hello all...
I haven't posted hardly at all latley, but have read and read. I have just something I want to share..

H and I are doing great! My goodness I didn't even know he had it in him to be so good to me. Sure we both have things to work on, but for the most part, things are great. I never ever thought that our M could be this healthy. Perfect, no, but getting better every day, absolutly!! I have more hope for us than I have in a long long time. He sat the other night and told friends of ours that he treated my awful, that he had his priorities all messed up. He put work first, his entertainment and fun next, then me, and then the kids. He said he now knows God should come first, me, kids and so on. WOW, to hear him tell someone that in front of me really and truly hit home. I really feel so much hope for us.

O.K. here is where you may hit me with those 2x4's but here goes. I am the one who had the EA. Yes, H knows of it. It has been "over" for almost two years now. There has been some "contact" a email or phone call with how is everything how are you? But, NEVER to start a friendship or anything again. You see, his W found out about the EA and couldn't recover. We (OM & I) knew we were stupid, selfish and so on. We knew we had to get our lives back. So, they are D. I just feel like how can I be here working on my M and my family getting healthier everyday, when I am partly to blame for breaking up that family. They have a daughter. Just one an only daughter and here she is with her parents D, when I am here with my children and family entact and not only together, but better than it ever was before. How do I live with that? Or is that my burden to bear for my awful choices in life. Is that my daily reminder for where I am and how I got here?

Does anyone understand, have you been there.

sohard,

Congratulations for the wonderful progress your relationship is making! It is so good to hear of successful ongoing recoveries.

I don't have a family in my situation, so I can't speak about children involved, but I can offer this...A guilty heart for your recovering marriage and their failed one is natural...it is a confirmation that you are caring and that you have a conscience. My therapist told me to keep this in mind (I have it posted at my desk at work: "I am a growing, changing person. What I do today is far more important that what I did yesterday." I know it's cheesy, but it's a good daily reminder of self-affirmation. Yes, you had a part in what happened in the past, but now it is out of your control...the couple isn't able to work things out, and you do not have control over that, unfortunate as that situation is (the breakup). The only thing you can do is pray for the couple and their child. Channel your energy that way, and into your own relationships.

sohard,

Congratulations for the wonderful progress your relationship is making! It is so good to hear of successful ongoing recoveries.

I don't have a family in my situation, so I can't speak about children involved, but I can offer this...A guilty heart for your recovering marriage and their failed one is natural...it is a confirmation that you are caring and that you have a conscience. My therapist told me to keep this in mind (I have it posted at my desk at work: "I am a growing, changing person. What I do today is far more important that what I did yesterday." I know it's cheesy, but it's a good daily reminder of self-affirmation. Yes, you had a part in what happened in the past, but now it is out of your control...the couple isn't able to work things out, and you do not have control over that, unfortunate as that situation is (the breakup). The only thing you can do is pray for the couple and their child. Channel your energy that way, and into your own relationships.

Rae

Rae I like your daily reminder. I might just steal it and make it mine. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Sohard, I can so relate to this. I had a PA, YUCK, I hate it that I did, and we are recovering, my H was exactly like yours.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He sat the other night and told friends of ours that he treated my awful, that he had his priorities all messed up. He put work first, his entertainment and fun next, then me, and then the kids. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As far as OM goes, I can not concern myself with their welfare. It has nothing to do with me now.

I wish them well, she was a great friend of mine, and I love and care for her very much. They are still struggling it seems and yes I do feel so much guilt for that, their kids are paying a high price for our selfish A.

I have removed myself from their situation, because that is what is right for my H and I, and for myself alone, as well as for them. I pray for them but that is all I can do at this point. It does me no good to feel guilty.

The OM made his bed, it is now time for him to step up and become the man she wants and needs him to be, and if he can't it is his loss, and a big one at that, he has a great family.

