My wife and I are 2 weeks away fm final divorce after a separation of almost 2yrs. After the recent death of my mother and a confrontation with our son; my wife now wants to "spend time together" without any committment. This will surely destroy my relationship that I have begun with a new girlfriend.

My wife and I separated after I discovered that she was involved in an affair with an old high school sweetheart from 30+ years ago who is now a drug addict and is completely without resources including a car, home or steady job. We went through counseling and my wife lied about ending the affair as did her boyfriend; as a result we separated after 28 years of marriage because of her continued relationship with this man.

When she left she told friends and family that the relationship with this man was not the reason for separating. It seems to me that it is quite evident that continuing an affair after discovery is asking for trouble.

My wife insisted on divorce while she was actively seeing this man; so I filed for it. Now that evidently her relationship has gone sour she wants to come home. I guess that is human nature; but I am puzzeled as to why my wife still maintains that her relationship with this man had NOTHING to do with our separation. Her family, my family, our friends, pastor, and most importantly our son does see that while this man may not have been the sole cause; he had a major role in the demise of our marriage.

I have told her that as long as she cannot see or at least acknowledge the critical role this individual had in this separation there is no need to spend time together and jeopardize a potential relationship for me. Am I being selfish, missing something or what....please help.

sounds to me like you made up your mind about divorcing...

"spend time together without committment" sounds to me like your W wants to date you....

WHY are you already involved with another woman before your divorce is final? One reason NOT to do this ---> many marriages do recover on the brink of divorce, but now another heart has been drawn into the mix.

you say "please help" ... not sure what you need exactly?

Pep

ecxpa:

First, welcome 2 Marriage Builders!

It seems like you've got all your waterfoul coaxial. The separation and her desire 2 DV (divorce) you obviously is a direct result of the A (affair).

What you do now really is entirely up 2 you. 2 years separated is a very long time. Did you interact at all during that time? If so, was it as "friends" or parents (if you have kids), or were you romantic?

And what you do now depends on how committed you are 2 this new GF (girlfriend) or whether you think there's a chance for reconciliation with your WW (wayward wife) or not. If you think there's a chance, I think you're also right that she needs 2 realize that her A needs 2 be dealt with "properly" before you can get back 2gether. Is she in counseling? Are you? either IC (individual counselling) or MC (joint marriage counseling).

Some people never wake up and learn from their mistakes. Others do, but maybe not until it's 2 late for their spouse 2 be interested.

best,
-ol' 2long

ecxpa - Oh man, I have to repond to you! Has
she done anything to back up what she is saying?
Is she calling you asking to do things etc? My
XW said the same thing to me 2 weeks ago and has done nothing to back it up. She said she wants to start over from scratch etc. We are divorced recently. She told me this right after D was final. Her OP is a loser now too. He lost his house, car, and is now living with his mom LOL. "When she left she told friends and family that the relationship with this man was not the reason for separating. It seems to me that it is quite evident that continuing an affair after discovery is asking for trouble." Same deal here. It is total BS. My XW's supposed deep unhappiness started exactly when she met the a-hole. Coincidence? I don't think so.

The girlfriend thing is tough. Do you see a future with her? Do you love her? Will she treat u as u deserve? How long with her? This is just another damaging effect of what our spouses have done. We start moving on then they want back and cause even more pain for yet another person ei. your new girlfriend. man, that is tough. Does your girl know your situation? It's hard to give advice, but I wouldn't take your ex seriously until she proves herself. She may be full of it and just keeping you on the line. A control thing. That way when her Selfish self is ready you are there and waiting. This stuff makes me so mad.

<small>[ October 06, 2004, 12:51 PM: Message edited by: juke1225 ]</small>

Bump

hey pep get real!!!!!2 yrs is a long time to be alone...that's why I'm involved with another woman. Divorce is a legal matter with pblms of its own even when it is amicable. A disgruntled spouse can drag it out for years! I waited for a year before I got involved and I believe it was a rational decision. Have you ever been thru a divorce or are you one of those people with all the answers. Life goes on whether we stand by and watch or move with the flow.

If you are so thin skinned to accept another person's different opinion of your situation, why are you here?

ecxpa,
You've come to a great place for help but you might as well get ready to catch some grief over having a girlfriend before the Dv is final. That does not go over well here. But even some of those that have ranting raving fits will give you good advice and try to help you.
Maintaining that the OP had nothing to do with seperation or Dv is a pretty common theme, many of the WSs say that. My WxW still does along with him being a gift from God.

I think what your wife really wants is for you to recognise your part in the breakdown of your marriage. The fact is that she had an affair BUT she had an affair because you were not meeting some of her emotional needs.

Have you acknowledged your part in the breakdown of the marriage? the fact is that she was wrong to have an affair but affairs are often a symptom of unmet needs within the marriage itself. That does not make them right but it does make it necessary for BOTH partners to aknowledge their part in the marriage breakdown. it seems to me taht you both want to blame each other. Is there any chance of your both reading "His needs, her needs" and talking about what really was going wrong before the affair began?

In then end it is up to you if you want to attempt to save the marriage (partially by being willing to recognise that it wasnt all her fault) or end it and persue your new relationship....

Exc-
I think you should work on your marriage. It sounds much like our situation.

My husband and I did divorce, but we've now been remarried for 9 months. We lived apart for 3 1/2 years, were legally divorced for almost 1 1/2 of those years.

The marriage broke up due to my A. I saw the complete mistake I'd made, and hung on for a LONG time until my husband finally loved me again. I ended the A 18 months before we remarried.

Our divorce was final right after I ended it with OM. I knew I didn't want a divorce. The A distorted all my thinking and when I awakened from the fog of it the view of what I'd destroyed hit me like a ton of bricks. Maybe your wife is feeling this too now.

Think hard about your marriage and what you have in it with her. I say you can work it out.

HP

Thankx for your post Debbra....the truth is I have seen,... acknowledged,...and tried/offered to mend the things that led to the A. I am the first to admit in retrospect I CAN understand why my WW would seek fulfillment elsewhere. She has said that she was sorry for her mistakes but continued the A until there is little to salvage in the marriage. So much has been destroyed but the most devastating has been the dignity of both of us. The financial strains are a mere portion of the destruction but an important part also. What more can I do than to offer to correct those things and flaws in me that prompted her decisions. I have a need for her to acknowledge the OM's role in the destruction of our marriage. Thankx again

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Pepperband:
<strong>

WHY are you already involved with another woman before your divorce is final? One reason NOT to do this ---> many marriages do recover on the brink of divorce, but now another heart has been drawn into the mix.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Pepper can you please smack this into my stupid WH head....the man thinks his new "relationship" will be the best thing in his life...even better than the wife and son he is leaving behind....so much better that he spends no time with us and more time with his OW....I dunno I just wish he would try....I made my mistake and i am paying for it....he is making mistakes...especially with his son and will pay for it in the future...but he doesn't seem to care...

hey hope....I think u r right; I think my WW is coming out of a fog. She may very well know that the OP's influence has had a negative impact on the lives of our family but......she remains adamant that the OM had nothing to do with the separation and is even defensive of him....this position has caused a stalmate in any resolution of our conflicts. Time and events continue to unfold and DV seems to be peeping over the horizon. Am I unreasonable in my expectations for her to see the role of the OM.

I feel that for a marriage to survive such an assault as an A that causes separation the WS has to develop a certain amount of disdain for the OP.....otherwise the OP will always be a beckoning haven for the WS. What do you think?

Ecxpa....one thing that we learn on marriage builders is that sometimes its more important to work on our marriage than it is to be right.

If you are not prepared to give up being right then it is really not worth working on your marriage. If you read the site you will find out that PlanA is about being the ideal spouse despite the fact that you are the one who has been betrayed. It may sound illogical, it may go against all your instincts, but it DOES work. It takes a great deal of humility to do this. Have you got what it takes?

If u work on your marriage then at some point your wife will see the OM's role. Right now she cant do that. Dont ask her to feel what she does not feel.