OK - after 3 long months of relapse of A, H and OW rented a house this weekend, she is moved in already and he plans to move in as soon as he returns from Europe. We had discussion about how to tell the kids about our split a hundred times, figured out the best timing etc. One week after his 3 weeks travel we would tell them, take another week of H at home before he moved out.But OW forced the issue with her own H a little prematurely, and H and she took about 24 hours to find a place and sign a lease. Now she is insisting that my H never sleeps at home again.
Very quickly I realize our marriage and family are over as we have known it for 14 years. Seems a little impulsive to me, after all, she could have stayed with a friend for a couple of weeks to give us time to tell the kids the best way we knew how.

But H has been steadfast in his position that this is the way its going to be, zero waffling.
Since they were planning on moving in together eventually, what difference does it make.

Well guess what - to the kids it makes all the difference in the world. In light of this new development, we decided I would tell them this week, a few days before H returns. And then H would come over on Sunday, talk to them himself and we would have all day to trouble shoot, but he would still go "home" to OW each night. And move his things out the following weekend. Making the best of a messed up situation that got even more messed up with this sudden move.

H called me from Europe tonite, he was jet lagged and tired. We talked about the town he is in, some normal chit chat, then I went to the subject of telling the kids. "please tell them that I wish I could be there to talk to them myself, that this has nothing to do with them, that I love them and that I will still see them all the time" Then he said "this sucks for me". I said something about doing what we have to do, and that he will get to talk to him when he gets home. All of a sudden H breaks down and cries. I have known this man for 16 years and never heard him cry like this. Of course my first reaction is my automatic reaction that I wanted to comfort and reassure him. About what? This truly does suck for all of us, and all due to my H's actions. I did say I wish I was there to hold him, and he said he wished I was there too, that I really am a "good wife". Then he said he was going to bed.

I think the reality of this situation, especially the kid part, is finally hitting him. Being out of OW's clutches for a few days he is like a different person. But in OW's clutches is where he has decided he wants to be, regardless of how it will affect the children. Of course I am trying to see if there is a little crack in his plan, a little bit of doubt he is allowing to feel, a little bit of guilt and regret, but I have to keep telling myself this means nothing in terms of his wanting to stay, its only the guilt finally emerging, and guilt about the kids only. He has been removed and hardened in the face of all my tears, but finally something has got to him. Is he changing his mind? I would be crazy to think so. But I do think the way this went down with OW, he may have had a flicker of doubt about her, between her forcing the issue, insisting they get a place right away (since she was homeless, you know) and especially about her insisting that H not spend any more nights at home, dispite that it might be in the best interest of the children.

In a few days he will be coming home to her, instead of us, and I am sure he will fall under her spell again, and be hardened once more. But by that time, the kids will know that daddy is leaving, and he is going to have to tell him he is already living with another woman, dispite the fact he hasn't even moved out yet. I think he may find himself in a bit of a bind, dispite the fact that he and OW are each other's destiny. Finally a little reality of the severity of their actions on others, finally a little sadness thinking about how this will affect the kids.

<small>[ October 05, 2004, 04:40 PM: Message edited by: Everhopeful ]</small>

I feel your pain. My H didn't move in with OW but he is still with her and it hurts very deeply.
I don't know how anymone can do this to their children. My H doesn't see the pain in my sons eyes at night when he's wondering where his dad is. It's all so unfair.
I'm really sorry for your situation and hope that you can get past all of this and be happy one day.
I'm really having a hard day today and just can't seem to get out of this mood.
Hang in there....there are other people out there in your shoes. I'll say a prayer for you.

Everhopeful,

On your last thread, Ark had asked a couple of questions regarding your current sitch. And star*fish recommended Plan B as did others.

Are you planning on following a plan? There is hope you know, but I think the MB plan's would make it alot more possible.


Weaver

EH, he really knows how to work you. Put a stop to it. He's not coming home, but he still has you meeting his emotional needs. YOU comforted HIM! He's still wanting to keep you on the string as he has the OW.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"please tell them that I wish I could be there to talk to them myself, that this has nothing to do with them, that I love them and that I will still see them all the time" Then he said "this sucks for me". I said something about doing what we have to do, and that he will get to talk to him when he gets home. All of a sudden H breaks down and cries. I have known this man for 16 years and never heard him cry like this. Of course my first reaction is my automatic reaction that I wanted to comfort and reassure him. About what? This truly does suck for all of us, and all due to my H's actions. I did say I wish I was there to hold him, and he said he wished I was there too, that I really am a "good wife". </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I bet he had an upbeat conversation with the OW, rounding out his emotional evening.

If you keep meeting his needs, it will hurt you and drain your lovebank.

Ripe for Plan B...

impliment this ASAP...

Pep

Thanks for these replies. Funny thing, I wrote this post looking for hope that H's emotional outburst was an inkling of some weakening of his position on leaving to be with OW. His statement "This sucks" seemed to me to mean that his getting himself into this final predicament with OW, was starting to sink in, regarding his reality of her, leaving the kids and me, and moving out, not neccessarily in that order. I do believe he is an emotionally imature and needy man, deep inside. Guess I was catering to his needs, but believe me, I know this man and he was in real pain. I don't think he would ever show this side to OW, as he couldn't reveal that after all they have been through to get here, he is feeling some pain about what he is about to sacrifice.

Guess its the plan A in me that won't quit.
Under the circumstances it is a bit odd, but I honestly do feel sorry for him, as I think this situation is finally passing from romantic fantasy to reality, and perhaps its not so pretty after all.

I have told my family and his about his move. I also told several people at work - good friends, my boss, HR director etc, all people that I trust and know will support me. Most of these people are friends that will help me get through this. I have been holding back telling very many people because I was hoping things might turn around, but now, that H has signed a lease and has OW moved in, this looks like a done deal.

Poor H. He won't be around to tell the kids like he had planned, because OW forced the issue. He has to come home after 3 weeks on the road, face his kids that have just been told he is moving out, and then go through the pain of packing up all his stuff after 14 years of marriage. Then he is moving in with his new love, his destiny, someone he has never lived with before. I do know that H loves his family, and loves his family life. I may be premature with this premonition that the bubble may have burst a little already, but maybe not.

I don't think it will change anything in the immediate future as they have gone too far to not at least give it a good try. And the funny thing is, the thing that may spur them to try harder is the most likely thing that will cause their demise - the trail of hurt and pain they have created to finally be together.

I am torn between continuing plan A, as I present myself to be a safe haven, should he change his mind, with a side motive of just being an irritation to OW. The other option is plan b, or going dark, and really removing myself from H's life. As the mother of his very active children, and going into this mediation that we are planning on, this could be a challenge. The mediation will probably end all this amicability anyway, as I know that he will disagree about the exposure to OW and the finances. So be it. At least I feel like I played the benevolent and sensitive wife to the bitter end. Poor H.

<small>[ October 05, 2004, 11:11 PM: Message edited by: Everhopeful ]</small>