Ok - I've Exposed WH A's - yes, he's a serial cheat. Has more than 1 OP at a time. Exposing to family, friends, OPH, hasn't worked, though he was afraid he'd get "his brains blown out" (his words). But, he won't stop..For all I know there may even be a few new ones in his stable.

Plan B - won't work since we own a business together and work full time together. My leaving home but being at work with him will void a true Plan B.

I did go away for a couple of days - I was in heaven - I didn't think about my problems at home, didn't dwell on where he was or who he was with.. I was at peace..does that prove that there is a life without him?? That I can make it alone? (that is one of my fears).

I've tried to 180 - but, yet when I know in my heart he is lying to me about where he was or is going it kills me..I get all worked up again inside. I think the lying to me is worse than knowing he's shacked up somewhere.

How do I turn off my heart/emotions in the 180? How do I shut him out from hurting me? Everyone says just go about your day - but until they have had to do it they don't realize how hard it is..it eats at you what they do comsumes your every minute..Would AD's help me to shut him out?

180 isn't easy when you are typically an open an honest person. I need to not CARE anymore - just like he doesn't care about me..Yet, he won't file for a D or move out. I cannot change this man with either plan - and I don't have the strength to file for a D yet..

Any suggestions???

ASSUME HE WON'T CHANGE AND MAKE DECISIONS BASED ON THAT ASSUMPTION.

The Solo Partner


Chapter 1 The Pain of Change
Put pain to constructive use to resolve your relationship problems.
The only person you can directly change is yourself.
By changing yourself, you can indirectly change your partner.
The key to change is maintaining effort.

Chapter 2 Self-Deception: Our Inner Enemy
Accept responsibility.
We deceive ourselves by overlooking, rationalizing, justifying.
False hope is the belief that the cause of and solution to our predicament rests outside us.
We become open to change after a period of hopelessness.
Emotional reactivity is progressive.

Realization is when we begin to focus not on our partners but on ourselves.
Before realization, we have a complacent, unrealistically hopeful attitude.
With realization, we liberate ourselves from self-deception. This involves grieving, and these are the feelings involved:
1) Denial: this can’t really be happening.
2) Anger: hurt; anger directed at partner; why was I so stupid?
3) Despair: unhappiness as we feel the full weight of the loss of our dream; self-doubt, loneliness, and fatigue.
4) Acceptance: stronger sense of personal responsibility; no longer see ourselves as innocent victims.
The last glimmer of false hope has been extinguished.

By seeing through our own self-deceptions and facing any personal shortcomings, we upset the status quo in our relationship.

Chapter 3 Emotional Reactivity: An Endless Cycle in Troubled Marriages
Act: something we do of our own volition
React: behave in opposition to our natural behavior or in response to pressure from someone else

Pattern for emotional reactivity:
1) Emotional triggers can lead to a reaction based solely on immediate emotional impulses and without thought of future consequences.
2) The partner needs to be drawn in; baiting can then occur and the provoker is satisfied by the response.
3) Escalation occurs when each partner focuses on the other. The goal is not to resolve an issue. It is to hurt, defy, spite, attack, defend, patronize, or provoke.
4) Recovery may not happen.

Nonengagement starves emotional reactivity.
High emotional reactivity will shut down communication and low reactivity will open it up.

Stages in the process of change:
1) What needs changing is identified, and an alternative behavior is planned.
2) When the situation comes up, the behavior is the same.
3) The situation is recognized, but the behavior is the same.
4) The situation is recognized, and the alternative behavior is followed.

Keep your plan and goal to yourself.

When your partner starts a reactive exchange, identify the baiting behavior. People usually have only about 6 – 10 baiting behaviors.

Chapter 4 Being Defensive: The Illusion of Self-Protection
Being defensive is one of the ways we cover up certain of our recurrent behaviors rather than trying to change them, and denial is one of our most common mechanisms. Our defensiveness keeps us from seeing ourselves realistically, in spite of he feedback we receive about our need to change. Denial followed by attack moves the focus off ourselves and onto our partners, so that we can see their every shortcoming, and none of our own.

