact that she doesn't want you to go has me wondering about her sincerety.

The wedding is actually in another state (3 states involved here). She has a road trip planned with a friend and the friend's mom. I can give her the benefit of the doubt that this road trip to the wedding is "girl time." However, if I ask her if I can come spend time with her, her family and our D before the wedding, and she says no, that tells me she doesn't want me there for a reason. Why? Contact with OM, time for thinking, planned separation even though she says she doens't want one now that we are working on M??? I think it raises red flags. I'm not sure what I am going to do. Letting my D go with WW alone is probably not the best idea. It almost feels that her committment to work on the M was just to get me to back off so I will let her go on this trip. Just speculating, but some times I feel like this. If she refuses a NC letter, then this tells me more. Any advice would be much appreciated. Jmash

One more enigma. My WW is actually showing some affection towards me. She has initiated several pecks on my cheek lately and has not shrugged me away when I rub her neck or shoulders. This is good, however, I'm still getting mixed signals with her not wanting to go to MC. Is this type of back and forth common in rebuilding?