As for you, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I'm guessing your H doesn't know about these update conversations with OM. Think about this - if he finds out he will not be able to believe these are just update conversations, this will crush him.

Also, by keeping contact, you are keeping the emotional strings attached, and therefore you are still having an EA.

Be true to your H, stop contact, FOREVER!!!

Kyellow

Thank you Rae, you are right, I need to put all my energies into my M. The guilt I guess is just something I have to learn to live with.

KYellow.. thanks for the response, we must have been posting at the same time, I am late for class but will read it better when I am done.

I think OM GF is a fine person and I wish her hopes for herself and her relationship comes true.

Also while OM is trying to work on his relationship, NC is more likely with my FWW.

If not for those mitigators, I wish him nothing but pain, loneliness and dispair for the rest of his miserable life. I hope he never smiles again.

2x4 me,don[t care. Its how I feel. And yes I know OM GF probably feels the same about my FWW.

Kyellow, You are SO right about NC, I do know it needs to be forever. I always did, but also messed that up a couple times. I can't really explain it now, it has been a long time that there was any, but I feel stronger now that there will be none! Knowing something in your head and feeling it in your heart sometimes doesn't all come together when it should. But, it is all there for me now..(don't know if that makes sense)

Bob, who would hit you with a 2x4? I can understand completely how you feel.. Strange, but I feel sad that there is someone out there who feels that way about me.

KYellow and sohard,

Glad you liked the cheesy saying...sometimes it's so hard to remember that...like tonight for me. My life's a mess right now.

BUT...I agree with KYellow...Stop contact...as long as you are continuing with contact with this man, there will be a connection...something that is hindering you from moving on...past your guilt...past your EA. You don't want a reminder of the past...you don't want that connection.

Work on you and your M. That's all you can do...everything else is out of your control...

Rae

Sohard,

KiwiJ and I were having a conversation shortly after she arrived here and she was still in the "fog". She felt that really other than her H being "hurt" there really had not be anything "lost" from her marriage. I am paraphrasing here abit.

I explained to her that with each breakthrough of recovery, she would see what was "lost" and what the cost of her A really was.

I think your situation illustrates this very well. The affair had many costs, it is the loss of friends, distruction of families, and many little things. And there is remorse. You said and asked </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Just one an only daughter and here she is with her parents D, when I am here with my children and family entact and not only together, but better than it ever was before. How do I live with that? Or is that my burden to bear for my awful choices in life. Is that my daily reminder for where I am and how I got here?

You life with it by realizing that you have been given a huge GIFT (an H that was willing to not only love you, but work on changing himself, a good family, and recovery from this A). With this gift comes a responsibility and that is to continue to do your best to make your marriage work and your family happy.

I don't think there is a thing you can do to help OM's family, but you can stop contact with OM. You can appreciate the GIFT you have been given, and you can take that gift and make it even better. It is all you can do.

Your burden, if you want to call it that, is to realize that you did harm to many people and to make it up to the people you can help most your family. This event will become part of your conscience, and it will be there to guide you from now on. Your OM will need to face that he failed at his marriage on his own.

[quote]Does anyone understand, have you been there. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, I have not been there, but I hope that my answer suggests that have a little understanding. It seems to me you address these things with ACTIONS and the only action available to you is to give things for the gifts given you, and that you acknowledge your H and what he has done, that you love him and yourself, and finally that you LEARN from this and use the knowledge to make your marriage better.

Must go.

God Bless,

JL

JL,
Thanks so much for your response. You are right, so many people were affected. I have lost friends over it. Funny thing is the friendship was lost because I wanted my M to work. Long story, but just another relationship messed up because of the whole thing. I know there is nothing I can do but look forward and work on my M. My H is not the same man he was, I am not the same person I used to be, our M is better than it has ever been. I guess this sad feeling about how we got here will fade some day.