Once we are defensive, we see all information as threatening and attacking. We cannot distinguish between a valid complaint and a hostile retaliation. We do not evaluate the truthfulness of the message but rather dismiss the criticism so that we are protected from immediate emotional discomfort. Interpretations and assumptions are made that support what we want to hear rather than what was actually said. If some information was taken in, it is explained away, simply denied, or the subject is changed. Then we counterattack and escalate.

Your real power for improvement lies in unraveling your own defensive mechanisms. Try to accept that there will be pain when you start coming to terms with the truth of what is being said to you, and remember that you will benefit in the long run. If a criticism was accurate, the fastest way to get over your pain is to start working on changing the criticized behavior. Observe, listen, and reflect, rather than automatically dismissing, blaming, or attacking the messenger.

Chapter 5 Togetherness: Balancing “I” and “We”
The ideal balance is for the partners to develop an ability to act together as well as apart, and to feel part of a “we” without feeling they are giving up their individuality and uniqueness. When agreements are forced, it often means no longer expressing true feelings because doing so would leave the person open to attack or ridicule. This in turn leads to resentment. True “I” statements are made as an action and are open to new information and input from others. Reactive “I” statements are made to defy, hurt, spite, placate, manipulate, or intimidate the other person or to defend oneself.

When people do not respect each other’s opinions, the thing they have the right opinion and try to force that opinion on others. Real communication ends as both attack each other’s opinions and defend their own. The key is to learn to express our opinions while not defending ourselves against attack. By not defending yourself against attack, you alone can create an atmosphere where differences will at least be tolerated and at best will enrich both lives. There is an old saying – “Never answer an angry word with an angry word – it is the second word that makes the quarrel.”

No victory can come from intimidating someone into agreeing with you. No victory comes from keeping silent and giving in to placate your partner. If you lie either to yourself or your partner about who you really are, both you and your relationship will suffer.

The key to success lies in confronting yourself and in not confronting your partner. Long-lasting improvement in any relationship comes more from changing negative behavior than from expressing negative feelings.

You will need to learn how to express you opinion as a subjective view rather than as an absolute truth. When you find yourself under attack, concentrate on not defending your opinion; simply state your view and say nothing more. Do not explain why you feel this way, or answer your partner’s charges, or try to reason with or persuade him. Nothing more needs to be said or done. Your opinion is simply a statement of what you think, feel or believe. Always keep in mind that your goal is to express and respect your mutual differentness. Learn to state your position without being drawn into an argument.

The stages of success are:
1) a mutual cessation of attack or retaliation when differences emerge
2) each of you are more open to the differences between you
3) a mutual respect for your differences will emerge.

Chapter 6 Dealing with “Who is to Blame?”
Blame is most frequently communicated in the form of “you” statements, such as “Why did you” and often implies that the partner had ulterior motives or intentionally did something injurious. Laying blame will always cause a reaction.

Assume that each of us is responsible for our own actions. Trying to force your partner to see his own faults will only worsen the relationship. When we focus on ourselves and work on our own problems, our life with our partner improves. It is counterproductive to vent. Release your feelings on another way. Learn to not react to your partner’s retaliations, no matter how provocative and malicious they seem to be.

Decide ahead of time what point you want to convey. Plan to convey that point in a nonreactive way by making brief “I” statements. Stay away from statements about what your partner is doing to you. Instead, concentrate on what you have allowed to be done to you. Focus on specific behaviors rather than a condemnation of your partner in general. Take responsibility for change where it can have some positive outcome.

Learn to identify the area in which your partner blames you and observe exactly what is said and how it is said. Before you react, try to understand what part is truly your own responsibility. Then try to distinguish between what your partner is blaming you for and what you are responsible for. Never try to convince your partner to accept your view; never ridicule or attack your partner in reaction to a provocation. If your partner reacts, say nothing. Not reacting to blame is what will ultimately reach your partner. It’s OK to say “I don’t want to talk anymore right now. I’m too upset.”

Chapter 7 Using Your Anger Constructively
What to do with anger?
1) Express it, and the result is reactive confrontations or alienation from partner
2) Do not vent it, and you are drained emotionally and physically

What are forms of anger?
1) Shouting or screaming
2) Not saying anything
3) Bodily reactions
4) Delayed behavior
5) Tone of voice

Different stages of anger:
1) Unresolved anger can turn into resentment and then bitterness
2) There is a need for a reactive encounter regardless of future consequences
3) The reactive infection stage
4) Escalation

A common source of anger is our expectations. There are three things you can do:
1) Smolder in your anger
2) Lower your unmet expectations
3) Leave the relationship
If you lower your expectations, you can honestly reevaluate both your relationship and yourself. You need to deal with reality. When you lower your expectations, you also must see your own faults as well and move toward a solution. By focusing on your own shortcomings, you can learn that your partner has a great deal of justification for his complaints. The less we expect of our partners (and the more we expect of ourselves), the more we receive. When an attitude of “expect nothing, get nothing” dominates a relationship, people stop doing something for their partner unless it is angrily demanded.

Nothing constructive comes from out-of-control anger. Start thinking along the lines that your partner may not change. The focus then shifts from your partner to yourself. Then you reach the point of realization where you begin to find solutions to your problems. Your pain is due to the death of your self-deception. Work at getting behind the anger to the hurt, disappointment, and finally the loss you feel. When you accept this loss, you will also eliminate your anger. The bigger the fantasy and the longer it was held, the more time it is likely to take to give it up.

Having accepted that the problem is not going to go away, you must ask yourself what you are going to do about it and whether you are willing to settle for this situation.
It is easier to vent at the partner than to look at your own shortcomings. We may try dealing with reality, but reality will deal with us.

Chapter 8 Pursuit and Distance Between Partners
The pursuer seeks togetherness at the expense of personal autonomy and individuality. She feels emotionally secure only when her life revolves around others. The distancer feels crowded. She emotionally pursues him by wanting to know what he feels, wanting resolution of their problem, and wanting it at once. Concurrently, he distances himself emotionally from her, seeking space to think about it, hoping the problem will go away by itself or that she will wait until he comes up with a solution in his own time and way. For every step she takes toward him, he moves one away from her.

The pursuer gives up and looks for other ways to fill the emptiness. The distancer’s self-centeredness and isolation lead to boredom and emptiness. He also seeks ways to relieve his discomfort. Pursuit and distancer problems often start when a legal or emotional commitment is made to the marriage. The pursuer needs to acknowledge the gap between her expectations and reality.

Both pursuit and distance are reactive behaviors which become progressively worse over time, unless one partner’s efforts succeed in putting a stop to them. Change will be initiated by the person who is most uncomfortable. He will change only when he fears losing the pursuer. Distancers tend to change in direct proportion to how much their pursuers modify their pursuit.

These are the pursuer’s options:
1) continue the pursuit in the hope of emotionally engaging the partner; this is a fantasy which ultimately leads to frustration, exhaustion, and emotional bankruptcy
2) separate
3) stop pursuing

Pursuers are addicted to togetherness and the need to stay in a relationship – even a bad one. They settle for very little and express their disappointment, frustration, and anger in hostile, critical ways. They become responsible for other people’s problems. This caretaking can become manipulative and controlling, and can backfire because people resist efforts to change them. They find it easy to blame others.

Pursuer can only reach the distancer by distancing herself from him – emotionally and physically. The only way to catch a distancer is to be more distance than he is.


Chapter 9 Stopping Pursuit: Guidance for Pursuers

Never pursue a distancer. Do as little as possible for him and with him, with the goal of doing absolutely nothing. Learn how to fill your life in new ways, seeking other people who will meet your emotional needs. You will be forced to develop some emotional autonomy. Change your expectations and give up the pursuit. Your improvement can occur only after your illusion of finding happiness and completeness through someone else collapses. Pursuers tend to follow, but distancers tend to procrastinate, so it is up to the pursuer to make changes.

