Well she came to me and said after i get my mother's stuff together, I will just go back to my friend's house. I said great. So no big confrontation. I think she got the message that she can't live here anymore. I won't be disrespected anymore.

HINC,

Your taker is is full rage now. It's like having a little devil on your shoulder saying "nail her to the wall!" and I mean that sexually as well as emotionally. If you do....I can promise you that it will be the most hollow and short lived victory you ever make. Take the highroad. Respectfully request she leave. Tell her it is your intention to seek legal recourse if she refuses to leave. Do it calmly, and in control....and if I were you...do it IN FRONT OF a witness!!! And for petes sake man...do NOT try and get sex in the process. Don't become what you hate.

Star*fish- I am not going to impose my self on her. She has indicated that she is leaving again tonight voluntarily and that is good no big fight.
She said to me-you ought to get an extra $10k and put new carpets and windows in the house. I indicated to her that I can take care of my own business. She then said very sacastically-Well I know how you take care of business". I said to her don't worry about my business. So she is still being very ugly to me. I am ready for her to leave permanently. Let Om meets all her needs and they are many. I am being calm and cool to her but she needs to go.

Never in a million years did I assume you "impose" yourself...LOL...nah! She DOES need to go. As far as "nastiness" sounds like it's mutual....why not refuse to play that game? Rise above.

HINC,

Apparently what you need to be playing is Wagner, Ride of the Valkurie (sp). I read today this is considered the most dangereous music to play while driving according to a study done somewhere. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

When she tries to offer advice, quietly look at her and simply say "I am no longer your problem, you have left me. So don't worry about me I'll figure out how to manage, I have no other choice." And then kindly ask her to do what ever it is you need her to do.

Since you have the house, go ahead and change the looks. I am not sure it will win you any points, but it does protect you.

Hang in there HINC, this will get better.

God Bless,

JL

OK JL-when does it get better and how does it get better? You say I am winning it sure doesn't feel like winning. I am losing my partner of nearly 30 years. Sure doesn't feel like winning to me.

HINC:

Like you, I've been M'd for over 28 years. I've known about my W's A for 33 months now. It really only ended about 14 months ago, and we're really only just starting recovery since then, with very infrequent, eensy steps up along the way.

What are you winning? You're winning your self-respect back, and maybe with time some respect from your W will re2rn. What are you losing? The cheater. The daily reminders of her A. When will it get better? 13:10 Universal Time, November 9th, 2004. ...Well, plus or minus a few years. But it WILL get better, I promise you. Edited 2 add: It gets better because you will FEEL better, you'll be a better man, better person, happier person as you continue 2 work your way through this difficult time in your life.

-ol' 2long

<small>[ October 06, 2004, 05:11 PM: Message edited by: 2long ]</small>

Sorry for whinning. I just feel so disspirited right now. I am hurting and yes I am whinning. Your right-what am I losing a woman that decided to go outside of our marriage, a cheater, a lier and a sneak. Not much by my set of values. But I have protected her for 30 years, kept her, fed her, loved her been there when the babies were born, been there when the children screwed up. i support her. And I still love her.

Whining is permitted here! Just not to your WW!

You need some detachment from all this. You can't control WW, except indirectly, by YOUR actions. Don't sweat the little stuff and micromanage every emotion that crosses your mind right now.

Your best bet is to make yourself WHOLE right now. Work exclusively on YOU, and let the bottom fall out for her. The better you become for YOU, the better you will be for WW. She WILL notice.

Exercise, do a hobby you've always wanted to do, clean, paint, repair stuff around the house. Stay maniacally busy, and don't allow yourself to have "time to dwell on the muck and mire your WW has created."

Become creatively introspective, and decide what YOU want and what is important to YOU. Take advantage of the absense of CHAOS to regain your balance. Once you have had the luxury of dwelling on your own future, you will see how your WW actions and responses to this will impact her, and will be better able to take what she "throws" at you in the future.

Stay strong, keep your hopes up realistically, and give the weight of the moment to your God.

You won't be faced with a challenge you are not strong enough to overcome!

