I'm another new user to the board, and I thank you for reading. Married for 8 years, 2 children 6 & 2.

I recently realized that I haven't been providing the emotional needs for my wife for many years. I took her for granted, and as a result she has slowly started slipping away from me. I didn't realize the errors of my ways until she took things into her own hands and began making a life for herself without me. She has started earning good money, started going out with friends at night a lot, and has stopped being intimate with me.

After realizing my errors 2 month ago, I have being going 100% to fill the voids I have created. She tells me there is hope, but needs time to heal.

I've thought things were going well with the healing. I know she has had a close male friend at work who (I thought) did a lot of friend-type stuff with. I never had a problem with that, because I need to demonstrate my trust in her. Recently she was approached by her management at work that suspicions were flying around that the two of them were involved, and they needed to keep it out of the workplace.

She "appeared" infuriated with the accusations, and was always venting to me about it and how it was all untrue. Again, I beleived her, and supported her through it. I thought all was calmed down until this past weekend.

She approached me after going for a walk saying she got a call from a couple of friends who wanted to go out shopping for the day. I told her to go for it and have a great time.

When she got home 10 hours later, she recounted to me her day of meeting her friends and going shopping at these places. When I went to get the keys to the car from her purse, I saw in plain sight a pair of clean panties in her purse. I was instantly hit over the head with a red flag. There were also receipts from the day at times and places that totally conflicted with what she had told me. I also talked to one of her friends who she was supposedly shopping with (a friend of mine too) and she told me how she missed my wife and hadn't talked to her in weeks.

This happened 2 days ago, & I don't know how I have been able to contain myself from saying anything. She can tell I'm preoccupied, she keeps asking me what is wrong. Part of me wants to keep my eye on things and try to physically catch her with her friend from work.

Here are my questions:
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• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do I let it go and try to see if further suspicious things happen...try to catch her in the act if it is true?</font></li>

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• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why would she leave such "evidence" in plain site?</font></li>

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• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do I confront her now in a caring and non-angry way?</font></li>

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Please help, I am sorry this is so long-winded.

As a FWH and one who prided himself on being a professional liar living a double life for a period of time as I cheated on my BS...

I think it all sounds pretty suspicious.
As for "leaving evidence in plain sight" - I think she's just not very good at covering her tracks.
If she were, she would've discarded the underwear, made sure her story matched any documentation (receipts, etc.), and used a different friend you don't know as an alibi so you wouldn't be able to verify her whereabouts.

Any thoughts that maybe she's TRYING to make you suspicious and jealous? If she's looking for attention she has a strange way of trying to get it, but...

My advice?
Confront her calmly and only with the FACTS - i.e. - the receipts don't match, her friend said they weren't together that day - NOT with assumptions. Watch her face. If she crumbles or goes white or stammers around for an excuse, she's probably guilty.

If she's cheating and NOT good at covering it up, she certainly won't have a quick and acceptable response to the confrontation.

There were a few times in my M that I came dangerously close to being discovered when my BS started asking questions and I didn't have a good answer, and it eroded her trust in me until the day she finally went digging for more info...and found it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do I confront her now in a caring and non-angry way? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes. Have you read the basic concepts here? Prepare yourself for the worst and confront her with what you know. Make sure that you have plenty of time to talk through the issue uninterrupted. Do not LB. If whe is having an A you both need to get into some good MC with a pro-marriage counselor.

Wether or not your W is having an A I would recommend buying "His Needs Her Needs". If she is then you need "Surviving an Affair" and "Love must be Tough".

Good luck, and remember we are here for you when you need us. Take Care.

C.

Welcome to marriage builders. I think it is safe to say that your wife may be having an affair. The hallmark of an affair is deception and lots of denial.

If you choose to confront your wife, she will just get sneakier.

Start in Plan A. You can read all about it on the link in my sig line.

VnusMars, Shmaley, and Beleiver,

Thanks you all for your advice. The concensus looks like I should confront her in a respectful, non-attacking, and thoughtful manner.