Hi Cherished,

I know this is not my thread but I am a Pursuer and my husband was a Distancer. You just identified what was wrong with us. I am getting ready to start Plan B.

Ithurts,

I am sorry for your pain. You do have a delemma. Hard to get out and start over. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

If he won't end MULTIPLE affairs and refuses to reinvest in the marriage....why aren't you considering divorce? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> Do you think it's healthy FOR YOU to continue to be treated so badly? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I can PROMISE you that Willard Harley would not tell you to try yet another marriage strategy. My advice is to approach this legally....especially since a business is involved.

Here's a quote from Dr.Harley:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> With multiple affairs and recoveries, resentment is almost impossible to overcome. But then, in those cases I usually feel that the emotional reaction of resentment is not irrational at all. Emotions are telling the person that it's not a good idea to continue the relationship, and I would agree. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

IH:

I don't know much about your sitch, other than what you've said here.

I remember the quotes from Dr. Harley about serial cheaters and recovery. One other person you might want 2 read about is Peggy Vaughn. Her H had something like 15 affairs, and they recovered nevertheless: http://www.dearpeggy.com/com001.html

Whether you can or want 2 is entirely up 2 you. You certainly aren't obligated 2 keep a marriage 2gether under those conditions, when the vows are so blatantly being ignored by your H.

Don't let the business become a trap, though. Consider selling your share of the business 2 your H and starting out on your own, or buy him out. Separate your business from your marital problems. A clean break. Give yourself the room 2 think clearly about what you want 2 do.

Don't expect 2 have any affect on your H's behavior by what you do. You can change yourself for yourself. In the process, you'll learn a lot of good things about yourself that you might not have known.

best,
-ol' 2long

ITHURTS, I don't think you can expect Plan A or Plan B to change your H's personality. Marriage Builders is designed to resolve marital problems, not alter one's personality.

Do you seriously believe that you can change your husband's personality against his will? Isn't that sort of unrealistic?

I would suggest accepting him how he is and making a decision about your life based on that reality. The reality is that you can't possibly change him. Sure, he can change himself, if he really wants to, but you cannot change him.

In the meantime, you are just wasting your time with Plan A and B.

Ithurts,

I know exactly how you feel, minus the working together part. I could no more live with a cheater than I could eat glass, just don't have it in me to Plan A, or Plan B.

The only thing that worked for me was "plan good-bye".

No if's, and's, or maybe's.

Now he is on A/D's, seeing a pastor at my church, working on my rentals, refinishing by bathroom... And I haven't even gone back with him yet <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

It took six weeks of me not taking his calls and proving to him that I was a goner, before he realized that HE needed to take a look at HIMSELF.

If I had left a door open such as in Plan B, he would have spent years trying to keep me on the line while he played around at being human being, and chasing other women.

You may have to leave the business and really move on before he "gets it".

"You always have to look at a relationship and ask yourself, 'What's it costing me to be in this relationship?' If you totally lose yourself in the relationship, then the cost is too high," Dr. Phil explains.

ok, I know this is just a Dr Phil quote - not exactly a bible quote, or a Steve Harley objective, but I think it is appropriate here. this relationship is costing you too much of your time, your dignity, your sense of self worth. You spend every waking moment trying to figure out a new way to change this man. And what does he do in return? He has another A!

Do you have a good support system built up for yourself yet? Besides all of us here? Do you have people close to you, that you can call up and say "I need help"? I think that would help you. You have got to start figuring out a way to extract yourself from the buisness - I know that right now you honestly beleive that you can't. But you may have to. You have got to start thinking about it.
Come on. You can do this.
I love this comment by MelodyLane:
Marriage Builders is designed to resolve marital problems, not alter one's personality.
She is right on with this.

Dear ITHURTS,
What i get from your post is a WH who may see you as weak and one who knows he can walk all over you. You need to prove to him that you're not an inanimate object but a beautiful person with a soul who doesn't need to rely on him to live life. if plan A & B has been truely ineffective, than stand tall and serve him with divorce papers. it may actually wake him up that he could be losing more than just a wife; but his betterhalf

Cherished - What book does this information come from?

