I am looking for information on the classic OM profile. I am trying to learn as much as i can about the OM personality because my WW's OM was very successful in Re-Writing our marital history. He "helped" my wife to see how bad our marriage was/is and "helped" her to realize how that our Marriage was a giant mistake and all that we've had together is crap.

BTW - when does a WW start to come out of this thinking. My WW still talks about the fact that our R was horrible since inception (even though she never said so prior to starting her affair).

KCM - this is one of the best profiles I've read. It's from a book "Tempted Woman" (and Mac, if you're lurking, here it is again <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> and Mac, if you're lurking - how are you?)

"- OM is something close to the opposite of your H.

- Married women usually have affairs with married men because in the beginning they are classified as "safe." "He's married so we can be friends and he won't hit on me."

- The relationship usually develops from a friendship. It develops slowly.

- OM knows how to give compliments

- He makes you feel as though you are sharing something important during your time spent together

- May offer emotional support if marriage troubles are discussed

- OM is good at creating a sense of fun, playfulness, or just an upbeat attitude that may be missing at home.

- He listens w/ empathy & understanding. He's a good communicator. You feel truly heard.

- He encourages you in your goals.

- He is persistent.

- If sex is involved it is usually does not come for three to six months into the relationship.

- For women the emotional bond must come first. They must feel that they love the OM.

What the OM wants:

- They want the A to stay w/in bounds

- They thrive on the diversion, the excitement of the illicit, forbidden sex. the variety. His W may not like to try "new" things.

- Some get relief from home. May be having M issues. May have a W that ignores him for kids, work, etc.

- Able to reveal themselves emotionally.

- Doesn't want the R to get serious!!

- He may say "I love you" but he still isn't committing to anything

- Some men regard an A as an addition to marriage not as possible replacement

- Most men let the married women know about the restrictions of the R. "I'd never divorce my wife because of the kids." That is the number 1 excuse the OM uses

- The woman's emotional investment flatters the OM but causes discomfort

One interesting piece of info. Married women are unlikely to end the undiscovered A. It's usually the OM. That is except for the FWW who stumble into the MB threads!!

Why men react with so much fury;

- a husband feels dishonored

- humiliated in the eyes of "society." Even today we are conditioned to think that a married man is more likely to have an A.

- less likely to be suspicious therefore causes more shock. Because of our conditioning wives tend to watch husbands for signs. Not likely the other way around. Our egos tell us," she'd never cheat on me. I provide for her. I tell her I love her. etc"

- they are frightened. Worried over the future. Don't feel needed.

- Male competition in sex is acute. Has been for eons.

- Emasculated that OM may be better in bed or may have a superior sex organ. You women say that size doesn't matter well even if your telling the truth from your perspective it doesn't matter because size matters to men!"

Jen

^Bump for KCM

KCM,

What you describe about the OM rewriting your M history sounds typical. Both affair partners seem to be inclined to rewrite history, or at the very least make their problems sound worse than they actually are, in order to gain more sympathy from the OP. I'm so sorry you are experiencing this. How are things going?

Rose

Hi KiwiJ,

The profile you posted of the OM seems so accurate, it's spooky. Do you think the behavior is premeditated, or just typical for some other reason?

Sorry if I misread or have you mixed up with someone else, but I think I read in one of your posts on another thread that part of the reason your FOM wanted to have sex was because the two of you didn't when you were teenagers. My FOM used that same reasoning. Sometimes I wonder if he has looked up all his old gf's and is continuing to attempt to put more notches on his bedstead.

Rose

I am doing o.k.

Triggers are driving me crazy. I can't stand it. She just doesn't seem to understand how bad this is. She just wants to act like it is going to go away.

Good morning KCM,

The WS is usually the one who wants to act like it will all just go away. I guess it makes sense that it's easier for us to hope that, and easier for us to be willing/ready to forget our mistakes.

Triggers happen to both sides, though. Will your W talk to you about that? Do you know a lot of details about the A, or is your mind running wild? It's hard to say if knowing details would make it better or worse. My H didn't want details, but sometimes I wondered if the truth might not be as bad as his imagination.

Triggers for the WS will obviously affect him/her differently than they do the BS, and I only know how it feels from the WS side. What helped for me sometimes was to remind myself during a trigger that although it felt like it was happening right now (embarrassment from a memory, fear from d-day, etc.), it really wasn't happening right now, and that I was on the recovery side. Then take deep breaths.

I know it's different for the BS, I just thought I'd pass along what helped me. There have been a lot of threads about triggers. I will say that triggers happen less and less as time goes by, and that people's reactions become less intense over time.

Early on after our d-day, all my H and I knew to do sometimes was to hold each other until the worst moments passed. Then sometimes, we needed to get away from each other and nurse our wounds alone. It really is a roller coaster, isn't it?

God bless,

Rose

Wow...just reading this, I realized that my BS/WW OM doesn't fit ALL of these criteria!! Should I take that as a good sign that they WON'T end up together, or the opposite? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />


"- OM is something close to the opposite of your H.
--------
My W: "I realized that he's almost exactly like you in a lot of ways, his personality and tastes."


- Married women usually have affairs with married men because in the beginning they are classified as "safe." "He's married so we can be friends and he won't hit on me."
---------
My BS/WW OM is single.


- The relationship usually develops from a friendship. It develops slowly.
---------
They started talking and within 1.5 months they were in an A. She pursued him.


- OM knows how to give compliments
- He makes you feel as though you are sharing something important during your time spent together
- May offer emotional support if marriage troubles are discussed
- OM is good at creating a sense of fun, playfulness, or just an upbeat attitude that may be missing at home.
- He listens w/ empathy & understanding. He's a good communicator. You feel truly heard.
- He encourages you in your goals.
---------
He does, from what she says, but isn't always good at it and often says the WRONG thing.


- He is persistent.
----------
Actually she says he has been a bit...standoffish at times (he lives 2000 miles away, so that helps).


- If sex is involved it is usually does not come for three to six months into the relationship.
--------
They first had sex within the first 1.5 months.


- For women the emotional bond must come first. They must feel that they love the OM.
---------
Nope. Although she said at times she was 'falling in love' with him, but that has waned some.


What the OM wants:

- They want the A to stay w/in bounds
- They thrive on the diversion, the excitement of the illicit, forbidden sex. the variety. His W may not like to try "new" things.
------------
Well, these are out of the picture since they're still seeing each other post-DDay of my own A's.


- Some get relief from home. May be having M issues. May have a W that ignores him for kids, work, etc.
---------
Single.


- Able to reveal themselves emotionally.
--------
She says he's very guarded emotionally, whereas I'm more open and heart-on-my-sleeve.


- Doesn't want the R to get serious!!
---------
Now that we're separated, he's being a little more pro-active on this - but she's not, she could easily leave town to be with him but she's doing the opposite.


- He may say "I love you" but he still isn't committing to anything
---------
Hasn't said it yet, from what I can tell.

And all the reasons why the BH freaks out? Yep. Those were me.