Thanks again! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I'm not in your exact situation....I'm the BH. My W had her A with my "best friend" at the time. He was married with a 2yo son. Dday was 02/03 and the A was finally over 02/04. The OM and his W have since gotten a DV....a pretty nasty one actually with OM accusing myself and my W of meddling and trying to destroy any chances of reconciling with his W etc. etc. yada yada.....

Anyway, I know you have a much different angle on this than me since you were the WS. I guess it's understandable that you'd feel added guilt since you were the one that actively participated in the A. But I've felt some of that too over the months. The thoughts of "how can we be doing so well and they're getting a DV" have run through my mind countless times.

But overall you've gotta realize what I have (and what my W has) and that's the fact that the other couple made their own choices as to how they responded to the situation exactly the same way you and your H did. The only difference in the you and them is the end decision you reached.
How easy it could have been for them to have made the decision to stay together and you and your H decided to DV? It's all in the decision. Yes the situation and the circumstances stank, but that really makes little difference when you get right down to it.

You did not "cause" them to DV. They chose to. Exactly the same way you and your H chose to reconcile. Yes, you had a hand in creating the circumstanced surrounding their DV, but you didn't cause it. Don't beat yourself up for a decision you didn't make. Just continue to work on your own M. Be sorry for the A, but that's where your responsibility ends.

<small>[ October 06, 2004, 04:17 PM: Message edited by: high_road ]</small>

OM broke his marriage vows. It just happened to be with you. You are not guilty for what happened to them.

thanks rr and cherished for you words of encouragement.

I do have to share another awsome thing with H and I. We went to MC last night and it was the first one in a long long time that was more good than not. My H even is going thru with anger management classes which is HUGE! Even though things are better I am so happy he is still moving forward with change. As am I. O.K. The flip side in my mind.

I read all these stories of fww/fwh who think badly of xop. I wish I did, but I just don't. I actually am so so sorry for the Ea, I truly am. I was NOT thinking correctly or straight or any of that. But, I have to also be honest when I say that I am thankful for some things om did for me at that time. My H was a different man then..(we both were). He would say and do things that I could not tell anyone. It was too embarressing. It also hurt me so much. But, om made it hurt less, by meeting him, I was finally able to realize there was another way. That I was worth being encouraged, complemented, cherished. Not put down, critizized, and controlled. (Please don't hit me with 2x4's I want to be honest) My H even says that he resents om sometimes because by meeting him, it helped me to find the strenght to say "no more", I won't be treated like that anymore. I mean we (H&I) separated for almost a year. H says he never thought I would have the strength to make it on my own, that is why he wouldn't change, he figured why because I wouldn't be strong enouph to do anything about it. (He isn't like that any more, he has really changed his thinking) The EA was already over when we separated by the way. So, it is not like I had OM then. His W knew of it and they were trying hard to recover then.

So, I am trying to "not feel anything" for om, but even though H and I are doing great, I do still have these lingering feelings for om. I feel so badly about everything for everyone. I wish him happiness, and I have to admit sometimes I even miss him. I hope with time that fades. It is just amazing to me after all this time that there is anything there. It really blows my mind when I am happy and something happens with school and all of the sudden I want to share it w/om. I don't, I call H, but it is still wierd that I have that urge. But, when I started back to school (one huge goal for me) H really didn't want me to, didn't want me to "take away from him or the family", but at that time om encouraged it, told me I could do it. H does that now, he is great about it. I know I have just rambled, but I know this is a safe place to do it and I feel better just getting some of this stuff out.

O.K. things were going really good.. And then. First off H and I have very different levels of SF needs. Although over the last few weeks things have been better. I had gone on anti-d's so that my sf needs down a bit (to say the least) But after a few weeks things had settled down and were getting better. I even set aside time for us and initied it all. Very important to him. Well,

We got home the other night and he was "in the mood and I wasn't" I explained this withought LBinh at all. He went back to "the other guy" the one who gets angry, cold, and says mean things. He said I was cold, and that I never initiate it (I just had a few days before) and so on. The next day he was sullen and pouty and distant. I have learned (our Mc has talked to us about this) that when he is like to this to not react, when he wants to talk then we work it out, until then I am to let it go.

