I have found that my wife is just beginning an A with a woman. I confronted her with strong evidence a few weeks ago before it really started and she denied it strongly. I didn't have rock solid proof and backed off a little to let her calm down. Big mistake I guess. Anyway, My wife thinks I'm going out of town for a few days and she has made arraignments for the OW to spend a night at our house. I know which night. I have since gathered rock solid evidence of the A but wonder if I should let the OW come over and then come home in the middle of the night to see whats going on. Any suggestions? The other proof I have will lead to a fight about invasion of her privacy. Catching them will not disclose my sneaking around looking for clues...

If you want honesty, you can't contrive a lie to cover up your snooping. Tell her what you know and how you know it. It's called Radical Honesty. Yes, she'll be mad that you invaded her privacy...but so what? How mad are you? She can't privacy if she's willing to live a double life....and you'd be silly to give it to her. Honesty goes both ways....let her explain why you should trust her or not make an effort to discover the truth when she's been lying to your face? Don't be a coward....and don't let her turn this around on you. Ambushes are volatile and unpredictable...accidents waiting to happen! Don't go there.

<small>[ October 05, 2004, 03:02 PM: Message edited by: star*fish ]</small>

Your W may be mad at you about how you obtained the information but you do have every right to know. If the information you have is truly "rock solid" I would ask her about it in a very calm way.
It could possibly backfire on you if you came home to catch your W and she is not doing anything. Just my opinion.
CR

make sure you take all the factors into consideration...do you have kids at home?...Even if you catch them....then what....Assume you did catch them.....then what....What is it that YOU want from this relationship. Just because you have 100% proof doesnt mean that they will stop.

You know what?

I would talk to your W as soon as possible.
I would try to stay as calm as possible but I would lay it all out on the table with her.

I would prefix it by saying how much you love her and want to appreciate her and how you want to have a long, long, loving marriage.

I'd tell her everything I know and ask her to be patient while you go over it.

Then I would ask for a response.

She will either give you a loving or hostile response.....either way you can let it blow over and put in her mind the potential for joy and openess with YOU (not the OW)

Read MB concepts so they can be there to pull out and use as you go along.

I hope you caught the A in time to extinguish it fairly easily.

&#65279;Thank you all for your thoughts.

Here is another thought of mine. I'm not sure what I might catch them doing if anything. I do
know if I stay home they are going out of town together to a hotel. Should I confront her before
hand with the proof I have? It's very sneaky sure to lead to a battle. This is from another thread I
started that didn't go anywhere yet:


I am looking for different opinions. I suspected my W having an A and looked through emails. I confronted her with evidence that was not that strong and she was furious. She stopped emailing and only contacted the OW over the phone. I cannot listen to cell calls but I have recorded VERY revealing conversations about the A. How do I confront her with this evidence without starting a fight that may lead to divorce? She is definitely sexually involved and the A is very new, so I know the feelings are very strong. I kinda feel justified with the need to find the truth so I may salvage our M and family (2 kids). Any suggestions? Is what I did wrong? I would not have found out for sure any other way. Should I confront her now?

Dup post

<small>[ October 05, 2004, 04:26 PM: Message edited by: stumpedsoul ]</small>

I say catch them in the act. You'll become public enemy #1, but what have you got to lose? They'll be no deniability after that. Oh, for sure, she'll likely still deny it anyway.

The time for radical honesty will come later. It takes two - you can't clap with one hand. Today you're at war and all snooping is good and necessary. Think not of this deviouness as dishonesty, but as necessary affair research.

But you must be sure that you'll catch them. The down side of miscalculating this is huge.

<small>[ October 05, 2004, 04:27 PM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

WAT, he already caught them....no need to catch them twice. He has irrefutable evidence in the form of recorded phone calls. The question is....is he strong enough to use it? I say he should, instead of miscalculating and creating a bigger snafu.

I guess I missed that fact.

But she's still denying, right? The "irrefutable" evidence wasn't good enough?

I agree, catching them again may not be necessary.

But here's another angle to consider: consider NOT what catching them - seeing them together - means to the WS, consider what it can mean to the BS. A visual picture to end all doubt.

In this case we're talking about a homosexual affair. If his WS has "decided" that she's homosexual - and the BS gets this visual picture to reference - it may make his moving on a bit easier, if it comes to that. In the least, he can for sure end all snooping and not agonize any further over whether he's the imaginative one.

WAT

Thanks star*fish and WAT.

The question I have now is should I confront her with audio recordings now or wait until/if I catch them? The time I may catch them is in two days. I must consider that if I allow them together, they will have personal time together before I "come home". Maybe if I confront her now, it may prevent them from the contact when WS realizes the possible consequences to her actions. Or maybe it will drive them closer together. Man this sucks...

The audio tape is undeniable. She cannot dispute the evidence. But she can get mad and leave.
Stumped...

