Need to vent,
I don't know how i am going to be able to handle this. I have never beeen alone in my life. I get depressed and feel my heart sink to my shoes whenever i think of my future. I know i will have my kids Thank God!, but I don't know how i am going to handle the loneliness on the weeks i don't have them. My heart sinks when i know the week i get my kids back they will tell me all the places they went to with MoM and her new boyfriend. I know inevitibly she will bring OM to my kids sporting events. It will be like rubbing salt in a open wound for me. I can't stand the thought of seeing WW and OM holding hands and hugging at my kids games.
Tell me folks if anyone has gone through this how do you handle it. Staying busy i know, but that is only temp. and maybe take up only a few hours. What about the nights that you will be alone by yourself in your empty house sleeping or trying to.
All this makes me very sad and depressed.
Don't know why WW put people through this. My WW admits she knows how much this is killing me and hurting me, but she is still steadfest on leaving and being with OM.
So damn Cruel!
jets

It will get better. But it may get worse first. Talk to your MC about the way you are feeling. You may also want to talk to your doctor about getting started on anti-depressants. This may sound crazy, but they may help you deal with the pain. Hang tough. Remember to talk to your lawyer about your kids exposure to OM. You may some some legal options to prevent that. Maybe not. Good luck.

Thanks JMash,
I am already on Wellbutin but i think i may have to go to something else. Sexual function was my big concern with other anti d's. Thought i might have actully progress to some intimacy with WW. Boy how stupid was i. It never got to that point and at this point don't really care about it much.
Have appt. with Lawyer WEds. will ask about about OM and rules on contact with my kids.
OM is in Navy. He knows i have been trying to reconcile with WW but cont. to talk with her when she contacts him. Would it be a LB on my part to report him to CO.? He may get demoted and lost of pay if i do this.
Don't know how much recourse i will have.
Thanks for listening.
Jets

OM is in Navy. He knows i have been trying to reconcile with WW but cont. to talk with her when she contacts him. Would it be a LB on my part to report him to CO.? He may get demoted and lost of pay if i do this.

Expose the affair...

Your WW will react with anger, but it is still the right thing to do. It puts reality into their fantasy.

If OM chooses the behavior (adultery) he chooses the consequences (loss of pay).

Expose. It is not a LB. Exposure is not disrespectful toward your wife as a person. Exposure is shining a light on the adultery. Let the consequences of truth fall where they will.

Pep

Thanks Pepperband,
I know my WW will be furious if i do this. But this OM has screwed with my life. WW tries to say don't blame him blame me but yet she still sticks up for him and cuts me down. So backwards she is so much in a fog.
jets

I know my WW will be furious if i do this.

That's OK, she can be furious ... anger doesn't harm your M as much as OM-fantasy does.

Exposure is going to put pressure on their affair.

She'll blow up, and you'll remain calm when she does.

Don't wait to expose. The time is right now.

Pep

Pepperband spoke with a colleage who is ex Navy.
He said they may not do much other than suggest that he goes to counseling. Which would be a black mark on his record but he would not lose rank or pay or any of that. He said it is kind of a He said/She said without real proof. Although he did say he would get called into CO ofc and probably be recommended for counseling.
Don't know if it is worth the hassle of trying to locate him, ship that he is on, and CO. Will talked with my lawyer on Weds. and see what she says. Don't think WW will be moving out too soon
d/t finances and can't get apt. till end of mo.
jets

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by jets:
<strong> Pepperband spoke with a colleage who is ex Navy.
He said they may not do much other than suggest that he goes to counseling. Which would be a black mark on his record but he would not lose rank or pay or any of that. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Somewhat correct; but from my experience, I would predict a lot more trouble than this. This guy is outside the UCMJ and his working life, at the least, will likely become a living H3ll.

One thing is for sure, exposure will definitely hurt the A which is probably your objective.

I would listen carefully to what the others are suggesting if you still want to save the M.

Spamalope How would i go about finding out who is CO is? I only have this guys name don't know what ship he is on? Any services i could use to get this info?
jets

Jets,

Also just checked out your siggy and noticed that NC was broken just today.

Let me pass along some advice that I got a month or so ago and make sure you are stepping away from the drama. Don't do anything radical or agree to any life changing decisions in the heat of the moment, okay?

Ensure you are not ambivalent (like I was) to W about what you want.

Hang in there!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by jets:
<strong> Spamalope How would i go about finding out who is CO is? I only have this guys name don't know what ship he is on? Any services i could use to get this info?
jets </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Start at www.navy.mil. Or you could find the nearest base, call personnel and explain that you and your wife are having an "issue" with a navy member and you would like to send a letter to his commander.

It may take a while and several phone calls, but you'll find out. You could also try calling the Judge Advocates office and see how that goes.

spam,
I guess i meant to say i disovered no contact to be broken actually yesterday. Will try to fix this.
I will see if i can hint around with WW and find out what ship he is on inconspicuously.
WW is kind of stuck at the moment as far as moving out, but she is admament that this is what she wants. I am not trying to knee jerk, but i really do not feel i am going to change her mind. We been going at this for almost 3mo.
I think i will rat this guy out or do it annomysously. just need to find a number and name of ship to contact his CO.
jets

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by jets:
<strong>We been going at this for almost 3mo.
I think i will rat this guy out or do it annomysously. just need to find a number and name of ship to contact his CO.
jets </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Our time frames are somewhat similar. I also waited until about the 3 month point to expose the A. That, in of itself, is an entire other drama, but I will say that it totally PO-ed OM and did end up saving our family unit. In hindsight, I wish I had done it before.

What I meant about the drama, is not to be ambivalent in you accepting and/or agreeing with her decision to leave. "Honey, you are an adult and I cannot make you not leave but I do want you to know that this is your decision and one that I do not agree with." If you have sent a mixed message already, now is the time to fix it - very lovingly.

Obviously, don't support her either - those are ENs that you may be meeting!!!

My W left for about a week and in the end, she seems to have found the answers she needed.

It's still tough sledding, but hang in there!

thanks spam,
I have told her that i don't agree with it maybe not in your words but she knows.
jets

Jets, so sorry to hear this latest. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Stay as positive with her as you can through this. Look your best and have your best attitude.

Go dark on her when and if she leaves, good choice on your part, and it will be a good time to Plan B. My guess she just wants more opportunity to spend with OM.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Would it be a LB on my part to report him to CO.? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">ABSOLUTELY, to her, rational it will be a hereos move by you in a step to recovering your M. You should expose this A to everybody you think will matter to her and to him, in order to put a stop to it.

You are the only one working to save your M, you need to do what has to be done.

Lots of prayers going out for you.

KY

Kyellow,
I told her last night that i might report OM to co. I couldn't beleive the reaction she gave me.
She was literally pleading and begging me not to do this to him. Crying and saying don't ruin his carreer for my mistake. If you have any love left for me, don't do this. I couldn't believe how protective she was of him and at that moment i started to realize that maybe she really hasn't loved me in a few years. I look back at all her actions in the past and this also comes together in that puzzle that what she is saying is true. That she really has fallen out of love with me. I was the one who should have had that protective reaction that she gave OM. If she truly had any feelings left for me at all as her soul mate. This shouldn't have turned out like this. But i guess i am not her soul mate. I think WW was looking for a long time on ways to get out this marraige and this time with this guy she actually went the whole way. I have notice over the past 2-3 years all the small things that i have wanted from her. Initiation of hugs, kisses, hand holding cuddling, rubbing my back telling me things will be ok etc. I never got spontaneously from her.
Although i can remember doing those things to her, not as much as she would have like so she says. I Can't help to but figure financial security has a small part in this as well. Even though om has all these expenses he still clears 70k per year. WW and I salaries equal that together. I guess i just wasn't going to be able to give her that boat and beach house that i read in there emails to each other. WW states that is not the reason why she in fell in love with him. I said sure didn't hurt though.
I wrote plan B letter and have told her i hope she can find a little flutter in heart of love for me in the future, but honestly i don't see it ever happening again and if it did i am not sure if it would be there for me.
Will give her Plan b letter day she leaves, but my feeling is the day she leaves the house will be the day she closes the door on me and my love for her.
i will have to try and make life bearable as a single parent and try to realize that i may not ever find that person that i want to love me.
I want her to feel my pain so bad, but she can't and may not ever.
jets

Hi Jets,

I'm sorry to hear about the place you find yourself at now. I was in the SAME EXACT place only a month ago. Keep your head up. Things do have a way.