SD

And THAT is the woman you may "win" back, even2ally.

-ol' 2long

Sheesh Hopeful, I leave for a little while and your wife is back! And still talking to OM!

Now she has to get her mother's things. She sure has lots of excuses to stay around you (for someone who says she wants her freedom).

Stay calm, this will probably turn out just fine.

Believer-my wife who is a CPA, but doesn't work, takes care of her mother's finances. Her mother is in a nursing home. All the paper were here. But she says she is going to her gf's house tonight. I hope so. i need a another good night's sleep. When will this ever end. I heard on the phone today say she was moving to OM's state. So i guess she will. Why not now?

Heck, beats me. All I have seen from her is excuses about why she can't leave. First she was waiting for her pension check, then she needed money, now it is her mom's stuff.

I do give her credit for taking good care of her mom, but she has known she was going to leave for a while now.

I would love to hear her conversations with the OM. Things can't be going very well for him.

You need to take care of yourself. Hopefully she will leave soon, and stay gone for awhile.

I agree. She needs to go to OM's town away from her friends, her comfortable surrounding, her children and me. No support except OM. I bet he doesn't have the balls to leave his wife. OM's wife is a wondeful lady who loves her cheating husband and wants her marriage to work out. No to be ugly but she sounds wondeful to me. Doesn't cheat, has a full time job, christian, and a wondeful mother to her 2 kids. Why in the world would this man want my wife. He is not 17 and neither is she. this is not high school. I wish them happiness because that is what I am going to find.

HINC,

I have an idea <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> why don't you call OM and offer to swap him your W for his W? I would love to see the reaction on his face if you did that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

No, don't do it, I am just kidding, The devil made me say that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Still.....

HINC, stop worrying about this so. She is very likely going to leave to be with OM. Whether it works out or not, you cannot control nor should you worry about. Your clock is ticking toward a divorce. I realize you think it could NOT be worse, but actually the very hardest thing you would/will/may/ have to deal with is if she came back and wanted to remain married to you.

I know that sounds good right now, but when you stop and think about it, it will be a mixed thing that will cause you a lot of pain. So be careful what you wish for here. There seems to be no painfree way out, so you just have to go through it. Work on yourself, get your life in order, get right with God, your job, your children, and surely your golf swing. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

So grit your teeth, be full of grace and kindness, and deal with what you are presented with, there are no short cuts in life, you have to live each and every minute as they are handed to you.

God Bless,

JL

Listen to JL, Hopeful, he is exactly right, it will be painful no matter what happens. So come here and grieve and whine.

I promise you it will get better, and your life will be wonderful again. My days are all good again, even though WH continues to live with OW.

I look forward to an unknown future, and it doesn't bother me anymore. In fact it is rather exciting.

My neighbor came over and invtited me down to his boat for dinner tonight. Of course I couldn't go, as I am still married. But I'm working on that.

I'm sure your wife will be back, so start resting up, and being good to yourself. Like JL says, you'll need all of your strength for that.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Originally posted by believer:
My neighbor came over and invtited me down to his boat for dinner tonight. Of course I couldn't go, as I am still married. But I'm working on that.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Tell him, "Can I get a raincheck on that invitation?"

Pep

<small>[ October 06, 2004, 09:06 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Yep, Pep, and he was looking good too. He is OLD, but has definite possibilities. He is a retired homicide detective.

But I digress - Hopeful - there is a life without your wife, if she does not come back. You are young (compared to me) and very handsome. You will be just fine.

Maybe she got the message. She left without even a whimper. Staying at her g/f's house again-not here. Maybe she could call OM there-do you think? Probalby not since OM hasn't left his wife and is still living at home. No fight, I just drove her over there-she said thanks, I said no problem. No kiss no hug no nothing.

hopeful -

It is hard for her now that you have enforced your boundaries. So just hang in there. I know it is very hard, but you CAN do this.

She is getting a taste of the real world, without your protection. That will be very good for her. So buck up, and do what you need to do. It is unpleasant, but what you are doing now is for the good of your marriage.