It's been building up in me for days now, so I need to get this off my chest. Last time I made the mistake of going ballistic in the presence of my WH, which although did tip him off to the fact that I'm probably not a happy camper, also likely LB'd all over the place. I'm warning you all right now, it's going to get REALLY UGLY in a bit. So, stop reading right now if you're not in the mood to listen to a very upset BW shake her fist at the heavens. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I'll preface with a description of our relationship up to D-Day in August '04. We met in Nov. '00, he had a crush on my younger sister (just that, a crush, and she wasn't interested). I pursued him, after getting the green light from sis. Things progressed quickly. We had a whirlwind and passionate courtiship... Flowers, good food, sex, the works. We connected powerfully and at I believed we formed a deep, loving bond. Well, the only problem is that H is bipolar and while he's not prone to psychotic episodes (any more... He appears to have "grown out" of them) his thinking is still a little haywire. He's not on meds and has been depressed for most of the time I've known him. He's high functioning, though, so it's very hard to discern his mental state even for people who are very close to him like myself or even his mother. He's also good a playing the part of a happy, stable person, even though we know now that his inner life is nowhere near that.

So, fast forward to August '02, we've been dating for a year and half, and suddenly he decides he's found his "soulmate" in a woman he was working with at the time. He ends our relationship right as I'm leaving for college 200 miles away (under the original assumption that we were going to go together, mind you) to see where the possibility of a relationship with this girl will take him. It takes him nowhere, considering the fact that he had a job change shortly thereafter and ceased regular contact with her. A month and a half goes by and he's suddenly on my doorstep with an engagement ring, saying he's realized how foolish he was, how much he's missed me, how he loves me and darn it, what a great person I am! Being the all-or-nothing type of person I am, I am swept off my feet instantly and agree to marry him on the spot. I always knew he was the guy for me. We were best friends, we had such a powerful working relationship, and now it was obvious that he was prepared to accept that fact as well.

Nine months later we're one week away from our wedding date in July '03 when he drops the bomb on me again: There's this woman who he had a one night stand with SEVEN YEARS AGO and has not seen since (this was predating our relationship by 4 years now), but who he's been obsessed with all of a sudden. He's convinced she's his true love. He's found her email address and phone number on the internet and has contacted her. She lives across the country (thank God) but now he's seriously having doubts about us. I dig my heels in and will not budge: We are getting married. It's T-Minus seven days and there's no way in Hell I'm calling the wedding off. Besides, I love him. I believe in us, as a team. I know I am good for him. He is prevailed upon and the wedding goes off as planned. He later dismisses the whole thing with the long-ago ONS as "wedding jitters".

All through the next year, our relationship is doing well. The new marriage takes some getting used to, but I feel we are coping with the challenges and doing wonderfully. Things start to head south for me in early summer '04, when I begin having horrendous job problems. I'm stuck in a miserable job that I hate, and it's killing my enthusiasm for life. Plus, I'm starting school again after switching to a very intensive and creatively exhausting major. I'm losing my temper with everyone, and LB'ing all over the place with everyone in my life, not just my H. After a month of this misery, I know something has to go and I quit my job. No less than a week later, H tells me he's not so sure that the marriage was a good idea.

Later it comes out that he's been in contact with the OW from the one night stand all those years ago. He's been talking to her off and on for the entire year we've been married, completely unbeknownst to me. She is now living within easy driving distance of us, and H takes it as a sign that he's destined to be with her. They're in love, they're soulmates, she's everything to him and well, sorry Sarah, but you're out of the picture. I ask him to go to MC, he consents to it, but we wind up in IC instead. He moves out without telling me, maintaining that the marriage is a lost cause. I beg, plead, reason, bully... Anything I can think of to try to get him to think otherwise, but he sticks to his guns. I find this site shortly thereafter but I'm already on the fast track to divorce and while H is communicative, he's convinced that what he's doing is the right thing. He seems to beat around the bush concerning divorce, so in a blinding BS fog, I go straight to the attorney as soon as I find out about the extent of the (so far) EA. I start organizing everything for divorce, I move 15 miles away to the next city over to be closer to school, I hardly have any contact with H now. I try to convince myself that I'm doing the "right thing" by divorcing him, but I can't get over the fear that it's not the right thing... Not yet, anyway. Perhaps I am being too hasty. Everyone tells me that I am doing the right thing, that the SOB doesn't deserve me, blah blah blah, but I'm IN LOVE WITH THIS MAN. I may outgrow it, sure, but I'm also married to him. I don't know what to do...