Don't give up all hope just yet. You know that the A has to be over in order to start recovering and for you all to work on the M. Like my situation, everything you have done up to this point has NOT been futile, but unfortunately it has not been recovery either. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Trust me, I know too well how much false recovery stinks - but it does helps define what's going on in W's head!

At this point I also sought some advice from a C on how to handle what the kids are witnessing. If she does in fact leave make sure you have the kids first and foremost in mind and know how you are going to handle their emotions.

thanks spam.
I know i will have to move on and try to find myself and find things for me, but it just hurts knowing that i will not have anyone there for me other than my kids.
About to turn 40 i a week and feel i will be to old to be a attractive mate for someone in the future. I make a ok salary but it is not 3 figures nor ever will be with my profession. I know i shouldn't be thinking this far ahead but my mind wonders alot of what my future will hold for me. Don't want to be alone for the rest of my life.
Does anyone believe in Karma? What comes around will go around for WW. Wrong to think this but it is how i feel at times. Sometimes hope she will fall flat on her face with this decision but i know if that does happen she will be to prideful to admit it was a mistake or consider comming back. I thought about reporting OM to co. but then thought Karma. Also feel if i did this she would really not consider comming back. She almost admitted to this last night. "Don't ruin his life for my mistake!"
He ruined mine, but should have said U ruined mine would have been more appropriate.
It will be very hard but i will try and get through this. I have no other recourse but to do this. It just burns me that she is not really going to be living on her own. She will have OM there every other week.
Maybe now that she is seeing Om on full time basis, among all the everyday stresses. She may see some things she does not like. Then again maybe not. I guess it really won't be my problem at that point.
jets

Jets,

It was on a Tuesday my W asked me if it were too late for her to come back home. Ironically, that morning I had a major revelation while folding laundry before I took my son to the bus stop. It was a simple thing and there was really no reason for it. It was a "I can do this." thing. MAJOR thing. I went on to have the best day I had had since before D-Day.

I would guess we all have something similar to this. You can do it too. Don't be telling me that 40 is too old for anything, either! I don't even want to go there! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

It sounds like you are doing some comparisons between you and the OM along the line of finances and such. Although you may not be able to compete with him financially, I think it is much more unfair to compete with him getting and sharing only the "good" times with your W.

I do believe in Karma - but I also believe in the family; it sounds like you do too. Exposure will absolutely set your W heywire - but, you know, it will probably also end the A. What's worse in your book?

Let me be very forthright and possibly use a 2x4 here - if your M ends as a result of this and you do not expose, will you be able to sleep at night knowing you did everything you could/wanted?

Seriously - whatever you do, we support you.

If you go down the D path, it probably would behoove you to get some advice from the board here to ensure you have your ducks in a row.

Thanks Spam,
To be honest and i have check this out with some retired military here. Reporting him would probably not do much for him. He is a Master Cheif PO and what everyone else says he untouchable. I also feel that if i did this WW would resent me for the rest of her life and if any chances there of reconcilation in future i am certain she would not consider it d/t that.
I really feel my WW has been upfront with me and not foggy when she states that she has lost those loving feelings for me over last few years i look back and see this now and her pattern of always seeking out OM. If she did feel anything for me she would have turned and walked away on there intial meeting, but she did not.
I starting to think maybe this is for the best for us. I maybe way off on this thinking but i know my situation. I also question whether i would consider reconciliation if it was there, which i don't think it will be, d/t all that she has put me through. I will probably never trust her again in that aspect.
NAV vets. also stated that it wouldn't d/t much good now to report him since his D was final in Aug. Don't know if i want to go there with this.
jets