I like many others here have gone from trying to be the best spouse possible, to being a weak emotional wreck, to being a defiant B#%$& with a "I don't give a #!NM attitude - do what you want, to showing I am better than ever attitude and you won't walk all over me anymore..I am demanding RESPECT - NOTHING WORKS....

My WH needs help - on rare occasions he has broken down, admitted he needs help, the OP aren't about love, that he doesn't have emotions/feeling like other people do. Yet, he won't go..maybe he just says these things to keep me from leaving him..I don't know what is real and what isn't..We've been M for 10 years and I don't think I will ever truly know this man..Noone really knows him..everyone thinks he's a kind, giving, loving spouse/father - when in fact, he's a selfish, lying, lazy WH. He gives nothing emotionally only $$$$.

Somewhere inside him - I believe he thinks the wife is the "mother" sex with her is not why you married her - the OP are for sex/false emotional fullfilment. I am the doll in the china cabinet. My bringing his A's to the open was a mistake in his eyes. I should have just kept playing the stupid wife part..I should have been happy with the vacations, cars, $$$.

Star - I have been to an attorney - I am considering filing for a D - but, really I'm not strong enough - I still have love in my heart - I miss the times we had before I found out and exposed his A's..I miss what "I thought I had"..I keep praying for him to "wake-up" and seek help. Even though, every day that passes I know he is getting deeper in his A's.

I want him to step up and file - if he's the one cheating - he needs to be a man and leave me.

The only resentment I feel is that he makes poor choices in his partners..That he chooses to have sex with someone else (all have been M women, and 2 were employees)- rather than someone who truly loves him, who has nothing to gain but a real marriage, by being with him. Yet, he cannot choose ME..He chooses to live a life of lies and deception..to all around him.

2long - My attorney did say that the business is maritial property and he would need to buy me out. Maybe I'm using the business as yet another excuse to not leave him. Just like our home - I refuse to leave and so does he. Basically, I'm dragging my feet hoping he'll change - when I know he can't..He's addicted.

MelodyLane - Your right - I can stay and go back to being the doll in the china closet/close my eyes to his A's OR I can leave. I have 2 choices - I would prefer him to be the one to leave - I do not have the strength to go.

WOF - I do have a good support system - my family and friends - though, they are fed up with all of this. The exposure started last year and they all feel I should file for the D and start a new life. That there is nothing left to work on -that he choices to continue his A's and hurt me.

Done - Your probably right, that he knows he can walk all over me - since he's been doing it for a long time..He always found fault in me - yet, recently he told me it was never my fault - he degraded me to make himself feel better. Nothing will wake him up he truly feels invicible. This man always lands on his feet..

I'm the one that needs the 2X4...I need to find strenght to TELL him to Leave..I did ask him to leave a few months ago and he flat out refuses. Says, since I'm the one who is unhappy that I should go...This is torture..Thank God I don't have kids that I need to worry about..

I need to find strength and move on - much of the pain he's put me thru has been my strength to stand up to him - but, it's still not enough -
I am still weak and afraid of the unknown.

When you read other posts you realize that so many of us are in the same boat. Are there really happy M's??? SoulMates? Someone who fulfills our needs that cares about and puts us first?? I'm starting to doubt the whole relationship/M thing..
I don't think it exists for me...

The Solo Partner: Repairing Your Relationship on Your Own by Phil Deluca

It's available on amazon.com.

My IC told me: "You don't want to be in a marriage where your job is to keep your husband from having an affair."

Think about it.

Cherished

<small>[ October 07, 2004, 02:21 PM: Message edited by: ark^^ ]</small>

all right ithurts...I'm gunning for you so shields up and get ready to duck...

