Hi, I am so new in this forum, That I am still learning how to post and move through...

I have two children, 5 yrs and 18 month, cheated on my husband a couple of years ago and he just found out. He went crazy, feeling real bad. He left work and taking medicine. He has gone throug diferent stages, he hates me, doesn´t love me, wants to stay togheter for the kids but nothing to do with me, later he asked to divorce etc.

Now after 3 month that he foun out we are still togheter, sometimes have sex, sometime act like friends. I love him so much, he is the man in my life and i don´t want to loose him.

Here is my question. What can I do to recover his trust.... he thinks I have cheated many times, and have a current affair on stand by, he doesn´t want to believe that it was one night stand


Thanks <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Toscal- I'm a FWW so can't really give you the viewpoint of a BS, but what I can tell you is that trust once lost has to be regained- and it may take quite some time. Have you tried the "Radical Honesty" that Dr. Harley recommends? Account for your time to him, offer your email passwords and be patient with him. He has taken a very big blow directly to his heart.

Read up on Plan A- we FWW can do the plan A "in reverse" for our spouses to show them that we are committed to them. If you haven't already, read up on everything on this site- and then read it again.

Don't give up- it hasn't been very long. Just take it day by day- and each day strive to show your husband how much you care for him and how much your marriage means to you. Are you in MC together? That might be a BIG help!

My best wishes.

toscal, one VERY important thing to keep in mind is that while the affair happened a couple of years ago, for your husband, it happened three months ago. Also, you put your thoughts and actions into gear based on what you know of the affair, which is everything. Your husband does not know everything, he does not have the full picture. Even if you have told him every minute detail...he was not there. He'll never have the whole picture and that is something that is very hard to deal with.

Now from what you've written here, you are definitely NOT in the worst place you could be. Your husband is angry and is letting his "taker" shine through. You know why this is good? Because it shows he CARES..he is not indifferent to the situation.

Three months is an extremely short period of time. The Harley books say it takes about two years to fully recover a marriage from an affair...and the marriage will not ever be the same (if the recovery is a REAL and TRUE one, this is a good thing!).

My suggestion is to tell your husband that you'd like to talk to him about what happened. Set the talk for a few days in the future so he has some time to think about it. During your talk, you need to re-acknowledge your mistake. You need to tell him what was missing in the marriage before--what led you to have this affair? There is no justification for you ONS, but certain conditions had to have existed to allow you to make that terrible choice. You need to let your husband know what those are. Explain to him that you're telling him because you want to make sure that NEITHER of you falls prey to an affair again. And then you ask HIM what he would need to recover. Ask him what you can do. Ask him what he feels he was missing.

You need a plan! Recovery without some kind of plan is doomed. I did a willy-nilly recovery after my husband's affair and now I'm separated and likely to divorce. If I had had a plan, things might be different now.

For me..the things that would help me regain trust is exactly what Sadww said--radical honesty. Account for your time. Be an open book. This includes both what you are doing and what you are FEELING!!

never get annoyed if your husband asks about the affair. never ever ever. There may come a time down the line when you do need curtail some of that talk, but three months after D-Day is NOT it. Even if he asks you questions in a nasty manner, you must respond calmly, sincerely, truthfully and OPENLY!! If my husband had done these things, it would've helped me so much!

Would he be open to reading any books and/or counseling, do you think?

PS Although staying for the children is not the ideal situation..keep in mind that it is *something* and it can give you a basis. As long as your husband is there, you have a chance of breaking through the wall he has erected so that eventually he is staying because he WANTS to.

toscal, I am BH and what your H needs desperately is AFFECTION. You may say he's not the affectionate type and that may be true but he needs it now. Shower him with affection no matter how uncomfortable it feels. He will respond in kind and it may open of the lines of communication. But I assure from reading here for a long time as well as personal experience he needs affection.

Another thing that would be helpful is empathy. The only way you can have empathy is to understand what someone is going through. If you had a friend who lost a child you would say I am so sorry and I understand how you must feel as a mother myself. But in reality you would have no idea how that person felt unless you had lost a child or done a lot of research on that particular trauma. At Marriage Builders you have an opportunity to do that kind of research. You can read and read and read similar stories to get a better understanding of what your H is going through. And you will understand it is not in the least bit unique. 3 months is nothing in this process. You need to buckle in for the long haul. For your family's sake. And most importantly is OM out of your life? If not he needs to go or the wound cannot heal.

By the way you have the power the save and improve your M. Don't get lazy but stay focused and help him to heal.

WOE

Read the book, Surviving an Affair, read up on the Emotional Needs and take the questionaire online here. Have your H do it to. Invite him here for help. There are many betrayed spouses here learning to deal with their situation. For my story, read the link below. Good luck.

RH

You've gotten great advice from the other posters and I just want to add that in order for your BH to start feeling safe in trusting you again, you must become an open book to him. This means you become accountable to him for everything, NOT as a sign of your subjugation to him but as a sign of your love for him.

You have got to keep in mind that his lashing out at you has little to do with hurting you but has a lot to do with showing you his hurt. If he didn't love you he most probably wouldn't be hurting right now and would have left you already. I know it is very hard for you to witness his pain and lashing out at you and I recommend that if you feel like crying in his presence please do so for it is one of the best demonstrations of remorse and sharing of pain that you can give him.

You do not deserve to be punish forever for your ONS but for the moment, some suffering on your part can go a long way in helping him recover.

P.S. Here is a link to a good e-book [really cheap, only $5] titled Infidelity Crisis: How to Gain Forgiveness and Respect After Your Affair.