And now, for the vent:

WHAT THE HELL IS H THINKING???! What goes through WS's brains that allows them to justify this absolutely horrific behavior?! Yes, I am by no means perfect, but I am hard pressed to figure out how anything I did justifies this kind of treatment. I know there is a pattern here with H and his ability to fall in love seemingly at will. It is, afterall, a trait of bipolar disorder. That's no excuse, however. He's married, he needs to be accountable for his actions towards his family, and figure out how to control this love compulsion he's got.

But still. I am so angry, so hurt, so MAD at him and every WS out there. What is with you people??? Get out of the damn fog and LOOK AT WHAT YOU'RE DESTROYING. LOOK AT WHO YOU'RE HURTING. The people who love you, who stand by you, who commit to you, do they deserve this treatment? Do they? No more excuses, no more of that "soulmate" bull****!!! If I hear another WS saying that the OP is a "really great person, you just gotta understand that" I'm going to scream!!! If I hear another WS saying that the OP is not to blame, I'm going hurt somebody!!!

I am a beautiful, talented, HIGHLY intelligent woman. WH is a damn fool for thinking he can do better. Sorry, but that's a fact.

And sorry to all you guys who stuck through reading this diatribe. I really needed to get this out in the open. I am sorry if it offends, or isn't MB-politically correct. It's just the way I feel right now.

You all rock.

Sarah

<small>[ October 04, 2004, 02:36 PM: Message edited by: Sarahbellem ]</small>

I cant really tell you what your husband is thinking. But I can tell you a couple of other things. I suffer from BiPolar disorder. I have for a long time. Much longer than I would have ever imagined. But here is the important thing. You do not grow out of BiPolar. It doesnt simply go away. Your husband sounds like he is on quite a roller coaster. And believe it or not, he doesnt realize it, nor does he see what it is doing to anyone else. In fact, he probably just feels miserable all the time, because he cant figure out why everything he touches seems to come apart.

Before you can even begin to address the issues in your marriage, you and your husband must learn to face the demon of BiPolar. It can be controlled, managed, but never truly defeated.

Best wishes.

C

Okay Sarah,

You go girl! You rock! I am hanging with you, because I feel the same way deep down inside. In fact I think that most BS feel this way, and it isn't just women. Betrayed men feel the same also. You just got the anger thing going on. It will too pass, and then it will be another emotion. I have been where you are, and back again. Feels good to get it off your chest doesn't it?

HINY

You know, Sarah, that has to be one of the best rants I've seen. It's virtually all about you and isn't rude or disrespectful in the least. Ya might have an expectation or two in there but really - it's a good honest rant. I'm impressed.

So, questions I can help you with or did you just need to get it off your chest?

C

Cerri,

Actually, I just needed to get it off my chest. Much as I know the logical factors behind affairs, it's not a really big help because it's all so illogical... My own feelings, his feelings, the OW's feelings... None of it makes a bit of sense, other than I know I'm in love with him and married to him and dammit, I want to stay that way! :LOL:

Anyhoo. If I think of any really questions I'll post 'em. But for now, it's really just about expressing my anger in a neutral manner. Thanks for offering, though. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Yep I agree with it all, ranting and all. Couldn't have ranted better myself. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Actually, if you understand the mating drive and the physiological things that go on in the brain that affect the emotions then it really does make perfect sense. All of it - his feelings, your feelings, the OW's feelings. And it makes it possible to understand on an intellectual level why you need to take the steps you need to take if you are to have a chance of saving your marriage.

Until you see the bigger picture and understand the 'why' behind it all it's really really hard to do a good (read: real, per Bill Harley) PlA and then to move to PlB as needed in a timely manner. Those things, even when you understand the underlying cause and effect, are extremely counter intuitive and most people fail to execute them well.

C (ok, so I admit to being an MB geek <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )