Well, it's been two weeks since D-day. Only one week since OW told H that she was never going to speak to him again. So, when he came home from work on Friday, we talked about the A a bit more and what we need to work on in the M.

He identified the A as a fling because it only lasted 2 months and the physical part was only one time. We identified the things that led up to him having the A and what parts we both played in it.

I asked him what the A meant to him and these were the responses he gave:

-"It was not deep for me."
-"I am over it already."
-"It did not mean anything to me."
-"I have compartmentalized it and it is done."
-"It was just sex."

Seem like typical responses from a WS? He really is acting like he is over it and still doesn't want to talk about it. The thing that bugs me is that I want him to show some sort of remorse or guilt to me about what he did. All I got was an "I'm sorry. It will never happen again" response the day I confronted him. Nothing since then.

The "breakup" is still so fresh that I can't tell if he is in withdrawal or not. He is still acting as if nothing has changed between us, like it was before D-day.

It's probably not fair of me to want him to apologize profusely and beg at my feet for forgiveness on a daily basis but that is how I feel. I am still in Plan A, even though it is hard right now. I've read here that it does get easier over time if both spouses are truly working on the marriage. I just don't know if I can trust him to change if he continues to refuse to see a MC or an IC.

Still confused. Any words of wisdom?

Hi,

I think it is early and he may not be ready to talk about it. If you pressure him it could drive a wedge in your relationship. If he acts like nothing has changed obviously affair meant little to him. It seems he still is in love with you right? You could express your feelings as to how affair made you feel. I would wait till later when he was ready to talk about relationship issues. Please these are just some thoughts. Hopefully somebody more qualified will come shortly.

<small>[ October 04, 2004, 10:46 AM: Message edited by: Genia ]</small>

Genia,

Thanks for the reply. I do know that he still loves me. He wouldn't be here otherwise. I think you are right that I need to be patient and give him some time. He may want to talk about stuff later when things aren't so fresh after the confrontation. I think it is probably best to save my feelings about the A at this time for my counseling sessions.

Jayla...

As a FWH who is also in Plan A trying to get back my BS/WW, I can and have seen both sides, even though I'm only a few months from my own D-Day.

As a FWH who also had a fairly casual A like your WH (and multiple ONS's)...I agree...it's a bit too early.

During the first month after my D-Day, I didn't change my behavior that much - I was still in contact with my OW, lying to my BS about the details, I toyed with thoughts that maybe I was better off single and dating, I hurled alot of LB'ing anger at my BS/WW for her own A and used it as justification to stay in my former foggy state...

But the pain of losing my lovely W was just too much and cut through all the B.S. I was trying to make myself believe (and I mean bulls***, not "betrayed spouse!" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )

Once I started Plan A and committed to making my M work (just 1 month ago), my W said "why the sudden change, just 2 weeks ago you were with her again?"

And all I can say is...I was seriously foggy...but it didn't take long to realize I wanted my M to work. I think serious fog is normal immediately after D-Day, it's hard to break old habits and even to admit to oneself that a mistake was made and you better own up to it.

Your WH is going to have to do a few things right now...he's already admitted fault and regret, but he also needs to do the following (and I know, because I did them):

1. Be totally honest with you about everything, every detail, and about the pain it has caused you
2. Stop making rationalizations for his behavior ("It meant nothing" "It was just sex") - those are excuses and he's trying to absolve himself of responsibility by saying them.
3. Prove to you that he can be trustworthy again by owning up to his sins and making drastic steps to correct them (meaning, he can't walk around like nothing happened - he needs to acknowledge your pain in a loving way every single day).

I would recommend this book to HIM - DON'T READ IT YOURSELF, this book is ONLY for the WS - buy it for him as a gift, leave it on a table for him...
http://www.aftertheaffair.net/

Maybe it will help him realize the damage his current behavior is doing. It did for me. It's too early for me to tell if my efforts will bear fruit, as I'm only 1 month into Plan A with my own WW, but from the perspective of the WH I have already seen results.

VnusMars,

Thank you for your perspective. I admit it is hard to put myself in my H shoes right now. Hearing how it was for you helped me try to understand what he may be going through now that everything is out in the open.

As far as the book goes, I am willing to do anything to try to help him understand how we both need to fix this without just ignoring it and not talking about it.

One question, in your opinion VnusMars, is it too soon after the D-day for him to appreciate the information that is in the book? I wouldn't want it to backfire.

Thanks so much for the information.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by jayla:
<strong>

As far as the book goes, I am willing to do anything to try to help him understand how we both need to fix this without just ignoring it and not talking about it.

One question, in your opinion VnusMars, is it too soon after the D-day for him to appreciate the information that is in the book? I wouldn't want it to backfire.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well...that's hard to say. It depends on how honest he is being with HIMSELF about the whole thing.
If there's even a shred of remorse and concern deep inside him that he's unwilling/unable to express, the book may wake him up.

I can tell you that it contains information for him that is of IMMEDIATE and EMERGENCY use considering the circumstances, he needs to hear some of those things now.

Whether or not he's open to it, is a different story.

jayla,

how bizarre...your Dday is the same date as mine one year later...my H had a 2 month affair...he ended contact immediately, no withdrawal, was in it for the 'admiration & affirmation' and it led to a one time instance of intercourse (although there was some OS & other groping sessions).

My H did not want to talk about it either or got aggravated when I persisted! In fact it took him 3 mos. to finally admit to the PA.

He finally "got it" after that. Understood that I needed to talk about it, we needed to look at it and find out why it happened, what to do to protect our M from ever happening again.

We have made countless changes in our attitudes towards each other.

My advice is get "Torn Asunder" by D. Carder and "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass and read them. Have your H read them or at least read aloud sections that hold true for your M.

Keep postin, jayla. This is a great place to vent & find good advice!! Good luck!
Frags

Thanks again to everyone for their replies and advice. Everyone has been great and it is nice to feel like I am not alone in this whole mess. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />