Now 10 months after d-day, my WH continues life as if nothing ever happened. . .that he didn't use viagra to have a four year affair with a woman young enough to be his daughter.

I on the other hand am still hurting so much and there are days when I don't think that I am going to survive this betralyal and I just feel that I want to walk away from the marriage.

Help, any advice out there on how I can get my act together. I just feel that after 10 months I should be healing and starting to live again.

It is my opinion that you can never heal if your WH acts as though nothing happened. You need to work on that first....

I know what needs to be done but unfortunately my WH refuses to discuss the A at all. Life just goes on as usual in his opinion and dragging up anything from the past is a complete no, no.

He gets angry and totally shuts down and refuses to discuss anything so I am in the position where I am trying to heal myself and not having any great success.

I think the question you need to ask yourself, in light of his refusal to help with this at all is-

At what expense are you willing to stay in this marriage? Can you be happier if you move on without him?

A 57 year old woman in pain for 10 months because WH refuses to go through recovery when he was the one who had the affair really gets me steamed up. You should be enjoying life now, not grieving the infidelity of your marraige.

I would answer these questions and then have a very frank discussion with hubby regarding your decision.

I am a 47 YO woman at 10 months too - with the exact same scenario going on.

I was told go move on and get over it.

It is our 16th wedding anniversary this week and I told wh that I wanted an evening of intimacy (not sex, real, honest, deep emotional intimacy)

Am I asking too much?

<small>[ October 05, 2004, 09:03 AM: Message edited by: anotherone ]</small>

I have tried having a frank discussion with my H but it just ends up with him not talking. Its like banging your head against a brick wall. He will discuss anything as long as it doesn't touch on how I feel about the A or the A itself.

I told him that I need closure and he told me to ask my psychiatrist whether he needed to talk to me about the A. The psychiatrists response was that he knew why my H didn't want to talk about it but that I needed closure and it was up to my H to decide who's need was greater.

Well we know who's need is greater. . .HIS.

Is he willing to read SAA or HNHN's?

Is he familiar with the MB concepts on having a good marriage?


Edited to add -

Does he feel "safe" talking to you about the affair? That you won't cry, get angry or hold his answers against him?

<small>[ October 05, 2004, 09:15 AM: Message edited by: weaver ]</small>

He will not discuss anything to do with the affair, whether it me reading a book or MB. The subject is NOT TO EVER BE BROUGHT UP AGAIN (his words).

He has no idea whether he would be "safe" talking to me about the A because he has never spoken of it. . .not even on d-day. He admitted to having the A after I had found concrete evidence of it. . he then said he would immediately end it and that I had done nothing to cause him to have the A and that it had been an ego thing. That is the total conversation we have ever had about the A. I don't even know if the A is over. . .he fooled me completely for 4 years. My gut feeling is that it is over and I must say that he has been very loving and good but I need to know why this happened to us after so many years of an excellent marriage. I am not fooling myself. . .we had a great marriage. . .never fought, never had anything go wrong and that is why he managed to fool me for so long. . .I thought everything was perfect. I found out by accident. . .

I know that I am not healing. . .I just need to talk this through and he is not willing. I bless MB every day of my life. . .it gives me somewhere to vent. I know that I am never going to get this kind of support from my WH so I look to you guys for the wonderful support that you give.

Boy, he is making it tough isn't he.

I have no experience in the area of someone not willing to answer questions.

But I know what you mean about needing to talk about it, and thank GOD for MB is right.

Have you read any of the books regarding surviving infidelity?

I have read so many books now about relationships that I had to stop for awhile. Now I am currently reading the John Eldridge books (one of which Pep has a thread going on about) and I love these books. Such a nice change from so many of the others I have read lately. "The Sacred Romance" is what I am reading now.

Take it easy Enid. First time I ever post to you I think. Good luck and keep talking girl. We will all get through this somehow. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thanks, its the one place where I feel I can really say how I feel. I still have terrible days and horrible triggers. Last night watching TV a couple kissed and all I could picture was my WH kissing her. . .I could have just wept I felt so bad.

I sometimes wish I could just sleep for the next two years and wake up having my old life back. My old life was wonderful. . .we had a really good marriage and I am not kidding here. I have done some real thinking about our marriage before the A and some deep soul searching and I cannot think of an instance where we were unhappy or not meeting each others needs.

He had to take viagra to have sex and I can only think that having sex with someone who didn't know that he was taking viagra was the turn on. She didn't know he had a problem so thought he was this incredibly sexy guy. I on the other hand knew about his problem and so he didn't get the same "kick" out of taking a tablet and then having sex with me. He never told her that he had a problem, just took the viagra and then had sex with her.

How does one compete against those kind of odds?