So, we go thru the day like that. We get home yesterday and he throws a letter at me, I ask what it is and he angrily says "you'll see". I opened it and it was a letter saying someone didn't get a payment. (I freak and look it up and I did pay it, but we just started doing on-line billing so I have to check it out today). Anyway later I said to him the the way he did that wasn't very nice. Truly, that is just what I said. Well, he got angry, defensive and mean. Said he was sorry, very meanly. Wouldn't talk to me and went to bed.

So, this morning we talked. I told him how I felt and asked him where that soft, caring, man was. He said frustrated because he wanted SF the other night and I didn't. That he would work on it. I guess I am sad today because when he gets angry and says mean things when I am caught off gaurd it hurts me.

I know, I know, I need to get over it!.... working on it!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by sohard:
<strong>
So, this morning we talked. I told him how I felt and asked him where that soft, caring, man was. He said frustrated because he wanted SF the other night and I didn't. That he would work on it. I guess I am sad today because when he gets angry and says mean things when I am caught off gaurd it hurts me.

I know, I know, I need to get over it!.... working on it! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Okay I hate to be a jerk but uhmm why not give your H what he needs/desires? Do you have any idea how it feels to be denied SF from your W? I know you hear it in comedy routines and sitcoms all the time, but lady it's very painful. My reply may sound jaded, but it's because I am. When you turn down your H from SF which is probably a very important EN for him, he probably feels rejected, not loved, unappreciated, frustrated etc.; I just don't understand, I don't mean you should have to perform every night, but if he asked for SF like 3 times a week?? Why not give it to him. There's many forms of SF and some require less work than others..hint hint.

I don't understand why you would rather deny your H of something you are very much capable of providing and you guys can throw you 2X4's out the window. I think a H should be understanding and caring with his W, but I also think that a W should do likewise. I also realize her H may be putting too much emphasis on SF, just like me, and just like many MEN..I don't apologize for that. Give the guy a little, he loves you, he's not pursuing another woman, he feels neglected when you don't, he feels UNLOVED when you wont touch him, get it? It's not a power struggle. Where's all the ladies on this site at? Where's someone chimming in with, either you want to be right or you want to be married? Okay I'll say it. What's it going to be, you win the battle over ALWAYS getting to decide when sex takes place, OR you get to be married? Which do you choose?

Sorry for the blunt reply, but this post hits mightly close to home and I can relate to your H.

Wow family matters... You don't beat around the bush at all about how you feel huh!... Just kidding, everyone is entitled to their oppinion.

I would be SO curious to get some more input on this...

"Just give it to him.." hmmm, I don't think that sounds remotly "loving" to me. It is not about "power or stuggle", it is about compromising and meeting each others needs! And also, he would have it every day, so you say "why do you have to make the decision" It is not that way at all, it is just that his sf drive is on a much different level than mine.

I really am curious to what others might say on this subject...

I apologize for my tone, but I don't think he's going to change, compromise is the key here. I base my opinion on my own experiences so there's no doubt that I'm only qualified to offer my humble opinion. I don't label my opinions as infallible but realistic as they pertain to me. Okay enough of that disclaimer nonsense, I understand you and your H have a difference in sex drives, but I don't think his can be helped. I see lots of Viagara but very little medications to lower libidio and isn't asking him to NOT want it kind of unrealistic? Besides he doesn't just want IT,,he wants IT with you, and that's such a big flattering difference isn't it? I wish you the best and I hope the 2 of you can POJA to a resolution. No matter how grown up a man is he will always be somewhat childish when he's FAVORITE GIRL isn't showing him the love he so craves, and that's not a right or wrong, or a judging statement, just my opinion.

Use Life Up! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />