Well the day after the "talk" to let her know I knew, things went OK. We had another talk that seemed productive and she really seemed sorry and admitted the A. We seemed to talk most stuff out and she seemed to want to try and save our family. She was calm the whole time. Then came the weekend trip. She really wanted this trip because it is a national tournament with many top pros. Anyway, she went anyway after I told her I did not feel comfortable and preferred she didn't go. She did say she would end contact but wanted to talk to OW about ending A because she wants to give us a chance. I don't understand that, but I guess I have to accept that. I will see what next week brings. If we talk and formulate a recovery plan I will be happy. If she hesitates about ending contact, I guess I'll start the exposure process. Thanks for the help...

stumped,

You should consider the tournament renewed contact. Ending a relationship should not be done in person....as you can imagine, it usually does the opposite of what it's supposed to do. Don't be surprised if she comes back with a stronger connection or empty promises instead of real no contact. That isn't unusual. Continue to confront her about your feelings in a respectful way that is about you.

If she is serious about saving your family....start looking at a true recovery plan that includes a no contact letter, MC, accountability and extraordinary precautions to avoid the lover. Many people survive infidelity...only to fail in recovery because they don't protect or rebuild the marriage. If you find ANY contact after the weekend....please take the next step of exposure.

I will keep you in my prayers stumped. I hope that your wife comes back ready to truly make this work....but affairs are often messy business...and sometimes it takes time and even failures before the fog lifts completely. I've seen WSs end contact right after d-day and never have contact again...I've seen others waffle and fence sit for 3 years before going home...right now there's no way to tell. Going to the tournament is certainly not the best sign. You can't keep her home, but I hope you continued to say how much the decision hurts you....she needs to hear that.

Demonstrating that the marriage is an attractive alternative to the affair is essential for lifing the fog...so keep doing your best to not to LB and show her that you are capable of filling her needs.

Thanks again Star*fish. I guess now I have a few days to think. I have to wait for next week to see if anything changes. We talk a little on the phone, but she is more reserved than in person, so I won't press her to talk about it on the phone.

The OW just came out of a long-term relationship of 7 yrs and now has no significant other, so there is nobody on her side to expose this to. I have wondered about me contacting the OW and asking her to at least give our family a chance. If she truly has feeling for my W, let my W have the opportunity to have a family. If we cannot work it out, she will still be there. Suggestions?

"I have wondered about me contacting the OW and asking her to at least give our family a chance. If she truly has feeling for my W, let my W have the opportunity to have a family. If we cannot work it out, she will still be there. Suggestions?"

Expose 2 her immediate family then, if she's not in another R. I like the idea of a "confrontation" conversation, but make sure you do this by the book - like go 2 Penny Tupy's forum and read the thread that includes a sample exposure letter. Do NOT talk about her being there if your M doesn't work out. You want her out of your life forever, not waiting in the wings (which will subliminally harm your ability 2 recover, because your W will have an "out" ready if things aren't going well between you).

best,
-ol' 2long

Thanks 2long, good point.

The last 2 days were tough. I think it's setting in that my W had sexual contact with another person. Had a good talk last night and W said she has been thinking alot and wants to work on M. She is really involved in her sport and wants to finish the tournament because it's a chance of a lifetime to play with the pros. She asked me to bear with her as she does this. I have no choice except to believe her. Any thoughts?

stumped,

Would you be able to attend the tournaments with her?

Rose

I am going to try and attend the tourmanent next weekend (the last one). I will see if she puts up a fight. The OW and her would be alone if I cannot go. Hopefully she will say she wants me to go.

If you can't go, try 2 get her 2 agree not 2 go with the OW!

If you CAN, get a hold of a counselor early next week, see if your W would be willing 2 start marriage counseling with you. If you could get hold of one of the Harleys or Penny Tupy, they could help you negotiate what 2 do about the OW before the last 2rnament.

best,
-ol' 2long

Thanks 2long. I am trying to convince her to seek counseling together. She is reluctant at this point. She is kinda shy and I think she knows it will center towards her and that makes her nervous. I think over the phone may work. I'll give it a try. The Harleys and penny, are they accessible through this site on the counseling pages?

Update:

Now I'm really stumped. I confronted W about her A. She admitted it and that she was wrong. She says she wants to try and save family. The last few days have been heaven. The love I feel from her in the little things she does is great. I haven't felt this way in a long time. She initiates intimate moments and we talk long about when we first met and how wonderful that was and how we are both starting to feel that way again. then I hear her on the phone with OW talking about living together and being a couple. They talk about their sexual activities and how they want to continue their relationship and maybe even move in together. I have not confronted her yet on her continued contact and know that will split up apart again. I will confront her and start the exposure process as early as today. Question: does this seem salvageable? She says she is sorry and wants us to work out, and then calls OW and says same thing. I know - cake eater, but if I force the issue again, she may go with OW because it's easier than working on our problem. I almost wish I didn't love her, then it would be easy to get out...

I do agree that exposure is necessary at this point. However, I think it must be done with great care because of the volatility of this particular situation. Your wife may be unprepared for the judgemental responses she could recieve when her same-sex affair is revealed. That is why she was so adamant about no one knowing...because she may have some real fears about how others will think of her. That's good to a degree...but try small doses first and see if that doesn't end the relationship before it causes her too much embarrassment. For that reason, please choose her most loving and trusted friend or family member (who won't freak out)...and no one else for now. It might be a pastor. It might be her mother. It should be someone whose opinion matters to her and whose counsel she will heed.

<small>[ October 14, 2004, 10:21 AM: Message edited by: star*fish ]</small>

Thanks again Star for your help. It is greatly appreciated.

We had a long talk today and I told her I know the A is still ongoing. She keeps saying she is now being watched at every turn and feels trapped. She has become very sarcastic and says she will try it my way and everything will be great and she will be the happiest wife ever. It's obviously resentment for me pressing the issue. she says she will work on M because I said she "had to", like now I'm trying to control everything she does. unfortunately she will be with OW this weekend due to work events and I will not be able to be there. She says she will have no contact after this weekend. I'm not sure if I believe her but she did say she will do phone counseling when she gets back. My worry is that her and OW may be planning something for her to leave. do you think that's a possibility, or is she just babbling fog?

Yes it IS possible. Her sarcasm is a big part of the fog....so expect more of it until she actually attains no contact and gets past withdrawal. When she says she feels trapped and watched....reply "yes, I understand. I wish that mistrust was not the natural consequence of affairs, but I'm only human, and I need to protect myself too."

Now...who have you chosen to expose the affair to? Do NOT wait until after this weekend...this weekend constitutes more contact and any promise she makes to end it afterwards is simply lip service. Pick wisely and proceed.

I know you're hurting...I send my prayers.

I have revealed the A to a close friend of hers whom I know she has great respect for. W is now at work and leaves early in the AM for the trip. Should I make a conscious effort to let W know I told her friend, or let her find out from friend? If I don't tell W I told friend, she probably won't find out until after weekend...

I have revealed the A to a close friend of hers
You should reveal it to everyone, not just one close friend.

Let the friend approach your wife..when she is ready to do that. You can't control this situation chere...not even with exposure. Hopefully, this friend will talk to your wife...encourage her to talk to your wife....but other than that...there isn't much you can do except continue to tell your wife that this hurts you, and you believe this trip will further harm your marriage. Fogged spouses are just not very receptive creatures. They will try to do anything to keep their addiction and until that starts to clear a little...there is very little you can do without draining the love bank. I'm sorry.

Thanks again. I will wait to see what tomorrow brings. I'm still very hopeful and willing. We will talk to a counselor next week. Hopefully that will get us moving in the right direction. Thanks for the initial guidance!!! I'll keep you posted.

stumpedsoul - I am sorry that you are going through this. I have been living what you are going through for the best part of 5 months, althogh my WS was not in a same sex A.

Exposure and PLAN B did the trick and ended the A for my WS. If the OP has a significant other then that person needs to know. Once this happened it stopped WW's A it in it's tracks.

While the A is ongoing I found that WS would lie, deny, be extra nice at times to make me think it was over and I was imagining things. As in your case I kept getting proof to the contrary.

Be alert for sudden need for privacy, gaurding cell and normal phone calls, new clothes, underwear, going out on her own with friends, stay overs at friends houses, going out of town alone, etc. All tell tale signs.

Don't fell guilty for snooping, you wouldn't be doing it if you weren't placed in this situation. As others have said, going to locations where OW is without you is a telltale sign that things are still hot. Don't let that emotional bond between them develope by pretending nothing is going on.

It's tough but using the techneques outlined on MB you stand a good chance of ending it.