Well, WH has left the city, supposedly to stay at parents house in same state. He was there up until Thursday of last week, I know for sure. He was here with me before that for about 8 days. OW had gone home to visit parents. She returned and I knew when she did, he got strange and quiet. I know he was talking to her a few days before leaving for his parents.

I have not heard from him since then, and I know OW was moving to 3 states away on past Friday. He told me that he was not going, but no phone call since. I know when he does not call it is because he is with her. I guess he is checking it out and trying to find out if that is what he wants. I found a card from her last week in his car before he left. It said I can not wait until this weekend, we will finally be together. All of my dreams will soon be coming true, just you and me, blah, blah. Lets take advantage of all of the opportunities we have. I am so proud of how far we have come..blah

I confronted him, he still said no, he was not moving. There has been no legal action on either part of us. I thought he was still trying to decide his next move. Evidently she helped him decide, he is there. I know it.

He will not call so I am not sure what to do. I need to know what he is doing. He still has mail and bills, coming to the house.

I want to work this out still. I am just not sure how. The lies continue. He sits right beside me and tells me that he is not going and there he goes.

She has a major hold on him. I am not sure if I can break it. He still asks how I can want to work it out with him and not be angry. I told him I am angry and sad. Sad that he continues to lie and tell me it is not her, that he does not love her, he loves me. He says he feels guilty when he is with her, because of me and because of the mess he helped create, meaning ruining two marriages. Her husband has filed and kicked her out. That is why she moved. Her name is mud in this city and I guess H feels his is too

Should I call again. I left two messages over weekend. Should I email. I just need to know where he is, it is getting rediculous.

anyone got any suggestions.. he did just call and left a message. it was very muffled, and static like. not sure if he is still with her in other state or on his way back home. all i got out of it, was i love you and i miss you. everything else was muffled and wind or static. i am not sure if he is still down there. if he was planning on being down there with her, why would he even say those things..

Hi,

I am not sure what to tell you. Your husband is definately fence sitting. How long have you been in Plan A. How do you feel. You need to take care of you for sure. Concentrate on you while husband decides which way he wants to go. So sorry you are going through this. I know how painful this is.

Read up on Plan A and Plan B. I don't know your situation, but Plan A is NOT to be a doormat. You confront when he has been with her, tell her it is not ok with you, it hurts you, etc.

If the A continues, you should not keep going on Plan A indefinitely. You need to decide where your boundaries are and enforce them.

Do NOT let him think it is ok to have you both. NOT going to work. Tell him you are hurt, but that when he goes NC with her and dedicates himself to working on your M you will partner with him in that effort. Give him hope, but ONLY if the OW is OUT of his life in EVERY way. You have a fencesitting cake eater still in the fog.

Have you exposed the A? That might help take away that fantasy from the two of them.

I guess I have been in Plan A since D-day,last week of June. I have of course done my share of LBing, crying, begging, etc. but as of lately I have done little of that. He knows I want to work this out, and have done all I can. He still says he does not know what he wants, and how can I still love him after all he has done. He says he does not love her, that he feels guilty most of the time when he is with her. He still continues contact and has gone to another state with her.

Actions speak! He is still in the fog! You must expose the A and help get it into reality. He keeps succombing to the addiction despite what he knows in his heart is the right thing. That is what my H did--for over a YEAR. She wouldn't give up and he wasn't strong enough. I didn't expose to her family and friends, she was divorcing her ex so I never talked to him. I think he knew before I did. Then I did not confront my WH and enforce my boundaries. I finally after so many false recoveries and recontacts, hit rock bottom. I could not look myself in the mirror and accept ANY kind of contact between them. I knew our M would never recover that way. I told him I was done, and I meant it. I called her and told her that I would contact every single person she knew, was related to, worked with and for and tell them EVERYTHING. She quit calling then. As far as Ican prove, my H hasn't contacted her. We are finally slowly getting into recovery. Please do what MUST be done and save yourself my experience.

Hi,

I would stay in plan A but make plans, ask your husband to come. That is when he comes home. If he don't come then go out yourself and leave him behind. Act like you are moveing on with him or without him. That should get his attention. Dress nice. Let him notice you. Act happy. It will get him wondering and maybe he will feel insecure enough to chase after you. When calls tell him you are going out with some girl friends. Let him wonder. Act like you are happy and moving on with your life and he may just want to join you.

I have told him all of that, that it hurts when he sees her. I want to work on marriage, when he goes NC and gets counseling,etc.

The affair is exposed. Her husband kicked her out and filed for D the day I told him. The whole town knows, that is why she picked up and moved. Evidently finances is not a problem.

My husband had to resign from his job due to this. She was a member at the resort he worked at, so when the news came out, everyone knew and he had to leave.

So now I am afraid he thinks the best thing is to go with her and leave the entire situation behind. He has no job now. Not sure if she will provide for him until he finds one, probably so, she has no one at this point and probably is holding on tight.

The fact is, you only control yourself. You can't make him go to her or not go to her. Sounds like he already has gone to see her anyway and wants to know he has you to come home to.

Did you read SAA? Sometimes you just have to let him go and do what he is going to do. Only you control your reaction to his actions. Has he seen the changes in you as far as meeting his needs? Please read the book. There is a limit to Plan A. His continuing contact, going to her in person is continuing the A all-out. You can't continue that behavior indefinitely. He needs to see what happens as a consequence of his actions.

lovetoomuch, when they are on the fence like yours, it is usually best to go to Plan B and yank them off. As it is now, he has no reason to end the affair because there are no consequences. He knows he can have her and keep you online for his convenience. However, if there were consequences, he would have to make a decision, and they almost always choose the spouse because there are so very many problems in a relationship based on lies.

Once you send him a Plan B letter, he won't be operating in an environment of secrecy anymore, which will ruin the fantasy aspect of his affair.

Plan B would also give you some much needed peace of mind by removing you from the situation. I think you are ripe for a Plan B.

I do not even have an address of where he is right now. I doubt he would give it to me, since it is actually her apt..

Would it be ok to email a letter? He may be checking that. Or should I just tell him the information on voice mail.

I have heard from him by voice mail only. He left one on cell and one on home yesterday. First contact he has made since last thursday night.