took the kids to church this sunday evening and came home and ww basicaly said that she wants M to work out. She agreed to NC. She wanted to make love that night.

I am happy but even more confused. I am scared that it is just temporary and that she is not true.

She wanted to make love again last night and we just talked. Is this normal behavior for a ws?

still doing plan A.
Talked to SH yesterday and he had some good suggestions based on new developments.

JAH

Careful! It sounds good, but just be careful. I also had a false recovery where he came back and threw himself into the M for about six weeks. Then I found out he was still seeing her at work and she was calling him at lunch time. Just be cautious. Lay your boundaries down now. Watch your own heart.

HINY

good news!!!!!!!!!!!!

did she admit to an affair...

what has she said about him

did you two do no contact together...

what is her plan??????????

what did steve it..

SPILL IT JUSTA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SPILL IT!!!!!!!!11

YOU'RE KILLING ME HERE.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I want details...about what she is saying
what about withdrawal..
what does she say the OM did for her..
what is she saying exactly...

tapping my foot impatiently...

ARK

Ark

Sorry for the delayed response....

That sunday night she woke up from napping on the playroom floor and said she wanted to have eat dinner with me. (we have been eating at separate times). I said ok and sat with her. She started to cry and said that she missed me. I told her that i missed her too. She said that she didnt want to loose everything. I said neither do we (me and kids).

We then started to talk about what this all means and i told her that before we can even think about working on M that the contact had to stop with OM. She agreed. I asked if she would be willing to write a nC letter and she reached for a pad and pen.....i told her not now ... i was just asking. She agreed.

keep in mind this all happened the night befreo my appoinment with SH. (she didnt/doesnt know about MB or SH)

She said she will stop if we decide to open our hearts to eachother in an effort to re-build our marriage. I told her that i do not want my old marriage. I want a new marriage, a stronger marriage with Her. She told me that she is scared and i said so am i.

She said that she was tired of being alone, tired of crying at night, tired of not sleeping. She told me she often woke up at night and saw me sleeping and wanted to hug me but didnt. I told her i did the same. She then asked why didnt hug her...I told her for hte same reason you did. I then told that i bet if we both take a paper and write down the reason and exchange the papers that it would say the same thing.

I didnt have paper in from of me so i handed her a dollar bill and i did the same. I wrote my word and she wrote hers. I wrote "rejection". She wrote "I was afraid that you didnt want to"....same thing in my book.

I asked her flat out what is it that she wants from me in a new M. She said (in this order)...she wants me to love her, she wants me to talk to her and she wants to do more things as a family. She wants to feel loved.

I told her that I want all those same things. She asked how do we start adn i told her "baby steps". I said that one way is to start going to MC together instead of apart. She agreed. She mentioned that my birthday is coming up and she was upset that i didnt want any festivities (i had gotten wind of a surprise 40th party for me and i told the planners that i wasnt going...i didnt want a party without my family....all of them...specifically her...I didnt want to have a party where she was sneeking out to call OM...that would hurt more.)

We then put the kids to bed and she asked if we could adopt a child together......This came out of left field for me. I didnt say yes or no i just asked why?.....She said becuase there are supposed to be 4 and there is one missing. I told her that there will always be one missing....no matter how many we have....She then started to cry again about our daughter.

I told her that its only going to get harder and touched on the withdrawal issues. She said that she is not speaking to OM and doesnt want to anymore. She said that a life of lieing is getting her no where.

Yesterday i played in a celebrity pro-am golf tournament and she called me all throughout the day and we talked. On my drive home we talked the whole way and i asked what happened between friday and sunday that she changed. She said she doesnt know. She said that when she woke from the nap in the playroom that she felt different. She never felt that way before and doesnt understand it. I dont understand it either.

Today she went out and bought me a dozen roses and a card.....Here is the text from the card

"Okay, weve both been around the block. we know a thing or two about realtionships and both have the scars to prove it. So heres what i'm Thinking....If i can love you, just you, as is (slight imperfections and all). and if you can love me, just me, as is (faults and all). If we can just try to be our best for each other....then maybe this can work. No drama, no games or pretending. No hedging, contingencies or holding back....Just openness and honesty. Just us together, giving love a brand-new shot....(then on the inside of the card it says).....What do you think?"

She signed it and said "Ilove you and want a new start....love C"

This weekend is my birthday and she is busy planning a dinner party....i told her not to and she refueses.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ark^^:
<strong> good news!!!!!!!!!!!!

did she admit to an affair...

what has she said about him

did you two do no contact together...

what is her plan??????????

what did steve it..

SPILL IT JUSTA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SPILL IT!!!!!!!!11

YOU'RE KILLING ME HERE.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I want details...about what she is saying
what about withdrawal..
what does she say the OM did for her..
what is she saying exactly...

tapping my foot impatiently...

ARK </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ark....

We havent discussed a plan yet but Steve H. also said the same thing about approaching her on a plan for recovery. He suggested that the plan be more of something we both agree upon and brainstorm on. Instead of the plan being a forced issue that she MUST follow its a journey that we take together....i thought this was very profound....

She has not admitted to a PA. She has admitted to an EA. She has agreed to a NC letter but we havent made one yet.

I just want to this all sounds very promising. Congratulations!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
But, I do agree with others take this slowly. You have already talked with SH so I am sure he has given you great advice.
I am just happy to see things are really looking up for you and hope this truly is the real deal.
Out of curiosity did something happen between your W and OM that you know of to make her change her mind? I know I'm just a bit suspicious but what do you expect from a BS.
Again, I wish you the best in this <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
CR

Wow,

You give me hope!

Right now I see no light. WW wants to keep relationship going, keeps denying it is anything serious, keeps saying she can't love me anymore, keeps saying we could never trust each other again, wonders when I will give up.

She is on the defensive becasue I've been setting up boundaries. He leaves in a few weeks. I have no idea how she will act/react.

Right now I see nothing to lead me to believe we have a chance.

Study POJA until you know it backwards and forwards...

Offer her POJA as a concept the next time she asks "How can we start again?"

Pep

I'm happy for you! I wish my WH would have given me the chance. It's nice to hear these storied of people willing to work on their M but it's also heart breaking for me.

I can only hope that my heart will heal and I can move on. Good luck to you.

I am taking very cautious baby steps.

I asked her if anything happened between her and om and what made her change her mind. She said nothing happened...she said she just started thinking about loosing everything. I think part of it was that she also saw that i was moving on and she could "actually" loose me. I think the weight loss i have had played a part in it. I am thinner now than i was when we got married 11 years ago. Right now she is very worried about me and other women....there is no need to worry on her part...im flatered but im not going down that road.

I am starting to discuss some of what i have learned here on the board and in the book. POJA has come up and she says it sounds like a great idea. One thing that is important is not to shove the book in her face but instead make it a journey that we both agree upon and a path to a new and better m.

In some ways im more confused now but i think the fog is clearing and there is at least some hope. This website and all of you people gave and give me hope.....The BS absolutly needs hope.

I think that emotional detachment and the appearance that your moving on is very important to a successful plan A. A consistent pattern of change that shows them what they can be loosing is the best advice i can give to a bs. It helps you deal with the pain and helps you visualize yourself and your future.

I sitll sleep with one eye open and listen with a cautios ear. I am dealing with an addiction here that can rear its ugly head at any time.

<small>[ October 06, 2004, 07:23 AM: Message edited by: Just a Husband ]</small>