My question back to you is this: how do I confront her in this manner when I essentially found out about her lies by sneaking through her pocketbook, and calling her friend behind her back?

It seems to me that when I relay to her these facts I have discovered, that will portray to her that I was proactively searching out her untrustworthiness. It seems she would recoil and feel like I violated her privacy. That is not the direction I want this to go...can you provide any pointers? Can I address the issue with her and not reveal that I went looking for suspicious receipts?

Thank you so much...

You only 'violated her privacy' with just cause. You came across something by pure chance and had find out what you could without insulting her about your suspicions.

If she gets very angry over this ask her the following "Why are you getting so angry and reacting the way you are if it is no big deal and I am wrong?"

Pace yourself. Track her cell phone calls online. Don't confront until you have more information, namely WHO the OM is. Part of Plan A is informing the OM's W, and that can be a critical part of ending an A. You WILL want to know WHO the OM is, or it'll drive you crazy. Your WW may not choose to divulge this information to you.

Another trick is to get a keyboard logger and install it on her computer. She'll not know it's there, and you can get hard evidence if she's in communication with the OM in that way.

Good luck
SD

<small>[ October 05, 2004, 02:36 PM: Message edited by: shattered dreams ]</small>

Thank you for your advice. I have been tracking her cell phone calls for a couple of months, and she does call him a lot. The crazy part is, she tells me that she calls him, just like she tells me about calling all her other friends. She likes to tell me about her day and all those she has talked to.

I'm thinking about putting a voice recoding device in her car, that is where she does most of her talking. I think that would shed a lot of light on the situation. Does anyone agree or disagree with this?

tolsen,

I knew my wife was hanging out with OM. Hell I even kissed her hello through his car window when they were going to lunch. The same car they probably made out in just a little while later. It just helps the WS justify their actions when they tell you about their "friend."

As far as recording her car....do what you are comfotable with.

unless the other person is in the car with her your only going to hear one side of the conversation. I think its safe to assume that at least there is an emotional involvment and if she is hiding or lieing about it then its wrong and you should confront her in a non-lb way.

You seem to have things together and you should present it to her in the same way....DONT yell....dont get angry and read up on plan A.
Read ARK^^ posts on plan a. They are very good. Just do a seach on "ARK^^" or "lighthouse".

Orchid has very good posts on reverse babble as well as others here who can give you some insight....TDVA, FM, PEP, and all the others here.....

come back often and post often....vent here if you have to but not at your wife.

I think the voice recorder is a good idea.

I do think you have enough proof of an A already.

Her telling you that she talks to him on the phone could just be part of her cover for trying to have you believe that this relationship is 'just friends'. In her mind she is telling you her version of the truth...not lying by this omission. It probably helps her conscience and helps her feel clever.

It think that Dr. Harley does not recommend maintaining friendships with the opposite sex that excludes our spouses. We shouldn't engage in conversations that cross the line in discussing our personal marital issues/problems with people of the opposite sex.

Thanks again for the input and support...I really need it right now. I stopped at barnes & noble on the way home to pick up the Doctor's book, plan to give it a thorough read before approaching her. I also picked up a voice recorder too. I definitely want concrete evidence that there is infidelity before I implement Plan A.

It is very hard (as many of you mentioned) biting one's lip and keeping a happy face right now, because I am dying inside. I am so happy to have my beautiful intelligent children to take my mind off this for short periods of time.

Thanks again,

Read it all, then go back and STUDY all of the information in Surviving an Affair. Read the parts especially about how to confront, and all about exposure. Many here will differ somewhat on to what extent one should expose the affair, but when you are ready, ask for help here, and you'll get several different opinions.

Another thing, when you are ready to confront, protect your sources, whether it be recorders, keyloggers, Privite I's or cell phone records. You may need those sources in the future. Also, if you get "hard copy" of any thing, when you confront, use copies, so the originals cannot be destroyed.

Hope this helps.

SD

I am geting confused from the input, especially Beleiver's. S/He says that confronting her may make her more sneaky, but then says to start Plan A. Isn't confrontation a part of Plan A?

I've also read from the book about the couple Sue, Jon, & Greg. My case sounds surprisingly familiar. My wife has been friends with OM for about 3 months. I DO NOT know if they are sleeping together...but from the example int he book, their relationship may be building to that point...if not there already.

I want to stop this in its tracks now, but feel I lack the sufficient evidence (in the act) to expose and confront.

Can anyone lend me some advice from their experience.

Thank you so much...

My lawyer says that the voice recorder is a felony if you are caught. It might be worth it to you, but be prepared for more pain than you can imagine.

I have an appt with a lawyer, so I will talk with them about it. I only plan on using it to give me clues possible future meeting times/locations...not as evidence in court. I want to work this out, not gather all the evidence I can for litigation.

I am geting confused from the input, especially Believer's. S/He says that confronting her may make her more sneaky... but then recommends starting Plan A. Isn't confrontation a part of Plan A?

I've also read from the book about the couple Sue, Jon, & Greg. My case sounds surprisingly familiar. My wife has been friends with OM for about 3 months. I DO NOT know if they are sleeping together...but from the example in the book, their relationship may be building to that point...if not there already.

I want to stop this in its tracks now, but feel I lack the sufficient evidence (in the act) to expose and confront.

Can anyone lend me some advice from their experience.

Thank you so much...

i think its all about timing....make sure you seek advice from your attorney...thats number 1.

If you expose now she will go further underground making it harder for you to "know". Knowledge is power and the power you have is that you know they are in communication. This will actually help you with plan A.

you can let her know that it hurts you that she is communication but dont let her know how you know.

IMO i think its important that you let them know how they are hurting you....but do it in a non-lb way and dont beat them over the head with it.

tolsen, you want to sit tight and gather as much info as you can before confronting. Please read this excellent thread by John39 to understand what you need to do and in what order. It does provide important links to Plan A ect. This may clear up your confusion. KB

I see this as fairly straightforward. Your wife has a relationship with another man that has 1. adversely affected her work environment and now 2. adversely affected her home life. I don't see where you need further information on this, unless you need the documentation for a future divorce. I would share what you know in a non-confrontational matter. As far as invading her privacy I would share with her that you happened upon the underwear and given the previous suspicions at work tried to find evidence to corroborate her story. The further you looked the more inconsistencies you discovered. I think now is the time to begin pushing for no contact (of course she will resist) but I think you should hold firm on this. Why wait until it is more established just so you can have more evidence? What purpose does this serve? It is clear your wife needs to initiate no contact regardless of whether this is an affair or not. Infidelity occurs on a gradient, why let this situation get any further out of control.

I don't post much. But your story sounds similar to mine. My W had an EA with a married friend of ours. We did things as couples etc. Since this occurred in front of me, I blindly trusted my W. Eventually, I saw the cell phone records and saw 500 calls over a 5 month period. With proper exposure, it ended. In truth though, my gut was my guide.

My advice is to check out a few more sources of information, such as cell records. We had detailed billing so it was easy. However, in MC my W has admitted that they started talking more and more in the end about personal matters (e.g. his unhappy marriage), and that she was opening up more in the friendship. If this is true in your case, you do not have much time to investigate. I was fortunate that I learned enough details in time. Don't take too much time to decide.

IMO you have to stop the relationship as soon as possible to avoid it going further. I set up an appointment with a marriage counselor before exposure and confronting. This may seem odd, but I was going regardless and told my W that. Fortunately, my W agreed to go without any disagreement. She still denies anything other than a friendship, but I believe this whole thing broke down none too soon.

Some people have told you that you have enough to confront and that may be true. If you can get more, I would. This will allow you to reveal some, but not all sources, when you do confront. If she is having an A she will try and keep it going and you may need other ways to verify her words. Whatever you do, however, do not wait too long.

I wish you the best.