WW (lives at home with D5 and me) told me yesterday that she had to change her schedule at work. Won't go into details(too much), but I had to leave at 6:30 p.m. to go play with my band (something I took up again to have a positive in my life). Anyways, WW asked neighbor if he could watch D for an hour or so. He did. WW told me yesterday A.m. that she was actually late for work, so would have to stay longer. Well, I called her at 4:30 yesterday at her work. I usually don't (really) call her at work, but had to tell her something for the benefit of a co-worker of hers. Well, she never called back. WW will probably figure it out this a.m. that I called, and that I know she's out with the OM. We are now completely broke now because of WW's actions with $. I know she has none. Thought that might slow her down. Only took one day for her to stray again. Why even try anymore. WW chose OM over D once again. I feel like a doormat. I want to call her out on this sooooo bad. I have stayed strong , for the most part. Then something happens that puts me into a bad mood. I am going to get ahold of someone who can help me track down OM's W. I think it's too late, anyways <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Well, WW called me at work, so I could say "have a nice day" to our D5. I calmly confronted WW about not calling me back. I said "what's going on?" WW says "we both know whats going on". Told her she hurts me when she sees OM, she needs to have NC for our M to have a chance. WW started to say "I think......" then nothing. Then she said we have to get to the bus stop. Lots of silence. I try, but WW is going away from me. Friend suggested last night (W) that I should let her go for a week. Let her sort it out. What do you think? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Possibly, my post is a little too sophmoric. Just very tired this a.m. I suppose I shouldn't sweat this small stuff. Anybody out there? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

While the point of Plan A is the ending of the WS affair, it is also a time where the BS learns to avoid LB which in the long run will benefit him/her whether or not the marriage survives. You are learning NOT to act on your emotions which will almost always sabotage your efforts. The best way for you to survive Plan A is to emotionally detach by considering that the woman inhabiting your W's body is NOT the woman you married and that by LB you are making this woman the permanent resident of your W's body. Try to avoid as much as possible snooping for it will only weaken your resolve.

Do you think what I did was LB'ing? I am getting sort-of "mixed messages". People on here say not to let WW just get away with everything, making me a doormat. Then I see in Plan A'ing, not to invade too much into the affair. I am really confused on this. By me not having any say, WW has spent all of our $. I realize this may be a seperate issue. Please respond, and help my confused self. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

The money issue is something apart from the affair but even there you should avoid LB. Calmly, respectfully and quietly approach your WW with your concern about the money issue. Express to her that unless the two of you can agree on how to handle it that it can destroy you BOTH financially. If she raises her voice, tries to blame you for it, and/or says that it is your problem, then simply remain silent, leave her alone. In the meantime and seek legal counseling to see if you can protect yourself from her financial suicide.

Do you think I LB'ed this a.m. with WW? I really could use a few opinions on this. I'm starting to feel numb inside and outside on how to cope with WW going on and on with OM. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by whatsgoinon:
Do you think I LB'ed this a.m. with WW? I really could use a few opinions on this. I'm starting to feel numb inside and outside on how to cope with WW going on and on with OM. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Answer: I don't know because I wasn't a witness as to how you delivered your knowledge that she lied to go see the OM. Delivery of the truth is everything when it comes to LB.

You've probably done this already but if you haven't then I'd suggest that you simply and respectfully tell her that there is no way that the marital recovery is possible while she maintains any sort of contact with the OM.

Hi what (similar name, huh?)

She is definitely foggified, and anything you say right now will be considered an LB, or at least she will try to twist it into one. You have to learn to NOT take this too personally right now. Plan A is NOT being a doormat, it is showing the WS that you still respect them and treasure them (despite what they are doing) by NOT HURTING THEM in any way. Even if you WANT to smack her upside the head!!

I would lay off right now and get going on exposing this to OM's wife. Put all of your energy into this right now, it will give you something good to do so that you don't concentrate all the time on what she and OM are doing. Exposure is so critical to ending this so that OM's W can help stop the A on her end too.

Get ready for one helluva ride, this is really hard work. Have you read SAA?

Yes, I have read SAA. I am having a hard time controlling my emotions. I did confront WW about lying in a direct way. No yelling or negative statements, I believe. WW is a master at getting me to think "let it go. You need to let go", etc. WW told me the other day, lets just be friends. I said, ok. Telling WW about things is so tricky right now. Feeling like letting WW go. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Well, I finally did it. I contacted OM's W. Guess I was hoping she didn't know, and everything would blow up. But she did know. It was nice talking to her , but now what? My WW is so far gone from me now. Been not-so-secretly seeing him the last two days. Don't think WW cares anymore who knows. What do I do? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Hello. Anybody out there? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Well, a lot has happened to WW and I this last week. After contacting OM's W, she decided to call our house late one night. Wanted to have a 4-way conference call w/ all of us!. OM's W is the opposite of me. She is badgering him and letting everything out. Kind of liked it.... OM didn't say more than two words. WW tried to explain her feelings, and OM's W let them both have it. After the phone call abruptly ended, WW and I had a 5 hour talk about everything. It's really easy to demonize WW, but when she talks, and I talk, we came to some understandings. WW is moving out soon(2 weeks maybe). I told her how much she has hurt our family these last two months, and she knew it. Lying, cheating, spending ALL of our $. I layed it out. Not a good plan A, I know, but I broke down. The final straw for me was WW not coming home, when I had to be gone, until 9:30 p.m. WW made a deal with my neighbor, to watch D, because she had to "work late". I found out, and told WW this was totally a betrayal to our D.
Well, I decided to tell WW's sister (4 hrs away) about everything. She got in her car with WW's Mom the next day, and came down here! WW was meeting her best friend at a restaurant. They showed up too. I guess you could say it was an intervention of sorts. They all came home. Thought WW was going to yell, but she did the opposite. She knew why I did it- WW needs help! She agreed. It was the best I felt in 2 months. I think WW thought she was going to move in with OM, now she says she's not choosing either of us now. Wants to get her own place, and work on herself. Now I know she will just turn her place into a refuge for them both. That sucks... I told WW that if she would go to him, she wouldn't see her D. WW is coming out of the D fog. She realizes what a screw-up she has been, and needs to show D a happy person. WW's got it all figured out now. I told her I don't trust her much, and she knows it. I have been nothing short of strong with her. Probably a little to late, eh? Told her when she moves, I can't stop contact with OM, but if my D is included w/ OM right now, D is gone from her life. WW will come over each morning(until my job ends 12/31/04) and get D off for school. I have been questioning what to do now? Plan B? Seems to be a possibility, but everything is so nice with her now, besides her crying a ton. Ugh!

Here are a few of WW's ideas:
1) Have D5 and I help her move into her new apt.
2) Have me help her find an apt.
3) Have my head examined.......

I'm guessing this may be F talk? eh? After I picked my jaw off the floor, I told WW I don't think so. WW still thinks this is going to make everything soooooo much better. She has her dreams all planned out, and even has someone I know all picked out for me to date. After I puked, I said "I don't know about that." WW is being soooo sweet to me right now, like a huge weight has been lifted off her shoulders. Ugh... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

What

Slow down there pardner!

How long have you been in Plan A? Way too soon for Plan B yet. MAYBE if she moves out, but I'll betcha that doesn't happen that soon.

You should read up again on Plan A and make yourself into the pleasant caring hubby right now. In counselling with SH, I learned quickly that yelling and threatening things (like not seeing her D) are to be avoided totally. These things will just piss her off and make her run, it will help the OM, remember, he has no baggage in her eyes!

Good job on exposure, too! Your WW sounds pretty fogged up, so her family coming may or may not do anything to turn her around.

I didn't hear anything about her breaking up with OM. What a conference call, huh? Did this break them up???

Don't believe her for a second when she says she wants to move out to think about things. This is a thinly veiled attempt to continue the A without you bugging her about it. I would do everything in your power to prevent her moving out.

Let me clarify a little.... OM's W was the one on the conference call who threatened to keep their kid away. I told WW that night during our big talk, that although Om's W was obviously yelling and screaming about this, the way WW was treating out D, that I could understand her feelings. I did this in a calm tone, and WW was totally receptivee to my pain. Like I said, it's really easy to demonize her, but when we talked, I did set up this as a boundery. I don't think this was an LB at all. WW has vowed to be there for D now, and get her life together. The purpose of her family intervention was to deal with WW's issue's with overspending, use of drugs. The A wasn't really their focus. Sure, they're mad about it, so I think I know they won't try to de-program her to stay. I don't think I can do much to change her mind right now about moving. I definately don't think I want to help her, though. WW still melts my heart, you must understand. Help? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I am not sure what to say that may be of help.
I have a FWH so there may be some differences in how things pan out.

In my H's most serious A it took him to move in with the OW to finally let reality set in after having gone through a couple of separations and false recoveries. That A ended after just over a month of living together in the OW's home with her kids.

The last 8 month EA/PA ended rather quickly with hardly any withdrawal not too long after D-Day and some counselling. That OW had started to LB and make demands. He originally thought he could have a friendship with her and it got out of hand. He now knows how important bounderies are.

Is the OM's wife trying to save her marriage? You may want to introduce her to the MB concepts. If the OM ends it with your WW you may have more of a chance sooner as in Bob Pure's case. If the A was only a couple of months long then that also may be in your favor.

Since you have SAA you may want her to read the first few chapters if she will. It doesn't sound like you have the funds for counselling with the Steve Harley right now.

You may not have done a good enough or long enough plan A for you to be ready for plan B. You know whether you have or not. Have you read the plan A and B as Dr. Willard Harley explains them on this site? You may want to reread them if you did, to get a clearer idea of the purpose and plan. I know I have to read it a few times for it to sink in.

Also, I think your stance of being strong, firm but loving, speaking in a calm, quiet tone with sincerity and honesty sounds very good.

I believe I have done a good Plan A, so far. Om's W wants to save the marriage, but I think after the conference call, she kicked him out, or he's going to leave. I did mention for O M's W to get on MB'ers web site. She is so mad right now. We both shared (OM's W and I) our frustrations and anger at the both of them. Well... she turned aroundandl at Her husband (OM). Well, this got back to My WW. She didn't blow up at me, just dissapointed that I shared this info with OM's W. I told her I had no idea she would do this, but that I wouldn't apoligize , either. I calmly explained that putting the two of us together, the ground was fertile for us to talk this way. I think I expained myself, and both of our feelings pretty well. WW thinks I should go talk to her, to try and expain to her about her not putting their kid in the middle. Although her approach is a signal that they may not work out their marriage, I understand her frustration. These two people have treated us like garbage these last 2 months. I don't condone her behavior, but I understand it..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

bump