I should've posted this sooner...

My BS/WW has been seeing an IC for the 1.5 months, this is session #6. Mostly they've been discussing her pain over my A's and what THEY think the root causes and possible outcomes of my behavior may be.

She asked him if I could come along on her next session, which is in a few hours...it was all her idea, she says "so you can meet him because all he hears about you he hears from me, and I say some nasty things."

They're going down this "histrionic personality disorder" path to explain why I had multiple A's/ONS's, and of course, that's a disorder that is supposedly VERY hard to treat and cure, thereby giving my BS/WW more justification to leave me for good (I think in some ways she's looking for any hard & fast answer that makes me out to be doomed forever and incapable of change).

I'm inclined to think it's not really THAT clinical or medical, that it was more me just letting my male privelege and ego get out of control in the environment I was in (musician in very popular and attractive band). A stupid, testosterone- and self-esteem-driven series of mistakes. That's not an excuse of course, just a possible reason. I'm fully capable of how ridiculous I was, and in full ownership of my errors.

So...any ideas on how I can stick to Plan A in this environment? I have no idea what to expect.

HELP! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

<small>[ October 06, 2004, 03:01 PM: Message edited by: VnusMars ]</small>

Just like you do in "real life". Speak only for you and your feelings. Speak without any attitude or condescending behaviour, certainly no LB's. Don't disrespect your WW or the OM. Speak honestly about those things you've realized you brought to the marriage that were unhealthy, and what changes you've made. State that your love for your WW is sincere, and you are willing to do your part in whatever is necessary to end the A, and get on with rebuilding a better marriage.

SD

Thanks SD...

I guess I'm on a bit of a mission to try and show this guy that the textbook examples he learned in school aren't necessarily applicable in all situations, and this particular "histrionic personality disorder," as serious and incurable as it is, doesn't seem to fit me, even if certain elements of it are similar.

I'm just a stupid male who let the "worship" he got from groupies and the challenge of "hooking" multiple women go to his head and turn him into an egomaniac who had to have his demon fed with attention.

The game I used to play?

I'd find a girl at a show who was interested in me - either she expressed desire or flirted - or who was open to my "charm" and "wit" (and boy do I use those loosely now)...
I'd tell her at the appropriate moment that I was married, happily, and would never leave my wife. Almost all of them backed up and said "well that's a bummer but at least we can be friends." We would exchange emails/phone numbers, and I'd contact them after the weekend.

Then...I would subconsciously try to charm these women into professing attraction for or even sleeping with me DESPITE their initial reservations over my being married! It was a much bigger challenge to turn consecutive "no's" into a final "yes," even if it was only said once or twice and then their guilt set in.
Looks, sexiness, brains...none of it mattered much to me. It was all about charming them into going crazy for me.

I did have a long-term A with an OW who started under those same pretenses, but it only went on as long as it did because she was EXTREMELY attentive and worshipful towards me and tha was hard to say 'no' to even though my W was highly attentive and loving at home...
But pretty soon, OW started going psycho and pulling the "one minute I'm going to tell your wife because you're a jerk, the next I think I'm falling in love with you and want you with me" game, keeping me on a leash for longer than I wanted to be.

Yep...it's all pretty sick. But it was all designed to feed my ego and make me feel like a big man. Oh yeah, it really worked, can't you tell? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

So...hopefully the Doc will see that I just got carried away, made really horrible mistakes without thinking about their effects on my wife, and that I can be cured and am now sincerely on the path to rebuilding and being a faithful H.

I hung out around a band or two, and know people just like you. Hell, I hung around hoping to have a chance at "cast-offs", but never went through with anything........until.......a gal joined the band as a singer, and I had a ONS with her.

Carrying baggage was not good for my psyche, so I confessed about 6 months later, and I'm sure that's one of the (several) factors that led my FWW to believe she had "permission" to have her own fling, even 25 years after the fact.

I'd spill what you said here in the IC meeting, and just open the doors to your soul, spilling out your (messed up, observation, not judgement) mentality in those years, and apologize profusely for those actions.

Honesty and Openness has made a huge difference in my FWW and me's recovery. No secrets, no more.

Good luck in counceling. Maybe the truth coming from you will inspire WW to open up her soul, as well. We can only hope!

SD

VM:

I'm a llittle dis2rbed that your W and her IC may be speculating about your "condition" without the IC ever having talked 2 you himself. Doesn't sound very professional.

However, I think that it's great that you have a chance 2 speak 2 him and give him some insight in2 YOU so that he can better help your W with HER problems.

-ol' 2long

There is a phrase used in counseling, something about how the counselor is not to become "triangulated." Either the IC is there for your wife and all her views, never meeting you, helping her deal with her realities, or the IC is there for the both of you, in which case the IC is not to here anything from either of you which you would not say in front of the other. The IC is not to "take sides" or learn secrets, which it clearly sounds like he may be doing, to the delight of your spouse. If she is truly interested in counseling, healing, and moving on in a better vein, then she would be interested in your being comfortable with the IC. You sound like you'll be going in with the big defense.

Good luck, let us know how it goes.

UPDATE:

Well, the session went OK. He asked me a lot of questions about what I wanted to do, what I think were the root causes of my infidelity, and whether or not my BS and I wanted more "couples" counseling or not.

The session was good, he got deeper than my own IC has been able to thusfar. I'm thinking of switching, because her IC said "I can be one spouse's IC + the other spouse's IC but not the MC, or I can be one spouse's IC and not the other but also be the MC"...he did such a good job of getting into some of my issues that I think I may switch to him, and that would help keep me in the loop with my W.

However.....he asked me "how do you feel about her OM?" And I responded that it bothered me and that he will have to disappear before we begin to reconcile, if we're going to reconcile, and that losing him would be hard for her to do even if she decided to do so.
And it got me thinking about her OM, and I think I took a few steps back in Plan A.......

On another thread....

VenusMrs.

Im wondering why if you want to reconcile you didn't jump at the chance to have more "couples counseling"....????

Seems to me the smart move to make being as you like this counselor....

Just because your doing couples c doesn't mean he can not give you both seperate exercises to do!! To work of "self"..

I'de give him a call and say "heck yeah we want more of this" if you did in fact feel he got even further with you in one session that your own C has in weeks!

Blessings,
Atruheart

ATruHeart...

It wasn't up to me.
He asked if we wanted it, and I said "it's up to her," and she didn't answer, so he said "I'll work backwards and we'll see if that's where we end up."
And then at the end he confirmed that we didn't really do COUPLES counseling.

She's not ready yet for that, because she's not ready to reconcile yet. And my little LB'ing episode tonight (see other thread) didn't help matters any <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />