My WH ended his affair three times-the last time 6 weeks ago. He had a long term affair for more than a year. After ending it he six weeks ago he did talk to the OW a week after he met her to finally end it-since that call I believe there was NC. He called her after we had a very emotional talk and shared many details of childhood experiences. I believe he was abused as a child. I told her when he ended it the last time if they ever contact each other I will call her husband .I only found out about the last call two weeks ago- He never told me- When I confronted him he said he only talked about daily things-nothing serious. He claims that he can’t remember what they talked about for half an hour-it happened more than 5 weeks ago!

I really believe they don't have contact at the moment. However, I am consumed with the thought of letting her husband know-I do not want to help them keep this secret- The only reason I never told him is because he is in a position to hurt my husband's career. I know he will! However, I wanted to send him a hint. If he questions her about this call so called affair it maybe enough to get her to realize I mean it and I will tell him. She is well aware that I don't want to expose them for what it can do to my husband's career and his ability to pay child support if we divorce. Knowing this, she has told me-go ahead-call him!

However, if I am honest, I think part of me wants to do this as revenge-to mess up her life as she did mine. She is not sorry about what she did-only that the affair ended. She though my WH was going to divorce me and marry her. She is feeling very secure knowing that I may never reveal her secret. I her husband confronts her about a call about her having an affair she will deny it-I do not think she will tell him who the OM is.

This exposure is going to help you how?? Exposures should be done to end the A. If otherwise make sure to question your motives. They should not be done for malicious purposes or revenge. Be objective here. Besides OW is enough of a sad person already don't you think? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Make rational decisions here especially when you are confronted with irrationality. It is to your advantage and the best method of attack.

If your H continues to go on with the A that is another story. Maybe it is already to that point here. I don't know your whole story. Have you read all the basic concepts on this website? Do you have SAA, HNHN. Are you in any marriage counseling or individual counseling?

IMO If your H refuses to stop seeing OW then I would go ahead with the exposure. However, it sounds like this is exactly what the OW wants. She probably wants her H to D her so that she take half his stuff and still persue your H. Thus, this is why you don't want to be seen as being malicious in your exposure. It will make you look like the bad guy and give them something to talk about. You need to start Plan A.

If you do choose to expose then make sure you know why you are doing it and what you will say when your H confronts you with extreme anger. I am not telling you what to do here only how to handle the situation based on your decision.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I her husband confronts her about a call about her having an affair she will deny it-I do not think she will tell him who the OM is. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don't count on this. Count on the worst. Consider the worst possible result and expect it. It can quite possibly happen. You are not dealing with rational human beings here.

Hopefully an expert will come by and dig a little deeper here. I am pretty new to this stuff so stick around for an expert, ok?

Keep reading and posting to let us know how you are doing. Take care.

C.

<small>[ October 05, 2004, 03:54 PM: Message edited by: shmaley ]</small>

Ideally, this is the way this should end:

Your H writes a no contact letter to OW that you approve and send. A copy gets sent separately to OW's husband.

I say "ideally" because you husband will likely not agree to this - at least not right now. Even IF he intends to end the affair for good, he may not yet be at the point in his recovery to take this significant, symbolic step. This is why you need to get hot in Plan A and tend to the poor marital environment that created the fertile ground for the affair to take place.

But back to your question, OW's H deserves to know. Of course this will cause her hardship - and him pain. But this is one of the consequences of the decision to have an affair and it wasn't your decision. Their marriage is in serious trouble and her keeping this secret will not help it. For the good of all, her H needs to know. He needs a chance to make decisions for himself.

I suggest you implement your Plan A immediately and see what your H's reaction is - and it may take some time. Assess his willingness to REALLY work on the marriage. If he embraces a recovery, in time he will have no trouble writing a NC letter and that gets you back to the "ideal."

If, in the meantime, you discover further contact, plan to expose the affair immediately to her husband. We'll help you do that in the most effective way. But do not make any further threats to your H that you will do this if he has further contact. And if the time comes for exposure, you MUST NOT tell him what you're going to do. Understand?

<small>[ October 05, 2004, 04:19 PM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>