Hi. I haven't posted here in a really long time, but I've been back to lurk often. I think I've come to the end of things though, and have come here to see if it's time for the 2x4.

The basics are in my signature, so I'll try to be brief. I discovered that my WH is still communicating (emails, IM, calls) w/OW (she lives in another state). He has tried to go NC and it's never worked. He had told me and our C that the communication's not the same as during the height of the affair. That he knows there's no future w/OW and how it's very infrequent, etc. I expressed again and again to WH and C that I felt NC was a must. Basically, the C told me that WH is still ambivalent about the M and if I tried to force him into NC he would just ask for a D (C did tell WH that there should be NC). C said to focus on the other areas of our M that we needed to work on.

Well, to make a long story short, I read some of the emails that have been going back and forth between WH and OW (WH doesn't know I "found" the email account). The emails are every bit as intense as they were last summer/fall. There are over 300 in his inbox from her dating back to July (this email address is only for her apparently). They go back and forth all day long (except evenings and weekends).

When we started working on things, we had set the beginning of Oct as a date when we would assess how recovery was going and if we would continue. In these emails, OW is asking him if he's had the talk with me yet and how she knows it's going to be difficult and all this other BS. Apparently, he's going to ask me for a D.

At this point, I am barely holding it together. I feel like I did on DDay - I can't eat, can't sleep, etc. I'm in the same exact situation I was in a year ago before we separated - he's all wrapped up in her. I'm beginning to think at this point that this M can't be saved. I just feel sick to my stomach.

Anyway, I'm not sure what I'm asking. I've seen so much great advice given to people on this board, I guess I'm trying to get an objective opinion on whether or not this is hopeless. I can't get in to see my C until next week and I'm going nuts.

Thank you in advance for any comments, suggestions, etc.

Trying

Hi,

Sorry this sick mess is still taking up residence in your home. IMHO you s/b thinking about plan B. The OW wants him and feels she has the upper hand and hooks into his soul.

This is where a man is definitely the weak gender on these manners and you can use this to your advantage.

Now the risk is that plan B will end in D but it also has an equal chance of being in recovery. So are you willing to take that chance or stay in plan A limbo land (aka: doormat)?

I set the requirements for the WS to return, when he asked to come home. When he blew it, he was sent packing. When he returned the stakes went up each time. Not less, more.

The OW can't up her stakes..... she stinks and is already in the mud.

Check out plan B and see if you can setup a phone counseling session with Steve H @ MB.

hugz,
L.

Thank you for your response Orchid. I know you give very sound advice and appreciate your writing. Sorry for the delay in my response, I don't really want to post from home, have to do it from work.

I was in Plan B when we were separated last year (Oct-Dec). Obviously he didn't hold to his NC and here we are 10 months later. Does a Plan B Part II work? He knows that if we divorce I want nothing to do with him (no contact of any kind), and he knows I will stick to it. This at times seems to be his only deterrent to a D.

But from the emails I read, he's apparently working himself up to ask for one in the next few days. Also, he tells OW how he's not attracted to me in the least anymore and SF with me is difficult for him to carry out. Not to mention they profess their love for each other all day long in practically every email.

I guess I'm just discouraged and doubting whether this A can even be stopped. OW lives in another state, so they're not going to be spending any large amounts of time together, which would force some reality into the situation. And after reading a bunch of those emails (actually had to stop because they were making me sick), I'm beginning to believe his feelings for me as his wife really are gone (he's told me several times his ideal is for us to get divorced and remain friends).

I feel like I should just take the hint and move on with my life. Guess I'm just floundering.

Thanks again for your response Orchid. Any others would still be appreciated.

Trying

trying32,

May I ask what was the outcome of your earlier Plan B? Did the NC letter get sent. If so , how long after the NC letter did you get back together with him? Do you feel you got back together too soon and he didn't have to work at enough? The reason I am asking is not to be cruel but to pick up some important info if I ever get faced with a true reconciliation with a NC letter

Hi Cymanca. No, a NC letter did not get sent. From 6/03 to 8/03 WH and OW tried NC countless times. It was a joke. In fact, WH would tell me when one of them would suggest it again, the other would laugh. I told him I would come back if there was NC, not just trying NC, but NC. I'm not sure at this point that it ever even happened. In fact, I highly doubt it.

I never got access to WH's email accounts (their primary means of communication). WH refused and I asked how I was supposed to trust again if I felt tlike he was hiding stuff. But supposedly one of his big issues with our M was that he didn't have enough privacy. My view is that you bacsically give up your privacy when you get married (in the 6 yrs prior to A he never complained about it). I also pointed out to him he apparently had enough privacy to carry on an A.

We went back and forth over this issue and the C basically told me the same thing he did for the NC issue. If I pushed too hard on these two things, WH would just ask for D. I think this has caused a lot of resentment in me over the past 10 months because I had stressed at the beginning my two biggest issues were NC and rebuilding trust. I guess his inability to compromise on either of these two issues should have been a big clue.

Thanks for asking Cymanca, hope I answered your questions.

Hi Trying,

Personally, I'd have his bags on the porch with a Plan B letter tonight (and I'd NOT be home when he arrived). This isnt Burger King, this all doesnt have to go His Way. I wouldnt be able to sit around and wait for the blow. You KNOW he's in contact with her; bags on the porch is a perfectly acceptable response.

If D is inevitable, the Plan B letter cant hurt. Just my $0.02. Please take care of yourself!! - Dru

<small>[ October 07, 2004, 05:43 PM: Message edited by: Drucilla ]</small>

Thanks for your response Dru. There's one main reason I haven't done what you suggested. Our living situation is a little unusual. Our apt is subsidized through WH's employer - this means he's the only one allowed to be on the lease. So if anyone goes, it has to be me. I just so happen to have a friend who's moving out of state and I'll be taking over her lease, but not until the end of the month. Sometimes I don't think I'll be able to make it through the next 3 weeks, but I'm spending that time getting ready to be on my own (setting up bank acct, getting my health insurance thru my employer, etc).

What I can't understand is how WH continues to act towards me like everything's fine when, at the same time, he's writing those emails to OW. Just last night at dinner, he said we'd have to come back to the restaurant (a favorite, but expensive so we only go there occasionally) when they had soft shell crab, then he said I think the crab are in season in Spring. And I sat there thinking to myself - why are you saying that when you know you're planning on asking me for a D in the next week or so. I just don't get it.

Anyway, I'm planning on moving out the end of Oct. I think after that I may just call it quits. I'm tired, and I'm beginning to think I'd be stupid to ever trust him again. I just don't think he'll ever come out of the fog, and why should he, he apparently enjoys being there.