I have not written on here for a while b/c I was not following any advice I got. I am now ready to follow advice. I have said a lot of stupid things on here in the past b/c of my fog. I kept claiming that I was victimized by OM, b/c I thought I was, but now I am willing to face up to what I've done. I am the one that gave my heart to OM. It wasn't anyone's fault but mine.

OM went back to BS & I moved back to my parents' house last night. My H is out of the country for a little while. He wants me back & tells me that if I can say I don't love OM anymore, he's willing to take me back immediately. The problem is this: Inspite of all the problems our relationship had/caused, in the last month that I was w/ him, I became more attached to him than I was before. We left eachother for very practical reasons - it just wasn't going to work out. Now that we're away from eachother, we're starting N/C. I want my M to work out simply to save a M, not b/c I desire him.

How do I get my desire for my H back? I talked to him 3 times today & each time, I got sick of talking to him. He is a good man & deserves for me to worship him. I can't talk to him w/o getting frustrated w/ him.

He asked me what my plans were & I told him I'd like to stay w/ my parents & grow close to God & work on building our relationship very slowly. He agreed. So, is this the best way for us to get back together? It seems like the easiest way to control my discontent w/ him is to not have any relationship w/ him 'til I love him again. But, will love grow w/o companionship? Do I work on my M b/f I love him again or do I work to love him again, then work on the M?

I have many other questions re: my situation, but I am really tired & would be able to ask them better in the morning...Thanks.

Ok, I figure I better say it b/f you do, "I said a lot of stupid things on this post, also." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
Only helpful replies, please.

TUS...

I was just thinking about you the other night..wondering how things were going and if you still lurked.

So how are things going?

Noodle

Noodle,

Well, I guess things are going really well, it just doesn't feel like it. But, I'm safe, I'm not committing adultery anymore, my H still wants me...the only important things I lack are my desire for my H & a close relationship w/ God. I guess I'm beginning withdrawals & I'd really rather skip them. I could try to complain about my situation, but I placed myself in it. Everyone has told us that if we really loved eachother, we'd let eachother go back to our spouses...That's what we're doin, but it doesn't make me feel loved...Thanks for thinking about me.

"I guess things are going really well, it just doesn't feel like it"

I hear that. I didn't have any love or lovey feelings for my H when we began to reconcile either. He annoyed me. I was disgusted by him. I had literal daydreams of a life without him.

You're right though...feelings aside things seem to be going pretty well. I'm glad to hear that you and H are taking plenty of time approaching recovery. No rush, after all.

It was helpfull for me to sort of detach my decisions from my feelings. I'm not sorry that I felt the way I did..but I sure would be missing out if I had acted on them. I might avoid overdoing the R talk for now though if I were you. Is your H interested in posting here?

Bleah..well, it's late and I'm tired..I'll check in with you later.

--Noodle

I'm not familiar with your story, but I had a few comments:

1) You loved your husband when you married him.

2) You remember those feelings? The wanting to be with him, talk to him and share your life with him? You can have them again.

3) You have diverted your energy and love AWAY from your husband during your affair- of course there is little of that *love* feeling inside you right now.

4) You probably have been telling yourself over and over how little you love your husband to justify your A to yourself.

5) It's now time to recommit. Commit yourself to putting all of your energy into rejuvinating your marriage. You CAN do this- and it sounds like your H is willing to work through things and build a better marriage despite your A.

6) Have you read Dr. Harley's basic concepts? Done the LB/EN quizzes? If not- do them. Today. And then read everything again. Ask your H to do them as well. If you work together on fulfilling each other's most important needs, that love feeling WILL return.

Withdrawal is hard. Give yourself a plan of action. By focusing your energy on your M you will at least use up most of the time you would have otherwise sat around thinking about OM. A busy mind is your friend right now- and by working on your M you will be doing something that will end up giving you a wonderful reward- a loving H and a great marriage.

Good luck! We're here to help. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Noodle,
What is R talk?
I have talked to my H about coming in here, but he won't. I don't know why. I'm kind of glad, though, b/c I know I wouldn't feel as comfortable writing in here myself & it really helps to write in here sometimes...I'm pretty sure it'll help more since I'm determined to go through w/ N/C.

I've been keeping really busy w/ my parents. I feel like I'm in high school again - it's fun. My parents are always busy w/ things & I'm trying to help them amap. I'm thinking about getting a job soon, but if everything goes as planned, I'll be here for about 3-6 months. I think I might try to et a seasonal job at some dept. store, but my H wonders if that'll help. Reasoning: I'd be working w/ people that are living w/ someone they're not married to, etc., & it'd give me more freedom to contact him if I want to. Anyway, I'm thinking about waiting for that until I make it through a 3 wk N/C period. Any suggestions?

Sadfww,

The awful thing is, I don't remember the love I had for him. I remember things we did together, I remember being physically attracted to him, & I remember being kind to him. I'm embarrassed to say this, but w/ reading what others wrote, I feel a little more comfortable: I never enjoyed our sexual relationship together. (The advice I've gotten on this aspect of our relationship is that we were both virgins when we got married & didn't know anything. OM is a lot older & gained experience through research & M. H is going to work on that.)

Anyway, I married my H for more practical reasons than love (the feeling). He was "a good man" & I knew he'd take care of me & that he loved me. My mom knew this & cautioned me, but also told me that 2 people that love God will make a marriage work, no matter what other obstacles there are. At that time, I was a good girl & wanted a man that was godly b/f anything else. So, since I came home this time, my mom has said that if I can focus on my love for God, my love for my H will follow. I know this is true, but it's going to take work, too. I have been doing devotions & I'm going to church tonight. Thanks.

Sorry. I just read what Sadfww wrote again & I didn't answer something. When I'd gone back to my H a few months ago, I started reading the book about an affair proof marriage. My H didn't like either of us reading it b/c he didn't like hearing the thoughts that go through a WS's mind & it brought back painful memories to him. I haven't taken the tests & will work on that next time I'm on the computer. From what I have read, I don't feel like there's any deficiency on my H's part in our M. Would me improving myself in our relationship help my love toward him?

Noodle - So, did those feelings just go away gradually or how did things change for the better?

Told,

One of the oddest things about love is that people get so confused about it. When you married your H both of you took vows right? In those vows you very likely promised to "love" your through thick and thin, sickness and health, for better or worse. Does this sound familiar? I hope so.

So how is it that you seem to have voided your promise to "love" him? I think the answer has two parts. One you did NOt protect your marriage, yourself, and by definition your H. The other reason is that you did NOT understand what the "love" was in your vows.

It was NOT a "feeling of love" or "feeling in love". No, you promised to ACT loving toward your H. You promised to love as in the VERB love. It is an action. The reason you took those vows was that from beginning of time EVERYONE knows the "feelings" of love come and go. But the ACT of loving is something you can control and therefore it is something you can PROMISE to do "for better or worse".

You have violated a few vows, including fidelity, but the biggest one is you failed to "love" your H. The Harley's recommend "fake it until it is true". In essence they are saying do what you vowed to do, even if you don't "feel" it.

But, Told if you do this, there is something else the creaters of those vows knew, and is in fact proved everyday on this board by people in affairs and those recovering from affairs. If you will love your H as you promised, you will find that the "feelings of love" will return.

It happened in your affair, it can happen in your marriage. What it takes is ACTION on your part. Start to act in a loving and caring manner toward your H, and YOUR feelings will change. Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

Tolduso, I'm too new to give you adice on your situation but I would like to give you a high five for your decision! Best of luck!

Told U so,

Hi there! The one thing in your post that caught my eye immediately was your saying about your H:

He deserves for me to worship him!????

Love is not worshipping someone. The only worshipping you should do is with your God.

Man should be treated with respect! Actions you take towards your H are what "love" is. Love is a choice..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I believe it!!!

You either choose to Love or you don't. Really it's the "balls in your court, TUS!!!"

From someone who has been m going on 25 yrs. and who has been with their H since 15 yrs. old let me give you just a little advice.....M is not easy! it is not always passionate, it is not always fun!!It's not always l-o-v-e!! it's WORK!

I myself have gone in and out of love stages over the years. My H has been like a friend some times, a lover others, and a wonderful H still others!!

The key is "commitment".....are you willing to commit back to the man you took vows to love, honor and charish????

Those are ACTION words!!! someone very smart here at MB finally pounded into my head that LOVE is a verb! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

If you feel it's too much work for you....it will be. It will then not be fair to this man who you call "a good man" to be put thru all the emotional stuff you need to figure out.

I suggest IC for yourself if your not yet going to a C.

Blessings,
ATruheart

Read replies & thankful. I am going to "fake it" til it comes. I am going to commit to him.

Read replies & thankful. I am going to "fake it" til it comes. I am going to commit to him.

Read replies & thankful. I am going to "fake it" til it comes. I am going to commit to him.

Read replies & thankful. I am going to "fake it" til it comes. I am going to commit to him.

Read replies & thankful. I am going to "fake it" til it comes. I am going to commit to him.

Read replies & thankful. I am going to "fake it" til it comes. I am going to commit to him.

Read replies & thankful. I am going to "fake it" til it comes. I am going to commit to him.

Read replies & thankful. I am going to "fake it" til it comes. I am going to commit to him.

Read replies & thankful. I am going to "fake it" til it comes. I am going to commit to him.