Prevention is worth a pound of cure...my mama said so. As with all affairs....preventing further contact is better than letting get more intimate and enabling it in any way.

Thanks again star*fish.

Many people here have a lot of respect for you. Thanks for replying to me. I think I will try prevention without catching them. I'm just worried about her learning I taped her phone calls. That's a big invasion of her privacy. But I HAD to know for sure. How will I handle her anger and try to justify the intrusion?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by stumpedsoul:
<strong> Thanks again star*fish.

Many people here have a lot of respect for you. Thanks for replying to me. I think I will try prevention without catching them. I'm just worried about her learning I taped her phone calls. That's a big invasion of her privacy. But I HAD to know for sure. How will I handle her anger and try to justify the intrusion? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">huh? What do you possibly have to justify? You have done nothing wrong. No one has the right to the privacy to have an affair. No one has the right to the privacy to destroy you behind your back. It is not an "invasion of privacy" to catch your spouse having an affair, because she has no such right to privacy in a marriage.

Don't let her guilt you for catching you. There is nothing to feel guilty about.

I'm with star*fish.

Expose what you have to her.

And screw the "privacy" thing. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> This is a classic, classic WS defense mechanism. Pretty hypocritic, huh? Do not apologize for your successful snooping.

When you hear the angry privacy defense, simply and calmly state that you are interrested in saving your marriage.

She will invaribly answer that "you've really done it now!!! This marriage is OVER!!! I can't stay with someone I can't trust!!!"

Take it to the bank. She WILL say something like this. Expect it and believe us that this is a "normal" WS defense reaction. Very, very typical.

WAT

<small>[ October 05, 2004, 06:29 PM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

You have every right to know as it is your collective future / well being thatis on the line. WS's all seem to deny and make the betrayed spouse (you) feel like they are invading their pivacy.
I agree that you should try prevention first, although your WS may want to know why you were taping her conversations in the first place. Be calm, when doing this, although I suspect it's not going to be easy for you given how you may be feeling.
If like most WS's she denies it, then you may consider going out of town as planned and get a private investigator to confirm it for you. Give her the details of where you are staying so she can call you. If she feels comfortable that you are away she may conduct her "affair" as planned. Sneaky but worth considering..

Wat and Melody speak from experience....and so do I. Expect her to be self rigteous and furious that you would do such a thing!....conveniently ignoring that she just lied, decieved, and betrayed you.

It could be that her perception of your invasion will be the excuse she uses to end your marriage...but the truth is...that without confrontation and exposure...the affair will end your marriage anyway. You gain absolutely nothing by being silent. Intervention doesn't come with guarantees....but it does increase the odds that without secrecy your wife may end this affair. Affairs need secrecy....do not provide it.

Gender of the affair partner is irrevelent in terms of process....but it may help you to understand what needs your wife may have felt were neglected. Use that information to help you save your marriage and offer remaining with you as an attractive alternative.

I forgot to give you a (((((((((((((hug))))))))))but I'm sure you could use one. I'm sorry this is happening to you. Be strong, be calm, no lovebusting....and don't let her make this about you. You have every right to use whatever means you have available to you to protect your health and your marriage.

Best of Luck...please keep us posted.

If she gets angry that you have snooping on her, say:

"I am very upset that you put me in this position in the first place! You do not have the right to the privacy to carry on an affair."

Just remember, you are no more wrong for catching her than are the police when they snoop on and catch a drug dealer.

You have a RIGHT to know what is going on in your own life, and she has NO RIGHT to lie and withhold pertinent details from you!

Stumpedsoul,
I would go for the catch them in the act option but it would be for personal reasons that would probably cause most folks here to think that I am insane.

I don't want to thread jack but I have a snooping related question. Recently my WxW started showing the first signs of guilt and made a half a$$ apology. I told her I couldn't accept until we could sit down and she tell me the truth and truthfully answer the questions I have. She said that she couldn't do that because I tell the kids too much. I told her I don't tell them anything, I do answer their questions honestly taking their ages into consideration. She said that she knows I don't trust her and now she doesn't trust me. I asked her several times what I ever did to make her not trust me. She never answered that question. I [censored]-u-med that she meant that she didn't trust me because she thinks I tell the kids too much. Now ya'll have me wondering could she mean that she doesn't trust me because of the "spying" (as her mother tells the kids)that I did before Dv day when trying to find the truth myself?

<small>[ October 05, 2004, 08:10 PM: Message edited by: deafjeff ]</small>

Thank you all for the advice. I am really hesitant to tell her what I know because our relationship has really gotten better over the last few months. We are talking about the future with our family and will be moving far away in about 6 months. That should end all physical contact. So do I let it go on and wait the 6 months and plan A her to death in the meantime or risk ending it all right now? The last thing I want is for her to be out of my life. I know I can forgive her. I love her...