But BS to you... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> And I mean that sincerely and with much 'love' to you...

but BS and I do mean Bull S**t that you are more afraid of the unknown than the known...

you are already living the nightmare....out there is only freedom from his chaos...

close your eyes..
imagine waking in the morning...
not worrying who will he contact today...
not worrying how many hours will slip by with him on the computer while life and family pass him by..
not worrying about how many excuses you can come up for his behavior and how many times you have to pretend that you yourself belief...

Imagine wishing the type of person you are married to right now today...being married to someone you loved....child sibling...

would you encourage them to stay???

if he's the one cheating - he needs to be a man and leave me.

this is unrealistic..
he won't file
he doesn't want to file
he is quite happy in the home bring it on perpetual abuse.....and in my opinion that one does reach a point that the continuation of such blatant disrespect is nothing but abuse...

so lets just say he isn't gonna file and he isn't gonna leave...what is YOUR plan....

you choose to have this disrepect in your life each day that you don't choose out and away from it...

he can and will do what he wants...the question is when are you going to do something about it...

when are you going to wake up in the morning at peace???

all this pain is no longer his doing ..but of your choice to stay in the path of his chaos...

I tell you this because it is
TRUE

and the only way to end it is for YOU to end it....

anyone that is strong enough to live in the chaos and hurt you have...is strong enough to live without it as well...and really enjoy life and find joy...

ARK

ark, that was a great post.

there was a thread a while back on saveyourmarriagecentral.com (Penny Tupy's forum) about the fogs that we BSs often get ourselves in. It was a great thread, worth looking up.

I've been in fogs many times over the past 33 months. Got this big old historic home 2 rebuild and don't want 2 leave my family, and my W won't leave (points out that she cares about me and shows it by not leaving). In the end, though, what makes the strongest statement about our intestinal 4ti2de, values, and personal integrity? Even if you're being accused of 'chucking it all' by those 'chucked' ( <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ), if you wind up with some peace of mind and a chance 2 see what you can REALLY do as an individual, so what?

I am not suggesting you DV him, though that might be the thing 2 do. I would suggest you expose 2 the Hs of the OW he's had (has), as a matter of "just telling the truth", and that you learn about plan B and go there as soon as possible.

What about asking him 2 buy you out of the business? Probably, though, he would prefer the status remain quo. Can you sell your share 2 an independent party and get out that way? Then start a new business of your own without a partner.

-ol' 2long

ithurts....

don't misunderstand my post to read..leave the guy...

my advice is to leave the chaos....whatever..and however..

life is way too short...when you have your health and life to be wasted away...

ARK

ARK - Was that to be my 2X4???? Everything you said is absolutely RIGHT...I know in my heart that I need to do something - everything I've done far has made no impact on him. He's inviciable...

As I said when I was away for a few days I really was at peace - I put little thought into our M or his A's..I focused on myself.

Then I'm home 3 days and it all starts again - my snooping, his lying, my knowing he was "with someone" and I'm a wreck again. I know deep within myself - he's not worth this much pain.

But, I believe he is depressed and emotionally empty. These OP's fill him up in a way that a committed R can't. I've come to understand WHY HE DOESN'T WANT ME....I can't give him what THEY can..Each OP fills a different EN/SF need ONE WOMAN can't do this for him...NOT ME - NOT ANYONE..He will do this to whomever he's with. If that wasn't the case - he wouldn't be having MA's...Hell, He's been M 4 times...You would think he'd wake--up by now.

My fears range from being alone (I've never lived alone) though, with how things are I'm alone emotionally and physically anyway, leaving the one man I ever truly/deeply loved, losing "our friends", business assoc., community status, job (since I'll be bought out), home and financial security.
So he knows I have alot to lose and that I do love him, and Yes, I'm afraid of all of these things. I really can't buy him out since he is more involved in the day to day business/employees.

I know I have inner strength - or I would have cracked long ago - and yes, he is abusing me - though he doesn't see it that way. He feels that I've never had it so good - that I have every material object I'll ever want and that should be enough. How's that for being a bit shallow - he's a perfectionist and I've read that everything around them needs to be perfect - becoz their relationships are so shallow.

