Maduro, thank you, that is good info. Is there any way we can talk off-line. I would like to hear how you handled it in more detail.

The cell phone records speak for themselves, she calls him a lot, but as I mentioned she actually tells me that she talks to him...she doesn't even erase the call history from her phone, so it is very easy to see before the monthly bill comes. I track their conversations times/frequency daily.

My gut tells me that she is at the beginning stages of really becoming attached to this guy, so yes, action now seems smart. I would just like to try to learn from you how you handled it, and if any mistakes were made in the confrontation that could better able me to appoach her in the most respectful way.

Tolsen-

I have great appreciation for the gut. If I can help, you can reach me at Maduro_ya1955@yahoo.com

Tolsen, do you already know how to contact the guy's wife if he has one? I'd make sure you know that before confronting her, you just may end up needing the leverage later. The problem with jumping too quickly is that the WS can go deep underground with the relationship which makes it that much harder for you. Patience and stealth can pay off in your case.

I would however, start with a FRANK talk about how uncomfortable you are with blind, open trust GIVEN that:
1. She was not with who she said she was on a given day.
2 The clean panties in her purse that particular day.
3. The mismatching reciepts.

The panty thing is not that unusual actually, she may have been worried she might have an accident that day or or something. The lying about who she was with and the receipts are another matter.

Can't remember if anyone has recomended Shirley Glass's book Not Just Friends to you yet but definitely read it. It has very clear explanations as to why boundaries are SO neccesary. You can share this with your wife as a means of setting up some new parameters in your relationship. It sounds like it's high time there were some. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

If you are going to actually use the voice recorder you bought, you will know very quickly the extent to which your wife is involved with this guy. Have you been able to check out the thread I linked you to? KB

Hi KB,

Yes, I did check out the link you sent. I printed out a few of the posts hyperlinked to it, and plan on reading them tonight. Thank you very much.

Yes, I did get the voice recorder, and it is in her car as we speak. You're right, I beleive it will speak volumes about her activites, and I may wait for something a little more concrete before confronting her. Then again, it may prove that I am wrong about this (I hope I'm not in denial). Either way, it will definitely shed light on the matter.

I've been doing my best to be happy, upbeat, and supporting for the past few days...but I think she can tell something is lingering in my mind because she told me she thought my happy attitude seemed faked. I'll just keep it up an remember that I love her...and that I played a part in her looking elsewhere to fill certain ENs.

Thank you for your support, it really means a lot to me.

Confronting, confronting, confronting....

I've searched around the board and read a lot of threads about confronting the OM. Most of what I have read is that people have had bad experiences with confronting the OM.

He works with my wife, and according to her :he is single, but is a player...goes out partying a lot flirts a lot with women etc. She went as far as to tell me the other day that he broke up with his girlfriend and is now "getting busy" with a different woman from their work.


My gut tells me I need to exposue my knowledge to him, but post on this board tell me otherwise. Has anyone had any good experiences in confronting the OM?

Darn, you have way less leverage if he is single or has no steady GF to protect. Are they coworkers or is he a superior in any way? How's that recorder working out for you?

I think you definitely need a little more to go on before you confront. My H "confronted" the OM at the point he thought it was still "just" a friendship and we just got that much better at covering up. He tipped his hand too soon and we were able to extend the affair for quite a long period of time. What exactly were you thinking of saying to the guy? Have you talked with your wife yet? KB

They work in a Home Improvement Warehouse. They are in different departments, and he is 1 step higher on the management food chain than she is.

I have not talked with my wife yet...I am teetering on whether (1) I should wait and get more "proof", or (2) confront now to prevent the relationship from escalating. One side says to confront her tonight, the other says to wait it out just a little more.

The voice recorder was put in action yesterday, nothing revealed though.

