Title is why I'm posting here. No words seem to help but what the hey.

My wife just told me she doesn't love me any more and it was a shot through the heart. Although she has made clear she has no desire on working on our marriage, we are both seeing the same counsellor seperately.

She is a wreck and has felt that she has been controlled her whole life and unable to be herself.

I have been a self abosrbed fool, neglecting her needs for way too long, to the point that she stopped sharing her feelings until they expolded.

Despite my taking responsibility for the current crisis, it makes no difference to her. All she wants is to be alone. Our counsellor (trusted qualified friend to both) has also told me to give her the space which means... no talking about the problem and no talking about how she feels or my love for her.

This event, ripped my heart out but at the same time, awakened my love for her and now I can't express it, I can't comfort her, and it is seeming that I may not get her back.

She hasn't left the house but this is the hardest thing either of us has faced.

I'm not sure what to even ask but any advice would be humbly received as I want my wife back and for a chance to love her correctly.

Hopefully not too Late

Late,

I'm going to shoot as straight with you as I can. I help lots of folks with marital problems. The situation I dread the most....is exactly the one you describe. Wife feels she's been controlled, neglected....finally breaks free. It's easier to get a wife to forgive abuse and even affairs....than it is to turn her around after years of neglect. It is like trying to turn around a runaway train....and the saddest part is that as she leaves you...she feels freer and freer.

So....the question....is WHAT if ANYTHING you can do? Some of that depends on what you've done....in what ways she felt "controlled". Did you spy? Did you mistrust her? Intimidate her? Verbally abuse her? Give he no autonomy...financially, privacy, etc.?

To make any difference at all....you have to back up so far that it's going to scare you deeply. You will lose control. And your ability to allow her this space must be complete and consistent OVER time. Don't make it about you....or the second you push, plead, apologize etc. she will retreat even further.

If you EVER yelled, pushed, intimidated or exhibited lots of jealousy....please enroll in an anger management class. Use ACTION to address YOUR issues to reach your wife. If you controlled money....change this dramatically.

Make no mistake....these actions may help her see that you are capable of change...or just help her leave....and you will have no control over that.

Sounds like you have a great MC...that's a blessing...listen to him.

Good Luck....and hugs!

No, I have never been abusive to my wife. In fact, I can't even identify why she has felt she couldn't express herself. She handles our finances, and I've never had a reason to feel jealous.

Our MC says it is a deeper problem than our relationship, that she has felt that way a lot of her life.

However, through much prayer and soul searching, I was awakened to my neglect... just plain being to busy and making her 2nd.

It really seems to be about attention and meeting her needs coupled with her lack of assertiveness in expressing how she feels.

I love her dearly and am broken over her lack of feeling loved and understood. Giving space is the hardest thing I have done as my greatest desire is to comfort her and make up for lost time.

Make sense?
Late

<small>[ October 06, 2004, 09:10 PM: Message edited by: Late ]</small>

Yes Late...it does make sense....and *whew* is far more encouraging than it sounded at first. If many of issues are FOO (Family of Origin) and you have just gotten caught up with work and could have done more to meet her needs....that's a much more hopeful scenario. Perhaps through therapy she will discover what's holding her back....but at least it's not the kind of "control" issues that most women complain of. Has she shared with you at all "how" she feels "controlled"....or can you sense any of her reasons?

I know that this must be scary for you....but sometimes you have to let this process work....over time. We'll do our best to support you. You feel certain that she isn't involved with anyone else, right? Sorry to ask that question but the need for "space" is often something that sends up red flags around here.

(((((((((((((((((late)))))))))))))))))

Thanks for talking with me. Seems like that is the only relief at this point.

I forgot to mention that she also is facing mid life crisis issues with job, life and or course, marriage.

She says and our MC confirms that she has no idea how she got to where she is, not loving me and so angry. She isn't even sure of all of her feelings.

Her confusion is the only hope I see right now.

I now know that at the end of a fight 6 months ago, she did not find resolution and didn't speak anymore about but made an inner vow not be hurt again and from there grew increasingly distant internally until 2 weekends ago when she expressed a depression on Saturday and then Sunday dropped the bomb on me.

So, that is all I know, there is no explanation of why she is where she is from her or our MC except the above.

In term of an affair, that was my first conclusion but even though many signs of that exist, there is no evidence and I believe her answer when asked. I am still suspicious but atribute that to my own insecurities.


Thanks again for any insight or advice.
Late

<small>[ October 07, 2004, 07:37 AM: Message edited by: Late ]</small>

Do you have access to phone bills to be sure that she is not having an affair? Also is all of her time accounted for? No late nights at work?

...forgot to mention, today's my 15th anniversary. However, I don't think I can even remind her in light of the commitment to give her space. This is rough

Happy frickin anniversary....


I looked at ohone records a second time and foound it, confronted her and him. She is having at least an emotional affair meting him at the coffee shop in the mornings and talking on the phone with him at all hours.

Oh my god... this is not my wife, she is a different person.

We are seperating today, on our anniversary and now my son will begin to taste what I went through 3 times as a kid.

We will be apart for 4 weeks under structured seperation. All I can do is wait and see if God moves her heart to even want to try to fix things or if she will continue and end our marriage after 15 years.

Where did reality go?

So sorry you had to find out on that once regarded special day. It must feel like a knife twisting and turning in you heart. I feel your pain and you are not alone.

I know when my WW told me "I've had a sh*tty marriage for ten years!" I thought I was going to die. I had no clue. Her comments to OM about me and the one above acutally put me into a post traumatic state according to my multiple psych. evaluations. The multiple evals. were to prove that nothing else is wrong with me. Just acting like a BS.

About the controlling thing. I too am guilty. But I just found out I was clinically depressed for over a year. I was having a rough time with my career and I would sometimes act like a jerk at home.

In thinking back, my WW has also verbally abused me and has been extremely critical towards me. (Yes, this can happen to men too.) She has used the line, "I wouldn't get so angry and mad if you would just talk to me." multiple times. This caused me to not want talk to her anymore. Sometimes I would not want to come home from work, because I didn't know how I was going to be greeted. She is also extremely critical towards her mom and older brothers. To the point where she has made her mom cry.

Please do a web search for "emotional abuse". Look at some of the symptoms. I have some of the tendencies.

Good luck, stay calm, and take care of yourself and kids. Watch your sleep habits and keep your weight up (I lost over 30lbs. in a couple weeks, but it's back).

Post often too.

Just_Friends_NOT

Hi Late,

Yeah, after you explained the situation to me further....I was afraid of this. I'm so sorry....but "space" is just one of the many phrases of fogbabble you'll hear from a WS.

This may feel like the worst news you've ever gotten....but the chance of saving your marriage now that the thuth is out, is far better than if she'd been actually telling the truth before. That may sound weird...but I promise you it's true. Now you know what you're up against.

You'll be so hurt right now, that you won't be able to make good decisions about whether this is forgiveable right now. Please don't do drastic things. Give this a few days to calm and find out if your wife is willing or able to end the affair. We can give you some good advice about how to productively fight for your marriage and encourage her to end the affair and reconsider the marriage.

Good Luck. ((((((((((((((late)))))))))))

Well,
she ended the friendship/emotional affair, is committing to this last step under accountability to our pastorate and her own family. I feel much better and believe god is doing something in us both.

I am still crazy about her and believe that she is coming around due to her owning her mistakes now(wouldn't before).

We still have a month apart but I am standing in faith and believing god to faithful again to us.
Late