Two years ago when my H proposed to me, I was SO happy. Unfortunately, it sent me right into a bad depression (weird how those things work) and H nursed me through six months of total hell. I recovered by focusing on the wedding, on our relationship, on all the beautiful things I had to look forward to in our future together. One year later, he's mixed up over an affair, wants out of the marriage, is quite possibly having a manic bipolar episode and I'm spiralling out of control myself. I'm trying desperately to hang on to my wits, but I have felt the depression and anxiety slowly creeping back up again and then today I finally experienced it: My first full blown reoccurance of my own mental illness.

My H was always there to help me, to hold me when the panic attacks were at their worst and I was so scared of my own shadow that I couldn't function. Now it's this weird paradoxical effect happening... H leaves me for OW, I'm put under extreme emotional stress, I start losing my grip on my sanity and now I'm falling back into the depression and I want nothing more than to have him comfort me. I want to curl up in his arms and burry my face in his neck and just sleep, like I used to when the thoughts got so bad I couldn't function.

And what's worse is that I know that my breakdown robbed me of some of the most precious parts of my life... My engagement. I couldn't help the breakdown. It was a long time coming, even before I met H. But now H uses my breakdown as evidence that we weren't right for each other from the start! It just kills me! He doesn't know what's inside my heart... Though Lord knows I've tried to tell him a million times that he had absolutely nothing to do with my breakdown. Zip. Zilch. Nada. The thing that got me through that time was the hope that our future would be long and prosperous, that those 6 months of torture were just a blip on the screen of our lives together. Now they're being dragged up as justification for ending our marriage!

God!!! I just want to shake him and make him see that I love him!!! I have never been in doubt of that the whole time I've known him. When I see him, all of my inner resolve melts and I remember that it's not just the idea of him that I'm in love with, it's the shape of him. It's the H-sized hole in my heart that is like a huge, gaping wound. It kills me to know that he was carrying a torch for the OW the whole year that we've been married... Some chick he hadn't even seen in seven years and he's so convinced that she's his true love. After all, you wouldn't carry a torch for that long if it weren't true love, right? It's all bull****, I know... But it HURTS.

I just want someone to say "Sarah, he'll come to his senses. He will realize where his true love lies, and it won't be with the OW" and I want it to be true. I want it to happen tonight. Right now, before any more damage is done. I want him to call me up and ask for another chance. I want him to move in with me in this wretchedly lonely apartment and make it live with his energy. I want to just forget everything that happened in the last month and move forward.

Above all, I don't want a divorce. I really, really don't. I'm so afraid that's my only option, especially since I was so hot to get the papers squared away before I had a chance to think about what I was doing. I knew that if I had a chance to think, I would lose my resolve. Unfortunately, the legal process happens slowly... I can't even get a meeting scheduled with a mediator until well into next week. Now I'm afraid that he believes I want this divorce and that absolves him from worrying about being with the OW. I shouldn't have let my pride get out of hand... I should have stayed the course and not tried to one-up him by taking the divorce into my own hands.

I miss him, guys. I'm still addicted to him... Hell, we're just newlyweds for crying out loud! This marriage deserves a chance because *I* deserve a chance.

Peace,
Sarah

Hi, Sarah.

I truly believe he is coming back, but it probably won't happen on your schedule.

Don't give in to the depression. You are at the precipice, looking over the edge. It is up to you to dive in or pull back. You are at the point where you can still choose.

You don't have time to be depressed. You have things to do. You have things to prepare. Right now, it is up to you to keep up a place both physically and in your heart, for him to return. You have to be the strong one for a while. This is your job for right now. Don't let both of you down.

I know this seems overwhelming, but I assure you that it is NOT.

You know the drill. Go and sleep a good long time tonight. Tomorrow will be easier to face than today has been.

Sarah, he'll come to his senses. He will realize where his true love lies, and it won't be with the OW. How can he resist? He is just being stupid. It will pass.

Tomorrow, you need to figure out how to conduct yourself around him so that he sees you as strong and stable. You simply can't be needy and grabby, that will scare him away.

Take a step back, Sarah. See the situation as an outsider sees it. All is NOT lost. Things are only a bit mixed up. This is a completely recoverable situation.

You have to stop beating yourself up. You feel bad about it and you are sorry, right? So fix it after he is back home and the two of you are recovering. Right now thinking about what might have been is a complete waste of perfectly good emotional energy and serves no purpose other than to make you weak. You need that energy to fix YOU up. Make a good plan, and stick with it.

Here is a suggestion for a simple list. Make your own and write it on an index card. Keep it in your pocket. Write it in big letters so you can see it when you are crying. Really.

1) I am strong and I can stand this.
2) My situation is not going to kill me.
3) I will be strong for as long as I have to be.
4) For now, I will only let my husband see my strength.

I promise you that the pain WILL EASE UP.

Gimble

Gimble, what an unbelievably wonderful response. Thank you. I really needed to hear someone say those words to me. I'm going to save your post so I'll be able to come back to it when I need that shot in the arm.

Sarahbellem,

I somewhat disagree with Gimble, speaking as one who has dealt with both bipolar disorder and depression. This situation is not going to be like "normal" because whilst I care about you and understand, it's just not "normal."

For the longest time, I could never figure out how my exH could be considered "mentally ill" when he was so clearly not crazy. Like your H, my exH is highly functional and can easily hide it from people who don't know him very, very well--he's not (very) paranoid or dilusional after all. However, I did know him very, very well and he couldn't hide it from me. Eventually I realized something. Mental illness does not mean being crazy. Mental illness means distorted thinking.

My exH (like yours) finds his "soulmate" on cybersex websites and in old classmates...in the restaurants he works at and on email. OTOH, I was true to him, faithful in mind and body, did my best to understand him, did my best to learn about his illnesses and help him with them, gave him my best years and our children, and was really the best wife to him that I think he will have the opportunity to have! Yet in his mind the ones who "truly love him" are the ones who admire him and then dump him in a month.

Thus, it is entirely possible that your stbxh may continue to have his distorted view of "true love" especially if he is not seeking treatment for his bipolar. It is entirely possible that your stbxh may continue to see abandonment by the very one (you) who was the one who never left him...or continue to see YOU as unstable, manic or manipulative because he is projecting his own issues. The point here is that his thinking is distorted, and until he works on himself and his perceptions (probably with a psychiatrist) he will most likely continue to think in that distorted pattern.

It's very sad to watch someone you love slowly self-destruct, but if he chooses not to fix himself, you can't fix him. The only person you can work on and fix is YOU.

That being said, you know that you are entering a depressive episode. Everyone has been depressed before and most here have had situational depression (depression based on the situation). But what you are describing is Clinical Depression. Thus, I challenge you to do what your stbxh refuses to do...fix yourself. Go to a psychiatrist or psychologist and get medication. Adequate rest is ESSENTIAL. Find a buddy who loves you and will make you go out on a walk. CARE FOR YOURSELF.

I know it's hard, but for your own sake, do these things. The depressive episode may come, but you can take steps to care for yourself during this time. Do it.


CJ

<small>[ October 04, 2004, 10:39 PM: Message edited by: FaithfulNewCJ ]</small>