I plan to tell the OM something to the effect of:
</font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I love my wife and will not lose her</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I will wait as long as it takes for the relationship to end</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I want him to stop all contact with her, and avoid her at work</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't hold him at fault for creating this situation</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What may seem like a fun fling for him could result in her losing her lifestyle, children, home, and husband</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

bump

Not a good idea just yet. Those are the almost the EXACT words my H said to the OM, to no avail. You don't have any other information other than that they talk on the phone, right? You don't know that it was HIM she was with the day she had the mismatched reciepts. In reality it could have be someone entirely different.

Remember, in the "MB world" WE realize that male/female friendships have the potential to be/become inappropriate but in the rest of the world that idea just doesn't fly. I think they see it as more of an abberation, something that doesn't happen often. Unfortunately, a lot of us here know better but this also does not mean that every M/F friendship is a possible affair either. You are at the research point right now.

It needs to be explained to her that you have learned some things about building a strong, healthy marriage and that you'd like to work towards that together. Be enthusiastic about it.

This really isn't about nipping it in the bud before it escalates b/c UNLESS you work out a different agreement (see the POJA link) about how the both of you spend your recreational time, if they really ARE involved they will just become that much more clever at covering their tracks with you none the wiser. Whew, long sentence, sorry! Right now she doesn't have a clue you suspect her of anything.

Confronting before you know anything damming is really not nipping "it" in the bud but neither is keeping your mouth shut (as far as accusing your wife of an affair) allowing "it" to escalate. You are being proactive with the recorder. So far nothing, hope it stays that way.

The fact that the guy is higher up in the home improvement food chain is a GOOD thing! Keep it in the back of your mind. Employers FROWN on these types of problems.

You do seriously need to talk to your wife in a general sense right now, about your boundaries and how you feel uncomfortable with the amount of time she spends away with "friends". You want to look at the Plan A links carefully before this conversation.

Plan on making an effort to spend a minimum of 15 hours a week doing fun things together, they don't have to be big, just fun. Even a female friend can replace a husband in terms of emotional fullfillment. YOU want to be the one to meet her ENS. Find out what they are, bring her the questionaires and do them together.

I am a firm believer that if it walks like a duck, talks like a duck then IT'S A DUCK but you need something way more concrete before thinking you can influence the guy by talking to him. If he KNOWS you don't know anything more than you do and something really is going on,you are going to look like a total fool. I DON'T want that for you!!! If I can help you to avoid some of the mistakes my H made, that would be good. one step at a time. Wait on talking to the guy FOR NOW. Keep your ears and eyes OPEN meanwhile.

Holding his job over his head is something you can do when you have PROOF that this is an inappropriate relationship. In the meanwhile work with your wife on the changes you would like to make in the marriage. Keep your wife close by your side. Come up with things to do, places to go ect. I'll keep my eye out for you, Tolsen. I have been in over my head with a major project this last week but if I can be of further help to you in anyway, please ask, I'll make the time. KB

KB,

I am amazed at the love and support that is here on this board. I've only been here 4 days, and I find it so comforting to find people like you and others who have been so caring and offering support. I have no one to talk to about this situation, the board is my only means of outlet. Again, I appreciate your care and the care of the others who have taken interest, especially Maduro.

Excellent news from last night. When I got home from work, wife & I went grocery shopping. Within minutes of getting in the car, she tells me that she learned today that the OM got a promotion, and will be moving to another store come Monday (still in the same metropolitan area though).

She then said: "It's good that he is leaving."

I didn't question her on what she meant, just let the statement go. I remained composed, although I wanted to get out of the car and do a jig on the side of the road. She didn't seem phased by his pending departure, and was quite nice to me throughout the evening, and even cuddled in bed...something that has been in very short supply of late.

I remained composed, although I wanted to get out of the car and do a jig on the side of the road.

I am not naive enough to think this will end something, if something exists...I am still on full alert with my info collection. Day 2 of voice recorder with no bad signs.

We both have the weekend off together (very very unusual), and we have several family events planned.

Thank you, and I will keep you posted on events.