Your right - He'll probably never leave - I think he enjoys being M - that way he doesn't have to commit to any of the OP's and I'm always available for business/friends functions.

My Plan right now isn't much better - I've decided that since I don't have the strength to file - I will continue to stand up to him and NOT BE THE WIFE..since he is not being a husband..

I WILL NOT: cook dinner, do his laundry, celibrate holidays, ask him anything, basically, do nothing for him, if invited out with friends - I'll take my own car and not participate in the couples end of the outings - which is always dinner and drinks. I will speak only when spoken to.IGNORE THE SOB...

I WILL: Do things that make me feel good, spend quality time with family, friends. I will continue to be the best person/friend to everyone around me. Cook for myself, take care of myself. I will not lower myself to his standards - I will not have an A, sit in bars (like he does) , dwell on his behaviour or tell other what a louse I'm M to.

It will be hard to ignore him and our M - I know that I will still be in pain and your 100% RIGHT it's my choice "to stay in the path of his chaos..but I can't - really I can't go yet...I cry as I type this - because I know you are RIGHT - I'm at the point where I am doing this to myself by allowing myself to stay in this abusive M.

Why do I love someone who continues to disrespect and abuse me??? I've had good relationships in the past I know how it should be. But, I remember when he was nice to me, when he said I love you, when he cared..I just need to realize those days are long gone, they will not return ( I just keep praying they will)..he's in a deep dark hole and for him it's easier to stay than to climb out and be an honest, repectable man.

2Long - I have exposed 2 of his A's and another man was aware of his W's A with my WH. My WH is so good at this game - he has phone cards that he now garbles the access codes too so I can't get the info on who he is calling anymore. I can't keep up with who he's with and when.

I can push him by filing for D to buy me out - but, since he has controlling interest I cannot sell my share to another party. Basically, I'm screwed...and he knows it....that's why he continues to do what he does...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ITHURTS:
<strong>
I can push him by filing for D to buy me out - but, since he has controlling interest I cannot sell my share to another party. Basically, I'm screwed...and he knows it....that's why he continues to do what he does... </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Have you talked to a lawyer?

Ark - Need some help here....

How do I leave the chaos??? Without leaving him/home?????
Are you suggesting that I follow my new plan and just ignore the SOB? As many of us know it is very hard to live with someone and in my case work in the same bldg. yet shut them out...though he doesn't have a problem shutting me out..Show him NO emotions, good,bad or ugly???

Suggestions please...

SadFWW: Yes, I have spoken with an attorney a few times...They feel I should get a sizeable amount though we know they cannot commit to $$$$..An arbitrator would come in to get the actual amount the business is worth..then we would settle/dicker/argue about what is rightfully mine. My state is an equitable distribution state - which could be in my favor..I left my prior job of 19 years to open this business and now becoz of my WH A's I would not be employed - nor is my skill level worth the amount of my current salary..I do have some things in my favor - he will have alot of future income - I won't..House is paid for, cars, etc. no real liabilites and business will be paid off in March..But, it's not money that I want..or I would have been gone LONG ago.....But, it may turn to that..

Ark - Need some help here....

How do I leave the chaos??? Without leaving him/home?????
Are you suggesting that I follow my new plan and just ignore the SOB? As many of us know it is very hard to live with someone and in my case work in the same bldg. yet shut them out...though he doesn't have a problem shutting me out..Show him NO emotions, good,bad or ugly???

Suggestions please...

SadFWW: Yes, I have spoken with an attorney a few times...They feel I should get a sizeable amount though we know they cannot commit to $$$$..An arbitrator would come in to get the actual amount the business is worth..then we would settle/dicker/argue about what is rightfully mine. My state is an equitable distribution state - which could be in my favor..I left my prior job of 19 years to open this business and now becoz of my WH A's I would not be employed - nor is my skill level worth the amount of my current salary..I do have some things in my favor - he will have alot of future income - I won't..House is paid for, cars, etc. no real liabilites and business will be paid off in March..But, it's not money that I want..or I would have been gone LONG ago.....But, it may turn to that..