Since my situation is kind of convoluted, I'm not sure if this is the start of a Plan A or what... But I think I just reversed some serious damage that I'd been causing from being in my BS fog.
I just got off the phone with H. The last time I'd talked to him was a big dramatic episode where I spent 2 1/2 hours on the phone crying and trying to deliever every low blow I could think of to make him hurt as badly as I did. Immature, yeah. LB, totally. Solve anything? Nope.
Anyhoo... I've been actually praying for guidance for a few weeks now (not a big religious type) and it took me a while to get an answer back from The Big Guy Upstairs... Or maybe I just was too foggy to hear it. Anyway, last night it all hit me at once. I don't want this divorce, so why am I getting it? Revenge, that's why. I wanted to call H's bluff, dump him before he dumped me and maybe even scare him a little. Didn't work, and I was miserable with the decision. My pride was doing most of the talking in the last few weeks and I wasn't getting anything constructive accomplished. After the big breakdown on Friday, though, I had finally managed to pull the cotton out of my ears and actually hear what God was saying...
"Pull out of the divorce. Stop acting so childishly. You know what has to be done."
Last night while I was sleeping I saw my plan of action unfold... I would call up H and tell him that after praying long and hard about it, I realized that I needed to stop seeking a divorce. Then I would ask if he'd be alright with scheduling a joint counseling session with our therapist. It all clicked!
So, I did just that. And you know what happened? It caught H off guard. He agreed to go to a joint counseling session but when I said I was going to stop seeking the D, he was stunned. I didn't tell him that he could still seek the divorce, which obviously he still can, but I don't think that option really occurred to him. He then said he was feeling mighty conflicted about everything, but that on the one hand, he feels good about the path he's taking (didn't go into specifics, but I took it for what it was: FOG TALK). He says he feels terrible he's hurting me and applogized. I said "I'm sorry you're hurting me, too." Didn't say it meanly or anything, just neutrally told him that. Kind of got him stuck for something to say at that point, so there was a lot of silence. Finally I told him that I needed to get off the phone to get something to eat and we tied up the conversation and that was that!
I feel good! I feel like I'm now in a better position to make this work, even if we're still separated. Oh, and he says he's planning on moving back in with his parents around Christmas. They live 200 miles away. More separation isn't what I want, but I'm giving it time anyway. The one potentially good thing about him moving back home is that his parents are on my side (had a great conversation with MIL last night) and his mom will be able to work on getting him to go on medication. At any rate, I'm not going anywhere, nor do I plan to, so it's not like anything is going to change radically on my end. Not looking for a replacement love interest, or anything. I'm just going to focus on me and do my thing.
Make myself interesting, as my mom puts it.
So, any suggestions on what to do at this point? Oh, and I'm finalizing a session with the Harleys, too, probably Friday morning. Things are starting to look up!
<small>[ October 06, 2004, 12:05 AM: Message edited by: Sarahbellem ]</small>
